Extremely Strange.......

:: 2007 9 February :: 2.48pm

okay okay i'll fucking admit it already. i'm not happy i fucking hate myself i want to quit school and i swear to god i want nothing more than to move to a different country. ANY different country. anywhere. i just want to GO AWAY. for a very very long time and i dont want to have to worry about money ever again.

i am fucking going in sane and i am about to sanp. to put it lightly.

i have got to get out ofhere.

4 Felt the pain... | How does it feel?

:: 2007 8 February :: 8.33pm

beauty
What is it that makes us pretty anyway? Why are one sort of looks more appealing than another?
I don't get it I guess.

I cut my bangs. I just went away chopping and now I have more bangs and a new style going on with my hair and I enjoy it. Yay for me for not effing them up.

I have to figure out how I'm going to quit Beaners. I told one of the girls I work with today that I was quitting because I have a hard time keeping secrets about myself. I can keep other peoples' secrets but not my own. She says Louis wont care that much and not to worry. But I think everyone is going to hate me and I'm scared to quit.

But I'm SO excited that I am going to work at Kindercare. I met with Heather, the director yesterday and she said I will work in the infant or toddler room YAY. Babies!! I love them.

Tomorrow I work at 5:30 am to 12. Bleh. I don't want to get up that fucking early. Stupid. Oh well.

I have a paper due tomorrow. 7 pages and I haven't started it.

Blehhhhh. My apartment smells. I'm not sure if it's Roman or if I need to take out the trash.

haha, I kid. I know it's the trash. I really need to take that out... hmm.. but the snow.. and it's a long walk .. and ... and... it's dark...and i dont want to.

I wish I was a millionaire. I do I do I do.

When the lease is up me and roman might live with people of our own sexes for a change. We don't know if we should be living together because then when we get married... it will feel like nothing has changed... You know? We'd get back from the honeymoon and go back to our same life. And we don't want that. I duno. And part of me really wants to live with jess and maybe some chicks. I duno. At the same time I love living with roman and I would hate to think of the people he would live with. guhhhhhh it makes me cringe to think of it. Well, i mean. only one person i am thinking of. i dont know who else he'd live with.

anyway. gosh i'm writing a novel. i want to lose weight. i have not bought "my" little debbie brownies (aka my favorite food ever in the entire world ever) in like a month. Yes, feel free to congratulate me. Seriously, there was a time ( like 2/3 months ago) that it was like if I didn't have my brownie that day, I couldn't function. sick . so i just try to think about how gross they really are in reality. so processed and rich and sugarry and all ... packaged and stuff. stop eating them. So I resist.

I can't wait for grey's anatomy. The good thinga bout working so early is that I can see grey's. lol.

And the daycare closes at 6 so i wil never have to miss Grey's ever ever again.

What do I want to do with my life?

I want to travel to tons of countries before I die. I want 15 minutes of (good) fame. I want to live comfortably and I want a perfect family.

If I named my kid Paja would I be a horrible mother? I like that name. Pajha maybe? Paja as in "Pay-sha" well kinda. i dont know how to spell the last part. ja . jha. like how in austin powers they say faja. it's like that. lol paja. I duno. I'm werid. I want my kids to have original names because I always hated how a million people had my same name.

Someone leave me a comment puhlease.

Goodnight children.

-Jessica michele

lynds4090

:: 2007 8 February :: 6.27pm

I look at my last entry and cry... most of the stuff is still true. I also laugh though because it is in a list form... what isn't in my life in list form?
I forgot about woohu... i should write more and maybe it will help relive so stress and issues.

3 Felt the pain... | How does it feel?

:: 2007 7 February :: 1.26pm

i dont want to go to school.

bleeeh i think i have to give a speech today. i'm not even sure.

i'm so mad at myself because i was really scared of the test i had to take today and then before i handed it in, i cahnged one of my answeres and it would have been right if i had just left it as it was. ughghghgh! i hate that feeling.

i wish i could just be a tall skinny model on the janice dickenson show and never have to go to school again. but only models on that show because they dont seem really bitchy.

i'm sick of people stealing money from me and roman

realy fucking sick of it!!!

we had plans for that you stupid bitches. we had plans for all that money and now it's gone. stop stealing our money.

:: 2007 6 February :: 1.28pm

ughghghghghghhghg all i can say is

shut up!!!

:: 2007 2 February :: 4.26pm

so i just got a job at kindercare i think. wow i interviewed there WAY back in december so i am excited. they will pay more than beaners and i can have more hours if i want. i feel bad because i really liked beaners but maybe i can somehow work at both places... ehh i duno! i feel so bad they are all gonna hate me there and i really liked them

but i guess here i need to pack a list of pros and cons

Pros of Beaners:
nice people
work at 6-2 so i have my whole day to do whatever
easy
close at 9 so i get home early
nice schedule
i love coffee and get 1/2 off
it's like a two minute drive to get there

Cons of Beaners:
Louis makes me nervous
boring
i dont like working with food!!!!
not good pay
getting up way early kinda sucks
i HATE wearing a uniform like that. black pants, black belt, black shoes and orange shirt.
i can't wear earrings, jewerly, not even my ring, and NO NAIL POLISH

Pros of working at Kindercare:
they have something where if you are going to school for child care or like early childhood dev. they will pay for you tuition so if i decide to switch i could do that and if you do that then you can get a job at kindercare as like a manager or whatever
more pay
more hours if i want
dont have to work weekends
i think they close at like 6... so i wouldn't be there late
WORKING WITH LITTLE KIDS!!! and hopefully BABIES!!! YAY that is the OBVIOUS BEST THING ABOUT IT!!!!
friendly people!!!- heather , the manager or whatever is really really nice
BABIES, agian. but for real, i LOVE THEM it makes my heart melt just thinking about how i will be able to feed them their bottles and rock them to sleep!!!
Feel like i am teaching and helping kids instead of just providing customer service or coffee lol
dont have to work with food except snack time and lunch time lol
not a very strict uniform policy

Cons of working at Kindercare:
loud annoying kids sometimes
further drive
more physical work so it might be tiring
maybe not as flexible of a schedule??? but again, not sat or sun

okay so it looks like kindercare is a better option lol. ahh i just wanna work with babies!! maybe i'll try to keep both for a while and make sure i like kindercare but that might be hard to do but i can do it.

yay!!

:: 2007 2 February :: 1.42pm

so my neighbor or whatever is just letting the bass boom boom.... boom boom.... boomm boooom.booom booom. .... i swear it was the beat of Ice Ice Baby earlier. well i dont care what he/she is listening to but they better shut it off soon!!! i am pissed and it is getting hard to drown out. i am trying to watch last night's grey's episode again on my computer but it wont load and i am getting pissy and the bass is not helping.

bass like boom boom not bass like a fish. just to clarify.

hey i think they shut it off.... maybe

8 Felt the pain... | How does it feel?

:: 2007 1 February :: 10.58pm

my boyfriend just threw his shoe at the wall in a fit of anger. hmm and apparently he hates me. what do i do.

crap.

but i still got flowers....???

explain?

but i still have a "pooch" so i still am pretty much worth nothing.

i wish i lived on Grey's Anatomy and George married me in Vegas instead of Callie. Nothing against her, she is great and pretty andfunny and smart but I wanted to be George's wife and now it will never happen. Unless they get a divorce, but then I'd feel too bad for Callie that I couldn't marry George... or maybe I could. I want to be a hot surgeon dating a hot surgeon. Meredith and Derrick though would get on my nerves sooo bad. I love Meredith but I hate her when she's with Derrick and when she says "LOVE ME, PICK ME, CHOOSE ME." annnnnoooyyyinnnggg.

Marry me George and we can do surgeries together. Jessica O'Malley. That's so much better than any other potential name.

1 Felt the pain... | How does it feel?

:: 2007 1 February :: 7.11pm

i am so angry. i try and try and try to please that STUPID woman who for the majority of the time that i have known her has been nothing but rude hurtful and mean to me. i have lately been gettting along with her but it always happens that we are starting to be better and then she turns around and is a huge bitch.

we were gonna go sledding and she was brining us snow clothes and she says " i'm brining a woman's size 8, i figured that would fit jess" and roman's like yeah probably with all the clothes on and stuff and he says "what size do you wear" and i'm like "a 6 or 7" and she says "i figured an 8 would fit her . she's been packing on the pounds. she was scaring me, i thought she was pregnant. is she pregnant? yeah she's been gaining weight she's got a pooch. but she knows it. yeah she 's been packing on the pounds"

and so i immediately start crying. i haven't been called fat since i was in 1st great and my great great aunt thelma said it. bitch.

what a fucking bitch. like she has any right to talk. she's fucking like 300 pounds. i'm nothing but nice to her. and then she says shit like that. you dont say that to a fucking girl. sorry nope. i finally FINALLY have gotten to the stage where i am beginning to accept myself just me for me. i have been getting used to my imperfections and telling myself that i'm OKAY the way i am but nooo that fat bitch has to go and say shit like that and get me feeling self consious again. STUPID BITCH.

so i wanna go home and roman wont take me. we get in this huge fight. roman starts driving he wants me to get out of his car. i wont . i think we're going home. he calls his mom and says we're not coming. the bitch tries to talk to me on the phone and i say psh no i'm not talking to anyone leave me alone "oh she wasn't saying you were fat blah blah blah " i'm like 'YEAH RIGHT? HOW ELSE CAN YOU SAY I'M FAT WITHOUT ACTUALLY SAYING THE WORDS. what other synnonems (sp) can you think of? i'm not rude to her, she has NO RIGHT to be so rude to me" and i hope she heard me say all of that. she deserves to be CALLED out once in a while for all her fucking little comments. she thinks she is queen of the mother fucking world and that her opinion matters so much that no one has a right to get mad when she says shit like that.

stupid fucking cunt bitch go fall down a flight of stairs you fucking bitch.

i am so fucking done.

does anyone else think it's a little fucking out of line. i'm so sick of it.

:: 2007 24 January :: 6.27pm

today on the highway it was way busy and i couldn't get over in the left lane for some people who were merging but i figured we'd be okay and just kind of window each other and we'd all be fine, so that plan worked out. everyone was able to squeeze in but then a few cars ahead of me they all breaked suddenly and by breaked i mean pedal to the floor , HALT, kind of break. and so everyone was sqealing their tires and like 1/2 an inch from each other and i was SO close to hitting the person in front of me and then BOOM someone hit me from the back. yeah so i started freaking out and i got off at the next exit and the person followed me but nothing was wrong. not even a mark..................

but it was scary and it made me shake and cry. lol dumb. i just wanted to share.

swimfan14

:: 2007 21 January :: 3.03pm

It doesn't matter that he didn't mean it.

I still think it's true...

:: 2007 18 January :: 9.04pm

:: 2007 13 January :: 11.53pm

is something wrong with me? i dont even know. i dont know what it is . everyone is imperfect but what is it? do i make people run away? do i deter people from being near me. what is it. do i give off this poison or something. i'm not that bad. i'm certainly not as negative as i used to be. i now i am reclusive and kind of a loner but i'm not that bad.

i dont get it.

i'm missing this SOMETHING. i'm missing something. every time i walk there my eyes fill up with tears. my heart is telling me that that is what i am missing but i can't take the first step and i fear i never will be able to. it was that thing that pushed me away about 2 years ago and i still dont understand. if that is what i am missing and i was trying then why was i pushed away. why do i feel like i dont belong there if it is the thing i need the most. sometimes i feel like i have hit it and i'm finally there but then a week passes and the feeling is gone. sometimes i feel liek its not real. sometimes i feel like feeling that is wrong. what is faith?

i dont want to be preached to but i dont want to be told i'm wrong. and at the same time i want advice.

i'll never understand it. i know i am missing the joy of playing music. i know that that is something i miss dearly but what else is it.

i am stuck in a rut and at the same time never been happier. how does that happen? i just dont want to miss anything. why can't i just be that kind of person. almost a freeloader.

why do i feel that precious time is being wasted. with every day. with every hour. i know it is. god i know it is. what am i missing and how can i get it. i just want to be told. i just want someone to have all the answers. im so scared when you ask me that but i dont know if i'm scared because i dont think i'd be okay or if i'm scared because i'm just confused. probably both . but i dont feel wrong in what i believe. the world is too skewed for it to be straight black and white by the book. the people that live that way are being nonsensical. i'm not trying to adjust it so that i can get away with everything , it's just i am trying to make sense out of something that makes none.

why do you just roll over and go to sleep when i need you the most. what i need out of you, i have no idea. i just know that i need you.

please young ones- do not get caught up. dont do it. love and be loved but just ........................

why do i do the things i do. i can't even do things anymore without thinking about how i am not supposed to be doing them.

i didn't used to feel that. and that is why i know what i'm missing.

i know what im missing but i'm so afraid of it that i dont think i will ever get it. someone please please please help me. plesae help me please. please. i dont want to be like this anymore. i want to be happy like you. i dont want to be scared anymore.

and even saying all that i know i wont put forth any effort and i will be living like this tomorrow and the next day and the next. goodbye

i was going to drink tonight but then i thought i shouldn't since you were coming and all. Now i wish i had for an hour straight. i should have..............ugh

:: 2007 13 January :: 11.51pm

why is it that things are the way they are?