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m&ms487
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2006 27 November :: 9.59pm
So I slipped and fell this morning while dressing in the dark. Bruise on shoulder, a constant reminder. Sweatshirt smells like it's been locked up all its life. Exam tomorrow. What do I know of Snarl words and Allness? Index cards transformed into flash cards with a few marks that make up words of a transient language. Silence, Social Clocks, Haptics. These words mean something to someone, but not me, not yet. In a few hours sleep will knowingly approach, and the day at an end, and what have a I got? Weary eyes, tuition bills, and words. Words that I will forget after the impending exam, because these words mean something to someone, but not to me, not yet, and not for very long.
Michelle
l<3ve
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m&ms487
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2006 26 November :: 8.26pm
Driving home brought so many thoughts into my head. I have an immense fear of those around me dying. That's probably my biggest fear. Some nights I lie in bed and think about things as if someone was dead. What would I do? What would I feel? It always makes me start crying in the end, and I feel like I've committed some sin, as if thinking about that persons death is equated with me wanting them dead. How would I feel if I thought about them dying tonight, and then they did die tomorrow. Then all I'm left with is guilt, and all I have done is lie in bed before sleep overcomes me.
I've been lucky. No one close to me has died. I know it will happen soon enough. I don't wish for it, but the truth is, no matter how much I or anyone else wants to deny it, is that we all secede to death. It's our final end, an end we have little control over. I thought I had control over it once. It had control over me.
My grandparents are old and frail. They act with dignity, but they are slowly realizing death will come soon. They are planning the rest of their life for their death.
Do I plan my life for death? Do any of us? Do we wake up in the morning, watching the sunrise, or falling out of bed, or dreading another monotonous normal day and think of death? Should we? Would that circumvent the reason, whatever that reason may be, why we are living?
If we thought of death everyday, could we enjoy life? Are we meant to enjoy life?
Are we suppose to be "grieveing the sun" on it's final journy to the horizon? Or are we suppose to ignore the inevitable, find some shallow work to busy ourselves with, and only recognize the end when it comes knocking at the door to your [trailer, suburban two story, houseboat, yacht, mansion, cardboard box] home?
I am reminded of death when I look at my grandparents, the leafless trees, the brown grass, and deer splattered along the roadway.
Perhaps we are never meant to come to terms with death, only await it's inevitability. Freedom from our imperfect bodies may be our biggest birthday present. I once thought it was.
Michelle
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l<3ve
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liz
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2006 25 November :: 7.33pm
I heart Jes Jes,
also I am a complete badass.
5 |
l<3ve
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m&ms487
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2006 24 November :: 12.30pm
Thanksgiving.
Work.
Feet hurt.
Loverly.
l<3ve
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liz
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2006 23 November :: 3.13am
LOL Ray is a loser
State the obvious, I didn't get my perfect fantasy
I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me
So go and tell your friends that I'm obsessive and crazy
That's fine; I'll tell mine you're gay
And by the way...
[Chorus:]
I hate that stupid old pickup truck
You never let me drive
You're a redneck heartbreak
Who's really bad at lying
So watch me strike a match
On all my wasted time
As far as I'm concerned you're
Just another picture to burn
There's no time for tears,
I'm just sitting here planning my revenge
There's nothing stopping me
From going out with all of your best friends
And if you come around saying sorry to me
My daddy's gonna show you how sorry you'll be
[Repeat Chorus]
If you're missing me,
You'd better keep it to yourself
Cause coming back around here
Would be bad for your health...
[Repeat Chorus]
Burn, burn, burn, baby, burn
You're just another picture to burn
Baby, burn...
l<3ve
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liz
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2006 23 November :: 2.03am
such a damn conformist i am
Create your own friendquiz here
5 |
l<3ve
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liz
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2006 21 November :: 11.10pm
Well Im a conformist
Leave some memories that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember! Don't send a message, leave a comment on here. Next, re-post this in your notes and see how many people leave a memory about you
6 |
l<3ve
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m&ms487
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2006 21 November :: 1.35pm
I will be home at approximately ten p.m. for all of those who wanted to know.
Jessie: I expect a romp with you within just a few days of my return.
Michelle
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l<3ve
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tails
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2006 20 November :: 8.44pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: Elastica 2;1
The list is getting longer but the base is getting stronger
My car is fixed.
Cellphone Still Lost.
Still owe the bank money.
Still in debt with credit cards
Still working one shitty job
Still Living at my dads house.
Still alone.
(Ive got some problems to work on)
(but at least one of them is solved)
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l<3ve
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