L'amour...

:: 2018 3 May :: 4.06pm

honestly, I'm never completely honest.

:: 2018 27 April :: 7.09am

heading to Seattle this weekend to visit my best Frome I am so excited! last time I saw her we went to her best friends memorial at the state park it was very sad... this will be more fun!

we are going to explore whidby island! I've always wanted to go but never was able to. we are going with some mutual friends and their adorable twin daughters. I made some macarons which I need to ship off today, but the extras I'm bringing with (not that we need more sugar she went crazy getting me candyyyyyy)

my sweetie got a 2018 wrx, I have driven it once and I'm really jealous but..... I love my 35 mpg way more than his however many horses haha

maybe I'm too much if a grandma but being a passenger is scary. especially in the back seat.

:: 2018 23 April :: 11.46pm

all I really need right this moment is an encouraging word or a friendly face.

I just want someone to see me.

I feel so utterly and totally invisible.

:: 2018 14 April :: 9.00am

this birthday has been shit.

I want this to be my last birthday.

there isn't anything in the world worth this much pain.

:: 2018 6 April :: 11.58am

Easter dinner was delicious I will post photos soon...

So glad it's Friday, I wish the weekend would last forever... I need a permanent vacation

4 <3 | Je t'aime...

:: 2018 30 March :: 4.11pm

Everything is ok

:: 2018 23 March :: 7.10pm

I fucking LOVE Easter because my mom always makes my favorite dish: minty potatoes.

I know it sounds weird, but imagine small red potatoes with the center peel taken out of the skin, then cook until soft and mix with a metric fuck ton of fresh garlic and fresh mint and hella butter. It's all my favorite things in one dish plus mint! And then you put all the salt on. It's heaven.

This year is a special Easter because it also is my very special friend Jay's birthday! Turning the big 24! So proud of you man! Keep fighting the good fight and keep a stiff upper lip! Pip pip cheerio hip hip huzzah!

:: 2018 23 March :: 7.19am

To the fuck head using a pneumatic machine at 7am:

FUCK YOU SOME PEOPLE SLEEP IN THE FUCKING MORNING THERE IS NO SHOW WHATEVER IT IS YOU ARE DOING CAN WAIT 1 MOTHER LOVING HOUR >:(

:: 2018 21 March :: 9.51pm

love is this thing I've been chasing ever since my childhood. I keep putting my heart into people, imagining that one of them will put me as number one, put me on a pedestal and let me still be independent.

I have been asking for space, but also suffocating attention. My childhood was taken from me, and my emotions are all fucked up. But I finally had this moment of clarity...

Maybe my second relationship would have worked out if I had just stayed in college. If I had valued that stupid worthless piece of paper over my dillusional image of what love is.

Love isn't noble or pure, just or heavenly. I haven't really believed in it for a long time, but it's still something I crave. I my relationship I can feel the same feelings that love is in my heart, and I suppose it is still love... My mind just warps it into this cynical and painful experience where nothing is ever good enough.

I'm never good enough
They never read my mind well enough
I cant even read my mind well enough to know what I need or want

I just want to feel important to you. But first I need to feel important to myself.

:: 2018 21 March :: 9.03pm

Ate two medicated cookies before my drive home from work,they hit me maybe half an hour after I got home, I fell into a hole.

Edibles are always too much for me. I don't know why, maybe I just underestimate their power... Maybe they just hate me.

Maybe I just got some that were really strong, the distillate didn't blend into the icing well so it turned out really random, some are weak and some will make you get lost in a hole!

:: 2018 19 March :: 10.00pm

soon my work raise will hit

If they offer OT I'm taking it as much as that place removes my soul and consumes it while I watch in terror I really need to get serious about making some cash

FUCKING 1%ERS CAN KISS MY ASS

:: 2018 16 March :: 10.12pm

If I ever start balding I'm going to shave my head and have a giant eyeball tattooed on the back of my head and make it so it follows you everywhere you go

2 <3 | Je t'aime...

:: 2018 13 March :: 9.58am

Sometimes I will sit at my desk at work and look at my waterfall background and pretend the white noise machine is the creek with the waterfall rushing through the wet Pacific rainforest

:: 2018 12 March :: 8.10pm

Finally got an RX for glasses

Only one in the family who is farsighted hahaha

:: 2018 9 March :: 7.05pm
:: Mood: disappointed

Sometimes the people closest to us are the ones who make us feel the most alone.

:: 2018 9 March :: 9.39am

I got a good girl ear rub

First time I've been that good

And I was a Looney toon

:: 2018 8 March :: 8.39am
:: Music: Portugal. The man

You don't need sympathy
They got a pill for everything
Just take that dark cloud
Ring it out to wash em down

:: 2018 8 March :: 12.19am

I have two little dogs. The smaller girl dog always humps the bigger boy dog's head when she gets excited. My dad came up with a new nick name for him: fuck face. I ask so does that make hers fucker?

:: 2018 6 March :: 10.18pm

Shit is too hard sometimes
Other people are challenging
I don't like feeling like an asshole and I don't like making the people I love out to be them
It is PTSD I have been diagnosed with it by every doctor I've seen
I know bad things happened too you too, but your triggers aren't being in a relationship and men who look a certain way

Not that one person's trauma is worse than the others, I guess I just can simply say I'm doing the best I can, I do have a hard time communicating but that is also a two way street.

I said I wouldn't be easy. And I said it's ok to leave if it's too hard. I still say the same thing. I just also know I am a good kind hearted person and I do always try to do what's right and what's in everyone's best interest (even at the cost of myself). I just sometimes lose my mind and can't handle being a human being.

I am hoping a large part of the problems are from stress due to depression and winter and work. I need something new and exciting.

:: 2018 6 March :: 11.41am

Found an Xmas pic of you. You still look like a hideous monster.

I feel left behind.. not sure by who or what. I feel like I'm out of time,out of phase, shifting to the blue spectrum with high frequency panic electricity in my veins.