<marquee behavior=alternate>.:*Chubby*:.</marquee>

:: 2004 21 August :: 4.02am
:: Mood: same...
:: Music: Genie In a Bottle

x's are true, _'s are false
(_) I have never been drunk
(_) I never have smoked pot
(_) I never have kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) I never have kissed a member of the same sex
(x) I never crashed a friend's car
(x) I have never been to Japan
(x) I never ridden in a taxi
(_) I never have been in love
(_) I never have had sex
(_) I never have been dumped
(_) I never shoplifted
(x) I never have been fired
(_) I have never cut myself on purpose
(x) I never have been in a fist fight
(_) I never snuck out of my parent's house
(_) I never have been arrested
(_) I never made out with a stranger
(x) I never stole anything from my job
(x) I never celebrated New Year's in Time Square
(_) I never went on a blind date
(_) I never lied to a friend
(_) I never had a crush on a teacher
(x) I never celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans
(x) I never have been to Europe
(_) I never skipped school
(x) I never slept with a co-worker
(x) I never have thrown up in a bar
(x) I never have purposely set myself on fire
(x) I never have eaten sushi
(_) I never have been snowboarding
(_) I never have been happy with myself
(_) I never have met a movie star
(x) I never went to a prom
(x) I never bungee jumped
(x) I never have been to a pop concert
(x) I never have dated someone for over a year
(_) I never ate a mango
(x) I never killed anyone before ...or have i...
(x) I never went sailing
(_) I have never had a job
(_) I have never told someone how much they meant to me. (and paid the concequences)
(x) I never have gone sky diving
(x) I never ran outside and danced in the street naked.
(x) I have never had a lesbian/gay close friend.
(x) I have never watched C-SPAN for over an hour.
(x) I have never been out of the country
(x) I have never made out in a carwash.. sounds fun though
(x) I have never had cum come out of my nose during a blow job
(_) I have never gone night swimming with a hot person of the opposite sex
(_) I have never eaten peanut butter.
(x) I have never seen Citizen Kane all the way through.
(x) I have never broken a bone.
(?) I have never been able to think of original "I have nevers"
(x) I have never enjoyed eating veal
(_) I have never been whale watching
(_) I have never stayed up until 10 AM listening to music
(_) I have never seen real boobies
(_) I have never gone an entire month without some form of soda.
(_) I have never liked people.

cocopuff

:: 2004 21 August :: 12.35am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Matchbox 20- "push"

lalalala

She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By a hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's
Gonna give
And I'm a little bit angry, well

This ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you
Around
You don't owe me, we might change
Yeah we just might feel good

[chorus]

I wanna push you around, I will, I will
I wanna push you down, I will, I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted
I will

She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
Like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is
Gonna hurt ya
And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
You couldn't stand to be near me
When my face don't seem to want to shine
Cuz it's a little bit dirty well

Don't just stand there, say nice things to me
I've been cheated I've been wronged, and you
You don't know me, I can't change
I won't do anything at all

[chorus]

Oh but don't bowl me over
Just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so
Crazy, crazy
Don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby

[chorus]

wow it has been a long while since i wrote in this thing...

we got are classes today... and mine suck!!

A1- Bio/ Hinnenkamp
A2- Study
A3- French/ Ruggaber
A4- Intro law/ Mcdade
A5- English/ Mcfraland
A6- World history/ Chute
B1- Algebra 2/ Wong
B2- Study

yea gay... tell me if ur in ne of them tho....

yea well im sittin here with brittany.. and were both bored outta are mindes... i thinkn were gonna go and get soemk food soo yea.... bye

:: 2004 21 August :: 12.38am

pics
http://www.picturetrail.com/kels7216

2 .from you. | .to me.

:: 2004 20 August :: 11.24pm

english - collins
latin - geckle
choir
algebra - billet
biology - doyle
world history - brenneman
biology again..
study

studys - b2 c3 c4 d6 f1 f2 g4 h6
gym - d5 g3 h5 - buschenfeldt

--

break my heart into a million peices
stab me in the back
spit into these brown eyes
and i'd still want you back

bruise me, rape me,
touch me too
after all that
i should leave you

(chorus)
break me beat me
love me leave me
after all ive been though with you
cant love and leave you
like you did to me

but i cant leave
i love your kiss
i love you face,
your eyes are bliss

im in a daze
when your in my sight
blurred for so long
cant see wrong from right

(chorus)

i kiss you
and its like im high
i breath you in
and never ask myself why

why you hurt me
like you do
im intoxicated
under your voodoo

(chorus)

(bridge)
you tranquilize me
with your touch
it fills me up
almost too much

empty eyes reflect in yours
void of everything i need
but i look past all that
loves all that i see

(chorus)

call me crazy
if you must
you aint got nothing
without my trust

2 .from you. | .to me.

:: 2004 20 August :: 5.03pm
:: Mood: same...
:: Music: Monica-Shoulda Known Better

Schedule.....
lemme know if you have anything! =P

A2-PE (Anniballi)
A3-Geometry (Linsky)
A4- English (Simms)
A5- Intro. Law (McDade)
A6- Biology (Doyle)
B2- World Hist. (Darragh)

Studies- A1, C5, E1, F3, G5

:: 2004 19 August :: 10.29pm
:: Mood: same as last..

Switchfoot-Dare You To Move

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself
Lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

:: 2004 19 August :: 3.18am

just let me talk to ya...x3

(jonjon)
i'm a hard hittin playa in this game
everytime i'm away i'm always calling ya name
the love i need is truly incomplete
and i cry for love until it knocks me off my feet
the burning desire fire sparks passion burning heat
fills your soul, hits you hard now hug it tight
voice sings tone deep like barry white
lets be a family lets do it right

(chorus x2)
i want to be with you all night
kiss me touch me love me right
your kisses fall so sweetly
but i cant hold you boy

(mandi)
im coming over
Said you want me around six o'clock
im coming over and i am hitting the spot
i try and love you but you push me away
said you dont want to, you dont think of me that way

(chorus x2)

(mandi)
call me at night
why dont you call her?
you tell me your secrets
you keep them from her
whats the deal
what do you feel
if you werent wrong was i?
i dont know just where we stand
you gotta make up your fucking mind

(chorus x3)

(jonjon)
streets got love but i got love for you
don't get it twisted your a part of the crew
real love has to grow out like a flower
after some time love will show its power
i'll be your god, show you the way in the darkest hour
i've never had something thats so real
never had something that my heart could feel
i speak this poetry so my mind can deal
with the pain and struggle as well as the love
think of me as ya' angel not from above
i'm here now whenever you feel the need to escape
my loves in your heart with every move you make
i'm not dead but you feel my loves passion
your the type now that i'd trade my cash in
people try to break us but we say never
this love we have it will last forever

(manda)
give me a kiss
look into my eyes
tell me that you dont need me
i dont know just what to say
if you dont think of me that way
that way

(chorus x2)

your kisses fall so sweetly
but i cant hold you boy (x2)

1 .from you. | .to me.

:: 2004 19 August :: 2.37am
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: crying

good-bye again, my beautiful misery
Won't you make me understand,
Why you would say the things you said to me,
You made me believe we would be forever
But it was all a lie

If it never really was what you had for me,
Why did you say that you wanted me, needed me,
If it never really was what you meant for me,
Tell me

Now I know I've asked you time and time again,
Were you sure you didn't want another girl,
I would of understood it back then,
But you had to wait until I gave in,
Now I know I've been a sucker for your love,
Baby tell me what the hell was I thinking of,
I should of listened to them when they told me
But I learned the hard way

Why would you play with my heart,
When I gave it all,
It's tearing me apart,
All you had to do is say so,
You're making it so hard

Tell me why baby......

* * * * *

when words that could tear your heart apart are thrown at you unexpectedly-it just hits you like a rock and you don't think, don't speak, don't know what to say, and don't say anything right..

so this is to you Robbie, the feelings I couldn't quite surface through my tears.. you've taken everything from me and crushed it ..for one last time. so with my final good-bye I'll start my life over; though I may not want to, I'll leave you knowing nothing but this, my heart remains with you.

regulator420i: u were right

2 .from you. | .to me.

:: 2004 18 August :: 12.15pm
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: cold x crossfade

:( nobody leaves me comments anymore and its sad you bums arent cool.. lol

the sky above me is dark
like a black hole
speckeled with white spotches of stars
they hover above me
as if taunting me
whispering haunting melodies
into a summer nights breeze
i hold my hopes so high tonight
as i glance up at the ocean of a sky
my eyes trace the murky waters
until they land upon one tiny speck
one small star
i pour all of my hope out
and all of my dreams
making a wish
with all of my might
everything inside of me
just wants to scream out for you
the pristine landscape around me
echos my fears right back at me
i covet these things i cant have
and crave for a life i cant live..
wasting my days
under this atlantic sky
that i wish would engulf me into it
despondancy takes control of me
as i fall to the ground in tears
no more will i wait up at night
wishing on those hopeless stars
i dont see that in reality
i only get things that i need
and no more will i wish for you
i know that those dreams
wont come true..
thank you great big ocean of a sky..
no longer will i ask why..
my hopes are lost with the stars forever
as i watch the sun come up

---

im starring up at the ceiling
making wishes on paper stars
i know they wont come true
but i just keep wishing for you

baby why do i bother
why do i try?
i know that you
would just pass me by
i dont know why
i sit here thinking
you could ever be with me
i guess i like to dream

a dreamer
they never get what they want
no a dreamer never sees the stars they wish upon
oh dreamers they are left waiting alone
because they dont know what to do
they want something more
all the time
they want something more
than whats in front of them
they keep wishing on those
hopeless stars in the sky..
while real life passes by..

---

some poetry.. reflecting how i feel...

5 .from you. | .to me.

xonixieox

:: 2004 18 August :: 7.56am
:: Mood: sore!
:: Music: slow motion

julie!
julie is so cute! she left this comment...
Nikkie you have to update your journal like right now and tell everyone about the fun time we had in boston and Dariens dad being a dick head when we were bowling but how it was still fun! tttyl <3 Julie ;)

so on like saturday or something.. maybe sunday.. me and julie went to boston with darien nd her dad to pizzaria reginas! the pizza was amazing like it always is.. then we went bowling and dariens dad was being an ass so me and julie decided to piss him off! lol.. hes so gay.. first he called me a slut and then was yelling at us for "not trying hard enough" what a fuck head! lol

anyways im soooooooo sore! double sessions yesterday, today and tomorrow! ahhhhhhh

anyways yesterday tamisha was like school starts at 9 o'clock this year... 9-1 the first day,9-2 the second day, and 9-3 from there on... and we were all excited the coach went to check and he was like guys you start school on 9/1 not from 9-1 it was fucknig hillarious! lmao! im still laughing! we are so fucking stupid!!!

<3 NikkiE

3 .from you. | .to me.

:: 2004 18 August :: 12.05am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Franchize-White Tee

I don't understand guys.
help me out.. leave something

cocopuff

:: 2004 17 August :: 10.20pm

hello...

1 .from you. | .to me.

:: 2004 17 August :: 9.24pm

sometimes i feel
like im taking over myself
sometimes i feel
like these things that i feel arent real

dont know what to do
when im losing you
cant stand being wthout your smile

whens it my turn
to feel the things that they feel?
whens it my turn to shine?

living in the shadows of another
aint the life that i had planned
just wanna be something special baby
just want you to be my man

but i guess that wont change
i guess ill stay the same
i guess i cant feel
these things that i want to feel
i guess i cant see
these things i want to see
im blind to everything
except this pain i feel
oh its nothing new to me..
my heart is used to this pain

sometimes i feel
like im losing it all
cant touch the ground
theres no one to catch me when i fall

sometimes i feel
like the world is falling down
and everything around me
crumbles to the ground

theres nothing left
for me to hold on to
oh theres nothing left
for me to stay true to
no theres nothing left
nothing left thats real
nothing left to feel
except for this pain

oh its nothing new to me
no nothing new you see
im the same old girl i used to be
baby nothings changed
nothing is new to me
like these stars i see
i wish on them
they wont come true
but its nothing new..

:: 2004 17 August :: 2.39am

this feels like eternal hell. Nothing less. Pain, anger, confusion, hurt, never knowing how I'm gonna feel from one minute to the next. Hurting because I hurt those who I love. Feeling misunderstood. Analyzing everything. Nothing gives me happiness. Once in a great while I will get "too happy" and then anxious because of that. Then I self-medicate with drugs. Then I physically hurt myself. Then I feel guilty because of that. Shame. Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because I'd feel too much guilt for those I'd hurt, and then feeling angry about that so I cut myself or smoke to make all the feelings go away.

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Very High
Narcissistic: Very High
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate