L'amour...

:: 2013 23 November :: 12.54pm

I love orgasms. I can't understand not liking them. How is that possible?

:: 2013 23 November :: 12.16am

I'm drunk.

I'm lonely.

I just.. Want some cuddles.

:: 2013 22 November :: 7.34am

One embarrassing moment and all the negative shit in my head starts snowballing down a spiral in my mind. And now I'm in a terrible mood. All I want to do is listen to music and sleep all day.

What's worse is it seems like every single person I interact with on a daily basis hates themselves, and are very vocal about it. It brings me down. There's only so much encouraging and complimenting I can do before is just have to say fuck it and be angry.

Why is life so frustrating?

:: 2013 20 November :: 9.05am

Sometimes everything just feels bad. Today is on of those times.

I just want to go back to bed and go to tomorrow.

:: 2013 19 November :: 6.40am

Just don't let me down.. Haha

New apartment is fantastic! Tho I do miss my family :( way harder to move out this time than last!

:: 2013 15 November :: 10.17pm

Moving day tomorrow!! So excited I can't sleep!! (It could also be the 4 shots of white espresso and the liter of my dew....)

:: 2013 13 November :: 7.20pm

I am so happy. And sober. It's fantastic.

squallet

:: 2013 13 November :: 5.53pm
:: Mood: broken
:: Music: "Save Me Once Again" by The Rasmus

I can't do this anymore...
I'm completely broken. I don't remember how it feels to be wanted. To just feel good enough. I feel suffocated... I feel dead... I feel like everything good is gone... :'(

:: 2013 11 November :: 10.08pm

Why does weed have to be so good? And make everything better?

I wish I didn't need it to happily exist.

:: 2013 11 November :: 2.42pm

Got prescribed some pills in addition to what I'm already taking. So far I've been sleeping a lot and feeling distracted.

I'm itching to move my stuff into the apartment, but I don't have all the keys I need to get inside. So I'm essentially locked out of my apartment! Poop.

I have a lot of emotions going on right now, primarily negative. If possible, I'm beginning to be even more bitter and cynical than before. And I hate it.

I really wish I had never been born. Just not ever exist.

:: 2013 10 November :: 9.33am

So the thing with Andy is over. And it's not that I expected anything more out of it than sex and a buddy, but fuck that guy has zero tact and is really a complete douche bag. I made sure he won't contact me again, once this new girl finds out how much of an ass hat he is.

But some of the things he said after I made him angry gave my ego a hard hit. I know he was just trying to hurt me and the things he said weren't true, but having an already shitty level of self-esteem, it shook me. It undid a lot of effort I put into feeling like some people actually enjoy being around me.

With all the awesome stuff going on right now - moving, friends, done with school, etc. - I'm trying not to let this get too deep under my skin. I'm just frustrated and upset. I hate feeling this way.

:: 2013 8 November :: 3.19pm

It's Friday! And my boss taught me a new acronym:

FOIF

Fuck off it's Friday. It's my new favorite!

I get the keys to my apartment today! After, there will be waffles and booze with teh lala and Laura! Whoop!!

:: 2013 7 November :: 8.18pm

i love you much (most beautiful darling)
more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky
—sunlight and singing welcome your coming
although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess
(except my life) the true time of year—
and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing (or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone's heart at your each
nearness) everyone certainly would (my
most beautiful darling) believe in nothing but love

-- e.e. cummings

:: 2013 6 November :: 6.26pm

Done with my AA program. I'm happy I'm done, but it's pretty underwhelming.

:: 2013 4 November :: 10.25pm

Setting with my first real crush/heart break? Yes, please!!

:: 2013 4 November :: 8.40pm
:: Mood: aggravated

This essay needs to just fucking write itself. fuck.

I chatted with one of the first boys I never had a huge crush on in my young tween/teen life. He's apparently in a open/poly relationship with an adorable woman and enjoys drawing naked women and smoking weed. It's like.. all my dreams came true haha

It's just weird how people turned out. I feel so lame, living the life I do.

I just wish I had more fun and less responsibility. Or I just didn't worry about being responsible so much. Maybe next weekend I'll just go and do something irresponsible. Maybe that will help.

:: 2013 3 November :: 10.36am

I hate that I'm someone who needs to drink or get high to feel ok with how I am. I hate how depressed I feel despite taking medicine for it. I hate that in order for pills to work, I have to take ones that make me gain weight. I hate that when I gain weight I feel even more insecure about myself, surrounded by friends who are equally as judgmental about their bodies and hateful towards their imperfections.

Really, I am convinced that because I'm fat I'll never be happy. This makes me depressed, which causes me to be ridiculously unmotivated to do anything besides drink and get high, thus adding to the cycle of weight gain.

What makes it even worse is when I was thin, I was still convinced I was fat and undeserving of love. So what's the solution? I've done therapy, pills, weigh loss and gain, religion, no religion. I'm still fucking miserable. The future is looking dismal, and I really don't know what the other option is. Misery or death? Life is a lose-lose people.

On top of these personal struggles, I seem to constantly and consistently hurt and piss off others. Not intentionally, just through doing stuff in my life. I get used by men, I use men. I just hate every aspect of life. Not just mine, but all lives. It all just fucking sucks.

:: 2013 2 November :: 10.20pm
:: Mood: Defeated

Most of the time, you just can't win.

:: 2013 30 October :: 8.44pm
:: Mood: Ravenous

I want to fuck you like an animal.

2 <3 | Je t'aime...

:: 2013 29 October :: 9.25pm
:: Mood: weird

It always makes me feel uncomfortable how normal most of the kids I grew up with turned out..