godessalthena
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2015 2 July :: 11.10pm
I can't help but still feel like a child. I know nothing.
the other side is that I know enough to be tired.
I keep waiting for a surprise, the toy at the bottom of the box. but maybe there is no toy.
a desire to be seen, but unable to even see myself.
friends help me to grow into who I am.
at the same time they can crush my spirits and make me question my perceptions of myself.
but maybe I am a pussy. I'm a chicken shit who is afraid to speak my mind lest I make a fool of myself.
because what does any of this matter? I'm too unsure of anything to really take a strong position in things. I don't want to tell people how to live their lives anymore.
i am deliriously tired.
no she didn't!
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godessalthena
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2015 30 June :: 6.08pm
I get laid and the dark clouds lifted...
1 ooh* |
no she didn't!
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godessalthena
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2015 26 June :: 9.46am
I dreamt about being at samies cousins house, the meeting up with a man who was my uncle and we killed a bald eagle from the basement. then I was in this large entertainment hall? I'm not really sure what it was, but it was huge and busy. rika ran away and I went to find her and it took me to some slummy flats in some British neighborhood with a bunch of punks, then these drug enforcement officers came to save me, one was Tristan (a guy who shot me down like 3 years ago). he got shot in the head. I was reeeeally upset, I went to see if he was still alive and he was, with blood all over his face, his face was black, I could see the entry and exit wounds. but he didn't die. I stayed with him the whole time and he still didn't love me after. then all the punks turn into zombies and we had to mow them down with automatic weapons.
I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
no she didn't!
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godessalthena
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2015 25 June :: 10.02pm
what's so great about being in the "in" crowd if all they are are spiteful bitches?
when did being greatful for what you have become so "out"?
these people need a healthy dose of get the fuck over yourself and check into reality.
they make my skin crawl. I hope there aren't any more work parties that I feel obligated to attend.
why are people so shitty.. why are they so fake and two faced? they all say I'm "soooo sweet" but they won't even acknowledge I exist? fuck that.
I hate this world, and most of the people in it. I don't like where things are heading in several relationships, and the moments of truth are drawing close.
the future is murky, and I feel blind and defenseless moving forward.
I'm terrified and lonely. I wish I had someone. I'm so tired of feeling so alone.
no she didn't!
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godessalthena
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2015 23 June :: 9.55am
corpulent sub-human filth
no she didn't!
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godessalthena
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2015 22 June :: 9.29pm
I'm sorry to all the people I've hurt
I'm sorry for all the wrong choices I've made
all the chances I missed
all the beauty I've let go of, the dreams I left to die
I'm trying to make up for it, but for every inch I climb up, I slide another inch back down.
my past haunts me like a nightmare, my future hangs over me like an axe.
what does any of this mean? does any of it even matter?
it's just one sad joke with no punchline.
no she didn't!
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godessalthena
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2015 21 June :: 1.00pm
I do not own the choices of my friends.
no she didn't!
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godessalthena
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2015 20 June :: 1.04am
why would God make doing the right thing so hard? why wouldn't a kind and benevolent God making doing the right thing easy? he's more amazing than the devil, so why does the devil win so much?
it's like the war on drugs. fuck.
1 ooh* |
no she didn't!
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godessalthena
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2015 19 June :: 2.04pm
"there are many ways for a black woman to be beautiful. for a while woman, you just have to be skinny."
this sums up my life. fat = ugly to far too many shallow fucks.
no she didn't!
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godessalthena
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2015 18 June :: 3.08pm
does a complete package exist?
or should I just pick the one who treats me nice and is a truly good person?
decisions decisions
1 ooh* |
no she didn't!
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godessalthena
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2015 16 June :: 7.47pm
but let me tell you something baby, you love me for everything you hate me for
fuck double standards.
this world is unjust.
and all one can do is stand against it.
a tree in a maelstrom, we will fall before we bend to you.
no she didn't!
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godessalthena
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2015 13 June :: 6.44pm
sunbeams through the clouds
millions of gods highlighted against a cerulean sky
no she didn't!
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godessalthena
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2015 10 June :: 5.48pm
I've been so excited all day!! looking forward to band practice!!! ...in 90 degrees in a tiny garage...
and we are auditioning our second drummer!! he didn't flake a second time!!
I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. things are gonna get dirty.
no she didn't!
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godessalthena
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2015 9 June :: 7.14am
I ain't been takin no ones shit.
does that ever happen? someone hacks your computer and sends a mean ass message to someone in your writing style just to get you in trouble?
1 ooh* |
no she didn't!
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godessalthena
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2015 4 June :: 10.04pm
ugh I hurt so bad :(
I hate this constant pain.
I've went for walks the past three days, and am in excruciating pain. fml.
no she didn't!
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godessalthena
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2015 1 June :: 4.53pm
:: Mood: disappointed
today marks 5 years with Safeco/Liberty Mutual. to me, this is a huge milestone, and something to be celebrated, but i'm the only one who seems to really think it's a big deal.
other than school, this is the longest commitment i have made. the longest i have ever stayed at a job. its also the best job i've ever had, and they treat me incredibly well. they are an amazingly philanthropic organization and they have given me so many opportunities to become a positive force for change in my community.
time has really flown. these past five years were gone in the blink of an eye, which i think is incredible, since my past jobs it felt like an eternity working there for nine or so months.
i just want someone to take me out for a drink. hell i'll even buy my own.
or i'll just celebrate at home on my own. just like when i passed my licensing exam. this is it, the present, the future.
NO ONE GIVES A SHITE
3 ooh* |
no she didn't!
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godessalthena
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2015 29 May :: 8.25pm
a violent wind
an angry sky
calling out to those lost
an endless battle
lost in the memory of time
fallen soldiers fighting a bloody war
rivers of blood, the tides of battle churning
so few remember, even less care
no she didn't!
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godessalthena
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2015 29 May :: 12.46pm
sexting at work is my favorite pastime
no she didn't!
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godessalthena
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2015 28 May :: 7.05pm
self esteem is a fickle thing. one day you're on top of the world, and the next some careless tactless asshole destroys it. of course, self esteem should come primarily from within, but words hurt, and once said can't be unsaid.
over the past few several years i have had a chain of "relationships", all of which centered around sex and control. i have often felt frustrated that men would find me good enough to fuck, but not good enough to be seen in public with me. its something i never understood until recently.
and i suppose i've known it my whole life, since my whole life i've struggled with this spare tire around my waist. but i had also been under the illusion that people cared about more than our corporeal form, and could see how much i have to offer outside that. ultimately, shallowness prevails and my weight is much more of an issue than it really should be.
thus ensues the struggle that seems to define my life - lose weight and attempt to achieve our society's standard of beauty (and in that action, creating a sense of "selling out") or remain at the weight i am and feel as though i'm taking a stand against "body currency".
i realize, even though i despise body currency, i cannot help but buy into it. it's immersive, inescapable and a permanent piece of the culture in which i have been born. into which countless of women are born. and no matter how hot a woman is, how desirable she is, she still suffers harsh criticism and a constant barrage of "you'll never be good enough". Our economy runs on the constant need to be "better".
the worst part is i feel completely powerless to affect it. i am small. i am merely an insignificant speck laying on a mote of dust in an endless expanse, and yet, i'm still much too big to exist. i take up twice as much room as i should. and my mind? well, that's completely disposable.
so, let's just say "fuck it" and move on.. right?
no she didn't!
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godessalthena
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2015 27 May :: 6.09am
beer is not my friend.
no she didn't!
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