xpiratepunkx's Journal

:: 2005 4 August :: 7.32am

ugh stupid fucking asshole i can't WAIT to move out of this stupid ass house. i can't fucking wait. you're such a dickface.

oh so you wanna go to this dinner so you can act like a grade-a big fake ass liar. go right ahead. i'm not fucking going. i'm not going to pretend we're this wonderful christian family. FUCK you. i'm not going to fucking pretend. i am waiting out this last year and then i'm GONE. i dont hate everyone in this family, no way. but there's one i strongly fucking dislike. you fucking asshole. i can't wait ttill i'm gone.

i think going for a nice drive int o a tree would be good and relaxing for me right now.

you're such an ass.

:: 2005 3 August :: 7.20pm

i am so MAD

WHAT does he have that i dont?!?! Greasy hair?! a penis?- if he even has one! >:0( UGH!

UGH!!!

WEll other than that... today was band camp and a certain SOMEONE really really pissed me off like the whole day. He is honestly so UGH rude and just mean. He just should think about what he says. Gawd.

AND after break i was running around the auditorium trying to just blow off some steam and i went to run down the stairs and i put my hand on the banister and my hand ran into the wall and the bricks that are all choppy and not smooth and i broke two of my acryllic nails off. AHHHHHHHHh it hurt so bad! I was really close to crying. Ah it hurt. So during lunch i made an appt. to get them fixed and now they are all better but my nails hurt still but oh well at least they are pretty again.

ANd

i want to be done with band camp.

and i love roman and i love my friends

and i am a fatty. oh well.

:: 2005 2 August :: 10.30am

so what do i have to do today. i'm gonna write it and just get it organized in my mind.... UGH

i need to keep going tanning because it's slowly making me feel better about myself when i'm tan. i need to go to the bank

i need to go to rosies and try to get that job

rrrrrrrrrrweeeeeeeeeeeeeerweraweaadgadfghdfghdhh

i wanna just go back to sleep.

:: 2005 1 August :: 9.44pm

wow you guys look at my new journal thingy i did.

does anyone know how to make those smaller? just a tad? heh.

and also, jenna, dani, beans... a few other of you.. you're on there if you just wait and watch.

6 &hearts | to comment

:: 2005 1 August :: 10.39am

WOW

i am

SO
horrible. right?

2 &hearts | to comment

:: 2005 31 July :: 8.57am

uggggggggggh.

:: 2005 30 July :: 10.54pm

oh , and just a little PS.

i HATE this house. i hate living here. so so so so so so fucking much . SO MUCH.

i'm seventeen and above that... LAY OFF and stop freaking out about things that don't even matter. gawdddddddddddddddddddddddd.

i'm so stressed and i dont even think i'll be able to sleep tonight becfause of how much i'll be worrying about tomorrow.

great.

:: 2005 30 July :: 9.59pm

UGGHGHGHSD;KLASDJL;ASKDJGASLDKGJ
AS
UGHAS
DGAS
DGAHS
DA
SD
G

GAWD FUCKING DUMB

Romans car is broken and HEY GUESS WHAT

my brakes are totally FUCKED UP they dont work at all they sound like grinding fucking metal

great and now romans leaving and i havent even said two words to him because my al;ksdjfl;asdkjfl;askdjgl;skdjgsl;adkgjasdkl
gj
asdklgjs
adgkljs
adlgkjas
klgjas
gkj
dk fuck

fuck you and the horse4 you rode in on.

2 &hearts | to comment

:: 2005 30 July :: 3.22pm

HOW COME EVERY FUCKING TIME THINGS SEEM TO BE GOING ALRIGHT AND WE SEEM TO BE ABLE TO HANDLE THE LITTLE PROBLEMS OURSELVES, SOMETHING REALLY BAD HAS TO HAPPEN EVEN WHEN WE JUST PRAYED LAST NIGHT THAT IT WOULDN'T

HOW COME?

HOW COME THIS SHIT NEVER STOPS?!?!

AND HOW COME I STILL FUCKING WORK AT ARBYS . WILL I EVER GET A DIFFERENT FUCKING JOB?

I HATE THIS. GAWDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

:: 2005 30 July :: 8.31am

ugh people are so stupid and mean when will anyone realize ANYTHING.

i have to go to arby's today i kind of am hoping i got fired and i can just go home.

i feel like shit shit shit and i just want to go back to bed.

well .

here comes the...............fun.

:: 2005 29 July :: 11.22pm

There's an ambulance outside. I think I hate that noise more than anything in the world. Everytime I see or hear one I pray that no one is hurt.

I'm trying to avoid it, but I just have to write in here.

I've realized more and more how bad my self-esteem is getitng again. I put on these jeans today and they used to be loose on me. Now they are fitting and I hate it. I wanted to cry and cut off 10 lbs of fat from my legs. I always feel so fat but I don't work out or eat good. I don't have enough self-discipline and I always am working so I don't want to work out when I have the time. I want to spend that time with Roman or friends.

I cry about everything about myself. I 'm really hating my looks again like I used to. Because of my stupid face. This was supposed to be done with 2 years ago but no, of course not. It will probably haunt me the rest of my life. I cry if someone I've never met before doesn't say hi to me when I'm introduced to them. That one makes more sense to me... but when I cry because people don't say bye to me when I'm leaving their house I just want to drive off and run into a truck. It makes me feel so extremely horrible.

I'm sorry to anyone i've EVER made fun of or thought bad of ever. I'm so sorry. I dont want to hurt anyone's feelings. I always feel that way but now more and more I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings even if I don't know them and even if they don't hear me. It's just so wrong because what if they did hear what I said? What if they are feeling like me what if they are on the verge and ready to go for it and that last comment they hear from a complete stranger just pushes them over the edge?

I just want all this to go away. For a while it was. Roman makes me feel great about myself so it all went away. Maybe i've been around myself to much and everything's coming back. WEll hey jess G if this makes you feel good... I wanted to let you know, my boyfriend thinks you're skinnier than me. Great huh? You are, and I know that but for him to even say it . I just wanted to go make myself puke until I was satisfying enough for the world. UGH.

I feel so bad about everything. I feel bad that I let down my parents I feel bad I let down roman. My friends. Everyone. I feel bad that I don't think I have what it takes (or even CLOSE to what it takes) to be a neonatel nurse. I feel bad that I dont think I can do college. I feel bad that I didn't get the cashiering job at white creek lumber and i was oh-so-positive i would. I feel bad that no one cares. I feel bad that I probably will be stuck at arby's for another year.

That is if they haven't fired me yet for not calling or showing up.
fuck them.

I feel bad that everyone is or seems more successful and more pretty than me. more outgoing, comfortable, together.a asssssssssssssssssssssssssdfffffffffffffff i dont like me. i think the only time i really like me is when i'm with one of my best friends or definetely when i'm with roman. but i always wish i could be more like him. confident. yeah that's right roman i think i'm jealous of you. hm. i love you and i want to be more like you but you know that already.

s;dlfkajdl;fkjasd;fkljas;dlfkjasl;dfjkasl;djkf gross.

And you know, I'll eat somethign before bed. Probably ice cream. Most likely. God i'm so dumb

Praying makes me feel so much better. but i still feel gross. Roman makes me feel great too but when i'm alone i still feel ugly.

PLEASE if you have any molecule of decency in you or like me AT ALL PLEASE leave me a comment with like... 3 things you like about me or think are nice about me or SOMETHING. just something that would be a little self-esteem booster. Because I need it. and i want it. And I will gladly do the same for you. okay? Please.

i need it. ugh. i feel so shitty.

and other than that. Im ready and I love roman with all my heart.

14 &hearts | to comment

:: 2005 28 July :: 10.58pm

today was by far one of the best days i've had this summer.

roman came and picked me up this afternoon and we went all the way to silver... (or is it spring.. it's by pentwater like an hour and a half away in Mear, MI)lake. it was SO beautiful. so entirely gorgeous. i decided i want to get married there. the dunes are just so beautiful.

we climbed up those humongous dunes and then ran down the other side. then we layed out for a while and went swimming and then when we left we climbed this HUGE dune. ahh it was so beautiful when we got to the top. so gorgeous.

after the beach we went to the band picnic and it was nice to see everyone and then we stopped at big boy and saw jess and got something to eat. MM MM big boy!! Jess was a wonderful waitress!! Thanks Jess!! <3!!

i took tons and tons of pictures today at the beach. here are some on the way to the beach and at the beach.... look at them!!

Read more..
what a great day. i LOVE roman and i LOVE the beach. wow.

:: 2005 28 July :: 1.27pm

i'm going to the beeeeeaaaccchhhhh..

i'm so excited i'm just waiting for roman to get here and i can hardly wait so um that's why i'm updating about it because i'm just so excited!Q!!!@#!$@#!@#

hooray i love the beach!

:: 2005 27 July :: 10.41pm

so im just waiting for my baby to get home from work so i can talk to him and other than that... i've decided i'm not going to work tomorrow because I didn't think we had to and me and roman haven't seen each other this week and we made all these plans to go to the beach. i just pray that tomorrow is as beautiful a day as today was. it was so gorgeous and perfect outside.

i babysat for james and jenna today and we had fun and i love them . they didn't even fight today so that was super nice. this nice lady at a scrapbooking store made me feel a thousand times better. why can't more people on earth be more compassionate like her. she really made me feel better. i was just freaking out. i was lost and i couldn't stop bawling my eyes out. this trucker guy pulled up in the lane next to me waiting at the light was just like staring at me because i was bawling and i just wanted to hop out of my car and climb up his semi truck door and punch him in the nose.

then i went to pit. bleh. um. yeah. and tomorrow is a picnic ish thingy.

BUT TOMORROW IS THE BEACH FOR ME BITCHES!!

i love jess and jess. what else?

i dont really know. i'm just tired. goodnight.

3 &hearts | to comment

:: 2005 24 July :: 9.13am

i hate this place so so sos sos so so so sso so so much.

i can't decide if i want to just go back to sleep or attempt to do something today.

i have to stop spending money. UGH.