L'amour...

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L'amour...

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:: 2018 22 January :: 6.49pm

Big birthday plans for a special work friend

I'm kinda hoping she's kinda underwhelmed with the stuff and then when she comes back she's hella surprised!!

But I didn't want ta make her too sad that we "forgot" her birthday so I'm bringing french macarons and we got her a beautiful card and some flowers... Then on Wednesday she'll have 12 rainbow balloons 2 unicorn balloons and a desk covered in streamers and confetti!

I don't usually go too far out, but we always kinda forget her birthday when she always goes all out for our birthdays... I love her so much, and her family doesn't appreciate her like they should! So I want her to feel appreciated at least once this year!!

2 <3 | Je t'aime...

:: 2018 10 January :: 7.31pm

Watching the land before time, not even 10 minutes in and I'm all ready bawling

Brings back a flood of memories... What would my life be like if all that stuff never happened to me... Who would I be without little foot?

The sense of loss is definable now, back then I resonated so strongly with this movie.. growing up way too fast, but never losing the kindness inside.

Now I'm a hedgehog, prickly with you get too close. I'm hard to hold and even more difficult to grab onto

Impossible to keep close...

I just wish I could go back and do it over again without everything else. I don't think I would be very different. Maybe I'd just be better.

:: 2018 10 January :: 6.47pm

feeling small and a million miles away

I just want to shrink until I cease to exist

The thickest dirt and the darkest mud
Deepest charcoal soot and dirt
Mix up the ashes until I disappear

No warrior no Amazon no savior
Just weak and pathetic
Minimalist imprints breathless walking

Leave me behind and forget
I am gone

:: 2018 10 January :: 7.53am

I've been sleeping a lot lately, but not the nice restful kind, rather the kind where you just spin all night then wake up 2 hours early and can't get back to sleep.

I'm sad today. I just want to hide under a rock and pretend I don't exist. Hopefully I get an early out today.

My last check was $200 short, which hurt a little, but it's nice not having to worry about rent or a car payment. What are student loans going to do? Rape me and steal my dog? Well maybe with this new president.... Should I worry? Haha

But 2 appointments with my therapist costs about $200 and having so much time away from work has really helped my mental health lately. More than seeing my therapist, so I'll take the loss and mark it as a win.

I just have to say, after spending close to $500 on gifts for my sweetie for Xmas if he doesn't get me a good damned bathrobe for a super late gift I'm going to he so mad.

:: 2018 2 January :: 8.46am

I hate feeling like a conspiracy theorist but the older I get the harder it is to ignore that every problem in America was and is manufactured by the government/the wealthy to keep the masses controlled, weak and leached of any resources.

1 <3 | Je t'aime...

:: 2017 31 December :: 8.28am

there ain't nothing better than blowing smoke screens into sunbeams on a lazy weekend morning

:: 2017 30 December :: 7.34am

Discovering my dairy allergy has been the single most depressing thing that has happened to me in a while.

I miss cheese. And eating food like a normal human being. I miss not waking up to a nuclear holocaust in my GI tract for having some cheese & cream sauce.

I miss cream cheese on bagels
I miss cheese bagels
I miss food.

:: 2017 18 December :: 10.53pm
:: Mood: pensive

Freedom is what you do with what is done to you.

1 <3 | Je t'aime...

:: 2017 18 December :: 10.59am

When I say the bridge is burned it stays fucking burned

When I say things are over they are over.

If you all want to waste your time worrying about what I'm doing, help yourself, but I don't give a fuck about you or what you think.

Leave me the fuck alone.

:: 2017 3 December :: 12.58am

You insist I stay home when you go out to have fun

Makes me feel like I'm the secret

:: 2017 2 December :: 9.48am

when the puzzle is made of squares and you are a hideously deformed circle piece

:: 2017 30 November :: 12.06am

the warm embrace of a friend

3 <3 | Je t'aime...

:: 2017 28 November :: 12.50am

Please don't make it 3

:: 2017 23 November :: 10.52pm

I try to be sweet and loving and caring and helpful and yet I ALWAYS manage to ruin the night by being a psychotic bitch

Im not made to live on this planet. Im not made to love other humans. Im just worthless. A sack of shit. A piece of useless garbage.

Same as I always have been same as I always will be. You can't change the core of a person, only the nuances surrounding them. I give up.

:: 2017 22 November :: 12.14am

I just want a stupid smoke

But no lighter no matches no flint stone

No nothing

>:(

:: 2017 16 November :: 6.53am

My least favorite way to be woken up is by phone call

:: 2017 6 November :: 3.08pm

I hope it still hurts

The hole I made in your heart the day I left

:: 2017 1 November :: 2.07pm

So so tired of existing

:: 2017 31 October :: 10.35pm

Sometimes you make me wish I could disappear

It not that I don't listen to you because I do, I just have a hard time piecing things together about people

Maybe it's just me being selfish maybe I feel like you never listen to me either

Maybe nothing really matters and everything is just a big old fucking waste of time we all end up dead anyway

:: 2017 30 October :: 2.13pm

i hate that you love them so much. the stories related to me don't inspire trust or confidence and i find myself reaching to make connections that aren't there.

where does this loyalty come from?
why are these drug addicts so important?

but there's no way to talk to you about it. and there's no way to express my feelings without sounding like a dumb jealous cunt.

but i can't see their value in your mind, i can't even see their value to society.

but they are probably right. i suck. i'm fat and ugly and stupid. a waste of time. just like they are to me.

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