This Is My True Freedom

:: 2004 1 March :: 8.34pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Vehicles Shock Me - Ghost of the Robot

your blinding concerto brings me to my knees
ok. healthy obsession. day one. ilyssa wants to make bracelets.
im so happy. i have all the ghost of the robot songs :) now i have to burn 4 copies hahaahaha.

i started thinking today. i was in math looking at my purple worksheet. and.. the world didnt feel right. if you look at it, how society, economy, and.. technology just goes past us. how everything seems so important, but when you compare it to life itself, it looks pathetically lame. and i wondered if anything was after this. here. life. i mean, everyone talks about heaven and it being a residual fact of.. existence, and i know it is there. but i cant help feeling what i would actually feel if (here it comes again) society hadnt made it so important and planted into my brain so early on. and really. considering how huge we've figured out that the universe really is.. just earth being here seems like an awful big waste of space.

sigh...

that was my conflit for the day. but. hey. whatever. i would really just like to make it through one day at a time. especially since we have fcat tomorrow. i would like to shoot myself.

i also realized that i use 'wankers' and 'pansy' more than i thought i have been. it usually gives a nice sarcastic bite. but now? who knows. carrie says it is just james. damn his hotness, right carrie? hahaha.

8 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 29 February :: 10.17pm
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: Brand New

Part One: The Plan

I�ve watched too long and sat idly by. I can see the pain you hold inside your heart. But I cannot yet see a reason for you to stay the way you do. That is why I�ve created a way for you to escape, because it seems to me, now, that you have been trapped. Either by blackmail, fear, or something else, I can see you are trapped within this place where you reside.

He�s holding you too tight and all you can do to show it is hold him back just as tight.

I�ve devised a plan for your retrieval, an escape route for you to follow. I�ll help you along but the choice is yours, I�ve done the work, you take the chances.

I sit here and watch everyday as you drag yourself home, pushing the limits of speed marked on the signs, posted on the streets, which you follow like a path to your own demise. And as you open the door to your car. And as you get out and shut it. And as you open the door to your house. And as you walk in. And as it closes it behind you.

Sometimes he comes out to greet you, if you take a second too long, after pulling into the driveway. And you smile. But I see the pain, the fear in that smile every time it shows. I see the disgusted person, under the fa�ade you�ve created just to live with him. I can see you need to be rescued. And I am your white night in black armor. As to better hide me in the dead of the night, which is when I will strike.

I�ve written it all out. Read it a thousand times, and gone over it even more inside my head. I�ve dreamt about how great it could feel. Even better I presume, than the prince felt after rescuing the long haired princess from her cage, the room at the top, in the tallest tower. I�ve designed sets, and marked routes. I�ve said every word that could ever be said in the moments of your rescue, every word out of my mouth and every word out of yours. He will say nothing.

I have yet to set a date to this affair. Half because I don�t believe I will ever be able to go through with it and half because I want it to be at the most perfect moment, perfectly timed to the most precisely measured second.

But while I watch you open the door to your car at this exact moment, I decide in my mind, that it will happen tonight.

Ah, all the dreams I�ve had about you. Will finally come true if everything goes correctly tonight, and it will, how could it not, with the way I�ve devised this simple, yet genius plan. I only hope you�re as beautiful up close as you are from across the street, through the window, and yet again through binoculars, which are set on the most perfect of measures to the exact distance of your house just across the street.

How lucky you are that I am not to have any trees in my yard, for if I did, one could be placed in just the right spot as to obstruct my vision, not permanently, but from seeing your beauty as you take your first steps to, and then again from, your car each day.

I wait patiently for the night to come, for the sun to set, for the arms of the clock on my wall to move. And in doing this, thoughts of him come to mind.

How I loathe this man. I see how he treats you. And even from afar, I can see he tortures you. He beats you. He rapes you. You cannot escape him. That is not to say you yourself are completely helpless, but not as entirely agile as one should be in a case such as yours. Oh how I hate him beyond belief. I dare to say I hate this man more than anyone else in the world has hated anyone, or anything (I will not exclude the hate of non-living things, because I myself have used the word �hate� to describe how I feel about some rather disgusting inanimate objects). Maybe I should be as bold as to say I hate him more than all the hate in the world combined into one animistic feeling.

Yet I would like to question him, before I complete my actions tonight. I would like to ask him how he has been so lucky to find this woman before I was able to see her. I would like to request an answer for the words I should say, not entirely, but somewhat in this order, �How could you live with yourself after what day in and day out I am witness to you doing?� How could you go on?

And so the night falls, the sun sets, and the hands upon the clock that sits on my wall have moved to the numbers that mark the time of which I have set to come forth, show myself, and save you.

Yet you know nothing of me. But we shall have time to discuss these matters sometime later. At the moment I am busy, collecting the things I shall need, from their proper places, and putting them in their now more needed positions.

It�s a terrible thing, the way he has to leave us. But I see no other way for you to be completely happy in a life with me, if you know in the back of your mind that I did not fully carry out my duties as your faithful savior.

I walk through the hallway, of the house you will soon calls ours. I pull the mask over my face, and rub my hands over the shiny metallic barrel of the gun that shall soon free you from his wretched arms.

�I am the savior, you are the saved. We are the lovers, he is enslaved.�

:: 2004 28 February :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: sleepy

your silence chokes the doorway like cobwebs
i went to the symphony tonight. it was awesome. i forgot what it was like to be in an audience, instead of looking at one. there was a hot guy. woo. that makes it a double thumbs up :)

today was fba band contest. straight excellences on stage and a superior in sightreading.

lisa's friends = loud.
her chums are here. it is not particularly joyous on my part, of course. i kinda just wanna hit the sack.

hm. i seem to come up with all these different lyrical sentences (i guess thats what you'd call them). but they dont piece together. for example, my subject. i dont know where i got it from. i basically just looked at my door.

oh. bollocks. i might have to go to church tomorrow. id much rather stay and sleep in (;

Rina	:: 2004 26 February :: 10.51pm :: Mood: curious search the stars can you find me even if im lost? or will i have to search through the sea of fog? ever get that feeling when you dont exactly know if you're dreaming or not? 6 day[s] remain \| the end is here

10 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 26 February :: 10.32pm
:: Mood: Infatuated
:: Music: Something Corporate - Hurricane

I'm surprised I've made it this long.

Finally finishing I realized I wrote for no one

I wrap my heart, tightly around yours
And watch the love take its course
I breathe in your soul as you breathe in mine
I stay with you so we stay alive

I must have lost track of time
All the while with you in mind
I watched the setting sun and then
I guess I watched it rise again

I�ve been here so many times before
But I can�t help it that I still want more
You make me work so hard to touch you
But it�s always worth it when I finally do

I can feel my eloquence running thin
As I touch my lips to your soft skin
So I�ll just hold my voice tonight
As if I had a choice tonight

I slide my hand across your fingers
On my lips your taste still lingers
And I�m fine as you leave me behind
With all the things we�ve said tonight

Is it worth four days of writing?

2 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 26 February :: 8.08pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: You're So Last Summer - Taking Back Sunday

her eyes doth linger

today was blah.

i got a 50 on my math test.

yesterday i went to japocu after school. we watched monty python and the holy grail. i heart the black knight.

flute lessons = pain.

me, car, carrie, ilyssa and sydney have a healthy obsession.

6 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 24 February :: 7.25pm
:: Mood: happy! :)
:: Music: white flag - dido

i know i left too much mess and destruction to come back again

LMFAO woooooooooooow.

great weekend.
i went bowling with lindsay and andrea at galaxy lanes on friday night. :) we could only bowl one game though because there were a bunch of leagues. and oh man. andrea. it is called a strike!!! hahahaha dude. and she is the reigning champion of the altoids. 11 PEPPERMINT ALTOIDS IN HER MOUTH AT ONCE! that kicks your ass so bad you will be crying. anyways, that was way fun. too bad about her punk leaving her hahahahah! bowler's arthritis!

saturday. movie night at lissa's!! we rented house of the dead, dickie roberts, the visitors, and sleepy hollow. we watched dickie roberts first. chelsea and sydney were laughing the entire time!!!! man that is great. we ate candy and we each had a glowstick around our neck. mine was pinkish-purple. wooot :D

sunday. church and then amanda's birthday. there were like 6 of us and we went to the movies to see lotr 3. man, me and car were in the back and we were yelling!! you know when those ghost soldiers come out of the ships and start attacking? we were like 'WHAT NOW, BITCH?!!'
it was grand.

monday wasnt too bad. i think ms freis likes to give out homework that is literally impossible to do. seriously. it is impossible. its not you say? well then, why do you tell me how the evolution of african and floridian land over time could affect the theories of darwin, lamarck, and that one guy about disneyland's animal kingdom.
yea.

today. i felt like crap this morning. so i stayed home. but then i felt better mid-afternoon. woot. it felt like i was getting away with playing hookie!! hahaha.
GQ SKIP DAY! wooooo andrea.
tomorrow i have two quizzes.
bugger.

well, i guess i should brush up on animal kingdom. (why the hell am i in that damn class anyways???!) oh well.
nevermind. i have to go do dishes instead.
ta :)

1 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 24 February :: 2.13pm

euripides
your very silence shows you agree.

3 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 23 February :: 1.52pm

cerasus

4 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 21 February :: 5.17pm

Not many things take longer than the healing of a broken heart

I can hear the words you don�t say
And I can�t take them anymore
And I can see why you feel that way
Because I�ve been there before

Chorus
And I still see you in my dreams
While I gaze upon the stars
Every time I fall asleep
You�re there with open arms

I know why you left that day
I�ve felt that way before
I can see the pain in your face
From the pictures on the floor

Chorus
And I still see you in my dreams
While I gaze upon the stars
Every time I fall asleep
You�re there with open arms

You are the center of my every illusion
The beauty of every daydream
You are the reason for my confusion
And the reason I fall asleep

Chorus
And I still see you in my dreams
While I gaze upon the stars
Every time I fall asleep
You�re there with open arms

3 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 20 February :: 3.07pm

february 20, 1967
kurt cobain would have been 37 today. i hope you're doing alright, buddy.

4 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 18 February :: 7.43pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: the penis song! hahahaha ana!

size doesnt matter..
today was ok
it was fun first and second. but thats about it. didnt get to talk much in seventh :(

lisa bit my fucking head off in the car on the way home.
and since she was yelling at mom on the phone, she came home early and took MY tv priveleges away.
AHHHHH.
that is not fair. to the max.

i need to go draw a duck now. *sigh*

but hey.. things rock. i get sleepy hollow in exchange for the very song im listening to! and that is awesome. because.. everyone needs to hear this song and piss themselves laughing.

2 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 18 February :: 6.06pm

These lips won't crack for anyone else but you

Right now, I�m not in the mood for laughs
And I�ve seen more than anyone has
But I�ve never seen anything I�d choose,
Over just one glance at you

[chorus]
I could never leave without a kiss goodbye
And I�d gladly take another
Played off as a kiss goodnight

Right now, I don�t feel like laughing
I sit here and watch the time passing
And I would never take the chance to lose
Even just one chance with you

[chorus]
I could never leave without a kiss goodbye
And I�d gladly take another
Played off as a kiss goodnight

Right now, I can�t bring myself to smile
We lost track after awhile
And I just can�t bring myself to,
Think about anyone else than you

[chorus]
I could never leave without a kiss goodbye
And I�d gladly take another
Played off as a kiss goodnight

:: 2004 17 February :: 10.33pm

Something that I was going to put in those lyrics, but it seemed like it didn't fit:

i could never leave without a kiss goodbye
you know this as well as i
and i'd gladly take another
played off as a kiss goodnight

5 day[s] remain | the end is here

:: 2004 17 February :: 10.15pm

ex adverso litterate
if you have legs, why use the elevator?

:: 2004 17 February :: 7.05pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Happy Holidays, You Bastard - Blink 182

Its labor day and my grandpa just ate seven fucking hotdogs..
God, i love this song. its so hilarious.

alot has gone on since my last update.
i had a killer sleepover. it was so much fun! and then we went to see 50 first dates. that movie is really good. but you leave the theatre with this really akward feeling because you didnt think it would end that way. hmmm

well school was ok
mentally, i went through a whole week
in a single day
oh, go me, go me
first period was monday. yea, shut up i know its tuesday. third period was like wednesday.
i had no feeling what-so-ever fifth period (well obviously, its biology.) oh! but we had a sub. and did fcat work. *dies*
anyways, i swear to god it felt exactly like a friday in sixth period. ahhhh.
seventh period. ah, this is when the magic happened. you see, reality tried to hit me upside the head, but it must have missed or something. because ever since then it has felt like wednesday.
i feel like if i turn on the tv in 20 minutes i will be watching the oc.
that is way not cool. this is going to be the longest week of my life.
but its ok. because i get sleepy hollow in exchange for the penis cd. well, its just one penis song but the other songs are really funny too.
woot go ana :)
got out to the parking lot after school. i closed the door and vroooooommm we were OUTTA THERE! mad traffic on the way home though. old people need to be shot. and tourists should just.. go to hell or something because they are really starting to piss me off. i mean, majorly piss me off.

jesus. what is wrong with me?

:: 2004 17 February :: 5.53pm
:: Mood: Infatuated
:: Music: Brand New - Deja Entendu

I'd take another if I didn't already know there was poison in this one.

Sadness doesn�t fit your mood
I can�t stand to see you lose
So I�ll do anything possible,
To take it away from you

So take me with you, next time you leave
I�ll be everything you need

Please excuse my failure with these words
I never meant to make you hurt
And I�m truly sorry,
I never meant to make things worse

So take me with you, next time you leave
I�ll be everything you need

I�ve never taken this many steps
Toward something I know I�ll regret
And if I ever do
I'll make sure that I forget

So take me with you, next time you leave
I�ll be everything you need

:: 2004 16 February :: 12.58pm

do not attempt to grow anything that even slightly resembles a heart, for you will be weak - and we wouldn't want that.