godessalthena
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2018 25 July :: 9.28pm
heavy sigh
I don't think I will ever be happy with what I have
and I will never feel good enough
Play with Me
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godessalthena
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2018 21 July :: 7.32pm
at his show bill burr said that he wasted so much time in his 20s & 30s worrying and being depressed about things that ultimately didn't matter. at the end of your life, everything either happened or it didn't.
and it doesn't really matter. so why worry?
why do I waste my time worrying about everyone else and everything people expect of me. I honestly don't even know what I expect of myself. I don't know what I want it of life, I guess I have goals, but if something changes and I have to change those goals it's not the end of the world.
I am like a river, full of endless cold rushing depths. I try to keep flowing forward, but sometimes a rock will look familiar, a tree will remind me of you, I get stuck in a moment and I can't get out of it.
I still can't get over the absurdity of conciousness and the human race. of even "being". to be and to contemplate my existence. to feel like a rider in a mechanical fleshy gollum. going through the motions, being an observer in those quiet moments no one ever knows.
I'm still lonely. a permanent companion.
Play with Me
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godessalthena
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2018 21 July :: 7.27pm
you don't need a friend
boy, you're a man
Play with Me
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godessalthena
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2018 19 July :: 10.23pm
I frustrated myself to no end
I just can't find words
but I so desperately want to connect
I don't know what to say or how to say it and I feel like I'm drifting away
Play with Me
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godessalthena
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2018 19 July :: 8.49am
need the secret to mind reading
Play with Me
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godessalthena
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2018 18 July :: 10.22pm
everything feels so empty
I put on a smile and crack a joke to calm those around me
going through the motions fake it til you make it
i want to be spoiled
Play with Me
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godessalthena
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2018 15 July :: 10.39am
I don't want to live because the pain in my heart often feels too much to bear
but I also kinda am looking forward to the grown up things
but I also have a very strong feeling I'm too sad inside to be a good mother. that this pain will make me terrible yo my kids and make them resent me in the future, or come out damaged like me. and how could I protect them from what happened to me?
there isn't a way. but if that happened to them? how could I ever forgive myself?
Play with Me
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godessalthena
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2018 14 July :: 12.01am
the loneliness it's rather soul crushing
and it isn't for a lack of people who would listen
I just have no words to express my thoughts or feelings
I just want to fade into nothingness until all there is of me is a bitter memory... I feel so small and utterly insignificant because I am.
and so alone inside like I was made missing something I can never have.
Play with Me
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godessalthena
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2018 12 July :: 7.35am
I know you won't ever admit it, but I know it's the booze.
seeing bill Burr this weekend with my bestie in Seattle as her day gift.
my cars timing cover is jacked, $700+ repair after the $1,000 I put into it since my bday. it's only a 2012 :( I should have done more research. apparently this cover issue could have caused all the other shit that broke so thankfully CarMax is doing these repairs for free!
also the lady who sold me my car did the warranty wrong so I got a bonus 25,000 miles on my warranty! hellaaaaaa
hopefully this is the last thing went with it for a while. I got this car to be more reliable than my last and now I've spent more money on this 2012 than my 1996 Nissan or my 1992 Mercury.
next car I get I want it to be an ultra smooth ride with no inside sound with as sun roof. it's going to have being inside and underneath. it'll be some time of El Camino or maybe just an Ute.
keep dreaming dreamers
Play with Me
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godessalthena
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2018 9 July :: 10.58pm
my boss complimented my better attitude today
but said she wasn't sure if it was sincere and it's like what does it even matter I'm smiling I'm cracking jokes people are happy that's what you want so let's just don't worry about the deeper parts
everything that could have gone wrong cooking tonight did but it still turned into wonderful
Play with Me
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