::
2005 26 March :: 10.36pm
:: Mood: high
:: Music: vnv nation-carbon
la vedro..
we are home now
out of our heads, out of our minds
out of this world, we're out of this time
are you drowning or waving?
i just want you to save me, should we try to get along?
just try to get along
we change by the speed of the choices that we make
and the barriers are all self-made
are you drowning or waving?
i just need you to save me...
::
2005 26 March :: 5.03pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: save a horse ride a cowboy x big and rich
life in general
i am begining to fall into a state of depression again.. usually for people they begin to sink into depression in the winter months.. but not that the spring is coming.. i feel that all the bad can melt away for everyone except myself nothing
.. like i go out with my friends and thats all fun and a good time.. but thats not leeding me to love and i think that now more than ever thats what i need right now.. i mean just watching how everyone else can so easily find it.. and me.. the more i tRy.. the more i feel muself getting PuShEd away from it, and i dont know why this is happening.. and i dont want it to happen.. but i just feel like it.. i wish just somebody wouldLOVEme .. and im rambeling on and on about this but i cant help it.. i dont like what this is doing to me.. i started this entry talking about winter and the forming of spring.. and it somehow turned out like this..
colors swirl in this world of black and white.. vibrant blues and oranges in the world thats all black and white..
"this could be love but my days are growing colder, as your love begins to fade. was there ever anything or was it all fake? did it tingle when we kissed, did it push futher when we teased? was it all a waste of time or for a worthy cause did i bleed? im getting somewhat sick of this, crying everynight. its getting a bit too routine, and im in need of light. i dont want to feel empty when i dont see you, i dont want to be gone a day and still start to miss you. i dont want to expect anything for you, expecting too much can break you down.. i want to smile and never frown. your sleeping now, and im lying awake. with a tear in my eye and cloth in my hand.. my soul you take.. this could be love, love for pain, this could be love, love for hate.. im losing my mind.. just slighting insane.. is the pleasure really wroth all the pain? this could be love.. you know.. this could be love.."
"the more i wait the harder i fall, id give it up, id give it all. for just one kiss, for a sunny day for things to always be this way. id die for you and bleed painful deaths just to touch you, id reach all depths. too much to handle all tonoght the pain and sorrow has shut off the light. im blind to pain, but its still there, ive veiled my eyes so i dont care. your words fall blankly on deaf ears, fore' i need to hear your love to feel.."
talking to people
my conversation with Tracii! lol
x 6 TRACii 9 x: o0o idk
xNikkiE 435x: o0o..? couldnt oyu just say ooo or ohh
xNikkiE 435x: lmao
x 6 TRACii 9 x: no becuase im cool
xNikkiE 435x: hehe
xNikkiE 435x: NO
x 6 TRACii 9 x: haha
x 6 TRACii 9 x: SLUT
xNikkiE 435x: hhahaha SKANK ASS BITCHHHHHH
x 6 TRACii 9 x: ok are you talking?
xNikkiE 435x: ok i think i am!
xNikkiE 435x: APARENTLY i am
x 6 TRACii 9 x: who are you?
x 6 TRACii 9 x: do i know you?
x 6 TRACii 9 x: have we met?
x 6 TRACii 9 x: stop talking to me
xNikkiE 435x: my name is Nicole julie Anne Allen Cole Hand willens
xNikkiE 435x: NAACHW for short
x 6 TRACii 9 x: or as i like to call u FAGGOT for short
xNikkiE 435x: CUNT
x 6 TRACii 9 x: bitch
xNikkiE 435x: i love you
x 6 TRACii 9 x: i love you too
xNikkiE 435x: aww thanks skank
and my conversation with Dave!!!
snowboarder08642: :-\
snowboarder08642: i alomsyt got caught today
xNikkiE 435x: doing??
snowboarder08642: my dad dropped me off at his house right
snowboarder08642: and i was gunna smoke
xNikkiE 435x: ahhh.. sooo what happpend
snowboarder08642: so i got my dads smoking thing from like the 70's
xNikkiE 435x: hahhahaha
xNikkiE 435x: andddd...
snowboarder08642: and i got my trees and i was bout to smoke but i dudnt have a lighter
snowboarder08642: then i was like hmm i need to take a shit
xNikkiE 435x: .. soooo..
xNikkiE 435x: hahaha
xNikkiE 435x: thats lovely
snowboarder08642: so i brought the dougout and the baggie and the lighter into the bathroom
snowboarder08642: then my dad walks in the door
xNikkiE 435x: when your taking a shit?
snowboarder08642: yeah but he comes into the house
snowboarder08642: he was suposed to be gone for like 4 hours
xNikkiE 435x: omg!
xNikkiE 435x: so what did you do?
snowboarder08642: so if i hadent been in the bathroom with all the shit he woulda caught me
xNikkiE 435x: hahahaha
snowboarder08642: i through the stuff under thie sink and went back later and got it
xNikkiE 435x: haha thats a GREAT story
snowboarder08642: when i was in thhe bathroom and he wasnt home i was cleaning out the pipe-like thing and there was weed on the floor
snowboarder08642: and i almost lefct without cleaning it up
xNikkiE 435x: jezzzzz.. what were you thinking?
snowboarder08642: i dunnio
snowboarder08642: lol
snowboarder08642: last night
snowboarder08642: i was so high it wasnt even funny
snowboarder08642: i was smoking for like an hour straight
xNikkiE 435x: who were you smoking with?
snowboarder08642: couple of friends and joe alborgini
snowboarder08642: if you know him
xNikkiE 435x: im not sure..
::
2005 19 March :: 9.13am
:: Mood: high
:: Music: Keane-Somewhere Only We Know
goodbye
I was never really able to translate my feelings into words.. All my life I've suppressed my feelings and protected myself from the world full of rejection.. Like my sign-- Cancer the crab.. a person who crawls inside their shell; I never let anyone get too close. My true self rarely ever exposed. Using drugs as a way of putting life on hold.. always caught up in my own twisted thoughts. No one really knows anyone.. you can't trust people, there's so much that every individual doesn't show.. Don't be scared of getting hurt. Don't ever hold back.
I've thought about it.. and I decided you only live once. The past does not predict the future.. Live everyday as if it were your last-- because someday..that will be the case. You need to have fun in your life, make memories you'll want to remember..don't sulk in just one situation. Trust your instincts and follow your heart ..never forget that.
::
2005 18 March :: 9.52am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: since you've been gone x kelly clarkson
:\
well.. yesterday i went to school.. and it was a half day..woohuu lol.. and then i wanted to go to framinham with TRACI but noone could drive us.. so i just went home and took a nap.. then.. at drivers ed the hot kidd who always talks to me wasnt there so i had a boring night.. except the fact that i talked to T-Dawg on my break, and in ther middle of class lol! ya so it guess it wasnt that bad..
well yesterday was sait patricks day.. and depressingly i didnt get drunk
ya so today im not in school again becasue i have a doctors appointment to see whats going on ..
im a bit nervous .. but i guess i'll be fine so thats all that matters.. i just hope i dont have to switch medicines.. becase this noe works so well..
i dont understand how i can just melt completely.. after all the shit.. i just dont even care i just.. need it.. i dont even care about the consequences i dont care what i really want i need this.. and idk what im gonna do cuz im so weak to it.. i love it.. ahh
::
2005 17 March :: 6.13am
:: Music: think about it - A.O.T. ft. ME!
so.. things have been pretty sucky.. i mean im getting closer to new friends but i feel like i barely see my other friends and i miss them.. i dont want to lose how things were before...
i recorded a song with cj matty and hakeem and i love it, it makes me so happy that people like it so many ppl have come up to me in the hallways like "I LOVE YOUR SONG" lol and im glad :-) a week until i leave for las vegas... damn im scared..
well its way early and im so tired ill write more later
Sometimes all I really want to feel is love
Sometimes I'm angry that I feel so angry
Sometimes my feelings get in the way
Of what I really feel I needed to say
If you stand in a circle
Then you'll all have a back to bite
Back logged voices on the 7 wonders
We're all so funny but he's lost his joke now
A communication from the one lined joke
A stand up comic and a rock musician
Making so much noise you don't know when to listen Why are you judging people so damn hard
You're taking your point of views a bit too far
I made my shoes shine with my coal
But my polish didn't shine the hole Think it over
There's the air of the height of the highrollers
Think it over
You aint got nothing till ya know her
hospitals suck..
well last night i went to the hospital.. till like 2 am, becasue i was having a reaction to my prozac.. well not really a reaction.. it just wouldnt let part of my brain fully function.. ya it was kinda scary becasue it was causing my right eye to go blury.. i gott maddd dizzy.. and i felt like there was fire flowing through my veins and it really sucked.. so now since i CANT go off my prozac i have to go to the neurologist to get onto ANOTHER medicine :/ .. thats fucking 3 medications.. this is rediiculous! i hate this shit.. now since we were there so late i cant go to school.. but im not tired because i guess im Over tired!