godessalthena
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2013 6 September :: 6.21am
:: Mood: loved
The mornings where Bjorne sits on my lap are always the best mornings <3
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godessalthena
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2013 5 September :: 9.03pm
watching people do e, makes me want to do it SO BAD.
but in all honesty, i'll probably never do it again. my meds cancel out any effects they may have, and i can't function without them so.. give up a temporary awesomeness for sustainable ok-ness.
the anniversary party is a very depressing movie. i'm having a hard time believing that relationships are worth it. but i also miss having one. but it was shitty too.
meh. more sex is the answer. it always is.
Je t'aime...
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godessalthena
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2013 4 September :: 6.11am
On day 3 of this horrid sore throat. I'm not even sure how I caught it. No one else has it, and I haven't given it to anyone yet, but fuck it hurts.
This weekend was awesome! I swam in a lake, hiked around, floated down the river, shotgunned my first beer, went to Pig Out for the first time, and lost 3 lbs while doing all that jazz!
It was a very good final weekend to summer. Now I'm so ready for things to cool off and I get to wear layers again.
I think I'm going to dye my hair my natural color and just let it grow. As much as I hate conforming to gender stereotypes, I also hate people thinking I'm a lesbian because of my hair. I'm also jealous of my sister's gorgeous hair. So here's to attempt #2 in growing it out.
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godessalthena
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2013 31 August :: 11.27am
I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.
Can I just be stoned for the rest of my life?
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godessalthena
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2013 29 August :: 12.03am
I think.. I need another update, because my last one lacked substance..
I'm drunk and I love it. I went to pig out intoxicated. and i met people. not super met people, but I shook hands with someone and sat there and listened to a conversation. and it was fantastic. I smiled at a bunch of people and they all reacted really well.
if only I could be like that all the time.. rather than scared, hurt and hateful of myself.
shit is shitty. fuck poop shit fuck.
Je t'aime...
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godessalthena
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2013 19 August :: 12.26am
Sex is the BEST fucking thing ever. Period. Fuck.
Je t'aime...
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godessalthena
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2013 16 August :: 2.49pm
What do you call a girl who has lots of sex?
Her name.
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godessalthena
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2013 12 August :: 5.42pm
"There is nothing more beautiful than seeing a person being themselves. Imagine going through your day being unapologetically you."
— Steve Maraboli
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godessalthena
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2013 12 August :: 6.01am
I'm trying hard not to feel depressed. But it seems like every day it gets a little worse. I need to call that counselor my doctor recommended. I just feel so confused, and lost. And alone.
I just want things that I know I can never have. And I want things to have gone differently. But there's no use crying over misspelt silk.
I just.. I have so radically changed everything about myself. I think it's causing me to be confused. But where do I start unraveling myself?
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godessalthena
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2013 9 August :: 6.20am
I think the reason why I hold on so ferociously to my physical appearance (brightly colored, funky cut, blonde hair) is because it is often the closest ideal to knowing who I am. It's so real and tangible, there's a great deal of comfort having an external identity. Maybe building myself from the outside in isn't the best way to go about it, maybe it is, but I feel like the way I look is a compass for my heart.
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godessalthena
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2013 8 August :: 7.11am
Yesterday I hung out with Lauren. Laying on my bed talking about a boy. And it was a moment that made my life.
I want more moments like that. Where I feel good, happy, loved and interesting.
On my drive to work today all I wanted to do is punch Samie in the face. I'm exhausted from how we just fucking fight all the time about the most petty things. I can't even fucking talk to her without feeling diminished and belittled.
I need an out.
2 <3 |
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godessalthena
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2013 7 August :: 7.13am
Our 5 year anniversary would be around now and while it's for the best it ended, it's still hard to lose your best friend and whole world.
I am a jumble of emotions, I'm not really sure what I should be feeling. I hate feeling so confused.
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godessalthena
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2013 6 August :: 1.47pm
I feel like I'm going to explode. WTF is wrong with me..?
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godessalthena
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2013 5 August :: 11.26am
Too much coffee + twiterpation over new cute guy = super amped up Amelia.
I feel like I'm going to explode!! I love happy distractions!
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godessalthena
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2013 3 August :: 4.03pm
Every day that goes by is a day that I go further down this hole.
Desolation. I feel like a baby in the middle of the Sahara, naked and alone. It is only a matter of time until I expire, and no one will know the difference. My body will be desiccated, my memory will slip away like the dunes, and that will be it. Nothing I did will have mattered, and nothing I thought or cared about will matter.
Nothing matters. This concept just eats away at my psyche. I don't matter. My job doesn't matter. My relationships, dreams, hopes, fears. None of it has any meaning. There is no reason for all of this. This is all there is, and there will never be anything more. Maybe I could get by with it. That's not the most terrible thought in my life.
What destroys me is how unimportant I am. At work I am just another face. No one cares what I do, what my name is. And every day I get another claim on my desk where someone died in a horrible manner. Or someone wants more money because they already spent all their money on drugs and they need more. And I'm just a tool, a means to an end for those people. They hang up the phone and forget I exist. They forget my name. My bosses don't know what to do with me. My coworkers can't relate to me. And so they ignore me, dismiss me, hope that I'll just keep to myself.
And I hate it. I dread going to work every day. I dread how long the day will be. I hate the weekend because I know it will end and then it will be work again. I feel like my only escape are intoxicants. I look forward to numbing my brain until I just forget how much I hate everything, and how much I wish I could disappear.
This can't be all there is. I used to believe so strongly in the "American dream". I longed to be a part of it. But the older I become, the more I realize it's a lie for our generation, and for all future generations. I don't want babies. I don't want to stop having fun. I just want to party until I die. But I don't.. because I know people will be disappointed in me, and ultimately abandon me. And I cling to what I have so tightly, I don't want to throw it away.
Who I am is so beyond lost on me. And I don't think I'll ever find her. And even if I did, what would it matter? I'm afraid I'll be just another cookie cutter person. I will be plain, normal and worthless. Just another drop in the bucket.. Like I am already.
I need a drink...
Je t'aime...
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godessalthena
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2013 1 August :: 1.07pm
Being the only single person who is also not a mother makes me feel like a complete loser.
I hate how I let people's feeling affect my happiness.. But it's so difficult to just say "fuck you" and be happy anyway.
I just want to find somewhere I feel I belong.
4 <3 |
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godessalthena
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2013 28 July :: 10.51am
My whole life experience can be summed up in 3 words...
WHAT THE FUCK.
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godessalthena
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2013 24 July :: 9.31am
I have a date today :) I'm not sure if it's a super cereal date, but it's a little date for sure!
I'm really excited, and pretty nervous. I also have no idea what to wear... Blah.
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godessalthena
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2013 16 July :: 6.51pm
I just want to take a moment and say fuck you to all the dudes who can't just be honest.
And fuck you to all the ladies that do the same.
On second thought, fuck every human being alive. Maybe if they were all getting some, they wouldn't be such assholes.
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godessalthena
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2013 8 July :: 9.44pm
In denial about who I am.
Keep finding out I'm nowhere close to as wonderful as I think I am.
I'm just a weird dork. Bland, lifeless , 9-to-5er. Old bones, fat body, no sense of purpose or direction.
I'm the zombie I never wanted to become.
And I don't know how to escape.
2 <3 |
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