Childhood is a fucking TRIP! @_@
Heyoooo again strange, beautiful world that is woohu!!

It has been... WAY too long since I've come to visit. I've been meaning to for months, but every time I actually sat down to do it, I was like... "Why? I really don't have anything to say."

But that's a lie. Anyone who knows me knows that I never have nothing to say~ xD I just usually have ZERO spoons left by the time I want to do it T^T I need to remember how to just... word vomit like I used to. So this is me... trying... I'm getting there ^^;;

Before writing this, I did something fun. So I have an ooooold jewelry box that's been sitting in my office for... probably years at this point, ever since I pulled it down from a box in the attic. And it's FULL of old notes from over TWO decades ago.

Actual footage of me:


Anyway, apart from making me feel ancient, it was such a hoot going through them. From what I can tell, most of these notes are from middle school, mostly 7th grade and a few very early 8th grade. Safe to say, these are the notes of a girl who had DEFINITELY not been kissed yet. lmao!

They made me laugh and smile, but they were also bittersweet. I miss the days of writing notes to friends. Though it's hilarious because, even then... most of the time we had NOTHING to freakin' talk about. So many of these notes were like "I'm soooo bored in class, what's up, nmh here, okay g2g byeeee" Like... we just didn't care if we had a point xD

Do kids even write notes to each other at that age anymore? Or is everything just digital and social media now?

It makes me really want to start writing letters or something to kind of capture that old feeling of actually physically corresponding with people. There's just something different about it. It's a feeling of actually wanting to connect with people, rather than feeling obligated to.

Yeah... I'm gonna do it. Plus, I got a cute little witchy wax seal stamp that's just dying to get used x3

It's also both heartbreaking and heartwarming seeing the handwriting of friends who have passed away... I still regret the fact that I never really got to reconnect more with Brittany before she passed, but I'm grateful at least that I got to spend more time with Jessie. I learned not to make that mistake again. I still can't believe that her dad could still recognize me at the funeral after all these years :')

It's weird seeing this young version of myself who had so many... 'friends'. The childhood concept of friends, anyway. Like... even reading the stuff I wrote on some of these notes, I was like "1. how could no one tell that I was autistic as FUUUUUCK?, and 2. why did any of these people talk to me?" XD I was so single-minded, usually on a boy or a fandom of mine.

I hope all the people who wrote these notes with me are doing well. Some of them I can't remember for shiiiiit. Others I still have as Facebook friends so I at least get a hint of what they're up to nowadays, maybe comment on a picture here and there, but we haven't directly spoken in years.

Growing up and growing apart is weird. You blink and suddenly you're 35. Some of your friends are married. Some have kids. Some aren't with us anymore. Some fell off the face of the planet. Some live right down the street and you don't even know it until you run into each other at the grocery store.

You're lucky if you have a few left that actually followed you into adulthood. I'm thankful for the ones that held onto me <3

I don't want to waste any more of my life than I already have. Whether it was drinking, self-loathing, grief... I feel like I lost a lot of time I can't get back. But I accept that, and I'm ready to let it go. My sister shared a really good quote the other day, and I'm internalizing it. "You can't give your life more time, but you can give your time more life" Because, as Normandie once said "Comme des fleur, nous fanons~"

I don't want to fade out living a life half-assed. I don't have to live my life like anyone else does, or to anyone else's 'standards', but I do want to live my life like... well, me.

Looking back on all those notes might have made me cringe, but I also saw passion. A passion for art and love and life in general that I lost for many years.

The last time I think I was consistently passionate about something was back in the mid-2010s, when I was actively going to conventions, cosplaying, crafting, making kandi to trade with people at raves, and overall just spreading my wings and meeting new people, making new friends, and figuring out who I wanted to be.

Unfortunately, I was also struggling with a lot of inner demons. I hit rock bottom somewhere in 2017, and wallowed there until 2019. Just as I was ready to get back to living... Hellooooo 2020 quarantine~ Had a bit of a nervous breakdown in 2021... Learned to figuratively walk again in 2022... Went off the rails a bit in 2023... Lol, just wait for THAT dating update XD

Overall, it's been 5 years of steadily pushing forward, climbing a metaphorical mountain in my head, and learning that... that's just LIFE. It's always going to be up and down. Being happy is a daily choice to see the good when otherwise, you could just let yourself drown in the misery. But also remembering that it's okay for a day to just fucking SUCK XD Cozy up, watch a favorite movie, eat something yummy without guilt, and try again tomorrow <3

Teenage me had dreams, and little by little, I feel myself starting to dream again... :')

Also, LOL at my last entry. Fucking Jay who?? I forgot that guy ever even existed, legit XD

Je t'aime...