L'amour...

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L'amour...

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:: 2019 19 June :: 6.28am

3 days until the really adventure starts

feels like an eternity, I just want to run away now.

been eating like shit, feeling like shit, trying to remain positive. so exhausting "looking on the sunny side" all the time... but it's made a difference I guess.

good robot human unit, ya did good cold unfeeling robot arm. learned some stuff about other robot units at work... can I just say if that particular unit cannot take feedback/constructive criticism from people who only want them to succeed, I can only imagine the nightmare of being married to them...

or maybe they are this way due to their relationship, maybe the SO was constantly berating and criticizing them, so now that they are free, the habit dies hard.

I can't say I'm much different... I can't seem to trust anyone. I can't please myself over others. I can't say no when I want to without endless writhing guilt.

you make me feel lonely. you make me feel unimportant and insignificant. you make me feel trapped.

:: 2019 13 June :: 11.23pm

tomorrow is the big day... when I find out if I got the training job. I'm so nervous I can't sleep is like Christmas Eve when all you can think about is how your parents had to have gotten you that kitten this year is the year..... but deep down you know there is no kitten.

I am trying to remain optimistic. that my trip to Canada with emy will be a celebration vacation rather than that of defeat... I'm so excited getting pedicures then staying in a restort for a few days right on the ocean. I miss the ocean, I need the ocean again. I just hope this time I come back feeling better, because something has to give.

I just hope it isn't me.

now I just need to learn how to love someone again, and trust him, but it's just so damn hard to not be scared that I'm going to be hurt again

you make me cry sometimes baby and I wish ... I could move you like you move me sometimes ...

Oh, honey I'm worried 'bout you
You're too much to lose
You're all that I have
And, honey I'm worried 'bout you
Put yourself in my shoes
You're all that I have so please don't die
Wherever you are tonight

3 <3 | Je t'aime...

:: 2019 4 June :: 9.33pm

finally listening to the taking back Sunday album I thought I was buying when I drunkenly bought that all American rejects album

that's the good shit

:: 2019 4 June :: 1.27pm

this happens every month
where I just fill up with every negative emotions I bury deep down
and every sad song is about me
and I feel so alone

desolate and isolated stuck on an island of my own design

I was hoping these pills would make me a zombie but all they do is make me an ifrit

:: 2019 27 May :: 9.06pm
:: Mood: crazy
:: Music: "Shape Of You" by Ed Sheeran

Just so you know...
I'm happy for you.
Truly.
♥

:: 2019 8 May :: 6.43am

update to favorite word list:

skin
mirror
ephemeral
wrinkle wrinkly wrinkles wrinkled

:: 2019 22 April :: 8.04am

I'm so confused and I'm not sure what to do. I could listen to half of my heart, the other half, anyone of my friends or family... my brain.

I just don't know which to trust. heart and brain have a bad track record. friends and family are selfishly driven.

have an appointment with a counselor on the 10th and starting Zoloft to help with the depression. Doctor appointment on the 14th as well. pap smear (first one since 2015). been putting it off cuz my doctor o
is too young and too cute. feels like getting my hood pierced all over again XD

things will be ok and work out. whatever happens at least I still have myself. right?

:: 2019 17 April :: 7.03pm
:: Mood: bouncy

I'm on a roll today o_o
Hello ~~adoring public~~ ~~friends~~ random people on the interwebs! I hope the day finds you of strong and sturdy health. Or... something like that? xD

I come to you today with news. News? No, not really. I've stepped back into my woohu shoes just to bring the world an update of my life. I could make like all the cool kids now-a-days and just post about it on Snapchat I suppose... but come on, you know as well as I do that that just ain't how Squallet flies. ;3

Also, update. Apparently Squallet flies! o:

So! As I was saying! *blows dust off the corners of the page* (Psst! I'm about to say that not much has changed... but don't be bamboozled! I'm one tricky fox! D:) Not much has changed! ;)

First and foremost, some crazy man has finally made an honest woman of me... pfft... honest woman. xD But in all seriousness, yush. Through all the sleepless nights and craziness of planning, we had our dream wedding, and it was absolutely perfect! ♥

People were telling us for weeks how much fun they had, and really, that was my biggest hope for it. That and, you know, hoping I didn't break an ankle in my heels. I came close, but I chose instead to interrupt the entire ceremony to remove the shoes. And dear gods, how many people told me that was their favorite part... xD

Long story short! I know that the wedding is supposed to be about my partner and me and celebrating our love, but both of us aren't big on being the center of attention, and really, we just wanted to have one big, awesome, fun party with our loved ones! :3

I'M GETTING PULLED AWAY, ONOES!!! Oh well, food beckons. I shall return to finish! ... Later... xD Until then, keep it rocking!

EDIT: I never made it back to update. Oops. XD

~Squallet

:: 2019 9 April :: 8.44am

my shiney teeth that sparkle just like the stars on space

saw the dentist for the first time in 4 years, no cavities, and both the hygienist and doctor said they were beautiful! and the receptionist was surprised how fast my appointment went

I would like to than my electric toothbrush and the humble floss. I eat so much candy, and I hardly ever brush, but when I do I floss, and sometimes I just floss and that's it... idk flossing is just so fun seeing the stuff that comes out from in between... and then you brush them and it feels like you can breathe again.

it's like if nothing else is in control, I can at least get really stoned and brush my teeth and feel like I am the one driving the bus.

:: 2019 7 April :: 9.09am

who's going to hold you as the world falls apart?

no one, apparently.

just freefalling until the ground rises to meet this empty husk.

:: 2019 7 April :: 8.48am

jamais je ne t'oublierai
this is my whole life...

https://youtu.be/U2WDdccgaDY

:: 2019 26 March :: 8.01am

for the night is dark & full of terrors

it's true there and it's true here

:: 2019 25 March :: 6.54am
:: Mood: exhausted

said what I needed to say, without being overly cruel about it.. it felt good to get it off my chest. for some reason, though, I didn't feel the sense of resolution I was hoping for afterwards. hopefully it comes later.

have the day off cuz I was going to go to a concert last night, didn't end up going because my spine hates me, but I am still going to keep the day off I think. have secret plans for the Xmas tree (which is still up btw)

I want to repack all my stuff, but it is going to be boring and slow without company (and probably why I did such a shitty job in the first place). want to donate what I can and just pare down my shit. clean my nest of a room... I miss having friends who come over.

I've been bad about yoga. it helped a lot when I was doing it, then I got this new schedule and it's been difficult adjusting. plus I've been eating a lot of dairy and that does not help either.

anyway, I'm happy feeling glad I've got sunshine in a bag I'm useless, but not for long the future is coming on

:: 2019 21 March :: 6.01am

I don't feel like your equal I feel like your mom

:: 2019 19 March :: 9.41pm

Money may be the husk of many things but not the kernel. It brings you food, but not appetite; medicine, but not health; acquaintances, but not friends; servants, but not loyalty; days of joy, but not peace or happiness. -Henrik Ibsen

:: 2019 13 March :: 10.48am

I just need someone to talk to.
but I'm a shitty broken record no one wants to talk to.

I do honestly think everyone would be better off if I was alone. I already feel so fucking alone.

2 <3 | Je t'aime...

:: 2019 6 March :: 8.47am
:: Mood: empty

https://youtu.be/nxg4C365LbQ

Daylight
In bad dreams
In a cool world
Full of cruel things
Hang tight
All you
Nothing like a big bad bridge
To go burning through

:: 2019 4 March :: 9.00am

I just need a lil empathy

I just need a friend who will come over to my house.

I just want to not feel alone and uncomfortable.

:: 2019 28 February :: 11.40am

violently treading water to keep my lungs filled with air

never realized it was my own tears I am drowning in

I just need a life preserver tossed out here. but the boat is too far away and no one knows what a life preserver looks like.

I'll be ok. I'll be ok I'll be ok.im always ok.

:: 2019 22 February :: 12.09am

rewatching JoJo's bizarre adventure because I remember next to nothing about the first season and after watching a bunch of round about memes I had to watch it

I love this show. I should read the manga

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