WHOOP WHOOP

i'm just hanging otu at home about to go over to my friends seths house for espetti and meatballs before a party. good times good times.
so i was reading some of my older entries and decided that i get wayyyy too emo on this thing. it's just that i write at the peaks of my moods so everything just seems so much worse. everything is fine, i'm fine, life is fine.....bacon is fine.... and so is your mom.

so i decided tonight that the thing i hate most about being a girl...is how i tend to over analyze EVERYTHING. i can deal with the blood and the birth...but the mental pain i put myself through EVERY flippin day sucks big whale penis.
for example....one little thing will happen and about a thousand things will run through my mind in about a split second. tonights is how my phone is sitting on my computer desk and NOT RINGING<>. by him not calling, it gets me to thinking about why he's not calling. then it gets me to thinking why do i dare that hes not calling. then i start thinking about how i shouldn't care and try to think up of ways not to care anymore.
i really am wondering why i do.... it seems crazy to me. what's so special about him? i'm just not USED to caring. usually i am the one not giving a fuck and letting THEM bugg over me.BINGO....maybe that's it. it was cute at first. but my mind is sore from all the guessing.

oo yeah..i have a new addition to my life. he's cute and fits in the palm of my hand. and his name is bacon. <>

the world is a vampire sent to drain... wow, what a good lyric.

blahhh
i don't know how i feel anymore. like everything i think just contradicts myself. i like him, but i don't. i care, but i don't. what the hell, i can't even clear my own head out anymore. i think what it is- is that i do like him and care but i am trying so hard not to that i am like brainwashing myself because i know that the second that i admit to myself that i do like him...then it puts me in the position where he can hurt me...and of course he will, b/c he has a penis. .

chicago comes in town soon. i mean it was nice of matt to be honest and tell me up front about her. he didn't have to- and i guess most guys wouldn't have. i mean, i'm not all that worried about it. if something happens, it happens. she's only down for a week, and he's a guy- i can't expect him not to take advantage of that chance. and we're not going out, so i guess it's okay. i mean with some people, it's just common curitsy not to be with anyone else when you're talking to someone- but i don't know how he feels about that. . i mean it's not really that big of a deal. but to be honest, it would be nice if he didn't want to. it would be nice if he thinks about me this next week. but i guess i can't really think that will happen. it's hard to think about some other chick when you've got your arm around another one.

this might be wierd but i am more worried about the cuddling then making out... i mean, i can kiss someone that i am not all that into- you know, just fun. but i can't hold someone's hand unless i care. guys that i hook up with...i can't hold their hand- i will even pull away (i know i'm a bitch). i mean, even with matt sometimes i feel wierd about holding his hand. like i am just picturing them cuddling at the warehouse and then as soon as shes gone i am back and all his friends are gonna be like...wow stephanie must be a dumb chick. it's all an ego thing.

i am just reading way to into this. i don't even know if i have a right to care. i don't know where i stand at all. for all i know, she is JUST a friend. then again he did tell me that he likes her, so i would be a moron if i really thought that. i really don't care. i guess i'll just have to wait and see. but i have to admit it will suck to be ignored for a week. and what about on friday at the show when we'll both be there...will he still be cute towards me or just be like..heyy....

fuck it...i really don't care. he's just a stupid boy.
and i'm just a stupid girl

my fists are balled
my feet are sore
and so are my torn walls
i am doing to them
what you did to mine
tearing through
only the emotional pain hurts far worse
than the physical
dry wall is much easier to patch up
then the holes in my stone heart
you made me crumble
you broke through my hard exterior
and now that you're gone
all that's left is a few pebbles
i have nothing to guard my heart
i am vulnerable
and angry
i wasted my shield on you
and got nothing in return

so far today i one of my good friends has come out of the closet for being a lesbian and another friend told me she was raped two days ago. wow....

i don't care that niki is a lesbian...it's only a little weird because of how many times this chick has seen me naked over the years...lol like a lot.

and about my other friend. that really sucks. guys are such assholes. i feel really bad for her, she balmes herself. how can girls be so weak minded? i'd chop off his wang.

things aren't looking so great for joey in the hospital. he's not even responded with hand shakes or blinking eyes anymore. i can't wait until i can visit him.

all this and it's not even noon yet.

burnnnnnn

today was pretty cool. it POURED, but i didn't mind- i love the rain. still havn't made out in the rain? i want one of those hardcore movie scenes (any takers?) haha, anyways. i went over to my friend jakes house after school and we made hot dogs and hung out. then we went over to my friend amity's... it wasn't what i expected it to be. nothing life altering...don't know why i waited so long to do it. it really isn't that big of a deal.
it's funny..i honestly think my friends were more excited about it than i. i've always been the one turning it down and just sitting there. i have about ten guys that want to hook it up. haha at least i know i won't go broke over this......

i love my new job. it kicks ass. i wear what i want, i pop into the cd player whatever i want, and i can say anything i want. i actually look forward to going into work...it's been a while since i felt that. and the pay kicks ass. hahaha don't eb jealous

i'm hanging out with Jake A.K.A. Idaho..... i like hanging out with him because he's just as retarded as me. we're making hot dogs right now. i'm so hungry. and i think i might do something fun today.