Some day i will die.
Sitting in the grass outside of town staring into a dark and cloudy sky with the wind blowing fierce as hell into my face and my hair going everywhere and slapping my cheeks and pricking my eyes and forcing them to water...i couldnt have been happier. i hate sunny days. i wish every fucking day was cold windy and dark...things just feel better on days like today. so while i was sitting there i kinda thought to myself...what the fuck? i mean like i want to feel so happy and free...and i fucking had the chance...the perfect chance in life to just go and be alive and free....i fucking threw it away....and why? i dont really know. i mean i thought about it later tonight when i was at ihop with sam. why didnt i take my chance and run away to detroit. would it have been coward like to run away from all my problems like that? was i afraid i was going to hurt someone or something? theres no one here who loves me, so im not going to fucking leave anyone behind who would fucking die without me . so i didnt go...obviously and im kinda regretting it...but i also think. i kinda want to really earn my freedom. and quitting my job was the best thing for me right now. the first real step to getting away. im sure you think im fucking stupid for doing it especially with all the expenses i have right now. BUT i dont fucking care. it was the best thing i could have done for myself. im away from that low paying assine time consuming smelly hell. so ive got a couple jobs that look promising god damn i hope one comes through for me soon and fast god please. so yeah hopefully ill get this new job and money will no longer be a problem and for gods good sake ill be able to start saving a little money fucking christ. you know. anyway. so yeah i was a fucking dick to alot of people and i realize that i talk out of my ass alot about issues i dont have place to stick my nose in. im admitting it and stopping it sorry. really i am fucking sorry. and i thank a certain person for accepting the fact that i fucked up and forgiving me today. you know who you are so thanks. and im sorry if anyone else was pissed the fuck off by me. im really sorry. im done with that sticking my nose anywhere i can bullshit. i realize i stay in my life and my bussiness....not yours. sorry. seriously. anyway other than that wow...i suck. and life is still feeling kinda good even though things sorta fucking suck....when it comes to money issues. but yeah ill get over it. sorry bitches. so im rambling now cause im all out of things to say. i love life and all of you. sorry. o and a really big sorry to a couple of folks. SORRY STACY. SORRY JAY. SORRY DERRIK. yeah thats it.

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