rayray
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2010 28 November :: 4.01pm
For the last 9 months, I thought that my whole life had changed when I found out I was pregnant on March 7th.
Clearly I was wrong.
On June 16th, when I found out I was having a baby girl, and cried because I was scared she was going to be just like me, an emotional wreck her whole life, and blame her mom for everything, I thought my whole world had changed.
But again, I was wrong.
It wasn't until November 8th, that my whole life had changed. This time I wasn't wrong.
Welcoming my baby girl into this world, was the most amazing thing.
It is so unbelievably amazing how you think your life can be complete with everything you have in it, until you have a child. Then you know your life is complete.
Part of me believes that I could go the rest of my life without accomplishing another thing, and be okay, because I know that I have created a life, that will keep me going.
I can't wait to watch her grow up.
I am terrified that she will resent me the way I resent my mom.
I am absolutely terrified I will turn out to be like my mom.
But I know that if I do the best I can, and do everything I can not to be like her, I will be okay.
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face the fox
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moomoo
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2010 27 November :: 5.10pm
Happiest I have been in a long time!
face the fox
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moomoo
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2010 29 October :: 6.33am
Halloween weekend!!!!
face the fox
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phil-himself
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2010 28 October :: 9.27pm
Shoot
I could use a steak and a good beer right about now.
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face the fox
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jordanmackenzie7
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2010 19 October :: 7.25pm
I am happy.
I am content.
It feels so good to say that.
<3
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face the fox
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angel_bob
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2010 13 October :: 5.52pm
I'm getting married in a week.
face the fox
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jayzulla
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2010 10 October :: 3.29am
Dirty rap music I love it.
face the fox
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m&ms487
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2010 1 October :: 9.38pm
I took the GRE today. The testing center is in the basement of one of the old dormitories at Central. It was weird. And dark.
I earned a 550 on the verbal section and a 480 on the quantitative section. I'm going to take it again in a year if I don't get admitted to University of Michigan's joint PhD program in English and Women's Studies.
1 slinked away |
face the fox
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rayray
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2010 10 September :: 10.04am
So, I've concluded that watching Medical Miracles or whatever the name of the show is on Discovery Health, is not condusive to a good nights sleep..
There was a woman who was pregnant, but they kept telling her that it was just a cyst.. Well, after 9 months, she indeed had a child. However, that baby had a mass in its stomach that was an 18 week old fetus. It had a head, legs, and arms, with fingers and toes..
Trying to sleep with that in your head, is not easy.. And doesn't help when you already have strange dreams..
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face the fox
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angel_bob
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2010 2 September :: 1.16am
HOW IS IT SEPTEMBER ALREADY
This freakout brought to you by wedding stress. For when you really want to stay up all night worrying about shit you could not care less about, there's wedding stress!
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face the fox
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m&ms487
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2010 21 August :: 11.10pm
:: Mood: calm
It's the end of the week, but only the beginning of the end. This is the Saturday before I start my last semester as an undergraduate college student. This was also the first week that I have been on educational leave from The Company since my freshman year of college.
I spent the entire week devoted to volunteering at CMU's band camp: meal set up, instrument sorting, wind suit dissemination, water cooler wrangling, to name a few of the tasks. Tonight, I and several of my Brothers went to see Jeff Daniels perform a concert in the streets of downtown Mt. Pleasant as volunteers for the Red Cross. They were raising money specifically for their infant pantry and I was able to collect the largest single donation: a $100 check.
Standing in the middle of the barricaded road with my Red Cross Volunteer Vest made me think about what I am doing. I intend to apply for a joint PhD program in English and Women's Studies at the University of Michigan this fall (for fall 2011 admittance). I want this degree because I think it will allow me to have a job in the eventual downfall of the University English Department; but the real reason I want it is so that I can understand. I want to KNOW. I want to examine those socio-economic hetero-patriarchal hegemonic power structures so that I KNOW how to turn them in on themselves. I want to expose them and say "AHA! I've got you now!" I want to understand why things happen the way they do so that I can make others understand. I want them to be empowered so they have a chance to make a choice for themselves; to be able to have some semblance of freedom (I know there are several hundred theorists which would, at this point, as if freedom is even possible; Janis Joplin would tell me it happens when there's nothing left to lose).
But, at this point in time, an academic has just so much hold. There is so much to do and not every woman (or man that cares about these power structures-yes, men can be feminists, too) is going to be going through a university class which others like me will teach. What to do? Why aren't there more of us helping organizations like the infant's pantry? Why didn't I know that the Women's Shelter probably needed volunteers? That's how I can start to make a difference.
I was thinking this as I stood there under the street light as the sun began to go down and about one hundred people crowded around the small stage to meet Jeff Daniels. I stood there, holding my donation bucket, smiling as everyone walked past me, guiltily looking away because they did not want or could not afford a donation. I didn't donate any money simply because I don't have any to give; but I have my time. I gave my time and my thoughts and stood there, smiling, hoping that at least each person walking by thought about what it might be like to be a woman or a man going into that pantry, how he or she got there, and why.
Why?
face the fox
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phil-himself
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2010 20 August :: 9.13pm
Workin for the Man
New Exchange Administrator right here
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face the fox
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phil-himself
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2010 3 August :: 7.25am
Power Slave (iron Maiden)
Tell me why I had to be a Powerslave
I don't wanna die, I'm a God,
Why can't I live on?
When the Life Giver dies,
All around is laid waste,
And in my last hour,
I'm a Slave to the Power of Death.
face the fox
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fishyrere
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2010 2 August :: 11.39am
I'm getting married in 5 days.
:)
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face the fox
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rayray
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2010 18 July :: 10.15am
Only roughly 111 more days..
face the fox
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phil-himself
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2010 18 July :: 2.11am
gettin drunk and yellin at my dog, classic
4 slinked away |
face the fox
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m&ms487
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2010 16 July :: 12.33am
I went to the Roethke House tonight in Saginaw with my graduate literary criticism class. I was so sad to see the state that one of Michigan's best poet's house is in. The Friends of Theordore Roethke (a non-profit) have tried to refurbish and renovate it, but he's not as well known as he should be and the money just isn't there...yet. I'm trying to get some of my Kappa Kappa Psi Brothers together to do a day renovation. It looks like it's a favorable idea. I hope that it helps!
face the fox
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angel_bob
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2010 8 July :: 2.12am
This is where I just keep talking and you guys can leave at any time
I have sunburn for the second time in my life and it sucks even worse than the first time as I am not 10 years old and have to work. At least I only have sunburn on my back, shoulders and knees unlike poor Nick whose face is red and peeling. I learned long ago that the first place I put sunscreen on is my face, especially on my nose and ears.
I've been sick for about a week now, just congested and gross and haven't been able to taste food for that entire terrible week. I was starting to think I wouldn't be able to ever taste food again (I had nightmares about tasteless Popeye's chicken and I cried a little) so I went into the bathroom with half a box of Puffs and emerged victorious! I then ate some ham dip and Pita House for lunch.
Speaking of Puffs, how great is it to be a company that has become a household name. I almost typed Kleenex before realizing I bought Puffs (because the only Kleenex at Meijer were the ones with lotion which gross me out and don't have nice, pretty boxes (Great selling point, companies! You've got me down pat. I take these to work and I want to look stylish while I wipe my nose every five minutes.)) and I was thinking about proprietary eponyms. Kleenex, Jello, Google, Vaseline, Q-Tips, Frisbee, Band-Aid, Velcro, Thermos...even Hi-Lighter. It's very interesting how our language has absorbed brand names as actual words. Maybe I'm just watching too much Mad Men.
I took a break from wedding planning for a week or two because I was having dreams about it and stressing out. Now I'm just more overwhelmed because apparently invitations are to be sent out 8 weeks before the wedding (which is the last weekend in August and OMFG IT IS JULY ALREADY WTF YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN TIME KTHX) and I keep having to explain to people (at work) that yes, I'm getting married, no he hasn't proposed. After 6 years, we knew we were going to do this, I don't need some hard consolidated mineral matter (thanks, princeton.edu!) on my finger to know that it's happening. Also, Nick lost his job which means we will soon need a cheaper and less awesome place to live which makes me sad but means more wedding money which we seriously need because my parents have said in the past that they aren't paying for it because they paid for their wedding so I can pay for mine. Although my mom did offer to help out after I called to tell her Nick lost his job. And I might need that help after seeing the price of these places. And my mom is the best dealfinder to ever hit deals.
Have you ever planned a wedding by the way? I don't know why in the world people want to stretch these things out over 6 months or even over a year! I'm stressed out already and I only have to deal with this for 4 months. I talked to Nick about it and he got me to calm down and figure out priorities which immediately made me want to throw up but I'm getting things done, kids (while throwing up)! I'm not actually calling anyone (because it's 2am and I talk to people on the phone all day at work why would I want to do it for leisure) but I've sent out emails and I have a few days off next week so hopefully I can get the hardest parts (ceremony and reception location) out of the way so I can think about food and food. And Nick was completely useless but now that he has time he is very useful.
Okay, this is getting long and I want to go watch another episode of Mad Men before I hop in my oatmeal bath so I'll stop now.
I love you all.
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face the fox
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phil-himself
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2010 6 July :: 10.00pm
Kinda want a mullet mobile, don't have money for it right now.
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face the fox
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skife
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2010 6 July :: 2.02pm
things are more different than they have ever been before, i'm scared out of my mind.
1 slinked away |
face the fox
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m&ms487
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2010 1 July :: 3.19pm
Today is the second day of my graduate class. I really like this class and I am one of four undergraduates, the others are teachers and a graduate students in creative writing.
I'm role playing Longinus tonight and I am prepared and ready to go! He is all about the sublimity of poetry and literature.
Working out is going great and I feel like a totally different person!
face the fox
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m&ms487
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2010 25 June :: 9.24am
:: Mood: mellow
Summer Session one is done! I earned an A in biology 240 and it put my gpa up .01 to 3.77. Whateve. I start English 535 in a week and a half, but the prof already has us started with stuff. I have three days off next week and I'm sure that I'll be in the library for a while.
It's so weird to think that one year from now I could possibly be somewhere other than Michigan training for Teach for America, or I could be entering my second semester as a graduate student. Weird. Weird.
It's nice having some semblence of a day off. I don't work until six tonight, so I'm going to get up, eat, do some tae bo, bake some cookies, and just hang out with Rueben until I have to leave.
I think it might be summer now.
face the fox
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angel_bob
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2010 24 June :: 2.05pm
Nick lost his job.
They eliminated the entire department.
Talked to him, he said the wedding is still on. He actually said "Why wouldn't it still be on?"
He says we'll be okay. He gets severance and we'll be fine as long as we move out of our awesome expensive apartment.
Just crazy timing.
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face the fox
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angel_bob
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2010 19 June :: 2.46am
Nick and I set a date.
October 23, 2010.
No, he didn't propose yet. Yes, I'm crazy. Yes, I'm planning it already.
I just figured that if I'm going to get married by the end of the year, I should start planning. I made him set a date without formally proposing since I already know we're going to get married (and have known for years). Talking to my mom (she was naming places and planning and talking about dropping her dress off and food and who to invite...it was awesome), really kick-started the process.
I also realized time is flying by and it's almost July. Like I said, if I want to get this done this year, I should start planning now.
I'm not counting myself as engaged until the ring is on the finger but this is official, kids. I'm not joking.
I'm more excited about this than I think I will be about the proposal.
I love you all.
P.S. I wanted to get married earlier but Nick and I already have the days off of work for October (and we won't have the money by August or September) so I figured why not do it then. I hate that being an adult means planning our wedding around when we can get time off but it's better than never doing it!
P.P.S. I wanted October 10 because then it would be 10-10-10 and Nick would remember it easily. Also 101010 in binary? 42. Perfect. But Nick said he's not planning our wedding on a day "because it looks good in binary" and he sent me this:
public static main()
{
If (you == "robot")
{
Console.WriteLine("OMG!");
}
else
{
Console.WriteLine("Are you sure?);
}
}
P.P.P.S. I don't think Nick's mentioned it to his family yet. I kind of don't want to yet because his older sister just got engaged and I don't want to ruin her moment. Everyone should have a moment that is all about them. Like birthday week. I just told people at work because I was excited.
P.P.P.P.S. Nick's grandfather is doing okay. Thanks, everyone. They ended up not giving him bypass surgery and just putting stints in because they don't think he could handle bypass. However, they give him a good 3-5 years as he is so yay for mediocre health!
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face the fox
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skife
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2010 18 June :: 10.57am
i actually like getting up these days.
i get up, get around, go to work, enjoy what i do. i get to hang out with cool people at work, i have an awesome girlfriend. great friends.
this is my bfffy's birthweek so we get to celeberate. fuck yes!
i'm going to buy a motorcycle soon and sell the chevy, its a 60 mile round trip drive to work, gas is expensive in a jeep that only gets 16mpg
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face the fox
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chelthesmell
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2010 16 June :: 10.00am
14 hours! =)
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face the fox
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m&ms487
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2010 15 June :: 9.37am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Train- "If It's Love"
I finally finished the first draft of my writing sample for graduate school. It's titled _Sister, Where Art Thou?_ and is a combination of feminist criticism, feminist theory, and historical christian texts. Basically, it investigates the question of why there are so few women writers and why, when women writers do first prominently appear in literary circles in the nineteenth century, they were faced with the fracturing of their "womanly" personality and their "authorial" personality. The great thing about it is that I'm sure I can expand on it and perhaps it might be a direction for my eventual thesis.
I purchased a tae-bo dvd yesterday with the intention of attempting it this morning. I've managed to stay at the same weight since my surgery and even bought a new bathing suit yesterday-a size 12. It's definitely odd to eat, be full, and not feel like I'm going to puke. I find myself being a lot less crazy about food and it's definitely a MUCH healthier relationship. I eat what I want, when I want-but I don't eat if I'm not hungry, and I still can't eat that much because of my stomach size. I'm okay with that, though. I can eat a hotdog (with bun) or almost all of fajita size taco in one sitting. It's wonderful!
I'm editing a novel for pay this week. It's going well, and is probably something I would consider doing freelance during graduate school if I can find the work.
A Year Passes
Beyond the porcelain fence of the pleasure garden,
I hear the frogs in the blue-green ricefields;
But the sword-shaped moon
Has cut my heart in two.
-Amy Lowell, March 1917
face the fox
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phil-himself
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2010 12 June :: 3.42am
Who you are can be better.
face the fox
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angel_bob
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2010 7 June :: 1.24am
Nick's grandfather had a heart attack on Saturday and had a smaller one (without knowing it) earlier last week.
He's in the ICU with very low blood pressure and a very low pulse. He was going to have surgery tomorrow but his blood pressure is still very low and the blood thinners haven't left his system yet.
He's in the hospital up in Cadillac. As long as the surgery goes well, we will be visiting him later this week. Luckily, Nick and I both have some days off already scheduled (for our anniversary but whatever, family is first).
Happy thoughts would be welcome.
Love you kids.
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face the fox
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angel_bob
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2010 31 May :: 2.56am
Nick and I are moving to the Seattle area (Redmond or Bellevue, probably) next year.
This is as long as he finishes what he's doing at CC and gets accepted to the school he wants to go to out there. Both of which are very likely and probably most definitely will happen.
So, I'm already pretty nervous/excited about this. Moving out west means higher rent, higher gas prices, higher everything but it's what we've wanted to do for a long time and now we have the chance to do it. Plus it means maybe a scooter for me which ohmanissoexcitingkidsiamsoexcited.
Things I am currently nervous about:
The actual moving process
Moving our 2 cats
Finding a job
Finding a place to live
Any tips on cross-country or long distance moving between now and July 2011 would be appreciated. I have moved states before but only when I was too young to help out or know the logistics of the whole process. And it was never more than 6 hours away. Also, any Seattle advice would be welcomed with open arms.
I love you all.
P.S. This move means we definitely will get married this year. Exclamation point.
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