<marquee behavior=alternate>.:*Chubby*:.</marquee>

:: 2004 9 July :: 2.02pm

the pristine smoke twirls around you
in this foggy stifled room
we glance at eachother quickly
not long enough to contemplate
what the night would hold
curiously we smile, and toss hellos from side to side
playing with our young emotions
toying with this premature lust
our lips they slowly tingle
as they touch for the first time
separated only seconds
and already yurning for more
temptation pulls this curiously further
touching skin of milky white
slowly melting into eveything i am
not an ounce of fear in my body
just the need to know your face
i want to learn your heavenly body
and begin to touch through taste
the smoke as grown much thicker now
and teh dark penetrates all that is light
leaving only you and i here
to explore uncharted territory
to kiss from dusk til dawn
and if i leave not knowing you
and each inch of milk white skin
i leave without a piece of me
it is to you that i am drawn
not an ounce of fear in my body
just the need to know your face
i want to learn your heavenly body
and begin to touch through taste

:: 2004 9 July :: 9.21am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Mario Winans-Never Really Was

Lizzy's leaving tomorrow... :(

Lizzys going to Maine for TWO weeks on saturday, I'm sad I've never been away from Lizzy for more than a week lol she better call.
and she's missing my birthday too wat the fuck!
but we are going out to breakfast soon I think so it's all good
Robbie n Mike came back yesterday... I thought they were coming home today. I saw robbie last night after I was forced to fuck up all my plans to go see him... but thats ok it was fun

ya.. my moms a cunt >:O if she ever does that again I swear I'll smack her. and I've been pretty patient with her lately cause she hasnt done anything GAY.. but if she wants it to be like it used to I can play that game too mother fucker

:: 2004 8 July :: 1.52am

some good music

Our Lady Peace
Superman's Dead

Do you worry that you're not liked
How long till you break
You're happy cause you smile
But how much can you fake
An ordinary boy an ordinary name
But ordinary's just not good enough today

Chorus:
Alone I'm thinking
Why is superman dead
Is it in my head
We'll just laugh instead
You worry about the weather and
Whether or not you should hate

Are you worried about your faith
Kneel down and obey
You're happy you're in love
You need someone to hate
An ordinary girl an ordinary waist
But ordinary's just not good enough today

Chorus:
Alone I'm thinking
Why is superman dead
Is it in my head
We'll just laugh instead
You worry about the weather and
Whether or not you should hate

Doesn't anybody ever know that the world's a subway...

-----

Silverchair
Black Tangled Heart

Maybe your luck has changed
Settle down
Maybe I'm just deranged
And on the rebound
Maybe love was the thing
Holding me back from all
Maybe I'm just the thing
To break my own fall
Take the rope to my heart and fall
You may just be the last before you
See the black tangled heart fall

Maybe departure's good
Makes room for more
Start to mass produce
For a chance to ignore
Maybe you'll kill yourself
Before I get a turn
Maybe I'll fall in love
And never learn

Take the rope to my heart and fall
You may just be the last before you
See the black tangled heart fall

Take the rope to my heart and fall
You may just be the last before you
See the black tangled heart fall

-------

Liberate the people that you hate
Then cut yourself again
Elevate then drop back down
And see which ones remain
Remember all that she can say
Is that she knows she wants it
You'll make it through
With another point of view again
You'll make it through
With another point

Accusation, does yes mean no?
Or have you changed your mind?
Kill the nation before it grows
And be one of a kind
Remember all that she can say
Is that she knows she wants it

You'll make it through
With another point of view again
You'll make it through
With another point

Pretend the world's an ocean
Oh, I'm drowning
Pretend that I'm pollution
Oh, I'm dying
Pretend the steak's a cowboy
And the kiss will kill you

You'll make it through
With another point of view again
You'll make it through
With another point

-----

Silverchair
Stoned

Sitting in my bedroom baby,
You know I'm spinning.
Haven't got much headroom,
But I'm only living.

When I'm like this,
I can only just sit,
Why did you get me into this shit,
Help me get out of it now.
I don't know what you will allow.

You've got me stoned,
Sitting in my bedroom spinning.
Stoned, yeah.

When is this feeling gonna wear away,
I know the Devil's looking up at me,
I hope this feeling's not gonna stay, never.

:: 2004 8 July :: 12.06am
:: Mood: burnt out
:: Music: Heaven is a place on earth

When I feel alone
I reach for you
And you bring me home
When I'm lost at sea
I hear your voice
And it carries me

In this world we're just beginning
To understand the miracle of living
Baby I was afraid before
But I'm not afraid anymore

"no that bench looks scary.. y dont we go walk down those strange streets??"
haha that was funny I'm an idiot

:: 2004 7 July :: 12.15am

i see your face and it sends shivers down my spine..
going crazy with these thoughts of you
barely know you and i want to be with you everyday..
looked into those baby blues
and you got me hooked on you..
standing underneath the starlit sky
watching flashes in eachothers eyes.
wishing for dream like love for me...
wonder who my love could be..
i watch you as your walking by
im starring and you wonder why..
you catch a glimpse of my bruning desire...
you bring the weed and start the fire..
inhale the happy thoughts into your lungs...
soon we'll be the only ones.
i dont know much about you..
dont know if what you say is true...
you tell me how it used to be,
and how you sometimes wish you were free..
i nod and smile and pray its real..
listen intently and say i know how you feel..
you turn to look at the glow in the sky...
i watch the burning embers float by...
and you look into my deep brown eyes..
and kiss me under the calydescope sky..
the pain slowly drifts away
and something in me wants you to stay..
dont know what it is youve done...
but something new has just begun..
i wish that you could understand...
the power in one touch of your hand..
after tonight you wont know my name or face..
but ill dream of you with me.. somehow someplace...

:: 2004 6 July :: 11.45am

Mario Winans-Never really was
download this song its good!

[Talking]
I just need to talk to you for a second,
It won't take me long,
I gotta get this off my chest,
Listen!

I'm really glad that you can take out time,
Cause I got a lot on my mind,
I never thought that you would be the kind,
To do the dirt and hang you head,
Babygirl won't you make me understand,
Why you would say the things you said to me,
You made me believe we would be forever
But it was all a lie

[Chorus]
If it never really was what you seen in me,
Why did you say you believed in me,
It's all because of you my security,
It's driving me crazy baby,
If it never really was what you had for me,
Why did you say that you wanted me, needed me,
If it never really was what you meant for me,
Tell me

Now I know I've asked you time and time again,
Were you sure you didn't want another man,
I would of understood it back then,
But you had to wait until I gave in,
Now I know I've been a sucker for your love,
Baby tell me what the hell was I thinking of,
I should of listened to them when they told me
But I learned the hard way

[Chorus]
If it never really was what you seen in me,
Why did you say you believed in me,
It's all because of you my security,
It's driving me crazy baby,
If it never really was what you had for me,
Why did you say that you wanted me, needed me,
If it never really was what you meant for me,
Tell me

Why would you play with my heart,
When I gave it all,
It's tearing me apart girl,
All you had to do is say so,
I would of let you go,
You're making it so hard girl

Why would you play with my heart,
When I gave it all,
It's tearing me apart girl,
All you had to do is say so,
I would of let you go,
You're making it so hard girl

Tell me why, why baby

[Chorus]
If it never really was what you seen in me,
Why did you say you believed in me,
It's all because of you my security,
It's driving me crazy baby,
If it never really was what you had for me,
Why did you say that you wanted me, needed me,
If it never really was what you meant for me,
Tell me

[Chorus]
If it never really was what you seen in me,
Why did you say you believed in me,
It's all because of you my security,
It's driving me crazy baby,
If it never really was what you had for me,
Why did you say that you wanted me, needed me,
If it never really was what you meant for me,
Tell me

[Chorus (Girl's part)]
If it never really was what you seen in me,
Why did you say you believed in me,
(I just tried to give you what you needed)
It's all because of you my security,
It's driving me crazy baby,
(Would you just tell me why you lied to me)
If it never really was what you had for me,
Why did you say that you wanted me, needed me,
(don't know)
If it never really was what you meant for me,
Tell me

1 .from you. | .to me.

:: 2004 6 July :: 1.37am
:: Music: no woman no cry x fugees

Last night I was taking a walk along the river
And I saw him together with a young girl
And the look that he gave her made me shiver
'Cause he always used to look at me that way
Then I thought maybe I should walk right up to her and say
Ah-ha-ha, it's a game he likes to play

Look into his angeleyes
One look and you're hypnotized
He'll take your heart and you must pay the price
Look into his angeleyes
You'll think you're in paradise
And one day you'll find out he wears a disguise
Don't look too deep into those angeleyes
Oh no no no no

Sometimes when I'm lonely I sit and think about him
And it hurts to remember all the good times
When I thought I could never live without him
And I wonder does it have to be the same
Every time when I see him, will it bring back all the pain?
Ah-ha-ha, how can I forget that name?

---------------

well today meggy and i went driving with ryan maclean!!! i missed him so much! his car is so nice i love it.. it a black camero and i love it lol

well im getting kinda tired so im not gonna write much

check in later mwah

:: 2004 5 July :: 4.06pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Mario Winans-Never really was

bah wtf is wrong with me

I feel so disconnected... I miss my friends and I feel like I don't even know myself anymore either

BAH I worry about everything possible.. like I intentionally find something to make myself worry about

I guess I'm just starting to adjust to the summer... and not being in school and seeing every single one of my friends everyday... now I only see them like a day at a time... or not even

if I'm with the same people all the time I usually get annoyed.. but now it's the opposite. well I can never be happy I dunno what's wrong with me, I can never find the good in any situation

:: 2004 5 July :: 12.43pm
:: Music: the rain

happy late 4th of july lol

so last night were the fireworks!!!

it was awesome me n lizzy and meg hung out with gabe and derek and everyone it was fun i got to see beth and ailie who i hadnt seen for sooooooooooooooooo long the fireworks were so0o0o0o pretty! and i got to see ghozt lol and i met some pretty cool ppl too lol

i wish they werent over and the fireworks were back again today cuz it was so much fun.. and i think im falling...

nevermind that

ill write more later..

<3 Manda

1 .from you. | .to me.

:: 2004 4 July :: 5.24pm
:: Mood: full
:: Music: Get Right

Happy 4th of Julyy :-)

Tonight Jessica's coming over... then we are going to the fireworks... either at Cloverleaf or at Coolidge with Jimmy and Robbie

It's always been a dream of mine to sit with the person I love and watch the fireworks.. :-[

I didn't see him yesterday... and he's leaving tomorrow I hope I can see him tonight ??

...I had a talk with my mom today...
she randomly told me she "doesn't like what I'm getting myself into" and that I shouldn't be wasting my time with Robbie.
What scares me is that my mom is ALWAYS right. What doesn't is that she doesn't know him like I do... but I also realized I don't know as much as I thought I did.
if I did, then this wouldn't be so damn hard...

I dunno I REALLY dunno...
all I know is that for the past (almost) year,
no one has meant more to me than him and I'm not sure if/when thats gonna change..

I'm only fourteen, but if I know what the word means then it's because of him

I can't say I love you I don't know what that means

2 .from you. | .to me.

:: 2004 4 July :: 3.47am

i am a fucking insomniac
well.. its like 3:40 and im still up and not even tired. dammit i stay up this late like everynight... somethings wrong with me!!!

well i went to see the movie the notebook with lizzy and meg.. omg it was the best movie in teh whole entire world.. so insanely sad tho.. i cried the whole time seriously.. my eyes were all red and puffy after.. :( its one of those movies that just makes you think about your life and all o fthe choices youve made and how you never want to ever lose anyone.. and how bad i want to fall in love...but i dont wanna rush into things.. i am only 15...

well ryan gosling was in it he is my favorite actor in the whole entire world and i loved him in the notebook...

but holu crap if you go and see it bring tissues cuz ur gonna need em :-\

well its the 4th of july today

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!

im going to the fireworks with meg and lizzy and kelsey and jessie i believe it shold be fun :-)

ill write more later

mwahhh

<3 manda

2 .from you. | .to me.

:: 2004 3 July :: 11.36pm
:: Mood: pessimistic again..
:: Music: 97.7

why don't I feel close with them anymore..

I dunno why but I don't feel as close as I used to be with any of my friends anymore..
I dunno when it started but it's some random feeling..
I've had times when I've been closer with one of them than the rest.. but never a feeling that I wasn't closer to one more than the other.. like I'm not close to any of them. maybe it's because I'm just starting to not understand myself anymore..

ever since the last day of school..and when liz got in trouble, I feel like I'm starting to fall apart. I'm always so pessimistic about everything... like everyones out to get me.

all I ever did all day when Liz was grounded was sit around.. and think of everything thats wrong with me and all my problems.. I have a feeling thats not a good thing. I go out more now but I dunno I don't feel like I'm needed by anyone anymore. I've also gotten really depressed lately everytime I come down from being high, I dunno what it is.. but it's not good. And I can't talk to anyone about it... there's no one there

Happy 4th tomorrow

4 .from you. | .to me.

:: 2004 3 July :: 12.32pm
:: Mood: pessimistic

*Angelina-Forever

I never met a person quite like you
Someone that makes me feel loved
I wanna be the one that you are thinking of
The one that brightens your day
Because there's nobody else
That can do the things you do
Forever, I'll be there for you
So when you feel the need to love
Let me be the one you're thinking of
Because I will make it so right

Forever (forever) and ever (and ever)
I will always be there for you
Forever (forever) and ever (and ever)
I will always be there for you baby
I promise

I got to tell you what I feel in my heart
I wrote this song jus to say
No one's ever gonna love me
Nobody but you
I'm yours from this very day
Cause there's nobody else
That can make me feel the way you do
I promise I'll always be true
So when you feel the need to love
Let me be the one you're thinking of
Because I will make it so right

Forever (forever) and ever (and ever)
I will always be there for you
Forever (forever) and ever (and ever)
I will always be there for you baby

I promise.