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2008 5 August :: 3.48pm
so, i'm completely done done with my summer class. still hasn't quite sunk in yet. but it will soon.
and emily is gone again. also hasn't sunk in. coffee today was nice though. i can't believe she'd never played chess before.
so yeah, that's pretty much it. i lost my phone charger at kevin's this weekend. kinda sucks. but i'm getting my new one soon, so it doesn't really even matter that much.
i don't know. i'm gonna go play drums, since i'm all out of ideas.
peace.
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2008 2 August :: 10.14am
:: Music: kebbeen, buying me dinner.
Mr. J, (this entry's more for me than anything else)
movie's done, at least as far as i'm concerned. going canoing today. wrap party for the film is tomorrow. the last class is on monday, and i have to turn in a 3-5 page paper that i have yet to write. should be exciting. also going to try and schedule a job interview for that time. and go into campus view and raise hell for my damage deposit. so, staying plenty busy, even though it's supposedly over.
but that's okay. life barrels on.
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m&ms487
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2008 31 July :: 8.20am
Well, I went and saw the doctor yesterday after trying to go to work at nine and then working for three hours being extremely dizzy and holding myself up with the counter.
Rueben and Glor came and picked me up and Rueben drove me to my appointment. The doctor said it was either something with my heart (because during my recent physcial I was told for the first time that I have a heart murmur) or I'm hypoglycemic; so I got an EKG, some blood drawn, and they sent me home with at 24 hour EKG. So, I get to carry around a little bag with wires attached to me until two this afternoon, and then Rueben is going to take me to drop it off. The real EKG they did in the office was fine, and the doctor said he thinks the 24 hour one will be, too. But...but only thing he was worried about was that hypoglycimia doesn't explain why I couldn't walk for almost an hour and a half after I almost passed out.
I guess we'll see. I think my ulcer is healing. I was able to eat quite a bit yesterday (probably about 1300 calories), which isn't quite a bit, but it's a hell of a lot more than I have been able to eat the past few months...plus I didn't get nauseated!
So, as one thing gets better, another gets worse.
I have the day off today from work, doctor's orders. I have to work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, so we'll see how it goes. I like the little vacation, but I don't like it's cause.
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m&ms487
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2008 29 July :: 8.54am
I almost passed out at work yesterday. I was processing a return and all of the sudden I felt a wave of heat come over me. I looked at the computer screen and it split into three screens (just like in the movies, in fact), and then I couldn't hear anything like I was underwater. So, I told my coworker to finish the return and I collapsed on the floor.
I called my parents to come and get me since I couldn't drive home, and I was wheeled out in a wheel chair.
I have the day off today, so I'm just resting now. I feel a lot better; I couldn't walk for a few hours after it happened.
It was really warm behind the service desk again, almost seventy nine. My dad was yelling at me saying that I shouldn't be passing out when it's only seventy nine and there are lots of people that work in factories where it's warmer than that. It put me off. I can't help it, and there's nothing that a doctor will be able to do. When it gets really hot and humid, I can't sweat, which makes me overheat. I don't know, I feel like I'm thirteen again and I'm getting yelled at for something I have no control over.
I'm not looking forward to this weekend, however. It's suppose to get up into the nineties. What do I have to do? Buy myself twelve box fans to take to work with me?
I can tell you this, I don't ever want to be wheeled out of meijer in a wheel chair again until I'm ninety and don't know the difference.
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2008 26 July :: 12.37am
:: Music: Go Fish - Part of the Proof
seriously. i just want a day off. one fucking day off.
we filmed again today. james's room is fully dressed. but since our camera broke this afternoon, and they didn't get to the interior shots on the call sheet, they pushed them back to the end of the schedule, so that room didn't need to be dressed at all... so dumb, but it couldn't be helped.
i'm having lots of fun. but i'm so fucking tired. and i'm just getting sick of being there all the time.
and i'm smoking way too many cigarettes. this is killing me. neither softly, nor slowly.
but i'm determined to have fun, dammit. we're making a movie. it should be a good time.
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m&ms487
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2008 25 July :: 9.45pm
April 18
the slime of all my yesterdays
rots in the hollow of my skull
and if my stomach would contract
because of some explicable phenomenon
such as pregnancy or constipation
I would not remember you
or that because of sleep
infrequent as a moon of greencheese
that because of food
nourishing as violet leaves
that because of these
and in a few fatal yards of grass
in a few spaces of sky and treetops
a future was lost yesterday
as easily and irretrievably
as a tennis ball at twilight
-Sylvia Plath
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2008 20 July :: 1.55am
i'm SOOO tired. but it's back to the grindstone again tomorrow, so i suppose i ought to suck it up and deal.
sleepy time looms.
foreboding and somnambulant are the pertinent adjectives.
i think.
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m&ms487
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2008 19 July :: 8.22pm
There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
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2008 18 July :: 1.28am
drizzunk? schmammered? was macht es?
seriously, guys. 9pm. friday night (tomorrow... or today, depending on how you view it). sazerac lounge. be there (i will).
and fuck you jessa, for getting that damn song stuck in my head, right before i go to sleep. it will drive me insane.
; )
peace.
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2008 17 July :: 12.17am
went to blues on the mall tonight with mom and lib.
i got some free beers (we went to the BOB during the thunderstorm), and i got to hang with my family and pontificate some. it was gratifying.
but after spending all day working, and all evening walking around downtown, i am completely beat. and i get to do it all over again tomorrow.
no rest for the wicked, i guess. and apparently i'm totally fucking wicked.
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2008 15 July :: 8.52pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: none
Summer Film Project
::
i have finished day two of our preproduction preparations to the caledonia location. there's a shit ton of stuff that needs to be done, but at least we're finally getting somewhere.
i'm not doing anything involving audio, as i said before. but i do at least get to do construction stuff, which i'm fairly good at. not like it's rocket science.
but yeah. it's fun. the people are cool to hang with. but it's a lot of work. i mellowed out a lot once i resigned myself to the fact that this is just a really slipshod operation, and that i won't be able to rely on anything. i will do the best i can to make it happen for them, but nobody, not even me, can ask for anything more than that.
and i think i'm doing my part. i certainly have lots of tools down there, and we're making decent progress. i'll keep you guys posted on the happenings as i can, but no promises. it's keeping me plenty busy.
the important thing for you to remember is:
"WALTER'S WIFE" FUNDRAISING PARTY
Friday Night - 9PM - at the...
Sazerac Lounge
1418 Plainfield Ave NE
Grand Rapids, MI
Be there if you can. although, i believe it's 21+.
sorry.
call me if you have questions, or shoot me an email. i'll get more info as it becomes available. (like i said, slip-shod).
Peace.
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m&ms487
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2008 5 July :: 1.29pm
I'm about to leave for work; it's the last day in my forty hour work week. I have the next three days off.
I didn't get the big scholarship and I'm still waiting to hear on the two smaller ones; but it doesn't matter, anyhow. I'm still going to have to work this school year. Now I'm trying to amass hours so I can qualify for vacation. I have to work at least thirty six hours a week until the 26th. I only have thirty hours next week.
Rueben's been working most nights, I've been working mids. It's hard. I shaved my legs and my ankle is throbbing from the razor cut. Ugh. I have to wear a skirt to work again because it's so warm. I hate wearing a skirt. It makes people treat you different. I don't know how, don't ask for any examples or evidence...it just does.
Waiting for my phone to charge for a few minutes, then leaving. I'll be at work until 11 tonight. Feel free to stop by and get a price adjustment or a lottery ticket.
I'm impecunious and I can't do anything about it.
[curious now, aren't you.]
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m&ms487
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2008 1 July :: 8.12pm
No ten thousand dollar scholarship for me.
Now I just get to wait on those other two as I brace myself for another school year working at Meijer and wanting to go crazy.
Well, not wanting...actually going crazy.
I went shopping with my mom and my grandma today; went to valueland and bath and body works and all kinds of fun places.
I picked out a few cute tops and a new suit coat for ceremonies and performances because my old one doesn't fit anymore.
By the way, I've lost 50 pounds in the past year.
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2008 30 June :: 8.26am
Today is the day they notify the recipients of the ten thousand dollar scholarship.
oh hell.
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2008 25 June :: 12.47pm
It rained for a while earlier. It was wonderful to hear the droplets pound the cement and create little rivers in the growing grass.
I worked last night until 11, and I'm leaving for work in about an hour to do it again. I worked 38 hours last week and I have 37 and a half this week. I'm at work all the time, but I'm trying to increase my fringe hours (an average of how many hours you work per day for the entire year) so that I can actually get paid vacation and days off. My anniversary date is July 26, so I have to get my fringe up by then, thus I'm working my ass off, not taking lunches to get that extra half an hour on days where I'm not working a full eight, stuff like that.
But, it is leading some nice paychecks. Unfortunately, my first rent payment is due in a few days which all but depletes the savings I've stashed away the past few months. A day in the life...
I'm still waiting to hear on three scholarship opportunities. All should be announced within the next week or so. Although I'm financially set as far as financial aid, I would really like to refuse one or both of the loans that I was awarded if I got one or two of the scholarships. I would also like to not have to work next school year because of all the responsibilities I've taken on...but I doubt that'll happen.
The Inferno has gone by the wayside; now I'm purusing the Dictionary of Literary Terms and Literary Criticism while on breaks at work. It's quite informative, and since I'm taking a very prestigious class next semester with a very intelligent professor, I figure it will serve me well to know the difference between the meaning of classicism depending on the century, and all the different forms of Comedy, especially the Spanish ones.
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2008 23 June :: 2.19pm
I made hummus today. It was yummy.
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2008 21 June :: 6.46pm
Reading the text of Dante's Inferno with the original and translated text side by side makes me want to learn Italian.
And then I remember that I haven't even taken French 101 yet.
Why does language have to be so ambiguous and random!?!
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2008 20 June :: 5.51pm
I just feel so tired. My day off, and I feel tired.
I guess that's what happens when...
whatever.
I'm analyzing the previous poem more in depth. It's quite depressing, and I feel like I'm missing something. I think Eliot's trying to say that he's an atheist, and if there is a god, we're really fucked.
Me too.
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2008 19 June :: 4.49pm
:: Mood: getting frustrated
summer film
so...
as you are aware, if you're a devoted fan, i'm involved with the summer film project at GVSU. i feel kind of gipped in this whole experience, because it's been a mish-mash mess thus far. nobody knows who the professor is going to be, what positions the students are going to fill, or anything.
not to mention, i've been getting emails from a wide assortment of people for the last three months, all claiming to be giving me information on what the fuck is going on. seriously a class act. not to mention, the week that my summer project starts, is the same week as the world premiere of last year's summer film.
my theory is that, basically, the film department blew their load on last year's film, and now this year it's gonna suck. so, they're trying to publicize last year's film as much as possible in order to boost morale and public reception of GVSU's film dept. image or whatever.
and i'm a sound person. i have made that no small secret to anyone. when i applied for the summer film, i told them specifically that i'm a sound person, and wanted to work with sound if at all possible. at first they told me i was going to be a grip. which, you know, i was not into or whatever. but gradually i warmed up to the idea, talked myself into how awesome it could be, met a bunch of the other grips on the roster and tried to get friendly with them a little bit. and now i get an email, less than a week before class starts, saying that i'm now a set dresser.
yes. A SET DRESSER. what this has to do with sound, i know not. perhaps i will be able to manipulate the set in such a way that i will isolate its reverberative characteristics. yes? NO. there is no way i will have any impact on sound whatsoever! and all of that work i did on learning about lighting and shit, getting all buddy buddy with some of the grips is now completely out the fucking window. i'm with a bunch of other people i've never met, in a job i've never done. all the grips pretty much stayed the same. all the sound people changed, however, except for one. why i did not get one of the positions that was vacated during the shuffling, i know not. why the one person that remains from the initial lineup is the one that has no specific interest in sound whatsoever, is also beyond me.
i feel like i'm not in the right place. for awhile i was. i was in the right place, doing the right things. now, somehow, i've gone and fucked it all up. and i don't know how to fix it. and it's manifesting itself in extremely unpleasant ways. i don't know. something just feels really really wrong. and i don't like it. i'm just absolutely petrified that this year's going to suck. a lot. and rather than going on my way, continuing in my career like everyone else, i'm going to be the world's biggest fuckup, with no place to live, no job, no life, and $200 a month in student loan payments that i can't afford to make.
but i could be wrong.
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2008 19 June :: 12.36pm
::
Job ID: 10593
Job Title: Bell Person
Work Schedule: Flexible
Hours per Week: 16-32
Wage: 2.65
Employment Start Date: ASAP
Employment End Date:
Job Description: Assist guest with luggage and other room deliveries.
The wage is $2.65/ hour, plus tips.
Qualifications: Previous customer service is preferred.
-------------------------------
okay, really. i mean, how can they get away with this? paying a person less than half of minimum wage on the assumption that their tips are going to compensate? there was another posting for a breakfast waitress (not a waiter, mind you) for $4/hour. i just don't see how that's fair. and i thought it was kind of sexist to ask for a waitress. i kind of wanted to apply, just to see what they'd do.
so yeah. that's all i got.
bonnaroo was sweet. i'm still recovering. i'm a peely bastard too. that's what i get for going out in the sun like i did.
peace.
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2008 18 June :: 11.47pm
Dear Student,
At this time the awarding of the Bulletin Scholarships has been completed. Unfortunately, you were not selected for a scholarship awarded by the Office of Scholarships and Financial Aid (OSFA) for the 2008-2009 academic year. There were over 475 applicants this year and only 147 received a scholarship. We will keep your application on file and will consider you for additional scholarships that may become available. Please apply again in March 2009 if you are not graduating in May.
We wish you continued success as you pursue your educational goals.
Sincerely,
Judith Boyd
Assistant Director
Scholarships and Financial Aid
Okay, so if a 3.95 GPA can't get me any academic scholarships in this country, what am I suppose to do!?!
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m&ms487
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2008 15 June :: 10.28pm
:: Mood: complacent
It's late and I'm extremely exhausted; yet, I cannot, will not sleep. My body will not rest, so I am up, and writing. I am here.
I was reviewing some of my anthologies of literature as I often do upon trying to sleep. I flip through the pages and catch words, lines, sometimes whole stanzas or paragraphs of immortalized words and tonight I happened across one of the most depressing, yet insightful poems written in the modern period. It is T.S. Eliot's "The Hollow Men."
It seems like this time in the world-this time in my life with which I can view the world-fits into this piece so well. It talks about the fall of man because of what mankind has become: weak cowards. Eliot likens men to scarecrows in the desert that have no eyes and can only whisper meaningless things; their only hope is death.
I.
We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
We shipser together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry glass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar
Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;
Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom
Remember us-if at all-not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.
II.
Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death's dream kingdom
These do not appera:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
IN the wind's singing
More distand and more solemn
Than a fading star.
Let me be no nearer
In death's dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer-
Not that final meeting
In the twilight kingdom
III.
This is the dead land
This is cactus land
Here the stone images
Are raised, her they recive
The supplication of a dead man's hand
Under the twinkle of a fading star.
Is it like this
In death's other kingdom
Waking alone
At the hour when we are
Trembling with tenderness
Lips that would kiss
Form prayers to broken stone.
IV.
The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms
In this last of meeting places
We grope together
And avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river
Sightless, unless
The eyes reappear
As the perpetual star
Multifoliate rose
Of death's twilight kingdom
The hope only
Of empty men.
V.
Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o'clock in the morning.
Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom
Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
Life is very long
Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom
For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.
1925
Eliot says "This is the dead land" because we aren't living, and as much as we want to repent and "[tremble] with tenderness," we are only forming "prayers to broken stone," the same stone Eliot reveals that only exist because of the "supplication" of mankind's hands. We worship what we make, but prayers don't help any when you worship false ideals and material wealth made in hopes of becoming whole again that were made by corrupt hands. The act of the prayer can't even be completed because it can only be formed by the lips of the dead man who cannot speak; prayer that is nothing more than whispers that are "quiet and meaningless."
The whole effect? The futility of life, the cowardice of man, the corruption of man, inability to speak or see, the only possibly redeption and hope in man's death or nonexistence, the "shadow" of corruption in which we ruin everything that is good and pure in the world, man's inability to end his world "not with a band but a whimper."
Many times I feel this. Many times I see this.
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m&ms487
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2008 15 June :: 8.10pm
There are so many journals that are suspended in time like a fly in an amulet of amber.
It seems like everyone leaves off on a high point in their lives, descibing good times with friends they probably don't talk to now; high school replaced by the doldrum of the working world, paying bills, realizing how disparate we all are from each other. Instead of writing about an unremarkable life they just all decided to inexorably stop at the climax.
Or maybe they're all off having such a good time they just forgot about woohu.
Or perhaps they're all indolent. Writing is an excerise of the mind. Sometimes it takes all the energy I have to come up with a complete transcribed thought; then again, I will never be able to completly transcribe my thoughts into words. Words are insufficient for the goings-ons of my mind.
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2008 14 June :: 10.50pm
I punched out at 10:10pm from work. I'm in again in less than six hours. Woot for 6:45 am shifts. boo.
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2008 12 June :: 9.51pm
I had an Andy sighting today. He was at Meijer with Clem and Jessa. Yes, folks, the great creator of woohu goes to Meijer.
On to other items:
I'm reading The Inferno by none other than Dante. I've always been curious about the whole hell thing for the simple fact that if it does exist, that's where you can mail your correspondences to me in the afterlife. I don't believe in God GOD...you know, He who smites and give powers to part seas and all that. I believe in a higher power, which I prefer to call fate.
So, it was my pleasure to start reading about where I could possibly spend eternity in some nicely translated verse. In all actuality, I would only be banished to the second circle, or the realm of the damned for having premarital relations. This entails constantly contorting while being thrown through "That hellish cyclone that can never rest" which "snatches the spirits up in its driving whirl/ [and] whisks them about and beats and buffets them." That is for people who commit adulterous affairs...so I'm not quite sure if I would fully fit in there.
If I don't, then I'll only be relegated to limbo, which isn't all that bad I guess. It would just be a bunch of people, like Virgil, Homer, Aristotle, and some unbaptized babies who "did not sin." People who "lived before the Christian faith, [but] did not give God homage as they ought" and the only bad thing is they are "hopeless, [and] live forever in desire."
Poetry just makes everything seem a little better. That's why I'm an English major. When I'm starving because food is too expensive and I have to pay back college loans, I'll have my poetry and the knowledge that I'll have a cyclone to one day call home.
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2008 10 June :: 9.15am
He has evidence and a impecible argument for impeachment of Bush and no one cares. No one.
Just another crazy liberal spouting things off again.
I need to move to sweden.
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2008 7 June :: 10.26am
I have work again, later today.
After the whole postal scandal, I'm not sure what's going to happen in the next two months. The only thing I know is that I won't have to work with that group of people after August, and I doubt I will ever work with them again.
I can't believe the shit I go through to make $7.50 an hour.
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2008 1 June :: 8.43pm
I went to a baby shower this afternoon for the girlfriend of my parents' friends' son. It was long, but it made me very worried at myself. My body or my mind, I'm not sure which at this point, is telling me that it's time to have a baby; but my logical mind says "ohhh, no way, not yet."
And that's a good thing. I want to be prepared to have a child, even though you'll all tell me "you'll never be prepared," I mean that I want to be fairly financially secure, working in a good job, be settled in a semi-permanent apartment or house, and, of course, be married (eventhough I'm pratically already married).
I don't know...just seeing how happy she was made me want that. I want to be a mother someday...I don't even care if it's my biological child or not. I just want to be a mother.
...but, again, when I and Rueben are ready...even though I doubt he'll ever be ready.
oh, by the way, I almost passed out the other day because the temperature behind the service desk was at least 82 degrees. Hot.
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2008 31 May :: 9.11am
I have to work again today. I had to leave work three hours early yesterday because I almost passed out. It's so warm behind the service desk because they haven't turned on the air yet and there is an overhang so there is very little air circulation.
Anyway, I'm taking a thermometer to work with me today to see just how warm it really gets. I swear it was around 90 up there yesterday (and humid)...and we have one small fan. We'll see. I can't work in conditions like that...
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2008 30 May :: 11.42am
:: Mood: wet ::
:: Music: muse ::
hey, it's been awhile
::
yeah, i know, it's been awhile. i'm sorry. i'm a slacker.
since my last update i've...
been to europe.
left my girlfriend.
moved.
been unemployed.
fucked around.
gotten some stuff done.
fucked around some more.
there. now that we're all caught up, i can move on to more pressing things.
okay. i really don't have anything pressing. i've been in a funny mood lately. and that seems to pervade everything. so, there's no sense of urgency.
but i dunno. something has to change. i mean, a lot of STUFF has already changed since last we met. but i'm talking about something within myself that needs to change. because i can't continue on this path and remain successful.
which is exactly why i don't want to go back to steelcase. because i could, but it would just be more of the same old bullshit. and i want something new, something different, something that takes me somewhere else. i'm moving on damn it, even if the rest of the world won't let me.
another part of moving on involves not smoking. which is really really hard. it's hard because i don't want to. if i wanted to, it wouldn't be nearly as difficult. but i don't want to. i like smoking. i like the way it tastes and smells and feels. but we're a dying breed.
*pause for irony*
got that laugh out of your system? good. me neither.
but yeah. i really have to cut it out. out of my lifestyle. out of my budget. i need to make more room in it for beer money.
party at emily's tonight. bound to be a great time. i'm looking forward to it.
bruce wanted some help installing a door tomorrow morning. should make the job go faster, and i might get some cash out of the deal. that'd be nice.
after that is owen's graduation party. and hunter wanted to hang out in the evening. but the hockey game is on at rich's. so i'm gonna have to figure out what i'm doing with that scheduling conflict.
and rich invited me to go down to indianapolis with him to see nada surf. it's in like a week and a half. i hope i'm working by then, but i'll have to ask for that night off or something. i dunno. we'll see what happens.
and i think bonnaroo is the weekend after that. so i've got two concerts in the span of like a week. and they're both overnighters. damn man. i'm never going to get anything done.
speaking of which, time to get off my ass and do something. this has been a truly leg-numbing experience.
peace.
::
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