I'm an idiot.
And I should just get it tattooed to my forehead at this point. OTL

I figure I've already driven enough people crazy talking about this so... hello woohu~ It's been a minute, hasn't it? I could go on about the sad state of the world, but we'd be here all day. Plus, why complain about something that affects billions of people when I could whine self-centeredly about my insignificant problems to the void?

So there's this guy. We'll call him Jake. Because his name is Jake. xD And he's... infuriating, to put it mildly. :D Or maybe he's not. Maybe the way my brain works when it comes to him is what's REALLY irritating.

I hate it. I hate that when we first started talking, there was an immediate connection that I can't ignore. I hate that he made me feel... special? I'm not an idiot. I KNOW I'm special. I KNOW I'm an awesome person. But for the first time in a long time, just being myself with someone new garnered such an amazing response. He was THRILLED with who I was, and I was thrilled to feel it.

Now I hate that that feeling disappeared seemingly overnight. What was once "you're something else", "you're so witty", "you're so cute", "you're the yin to my yang", and "where have you been all my life?" is now selective responses, no signs of affection, days without communication. It's like a burning fire that just turned to ice.

Every day for weeks, I've said that I was done. I've felt like I was pursuing a connection with someone who, even on a friend level, has been putting forth little to no effort to get to know me on a deeper level, and who probably wouldn't even notice if I just stopped responding altogether and disappeared from his life.

Of course, then my logical brain kicks in and goes "well, duh, you've only known each other for roughly two months, and you've never spoken apart from texting. YOU'RE the weirdo for giving such a damn." And it's true. And it's maddening. >.>

So I say "that's it, I'm done. He's not worth it." and try to go about my life. I distance myself and vow not to respond to any more messages, but every time he comes back around and I forgive him, even if only for long enough to respond to said messages so that I can inevitably be cast aside and ignored even more.

And I KNOW it's stupid. That's the worst part. I'm watching myself make a damn fool out of myself KNOWING that I'm an idiot for doing it. KNOWING that he's not worth my time or care. I talk to other people who seem kind, funny, genuine - so many of the same traits I saw in him in the beginning. Yet they can't hold my interest for more than five minutes because I find myself wishing I were talking to him instead.

UGH. It's... awful. Worst of all is that I feel like I can't even say anything. I'm so intent on putting out that perfect face of mine, the one who isn't so complicated, who doesn't feel things on a stupidly deep level all the time, who won't get easily offended or make a big deal out of stupid things, who can just go with the flow and laugh it off and be all the positive, fun things without taking everything too seriously. I CAN be those things, sure, but he makes it hard to be genuine.

I just want to shake him and be like "dude... what the hell? why am I even here?" Like... am I just a good time waste or what? I thought the point of getting to know people and making new friends was... I don't know... getting to KNOW people? For finding me so damn spiffy in the beginning, he sure doesn't seem to give a fuck now.

I want to say something but just don't know how without being "that girl". It's dumb to think like that, I know, but it doesn't change it. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to shut off my phone. I want to delete him from my life. I want... *sigh* Matt. Is that also stupid? That's also stupid. FUCK.

Why do I always get attached to people who couldn't give a fuck less about me? You'd think I just crave the sensation of crashing and burning. My heart is a stupid bitch.

Je t'aime...