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2003 16 September :: 8.03pm
:: Mood: i don't even know anymore.. =(
:: Music: commercials on the radio..
nothing anymore.
so yeah.. the moday and tuesday of this week was.. okay if you consider being miserable okay.. but whatever.
last night i stayed at rochelles. i did have fun. =) but i guess her step dad is bein an ass today, so rochelle, i hope you're okay.. i love you! -hugs-
jim and i are okay.. we just fight a lot.. i um, need him. because he helps me through everything. =( i wish i wasn't so dependent on him. i need him for absolutly everything. i feel so stupid. but i l o v e h i m w i t h a l l m y h e a r t and i don't ever wanna lose him.. it came to close once, never again do i want it to become that close again.. never again.
in algebra i feel dumb. i guess we're doing "Problem Solving" now- man, i try so hard, and i just don't understand it. =( i don't know what to do.. ugh. we're having a test.. umm.. [hold on, let me look in my planner..] um, yeah thursday. -sighs- i am going to fail it. whatever; if i fail, i'll most likely just fail the whole year. but i don't even know if i care anymore.
i re-did my journal.
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2003 14 September :: 2.35pm
:: Mood: upset, depressed, worried, anti-social
:: Music: die trying - oxgyens gone
just leave me alone to die
the whole weeks been bad.. well, starting tuesday anyway. jim and i have just ben fighting non-stop all the time anymore. god, i don't even know what the fuck we're fighting over half the time, we just fight to fight.
so tuesday i had an anxiety attack, and god i've been seriously getting those more and more often.. and i don't know what to do about them because i don't want to tell anyone. i'm scared they'll take me to the doctor, and they'll want to.. i don't know, i'm just scared of them seeing my arm. i don't want to know what they'll do about it. they'd probably tell my mom or something. and thats the last thing that i need.. =/
wed. at lunch time jim and i got into this fight over something.. i guess he said that i was making fun of him, but i swear to god on my life that i didn't even mean to say anything bad. it just came out wrong i guess.. but i don't know, he wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the lunch period, and he didn't walk with me to 6th period.. i was really upset. i hate when things like that happen. god, it makes me feel like shit. 8th period i couldn't hold it in anymore. i asked to go the restroom cause i was crying.. mrs. gurdish asked if i was okay, i just nodded my head.. i think i was in there for like 5 minutes, and when i finially came back in the class room, i was still crying a little bit, and i felt everyones eyes on me. i hate that. i guess they were all waiting for me to get out the bathroom. how dumb.
the rest of the week was just bad. then came the weekend. god, i don't even want to talk about the weekend. i had the worst weekend ever. jim and i fought, and all i did all weekend was cry, and cry and think about stupid shit. i swear i wanted to just sink into my pillow and just never have to face anything anymore. i didn't want to talk or see anyone.
but i did. i had to go to my uncles family reunion with him. i didn't want to let him down. i may be a little depressed, but i wouldn't let my aunt and uncle down. kelly and i went, and everyone rode horses but me. the one who loves horses, but i didn't ride. because i'm scared not of horses.. of something else. but i don't want to talk about it.
so i'm going to go to school with a HaPpY fAce! on, and lie some more. =) yay. i'm so glad!
i hope i don't wake up in the morning.
i love you jim.
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2003 10 September :: 7.02pm
:: Mood: i feel like singing
:: Music: a bunch of different stuff.
don't test me. not this year.
i made a community.. so everyone that reads my journal, please join. it'd mean a lot to me. just click HERE
i've been listening to this radio station, and all these old songs are on that i haven't heard in a couple years.. and i'm pretty happy about that, because i like these songs. damn. i miss this kinda shit.
:sings: [this is stuck in my head from earlier today]
youre getting closer, to pushing me
off of lifes little edge
cause im a loser and sooner or later
you know ill be dead
youre getting closer, youre holding
the rope and im taking the fall
cause im a loser, i'm a loser
so you can tell that school started, because no one updates anymore.. =[ which makes me sad. but i guess i'll get over it like i do everything else.
i'm not sure about school anymore. to much work. i'd rather be doing something else, like sleeping. but yeah- i have to keep my grades up. because i want to. not because anyone else wants me to. i am doing it because i want to. =] because of me. me me me.
i'm doing good in my classes so far -shudders- oh well, i'm trying harder than last year, especially in algebra, and english.. only because i really am starting to like algebra, and english will only get harder, and i better start doing good now. dumb reasons, but hey-- they work.
i guess i don't really have that much homework, yeah i have more than last year, but you always have more homework the higher grade you get in, so.. no complaining from me.
i have to say- fuckin people better stop talking to jim! you stupid bitch. talk to him again, see what i do. =] thats all.
[my friends know who the hell i'm talking about.]
don't press my buttons this year. not this year, because i'm not taking anyones shit.
i was sitting on the bus, and this one nicole girl was talking really loud, and i was like "who the fuck is talking so loud?! they need to stfu, they're getting on my nerves." to kelly, and she was like "jena, everything gets on your nerves anymore." haha, yeah she's right. i hate people. =]
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2003 7 September :: 8.18pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: 504 boys - i can tell
: i'm not sure :
yes. i am listening to rap. no i don't like much of it. but a select few i like.
so i guess yesterday jim and i fought. i was upset. i cried. nothing else new. i always cry over stupid things. but whatever. i don't care anymore.
today jim came over. and rochelle was here also. sams party was today. i guess all her friends didn't come over, because they had "plans" [assholes] but allison was here. and we made the best of it. and i did have a good time.
it started around 2, we all went outside on the back porch deck. my mom made hotdogs, and we ate chips. sam gave us all a little gift bag, which had: a bracelet, necklace, hair things, gum, a big bouncy ball, pencil, and sunglasses in it. i love it. i stole everyones bracelet, because they were so cute, and i loved them. [i didn't really steal them, everyone gave me theres.] but anyway, after we ate jim came. i don't really know what time that was.. but whatever. we all went swimming. but no one actually stayed in the pool because i really think that it was only about 50 or so degres. it was freezing. [goes at gets noodles] but then we played a little game [something to do with cotton balls, i don't really remember.] but we made that fun to. it even had me laughing, which felt good.
rochelle jim and i played some nintendo, and then we all came in my room.. rochelle went on the computer, and jim and i cuddled on my bed. =] we didn't really do anything other than that.. jim and i fell asleep for about an hour, then we woke up, took rochelle home and then jim and i chilled.
he went home around 8:00 :'(
i miss him.
he needs to come back.
i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i don't want to act all happy and soicalize. ahh. i hate it anymore. i wish school was fuckin over already.
i want to go to homecoming.. :( but i'm not.
i better go read my english story, even though i can't really get into it, because it's so stupidly written, god. they need to get better stories already.
go to woohulyrics and get an account and then add me as a friend.
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2003 3 September :: 10.17pm
:: Mood: really upset.
:: Music: complete and utter silence.
i feel special.
d0ug1e06 (10:08:12 PM): hey jena
she ran away x (10:08:15 PM): hi
d0ug1e06 (10:08:17 PM): u looked nice today
she ran away x (10:08:24 PM): lol yeah.
d0ug1e06 (10:08:25 PM): i forgot to tell u
d0ug1e06 (10:08:30 PM): haha u did
she ran away x (10:08:34 PM): thanks, if youre being serious
she ran away x (10:09:09 PM): :-)
d0ug1e06 (10:10:10 PM): yeah i am being serious
she ran away x (10:10:57 PM): thanks.
that was just about the nicest thing anyones said to me in a long time. =] thanks david if you're reading this! you really made my day better.
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2003 2 September :: 4.01pm
school is dumb.
"dumb people are always blissfully
unaware of how dumb they really are."
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2003 1 September :: 9.04pm
:: Mood: thirsty
:: Music: limp bizkit - eat you alive
[after the party]
soo everyone started getting at my house around 2:00.. and it's like BOOM everyone started drinking. man it was crazyness.
i'd say by at least 4 everyone that was there was trashed. except for me, jim, rochelle, amy, and randi. we didn't drink anything. kelly and her friend came around 4 or so? i don't really know.. i wasn't paying any attention. but anyways, a little bit later kelly and rachel left, so it was just us 5 again.. i think it was around 7 o'clock or so when we all got so freakin tired of sitting in the house, playing video games, that we went and sat out on my front porch.. oh god. then "the drunk lady" came out. (*we named her that* - but her real name is Karen) oh god, so many freakin memories from her.. we were out there for a good 45 mintes, just crackin up. man was she trashed..
the drunk lady: "EVIL EVIL EVIL DEMONS!" -swings the plastic fish around and then violenty harrasses the palm tree-
the drunk lady talking to rochelle in her ear: "6 6 6" -messes up rochelles hair- "6 6 6!!!! DEMONS!!!!!!!"
amy: "so did you get hay?"
the drunk lady: "huh? i didnt hear you"
the drunk lady: "GET THE BALLS TO SAY IT AGAIN, YOU SAID IT ONCE, DO YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY IT AGAIN!? GET THE BALLS!! THE BALLS!"
-here we are falling off our chairs laughing our asses off.-
rochelle: "she said, DID YOU GET HAY"
the drunk lady: "not enough! nope let me tell ya, NOT ENOUGH!"
"GET SOME HAY WHILE YOU STILL CAN!" -the drunk lady
the drunk lady: "so are all of you single?"
randi: "no, not jena" -points to me-
me: "this is my boyfriend jim" -points to jim-
the drunk lady: "HOLD ON. so let me get this straight, she has a boyfriend and none of you girls do!? now back in MY DAY........ when i got some hay, ALL MY GIRLS GOT SOME HAY!!!!!!!" -looks at me- "why aren't you hookin this girls up with some hay?!"
"CUT THE LAWN" .. "i need some hay" -rochelle
oh my god. that was the funniest shit ever. it might sound weird when you just read it like this.. but jim, amy, randi, and rochelle know what it's about. damn.. good memories.
later that night we took a walk.. hmm. thats all i can say. =] but i did have cotton mouth really bad.
great night. man.. great night.
-x|x- jena.
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2003 31 August :: 1.41am
:: Mood: happy cause jims here
:: Music: just talking to jim.
[a survey thingy]
Have you ever...
1. Fallen for your best friend no
2. Made out with JUST a friend yes.
3. Been in love yeah, i am right now.
4. Used someone yes
5. Been used many times.
6. Done something you regret of course.
Last person...
1. You touched jim
2. You talked to - jim
3. You hugged - jim
4. You instant messaged - nick
5. You yelled at jim
6. You laughed with jim
7. You had a crush on jim.
8. Who broke your heart don't want to talk about it.
Do you...
1. Color your hair sure do, all the time.
2. Have tattoos - i wish..
3. Piercings - bellybutton, ears
4. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both a boyfriend, jim.
5. Floss daily ha ha ha.. no.
6. Own a webcam yeah, but it's amys.
7. Ever get off the damn computer not really. unless jim and i do something
8. Sprechen sie deutsche i have to think about that one.. haha.
9. Habla espanol no.
Have u/do u have...
1. Considered a life of crime fuck yeah.
2. Considered being a hooker yeah, 9th grade summer.. ahh i remember that.
3. Considered being a pimp yeah right.
4. Split personalities - sometimes.
5. Panic too much.
6. Anxiety - yes.. especially when i have to do something i don't want to do.
7. Depressed 99.9% of the time, but don't tell anyone.
8. Suicidal most of the time, but again, i don't talk about it.
9. Obsessed with hate - yes.. definitly.
10. If you could be anywhere, where would you be dead.
11. What are you listening to weezer
12. Can you do anything freakish with your body no.
13. Chicken or fish fish.
14. Do you have a favorite animal no.
Current
1. Clothes black shirt, pink stripped shorts.
2. Mood happy cause jims here, and sorta tired.
3. Taste pizza and pop in my mouth.
4. Hair black and in a ponytail
5. Annoyance no one and nothing.
6. Smell pizza.
7. Thing I ought to be doing laying on the bed with jim ;)
8. Desktop Picture a blinki that says "i kill myself to get back at you"
9. Favorite Group i have a bunch.. can't just name one.
10. Book nothing right now. though i should be reading something.
11. Worry babies. lol
12. Crush jim.<33
Favorite...
1. Drink orange juice
2. Color(s) black and green.
3. Shoes i don't know again.
4. Candy i don't know again.
5. TV Show don't really watch tv.
6. Movie moulin rouge
7. Dance uh no.
Are you...
1. Understanding i try..
2. Open-minded - definitly.
3. Insecure - every day of my life.
4. Interesting whatever you think.
5. Hungry all the time, but i try not to eat.
6. Friendly most of the time, although i can be a total bitch.
7. Smart not at all, if anything i'm seriously stupid.
8. Moody very much.
9. Childish - yes
10. Independent no.
11. Hard working when i want to be.
12. Organized sometimes.
13. Healthy not really.
14. Emotionally Stable haha no.
15. Shy only around new people.
16. Difficult - yes
17. Attractive fuck no.
18. Bored Easily - yes
19. Thirsty - yes.
20. Responsible most of the time.
21. Sad definitly.
22. Happy only with jim.
23. Trusting to much.
24. Talkative with people that i know.
25. Unique not really..
26. Needy no.
Who do you want to...
1. Kill yes.. not telling who. =]
2. Slap no one
3. Look like no one, anyone who looked like me would kill themselves.
4. Be like i'm not sure.
5. Talk to offline - jim, kelly
On you...
1. Name jena
2. Nicknames jen, P
3. Hair color right now: black
4. Eye Color - dark brown.
5. Siblings two little sisters, one older brother.
6. How do you describe yourself ugly, fat, stupid.
7. What's your sign aquarius
8. Do you have a Boyfriend/Girlfriend yes, jim.
On friends...
1. Best Friend(s) amy, rochelle, kelly.
2. Friend(s) you hang out with - don't know.. no one really.
3. Friend(s) you have the most fun with - don't know
4. Friend(s) you've dreamt about don't know
5. Friend(s) you tell secrets to all of them.
On preferences...
1. Chocolate milk or hot chocolate hot chocolate
2. McDonalds or Burger King ick.. neither if possible.
3. Marry the perfect lover or the perfect friend perfect friend. friendship turns into love.
4. Sweet or sour - sour
5. Root Beer or Dr. Pepper dr. pepper.
6. Sappy/action/comedy/horror horror.
7. Cats or dogs dogs
8. Ocean or Pool i hate swimming.
9. Cooler Ranch or Nacho Cheesier COOLER RANCH. =]
10. Mud or Jello wrestling uh neither.
11. With or without ice-cubes only water with ice cubes, everything else.. ew.
12. Shine or rain rain.
13. Winter/Summer/Fall/Spring - winter, fall.
14. Vanilla or Chocolate strawberry.
15. Snowboarding or skiing i dislike sports.
16. Cake or cookies - cookies
17. Cereal or toast toast.
i was bored, so i felt like doing a survey thing.. ahh yes.
-x|x- jena.
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2003 30 August :: 1.31pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: a perfect circle - juidth
sooo, school sucks. and i went to the football game last night with kelly and jim.
kelly and i look so funny together (we were actually talking about this before we left to go.) because theres me in all black, black hair, dark brown eyes, and then theres kelly with bright white colthes on, light blonde/brownish hair and blue eyes. we just thought it was quite funny cause we are just really good friends (and cousins) but i don't care what people think anymore. and this time i actually mean that.
we got to the football game around 7:30 (cause we stopped at giant eagle, and we went to pick up jim.) we were walkin around for like 2 seconds, when aj came up and talked to us. she only stayed for a couple minutes, then she left. and we went and stood by the fence for a while. dunno, we talked to some people.. after awhile we went and sat on the hill and then jordan came to sit by us. he's pretty funny. haha we were all laughin. i don't know how long after that we went to sit by amy up by the band.. and then randi and nicole came over and talked to. we were only up there for like not even 10 minutes, and this lady came and told then they weren't allowed to talk to us.. so we left, and just messed around until the game was over. then we went back to get amy and walk her to her car. so we did. =) then we went back up with kelly and casey, and went to caseys house until our ride came.. which it never did. (kellys mom was supposed to come pick us up, but nooo.) kelly tried to call her like 50,000 times.. but i guess her mom wasn't home or something. i don't know. so we called my aunt loraine and uncle don.. and uncle don and jeff (kellys dad) came to pick us up. at like 11:20 they got there. kelly was staying over nikkies, i guess. so jim and i waited for them to come in the rain.. lmao. it was pretty fun though. we did get wet, but oh well.
all in all, it was a good night cause i got to spend it with my baby jim.
What's your usual [mood]?
i got this test off of my friend kathy.
-x|x- jena.
yesterday was 9 months for jim and i.
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2003 27 August :: 6.27pm
:: Mood: irritated
:: Music: eve 6 - think twice
school
let's see.. first off, here is my schedual.. i would have posted this a lot earlier, except i lost my other one.. haha
1st pd. survey of science
2nd pd. health (mon. wed. fri.) gym (tue. thur.)
3rd pd. algebra 1 (blah nasty person!)
4th pd. advanced word processing
5th pd. u.s. history
lunch b
6th pd. child development 1
7th pd. global studies
8th pd. english 10
blah, shitty schedual. i have to practicly run up and down the stairs all day.. ahh. oh well. hopefully i get to see jim a lot in the halls. i do have global studies with kelly, so it's all good. :)
school sucks, and it's only the 1st day..
god, i hate people.
179 more to go
-x|x- jena.
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2003 26 August :: 2.42pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: jims playstaion game
soo, i guess my pictures don't show up?
-shoots them-
oh well. i guess i won't post anymore..
-sighs-
who cares.
SCHOOLS TOMORROW
just shoot me.
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2003 25 August :: 4.38pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: jims playstaion game
_@#!*&$!
ashley (kellys friend.) and kelly came over last night. ashely was stayin over kellys house, so they came over my house and chilled for a good couple hours. we just messed around on the computer, talkin, on the fone, playin the playstation and listening to some music. i think they walked over about 12-1? i don't really remember, but they left about 4-5. or somewhere around there, i don't know. ahhh.
my mom took jim and i to centry three. i got a new purse.. like i need anymore of those. but anyways, i got a new one, and some safety pins, and some little buttons. they're cute. but we only stayed there for about 30-45 minutes, because i only had 50$. ha. thats all i had left. o.0
thats all.
school starts on the 27th.. ahhh.
random picture of the day:
-x|x- jena.
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2003 24 August :: 1.01am
:: Mood: confused and feeling weird
:: Music: sugarcult - pretty girl
babies?!?!
so uh, i had this dream last night about fuckin babies. i woke up all confused and stuff. haha.
my dream:
i guess i got pregnant, and my mom kicked my out of the house or whatever. soo i was still in school, and so was jim. but jim got a good job and we got a little apartment and blah blah. i guess in school everyone was talking about how jim and i were screwed for the rest of our lives cause we were havin a kid. but we didn't really see it that way. so i had the baby, and it was a little girl. we bought her clothes, and everything she needs. and all i really remember about the dream before i woke up is that we were so happy. i don't think that i was ever that happy in my whole life. =]
so all day yesterday i was thinking about babies. i'm just kinda freaked out by it though, cause the more i think about it.. the more i want to have a baby =/ . whoa i'm weird. kelly and i went shopping, and i was all lookin at the baby clothes/toys. they're all so cute. i mean yeah i know i'm not ready for a baby.. but if it ever accidently happend, i'd be happy.
so anyway, jim didn't come over again today. godddd, i am so freakin mad! i mean, okayyy please don't tell me you are going to come over, and then not be able to! (i know it's not his fault because his ride didn't come.) but still it freakin upsets me. i mean jesus, school is starting in 3 damn days. it sucks. oh well.
i went shopping for some school clothes today. haha me and kelly shoplifted. (hahaha kelly) god, it was great. lets see.. i still have to get a couple more pair of pants, a new purse, some underware/bras/socks and some odds and ends. my moms dropping jim and i off at centry three today or maybe tomorrow, so i can get the rest of my shit. ahh i can't belive school is almost here! god, it makes me feel like shit. another year is gone.
in a happier note, on the 29th- it'll be 9 months for jim and i. aww, i can't believe it's been that long.. i love him more and more each day. =D even though we fight sometimes, it's okay. I love him.
random picture of the day:
-x|x- jena
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2003 23 August :: 2.32am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: mudvayne - world so cold
just rambling
so um jim didn't come over yesterday.. i guess he just wanted to stay home for a night, or something. but he just didn't want to come over.. so, i couldn't give him the food i brought home for him from the resturaunt we went to yesterday.. but it's still in the fridge, so i guess if he comes out sometime today he can eat it.. if someone else doesn't first.. but my mom knows not to eat it, cause i got it for jim. and dustins not home.. so i don't really think anyone will eat it. but i don't know.
i went over kellys about 2 hours ago, and we watched a movie.. i think it was called 'the marrying man' or something? i don't really remember. but oh well. it doesn't really matter. so i got back over here a little bit ago, and i just came in, turned on my stereo and sat at my computer. in less than a second, i was crying.. [yeah, i bet you think that i'm stupid.] but i just really seriously miss jim. i don't know what came over me. i mean, yeah i do miss him when he's not here, but i usually don't cry. i just saw him yesterday.. i mean i stayed over his house. so i was with him the day before, but i don't know what came over me like i said. so i called him, and woke him up and just said hey.. i just wanted to hear his voice. god i really do love him more and more each day..
i really hope he comes over tomorrow.. i seriously miss him. =( i don't know what i'm going to do when school starts, it's going to be rough. i hope he gets his license soon.. so he can drive out to my house all the time. beacuse it's going to kill me not to see him for almost a whole week except for in school.. i doubt we'll have any classes together. ahh, i don't know what i'm going to do. it's going to suck so much.
ahh school. starts in four more days god. i'd much rather kill myself than go back to that hell hole and be around everyone again. god it makes me hate people even more. i don't know.
it seems i don't know about a lot of things. i've said "i don't know" about a zillion times. jeeze. who cares.
looks it's me.
..
"I have taken the broken shards of my heart and pounded them to dust. I place each precious piece in my hand and let the wind blow them in hopes you will catch them and make me whole."
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