upchuck
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2004 20 October :: 1.46pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "I Need You"- Jars of Clay
Whatever
This weekend was great. This week has been gong pretty good so far.
Saturday, we both worked and then I came home and slept. Kim came and picked me up and we went over to her firend Christine's house for her b-day party. We followed that up by going bowling. The six of us had a pretty good night. I was the last one to bowl first and I told everyone that I probably wasn't going to be very good, but I got a strike in the first frame. Then in the third game I laid down on the floor and rolled the ball down the alley very slowly before Kim's pins were even out of the way. The machine reset mine and got out of the way just before the ball hit them and I got another strike. It really is absolutely hilarious what entertains me right now. Or rather what I think would be entertaining to you.
I'm in a rambling mood. I took two midterms yesterday so my mind is going faster right now than I can actually write. I wrote, actually hand wrote 8.5 pages yesterday for the two exams combined. I hope I do okay. What am I talking about? Of course I will.
Promise cannot go unfulfilled. I am ready for life. I am ready for whatever is out there. I believe that I am a dynamic individual equipped with the tools to be successful in a dynamic world. But successful at what is the question. I may still go into the ED program, but it doesn't offer much promise.
____________________________________
Sidebar- I think the establishment as education as a profession is the wrong way to go. I think schools should hire actual professionals in the field to teach subjects. This would give the students connections, improve schools, and alliviate the job market.
____________________________________
The route through graduate school does not quite seem to be what I want to do. I don't want to write a disertation. I don't want to jump through hoops for stodgy old people who were made to jump through the same hoops. Academia is not sexy enough for me. I don't know if there is a job out there for me in politics. I think that is where I would like my future to be. Maybe get a position in state government, or in a Reps office. Case work would be like what I most want to do. I'm just not sure what direction my life is going in. Everytime I ask for direction from someone they push me in a certian way that kind of sounds like what I want, but not completely. One day divine inspiriation will come to me and it will all be clear, unfortunately that day will be the day I die.
We talked for quite a bit Sunday night. For the first time I actually felt sorry for what I had done in the past. If you are out there, this is the first time I have ever been sorry for what we had. I may have regreted it and been extremely bitter about it, but I was never sorry. Now I am because I gave away something that was so precious, something that I wish I could give to her. And that is exactly why I don't want it from her, because I don't want to take what could belong to someone else.
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spud
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2004 18 October :: 7.05pm
:: Mood: sedate
Free Cell
still wanna buy that car.
still know i'm not going to.
still have to do all those college applications waiting for me upstairs.
still numb from this afternoon.
it's a good numb.
like phil said, "mellow."
5 comments |
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spud
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2004 10 October :: 9.49pm
hey.
the rabbit that's in my picture is up for sale.
anyone wanna loan me $4500?
4 comments |
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spud
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2004 10 October :: 9.34pm
yep
tuwang128@hotmail.com says:
yo yo
tuwang128@hotmail.com says:
my name is K-dogg Kev Love
Mrs. Commanderson, she's some kind of bird-reptile ... and she teaches pre-K! EERRAAAK!! says:
yeah, whatever bitch
tuwang128@hotmail.com says:
my full name is K-dogg Kev Love Showanama Jodaddy
Mrs. Commanderson, she's some kind of bird-reptile ... and she teaches pre-K! EERRAAAK!! says:
i'll show you JoDaddy!
Mrs. Commanderson, she's some kind of bird-reptile ... and she teaches pre-K! EERRAAAK!! says:
it's my body, and i'll do what i want!
tuwang128@hotmail.com says:
hahaha
tuwang128@hotmail.com says:
oh that was good
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spud
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2004 7 October :: 5.10pm
hey.
i'm not going to argue.
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m&ms487
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2004 4 October :: 4.42pm
I'm leaving for band in about an hour. Eating first, then going. My section doesn't know what they're in for, especially a certain one of them. They are getting bitched at, and not from me, either, which is a change.
I'll be back on after band, for all those adoring fans who wanted to know ;)
michelle
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upchuck
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2004 4 October :: 12.36pm
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: "Thunderstruck"- AC/DC
Classes Stress and stressors gone
So stress point #1: 3rd shift job- Gone as of last Friday morning.
Stress point #2: Spanish 101- Gone as of this morning. I dropped the class.
Stress points #3,4,5,6,7 ..... 1,000,000,000,000: Do not come close to equalling the stress caused by #1 and #2.
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m&ms487
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2004 30 September :: 6.03pm
:: Mood: curious
I so badly want to know what I'm doing. I don't understand any of this. Lost. Lost in the crowd. Searching for something, searching for nothing perhaps.
Only one true escape, but I don't necessarily want that to become habit. There is no security, but I don't feel that. I feel like things are how they have always been, and I guess I'm scared that when the reality does hit, I won't be ready for it. So many big decisions are being made right now, and there is nothing I can do about them. The future is unclear, and there are so many things that I want to do that I know I won't have time to accomplish. For some reason, when I was little, I never thought about what I would be when I grew up. I mean, there were always the "I want to be a princess" but I could never see myself being twenty or thirty. Perhaps I knew something that I don't want to know. I keep on thinking, for some reason, that I don't have enough time, that I don't have enough time to say what I want to say or do what I want to do. Could I be percieving that I don't? That I'll die young, and I'm okay with it? I don't mean that I'm purposly going to do anything, but the thought just occurred to me that perhaps my mind and body know something so unconscious that I hadn't realized it until now. Of course, I'll probably end up living until i'm 100, but there is still that feeling of not enough time for anything, and I'm not talking about today or next week, I'm talking about in a lifetime.
That's some fucked up shit right there.
In other news, I totally belittled Mr. Carr today. We had a test and I wrote a three page essay (normally one half page) about how white males caused the Civil War and they are stupid egotistical jerks. I wonder if he'll get it. Probably not. The man teaches History and Federal Government and he spelled "Censorship" with and "S" instead of a "C". Smart, huh?
Tried out for the play yesterday, I'll know tomorrow the part that I got. Hopefully it'll be a good one. No jinxing myself here.
I guess everything will be okay, in time.
Michelle
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m&ms487
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2004 30 September :: 5.57pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Irving Berlin/ Nat King Cole - What'll I Do?
Why is everyone falling apart? I don't know what to do to help them all. I don't know what to do. I just don't. I know I can take care of myself, but I'm scared for you, all of you.
You make me hurt for you and I want to be happy, and I want you to be happy.
But maybe sometimes we can't get what we want, now can we?
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spud
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2004 30 September :: 2.44pm
yeah. i feel pretty good right now.
mainly because for the first time since june, there isn't something that i have to be doing at the moment.
and if there's anything coming up, it's not a big enough deal for me to not ignore it.
i helped out with the 8th grade band today.
it was not as gratifying as i'd hoped, but like i said, i'm still feeling awesome anyway.
and i did as much as i could.
it just made me so glad that i'll be gone next year.
well, not glad that i'll be gone, so much as glad that i won't feel obligated to help next year.
and even despite today's scare, i'm still looking forward to red flannel day.
traditionally, for me, it's a day of crap and fighting with someone from drumline, but at this point i'm not gonna fight with anyone.
i'm just gonna do my own thing. if they want to fight, then fuck them.
i'm doing my own thing anyway. and not fighting with them.
but yeah, "phrase of the day":
feeling pretty good.
5 comments |
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upchuck
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2004 28 September :: 10.12am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Sounds: Martin Luther King Jr. Speeches
I am the rock; I should be strong, but I cannot summon the strength
Right now, I don't know what to do.
I am so tired. Tired of my job. Tired of these long nights. Tired of getting home from work when the sun is coming up. Life could be good. Life could be grand. But now, put a paper bag on my head and I would just give up than rather to try to find my way out.
It really kills when there are two things in my life right now that are horrible stressors, and all I want to do is to avoid them both like the plague (yes, I know, a coloqualism). Both my job at BP, which will be over on Thursday, but still, I want it to be done now, and my Spanish class. Spanish is funny. I'm funny. I don't mean in the ha-ha funny way, in the I can't figure it out for the life of me funny. Can it be that hard? When your dealing with a schedule like mine it can be. When your used to being able to wrap your mind around a concept it can be. When you can't, for the life of you, find any way to become motivated to do the necessary work it can be. This isn't high school. This is college. I feel like I'm letting the prof down. I feel like I'm letting my classmates down. I also feel like I'm letting myself down, not only me now, but my future. So much of my future hinges on me being able to learn the concepts of a language so foreign and I don't know if I can do it. I'd like to be able to relax, but everything has become a trap to me.
I want time. I want to be able to go into the forest when I feel like it. I want to be able to do things when I feel I can. I don't want my bedroom to feel like a trap where I spend my unconscious time. I don't want my car to feel like my escape from a situation I don't want to be in. But a trap in itself, because no matter how far I'd like to run I'm still stuck inside my own head. I desparately want something to grasp onto. Something to distract me from the stark reality that is slowly beginning to reveal itself to me. I want life to be something other than what it is turning into. Why can't I live that life? Where did that change? When did I lose my idealism? Where did my innoncence go? How will my sense of justice be restored?
Really I want to fall on my face before God and ask Him what to do. But I don't know how to do that right now. I need prayer, I need fellowship, I need Him now more than ever. All I do is tell Him that, but it was very obvious this weekend that the desire is not there on my part. The call to desire that was given seems unattainable for me. Now, I don't know what to do.
We all struggle. I just don't seem much of a way back to contentment right now. It's been a bad stretch, and I don't know how much strength I have to renew myself again. But it will pass, and when it does, I will be grateful.
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m&ms487
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2004 24 September :: 10.01pm
:: Mood: cold
It's not that way.......
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Upchuck
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2004 21 September :: 11.14am
I think I'm going to call into work, skip my classes and sleep.
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spud
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2004 20 September :: 4.04pm
yeah.
i feel pretty good, all things considered.
i miss katie.
school stuff keeps me busy.
the car is still falling apart, as always.
i'm not progressing in the college search.
but by far, my biggest problem.... the one that drags me down all the time..........
there's just not enough of me to go around. there are so many different things i want to share in, and contribute to. so many people i care about.
and not enough that i can do.
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m&ms487
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2004 19 September :: 8.50pm
:: Mood: blah
I just got home from work....I did carts for four and a half hours. That was fun. Actually, it was the best time that i've done it so far, no one tried to run me over (by accident or on purpose), none of my carts got loose (tight!), and I never had any times when my corrals were overly full, or my holding spaces were too empty, plus it was around seventy, so it wasn't too terribly hot.
This weekend went by fast. I don't know how I'm suppose to have time..for anything. Of course, that's right, I don't. Oh gee.
Maybe I should go to bed so I can wake up for another WONDERFUL day of school. You know, IT IS JUST SO refreshing to walk into a building everyday that reminds you of a prison, oh, and guess what!?! Feels like one too. Oh, and a quick tip, if you drop your soap, don't pick it up. You never know who'll pull up your thong.
I hate that, girls with really low jeans, and thongs half way up their back..but hey, what am I talking about, a small percentage of my school, right? Yeah, 99% is a small number.
Eh, i'm being very.......moody today, I must go to bed, then.
Good night.
Oh, and Rueben, I'll be home around three, call me then!
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Upchuck
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2004 16 September :: 10.50am
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: "Meant to Live" Switchfoot
Slowly assailing the stairs, my fatigued limbs give out and I realize I am not the same person I once was
So, long time no talk. Umm, anything to say, yes.
School has started. It has been a rather unique experience. SPA 101 I think is going to kick my ass. Foregin language, yeah. All my other classes are fairly predictable routine that I am very used to. PSY 325 (Ed Psych.) is a interactive video class, but that doesn't make it much different except for the fact that I have sit there for three hours like a vegetable absorbing info because there is not enough bandwith on the sound system to really deal with too much prof student interaction. So that's school in a nutshell for you. Which, in the scope of what has been happening over the past few weeks does not really compare to everything else that has been going on in my life.
Fatigue my friends, sleep depravation. Majorly. Most of you probably did not know this, but I finally quit Wendy's. Yes, I did. After 2.5 years, stretching all the way from high school into this somewhat sophisticated adulthood, I quit. Of course I would like to say that I did it out of some sort of principal, or left for a better job, but it wasn't. I didn't know that at the time, but I do now. No, I left to take a 3rd shift job at BP. Butt Plug of all places. Well after the first two weeks I decided that that was not the way to go for me. Fortunately, my lovely friends at my prior job refused to take me out of the computer system. They all said I would be back, and now I am. After the whole fiasco up in BR when Kim and I and Nita all had to go up there because they lost major crew and then Paul got fired, it left us short in Mgmnt because Nita got bumped up to DM. So that meant Dee got bumped to GM, which meant that Sharon was going to stay as our Asst. istead of transfering up to Cadillac. Well, a week later Sharon quit. Yipee. Seriously, the week I left, they hired like eight people. They weren't all to replace me, but a couple of them probably were. So, now Wendy's is looking for a new manager. Enter a person with 2.5 years of experience, not only at Wendy's, but at that specific store, Me. So I talked to Nita on Monday and I was approved for my promotion. Now I am a shift manager. Yeah me. Finally, I almost have something to show for my life. I haven't started yet because I'm still working out my hours at BP, but yeah, I'll be there soon. Boy is this going to blow the theory out of the water that you can't work a full time management position and go to school at the same time (sorry I'm just a little started now).
So now I have a decision to make. If the Whitecaps win tonight or Friday, I need to decide if I should go the last Whitecaps home game on Satrday night, or should I go to my first game of kickball. This is going to be a tough decision, I'll have to think about it.
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2004 14 September :: 8.04pm
:: Music: 311
OH, WHAT THE HELL????
i'm never eating peanuts again.
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spud
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2004 14 September :: 8.03pm
i just finished singing the most soulful rendition of "Mexico" in my entire life.
i still don't feel any better.
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m&ms487
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2004 12 September :: 3.19pm
I'm so tired, it's like summer never even existed. This is the part that i hate about school, oh, and that whole "we'll lock you up for seven hours a day using fluorescent lighting so we can kill your spirit, and your eyes!"
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spud
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2004 9 September :: 11.01pm
you know it totally figures.
i'm stuck with some ugly dude i've never seen before, only to discuss politics, shower, and endure a whiskey hangover!
marvy......
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m&ms487
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2004 8 September :: 7.31pm
Her eyes closed slowly in quiet rememberance. The thoughts of then slowly crept into her mind. The scenes, that happened so long ago, but seem like yesterday. She thinks of those feelings that she felt, that still remain. Somewhere deep inside her she can tell she's still waiting, still wondering why it all lingers. The purpose of it all is so unclear. The echoes of a million voices reverberate in her head. Which one will she choose? She knows one voice speaks louder than the others, and she clings to it, but still wants away from it. She knows there is a dangerous part of herself, that will do anything to rebound, even if it means destroying all that has been achieved, or at least, appears as such. She wants what she shouldn't, and grieves for what she had, no matter the cost. She is confused at this all, but still cannot understand, and cannot comprehend, so all she can do is patiently wait, until the day arrives, where the choices will be made, and the future will be fortold.
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spud
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2004 6 September :: 9.22pm
vegas solitaire is the most rediculous computer game i have ever wasted my time with.
on a lighter note....
i'm going to bed soon.
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spud
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2004 5 September :: 10.11pm
in other words, grab the next mother-fucking marmaduke who refuses to subdue to these pelvic ostentations. says:
i was reading something online about octane boosters for your car.
in other words, grab the next mother-fucking marmaduke who refuses to subdue to these pelvic ostentations. says:
i think i'm gonna buy like five gallons.
tuwang128@hotmail.com says:
NOS?
in other words, grab the next mother-fucking marmaduke who refuses to subdue to these pelvic ostentations. says:
but it was really interesting to read the chemistry behind it.
in other words, grab the next mother-fucking marmaduke who refuses to subdue to these pelvic ostentations. says:
it's called toluene.
in other words, grab the next mother-fucking marmaduke who refuses to subdue to these pelvic ostentations. says:
it's an aromatic hydrocarbon, not nitrous oxide.
in other words, grab the next mother-fucking marmaduke who refuses to subdue to these pelvic ostentations. says:
NOS is comprised of nitrogen atoms and oxygen atoms.
in other words, grab the next mother-fucking marmaduke who refuses to subdue to these pelvic ostentations. says:
toluene, and gasoline, are both comprised of hydrogen and carbon atoms.
tuwang128@hotmail.com says:
sheep 1
tuwang128@hotmail.com says:
sheep 2
tuwang128@hotmail.com says:
sheep 3
in other words, grab the next mother-fucking marmaduke who refuses to subdue to these pelvic ostentations. says:
dude
in other words, grab the next mother-fucking marmaduke who refuses to subdue to these pelvic ostentations. says:
i thought it was fucking cool.
in other words, grab the next mother-fucking marmaduke who refuses to subdue to these pelvic ostentations. says:
but then again, i liked chemistry
in other words, grab the next mother-fucking marmaduke who refuses to subdue to these pelvic ostentations. says:
i just hated my teacher.
in other words, grab the next mother-fucking marmaduke who refuses to subdue to these pelvic ostentations. says:
but the plan is, i buy five gallons of this stuff, put one gallon in my car, then fill up with premium unleaded.
in other words, grab the next mother-fucking marmaduke who refuses to subdue to these pelvic ostentations. says:
that should give me 94.5 octane.
in other words, grab the next mother-fucking marmaduke who refuses to subdue to these pelvic ostentations. says:
as opposed to 87 octane, normally.
*
that's the plan.
i will let you kids know how it turns out.
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spud
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2004 5 September :: 9.12pm
you hate the way in which i drive. i'm different now, this very night. she ate her hay and did contrive my anger that will fuel this fight.
i thought of you while i drove home. you seem to not want me around. i fought myself, so all alone. i'm seething mad, but peace i've found.
tears of joy and sadness too,
are things i manage to elude.
angry tears i will not cry,
nor try to keep our love alive.
there was a time when i'd have spared you; cared to tear my hear apart, just so things might go play the part, to sooth your mood and slake my lust.
searing hot, i shoot to kill.
i will not fight against my will.
maybe someday you'll grow up.
until that day, i've had enough.
you wanted me -
to be clairvoyant, meek and dormant.
you wanted me -
to act more buoyant, weak and formal.
you wanted me -
to think alike, just as you planned.
you wanted me -
to just relax and be your man.
but no more ...
what did you say? i cannot hear.
come see the blood that fills my ears.
it smells like copper; tastes of iron.
here comes my hearse, equipped with siren.
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spud
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2004 5 September :: 8.32pm
:: Mood: good
car
well, i went to the krispy kreme g2g today.
it was sweet.
afterward we went caravan-ing through ada, to grattan raceway.
then i went to hector's to pick up the rabbit manual so i could fix my EGR idiot light.
let me tell you, once i read how to do it, i felt like an idiot.
it was so simple.
in the engine compartment, on the speedo cable, just before the firewall, there's this electronic block. and on the block is the reset button.
i can't believe i didn't guess it.
i've looked at that thing so many times and wondered what its purpose was.
so rediculous.
i guess i'll know when it lights again...... in another 15,000 miles.
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m&ms487
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2004 4 September :: 11.53am
I wish I wouldn't care anymore, and let things slip by. Somehow, I remember, it was easier that way.
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spud
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2004 1 September :: 3.17pm
:: Music: INCUBUS - when it comes
i was informed by one brittany lollo that there is some sort of band practice pre-game thing.
she asked if i knew whether it was required or not.
and i did not.
so, if anyone out there does, please let me know.
my mom said it was some sort of dinner thing.
but i've heard enough of my mom's bullshit to know that she's probably wrong.
but always with the purest of intentions, my mom.
anyway.
band! thursday! deal????
inform and enlighten!!!!
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spud
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2004 1 September :: 12.45am
BACK FROM MARYLAND.
and stuff.
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Upchuck
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2004 31 August :: 12.24pm
I know that if I keep telling myself that I can make it I can. It's been 36 hours. In that 36 hours ~4 hours have been dedicated to sleep, 8.5 hours to work, 2 to actual class time. It gets better. The next time I get to sleep is 20 hours from now. That would be another 2 hour period. But then, blissfully then, ~24 hours from now I will have time to sleep for eight hours. Eight wonderful hours.
I can do this.
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2004 26 August :: 10.19pm
EVERYBODY! EVERYBODY!!
SHOWING, at the courtland township hall on 14 mile;
saturday, september 4, 2004:
AMBIENT CIRCUMSTANCES - a third tale of crabmeat
starring:
- ryan gravelle (brofo gabbins)
- derek waldron (daron biggs)
- joshua garnsey (master jg systems)
- tony putt (colt)
SHOWTIMES:
3:30 - 5:30
6:00 - 8:00
8:30 - 10:30
*DVDs will be sold at the premier.
Seats are limited.
concessions available.
remember to wear underpants.
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