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This Is My True Freedom

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rina

:: 2006 8 June :: 1.55am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: gavottes i & ii - hagi, feat. furukawa nobuo

and the seasons went rolling into summer
i feel like there's this endless amount of hours i keep filling up with nothing. i'm already sick of the summer work for next year and i'm aching to get out of this place.

a few days ago i had this incredibly vivid dream where one of my bottom teeth cracked and fell apart. i put the pieces in my hand and was distressed about it. when i went to show my mother my misfortune, she replied that there wasn't really anything she could do about it, and that i should've gone to the dentist straight away.

i was clearly upset with her reasoning and began arguing over ridiculous things, most of them i have a hard time remembering.
it was really frustrating, the entire dream, and when i woke up i was left with this kind of festering anger, like when you fight with someone right before you go to sleep.

except in the middle of the day, after i woke up, i was eating cereal and realized that i did in fact have all of my teeth.
the thought of missing my tooth just carried over into my actual life and i just kind of.. accepted it.

i'm having a hard time sleeping, again, which is entirely aggravating since i'm not under huge amounts of stress at all. i wake up, read a bit, do some photoshop, and clean up around the house.


also, congratulations planet! you survived 6-6-06.
i didn't think anything would happen, but apparently a lot of people thought satan was going to eat their children.
good lord.

1 day[s] remain | the end is here


alastar

:: 2006 7 June :: 11.30pm

Prader-Willi Syndrome

The trail of blood followed you like a shadow.
Inescapable.

I picked up your scent.
Perfume mixed with sweat.
Indescribable.

It tempted me to follow you. I was coaxed by the crimson trail and the smell that twisted through the trees. Leaves crunched and twigs snapped beneath your feet and all the while I was asking, praying, begging for something to rip apart. Something to feed upon.


Give me something to devour.

______________________________

When I'm ready, it will come.

the end is here


cowboy67

:: 2006 6 June :: 12.54am

vicarious

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Read more..

3 day[s] remain | the end is here


rina

:: 2006 21 May :: 10.47am
:: Mood: content

so,
yesterday was one of the best birthdays that i have ever had.

2 day[s] remain | the end is here


cowboy67

:: 2006 16 May :: 8.27pm

rant.

2 day[s] remain | the end is here


cowboy67

:: 2006 15 May :: 6.09pm

don't ignore this like all my other links

1 day[s] remain | the end is here


rina

:: 2006 14 May :: 10.27pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: dawn - p&p

h-h-h-heartattack!
i don't think i will ever be content with what i do.
i was painting today,
and i was cursing my hands.
everytime i create something, i have this innate ability to make myself think its absolutely hideous.
ie: my latest painting. (this is a much larger version.)
i think its, well,
awful. on many kinds of levels.
its 9x12 and oil. and hideous.

the only thing i like doing anymore is writing, and i'm not even good at it.

5 day[s] remain | the end is here


rina

:: 2006 10 May :: 11.03pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: your hands are cold - p&p

tissue decay
look alive.
heavy breathing and swollen eyes.
[this is your life]
past regrets,
symantics.
somethinganythingeverything
your heart is dying.
can't you tell?
slowing pumps, restless beats,
tear streaks.
its the end of days,
of hours and seconds, melted and twined
blind;
your heart is dying, can't you tell?

2 day[s] remain | the end is here


cowboy67

:: 2006 10 May :: 8.43pm

big fucking deal, bolivia nationalized its gas. but does corporate yahoo news pay attention to the fact that president morales also stated that he had NO QUALMS about doing business with international corporations as long as they respect bolivian law? OH NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! american corporations don't understand what law is! why are the south americans being so mean to them?

yeah, morales is part of a "regime" just like hussein and ahmadinejad. let's add bolivia to the list of countries involved in the axis of evil. yahoo cries because (*gasp*) bolivian soldiers are guarding the country's natural gas reserves. why would they do that?! when the US-UK coalition invaded iraq, they allowed looting, destruction, and violence to rage without any interference (which resulted in the loss of precious ancient artifacts from museums in baghdad, the stripping of important infrastructure, and the loss of human lives and livelihood). despite this lax attitude toward civilian problems, US soldiers were much more adept in protecting financial assets. american soldiers surrounded the iraqi oil fields, guns in hand. but what am i thinking, comparing the two situations? americans are white, capitalist, and civilized -- it's their right and duty to do such things. silly me.

the end is here


cowboy67

:: 2006 8 May :: 4.59pm

can you think of 2 reasons why this is attractive?

1 day[s] remain | the end is here


cowboy67

:: 2006 4 May :: 1.04am

one of those gmail links
uh, what the hell?

the end is here


rina

:: 2006 3 May :: 8.06pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: rue des cascades - yann tiersen

distraction is our middle name
abstraction;
loose philosophies,
archaic prophecies,
another way to dig (hide) ourselves deeper.
isolated, insulated,
we're wishing for something keener
than what we can handle.
foreign tongues and ladder rungs,
endless theories on the making of the world and
we still can't figure each other out.

the end is here


rina

:: 2006 30 April :: 8.13pm
:: Mood: nauseated
:: Music: trouble sleeping - the perishers

i'm having trouble breathing
i cannot handle this.
i cannot handle this.
i cannot handle this.


i thought i could.
and now i'm left with stupid fucking pressure and stupid writings,
and i'm just so, so stupid.

the end is here


cowboy67

:: 2006 26 April :: 9.42am

hahaha crazy
i just did the math, and with the grades i already have in my abnormal psych class, i could get a 69.5% on my final exam and still end up with an overall 95% in the class. why am i even studying? it's insanity!

3 day[s] remain | the end is here


rina

:: 2006 25 April :: 7.52pm
:: Music: echo - the hush sound

prologue
this is your life. you have a decent family and a decent future.
you have a sister who hates you because you're a little bit smarter. a little bit better. you have a brother who looks up to you. you hate that he thinks he will ever be better than the world. you want to scream at him about how unfair life in general is.

you're not fat, and you're not thin. you think you might be healthy, if you just got enough sleep once in a while. you're nocturnal. you know its your own fault, and maybe if you didn't piss off the afternoons you wouldnt have to work so late.

you pass out when it becomes even remotely silent.
you hate your predictability.

when you eat you make good choices most of the time. when you don't eat you challenge yourself to see how long you can last. its never long enough, no matter how many times you try.

you don't like a whole lot of things, but when you find something that you have a chance of loving, you attach yourself to it until it stops breathing. you hate opinions.

you want to tell your best friend the deepest, darkest, most secret part of yourself, but you don't want their image of you to change that drastically. sometimes you think best friends are overrated anyway.

you have these distinctive habits, like little routines throughout your day, and whenever someone catches on, you wish they were never looking in the first place.

you don't imagine you will ever be great or dramatic or well-known. you continue to believe that your birth has not and will not affect the earth. your timeline is your own, and sometimes you hate hate hate it.

the way everyone has to be so controversial about everything makes you sick. opinions are opinions are opinions. everyone and their selfish, righteous selves will forever be arguing about anything interesting.
things, you think, are only interesting when they are debateable. you can't imagine someone fully believing the earth is the center of the galaxy anymore.

you knowingly sabotage yourself. you wish you could be a little more demanding and determined, but you continue with your life in a passive and indifferent state.

when you close your eyes you see impossible scenes. they are vivid and real and rich in detail. they are excessively morbid, and you wish you could paint well enough to get it out of you.

you hate catch-phrases. you use made-up catch-phrases. you hate them.

you have a passion for writing. you like having subjects and verbs collide and form pleasing structures. whenever you re-read anything, you wish you weren't so young or naive.

the end is here


cowboy67

:: 2006 20 April :: 12.30am

this is the best fucking video you will ever see
Read more..

4 day[s] remain | the end is here


rina

:: 2006 18 April :: 12.29am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: x & y - coldplay

you and me are floating on a tidal wave together
i have been having these incredibly vivid dreams.
they are so detailed and perfectly played out that i continually wake up believing whatever i dreamed of was absolutely without-a-doubt real.

and lately, they've been getting so bizarre,
twisted and strange,
and just this morning i dreamt that i woke up from a very realistic dream, looked at my alarm clock, and felt terrible because it was blinking a digital and red 12:38 pm at me.

a few seconds/minutes/hours later, i woke up thinking it was past noon.
except it was actually around ten o'clock in the morning.

i've decided that waking up from a dream, in a dream, and then actually waking up is terribly disconcerting.
i hope it doesnt happen again any time soon.

1 day[s] remain | the end is here


rina

:: 2006 12 April :: 1.35am
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: sanctuary - utada hikaru

battle scenes
she's lost her spark!, they say
as she puts on display
tired eyes from sleepless nights

she sees things backwards
twisted inversely, perhaps nervously
and slowly she admits she's ever-straining

waxing, waning, she's continually changing
gibbous to crescent, always past, never present
she's losing the fight, deciding it's right
to give up, give in; she'll never win.

2 day[s] remain | the end is here


rina

:: 2006 11 April :: 10.44pm
:: Mood: uncreative
:: Music: passion - utada hikaru

my heart's a battleground
oh you know what they say,
about how loose lips sink ships
well baby, this sail's set for south
and i'm not waiting for your breathless reply.

the end is here


cowboy67

:: 2006 9 April :: 12.40am

3 day[s] remain | the end is here

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