So I'm spoiled & I'm rotten in a sinister way

:: 2015 23 December :: 4.38pm

~~fuck~~smoke the pain away

:: 2015 19 December :: 6.49pm

going out with Zoe to boomers for the first time in forever. I'm excited but also anxious. I feel something ominous in the air. I hope I'm just being a weirdo.

I need to be more honest with myself. analyze less, think more.. if that makes sense.

I wonder if I'll ever feel free again.

:: 2015 17 December :: 8.50pm

what's it feel like to be a ghost?

louder, now, louder now?

:: 2015 16 December :: 7.58pm

if I could have my way.. oh what things may come.

:: 2015 6 December :: 12.29am

a very dear friend's best friend committed herself to the great below today..

she's taking it in stride (I think?) but my heart hurts for what she must be feeling inside. that girls life is seriously a shit storm and yet still manages to stay positive and avoid cynicism. I admire her greatly. I wish she didn't live so far away.

it's so mysterious.. the land of tears.

:: 2015 5 December :: 7.31am

I forgot how beautiful the sunrise is..

:: 2015 3 December :: 9.48pm

I spend my free time reading the craigslist missed connections. I do it with my demon. he sits next to me and tells me, "you'll be alone forever, no one will ever want such a damaged and cynical fat bitch like you." and as the romantic comedy plays in the background I can hear him laugh at the absurdity.

"love doesn't exist. not for people like you." it's hard to ignore him. it's hard to stay positive and optimistic, when all around me relationships crash and burn. you never really know who you can trust. humans lie, cheat, steal and back stab. we kill each other and hate each other arbitrarily, we hate whole groups of people for imaginary bullshit reasons.

there have been more mass shootings so far this year than days in this country. my aunts both have cancer. I have no future.

i miss sex. I miss enjoying food. I miss sleep.

:: 2015 3 December :: 9.27pm

If we knew each other's secrets, what comforts we should find.
- John Churton Collins

That though the radiance which was once so bright be now forever taken from my sight. Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, glory in the flower. We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind.

- William Wordsworth

Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.

- Robert Louis Stevenson

in what lies our power to do, also lies our power not to do

- Aristotle

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.
- Orson Welles

rarely do members of the same family grow up under the same roof

It takes a lot of time to be a genius, you have to sit around so much doing nothing, really doing nothing.

- Gertrude Stein

Nothing is more dangerous than an idea when it's the only one you have.

- Emile Chartier

We open our mouths and out flow words whose ancestries we do not even know. We are walking lexicons. In a single sentence of idle chatter we preserve Latin, Anglo-Saxon, Norse: we carry a museum inside our heads, each day we commemorate peoples of whom we have never heard.

- Penelope Lively

We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility. It's easy to say "It's not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem." Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people my heroes.

- Fred Rogers

believe nothing that you hear, and only half of what you see

those who see present events as part of an unfolding narrative that relates past to present to future have an advantage over those who see events only as snapshots in time

- Derek Abell

No two persons ever read the same book.

- Edmund Wilson

Neither genius, fame, nor love show the greatness of the soul. Only kindness can do that.

- Jean Baptiste Henri Lacordaire

How simple life becomes when things like mirrors are forgotten.

- Daphne du Maurier,

In the presence of eternity, the mountains are as transient as the clouds.

- Robert Green Ingersoll

The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.

- Ogden Nash

:: 2015 2 December :: 4.26pm

nothing tastes good and my tummy always feels like shit.

:: 2015 23 November :: 11.41am

day number 6 with out power.

it's supposed to snow tonight.

thanksgiving had been cancelled.

I just want to enjoy sleeping in my bed again.

:: 2015 12 November :: 7.02pm

to build a fire

by jack London

read it

:: 2015 11 November :: 2.17pm

dear sex,

I love you, but you have gotten me nowhere and given me nothing.

that being said, I am swearing off of you until i meet someone who wants more than my mouth around their gentialia.

sincerely,
FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT

:: 2015 4 November :: 5.59pm

some days are really fucking black. the darkest of skies, the loudest screams in the wind. i can't escape from the sounds, a cacophony of insanity wraps itself deep into my inner ear. the birds have all left for winter, and soon the only sound will be of my feet on the ice and snow.

i found a dead bird at work a few weeks ago. it flew into the window. it couldn't decipher reflections from reality, and so it died. it was a little sparrow. not sure what kind, it's head was completely obliterated. i wanted to pick it up and bury it, but being at work and making a real effort to tune down my creepiness, i left him to nature's devices. the next day he was gone. I don't usually go out to that area, it was completely by chance that i should find him.

that sparrow caused memories to resurface. i was taken back to Seattle, where after some massive rain, i found a dead mouse outside of my dorm (which, incidentally, has been demolished and replaced with a newer facility. curse be on that infernal hell hole.), who i watched decay over a few weeks. we never had a ceremony like we talked about..

and then i think about all the years to come. all those days and nights, the heat and the rain, the pain and the joy... and it seems like such an eternity. people always say don't solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution. what if the problem isn't temporary, though? my life has been a series of painful attacks on my person, some involuntary, some voluntary, and always, i have "overcome" them. but now i only feel an emptiness. i see everything through a cynical lens. the past seems so surreal. i don't even recognize myself.

but who is amelia anyway. who the fuck is she? she has done so many terrible, unspeakable things. she's done many wonderful things. but she's never right and she's never happy. all the cookie cutter people in her life create doubt in herself - they have never really known what its like to be victimized. they brush off my past as though it didn't happen, and all that matters for me is today. i can't do that. if my life was vanilla, okay, sure, i could just forget it, because there'd be nothing to remember. but i've lived more than the 27 years i am, and my experiences have colored the world in a dark light. the glass is stained from the soot of my burning psyche.

but some days are really good, and if i can distract myself enough, i can forget about the storms for a moment. i smoke a ridiculous amount of weed now. i feel a little terrible about it, maybe enough to quit it for a month.. after the holidays.. because i don't know how well i could handle them without it.

i think i am going to post some ads on craigslist looking for anyone who knows andrew. i need to know where he went. i need to know what kind of person he really was. i don't think i knew the andrew everyone else did. i am still stuck on him. almost a year later. i just need some closure.

i want to have the last word almost always. but this time, i need it. i need something. i am hoping maybe that will help me resolve some of these negative emotions, healing my ability to have a relationship someday.

i hate having such deep trust issues.

anyway. me and j got our nipples pierced together. samie was there, her boyfriend did the piercing. it was pretty radtastic and i think i am still riding that high. also: permanent high beams has been my dream since middle school.

DREAM ACHIEVED.

that's one mark on the "win" column.

:: 2015 29 October :: 6.20am

who the fuck am I

:: 2015 22 October :: 9.05am

dead men are the only ones to keep secrets.

not saying I'm starting my war path (just yet), but this is a critical moment in my life.

I have reached a precipice, I must decide to jump or stand my ground.

and I'm afraid of which one I might choose.

2 ooh* | no she didn't!

:: 2015 19 October :: 9.49pm

I am color blind
coffee black and egg white

:: 2015 16 October :: 6.49am

Digging my way out of debt feels good. So does having money in my savings account.

Now if only I could fucking sleep.

:: 2015 15 October :: 11.51pm

being in any type of committed relationship scares the absolute shit out of me

but I want to feel loved and wanted with every fiber of my being

I don't know if I can over come these feelings

I feel so powerless

:: 2015 13 October :: 12.42pm

I'm well acquainted with villains who live in my head
they beg me to write them so they'll never die when I'm dead

:: 2015 11 October :: 12.59pm

and they say
You can't wake up, this is not a dream,
You're part of a machine, you are not a human being,
With your face all made up, living on a screen,
Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline.

I think there's a flaw in my code...
these voices won't leave me alone....