i actually had a pretty good weekend..

friday- went to jims around 5 or so. his mom got home around 6:30, we watched out cold together, jims mom thought it was so funny.. =D so then a little later we ordered from kuzins- jim & i drove up to get it. we ate then i went up amys around 9:30.

saturday- i woke up around 10:30. didn't get ahold of jim til around 12 or so? i went down his house from about 4 til 8 or something. amy had to go to the hospital to work or whatever. so we just chilled at his house. later that night jim amy & i took a ride out to bentlyville to subway- then we drove around cokeburg til around 10 or so. we had so much fun- haha. that was a good night

sunday- bad day.. huh jim?

i didn't go to school today, i felt/feel like shit. i stayed up my aunts came down the house around 6:00 a.m. i went back to sleep until 6:30 [i catch the bus at 6:45] and then i woke up and just told me mom that i wanted to stay home. so she let me.. and i didn't do anything all day except go on the computer and eat soup. blah.

my aunt bettys being layed out tonight and tomorrow. my mom wanted me to go tonight- but i told her i didn't want to because i'm sick, and just don't feel like doing anything. so i'm going probably tomorrow night. i don't know, i hate those things.. :(

my paps heart rate was only 27 today.. but my aunt said it goes up and down all the time, but this is the lowest it's ever been. my gram called her son [my uncle dave] he lives in flordia. she told him that he better come up to see him.. which means he's not doing well at all. it's kinda scary to sit and watch him like that, and not be able to do anything. everyones always crying- and so am i. i know everyone has to die sometime, but it's too soon. it's too soon.

i don't think i'm going to go to amys, jims or rochelles this weekend. i don't know yet- i guess i'll see how things go with everything. i don't want to leave my pap right now.

i wish jim was here with me. i need someones shoulder to cry on..

"all the times that i felt insecure, for you. and i leave the burdens at the door. but i'm on the outside, and i'm looking in. i can see through you, see your true colors. inside you're ugly.. ugly like me."

i haven't been doing anything really, going to school coming home being with jim. [he's been at my house for about 2 weeks] going on the internet less and less. i dunno why, i guess cause jim's here and he keeps me occupied.

i got my report card.. english-74%, global studies-60% u.s. history-70% science-83% algebra-88%, advanced word processing-88%, child development-97%, health-65%. hip hip hooray?

anyways, i've been going up my aunt loraines a lot to visit them and my gram/pap. my pap still isn't doing well. i think my aunt said his pulse is only 32, and usually people don't live when it's under 50 or something along that lines. i forget what she said exactly. her and my uncle went to lancaster for their anniversary. they'll be home late tomorrow.

i think jim's going home tonight- i'm staying here til sunday then going to amys. we're going to school monday and her mom is picking us up and taking us to a Staind concert. [[i promise you jim that i won't do that. i swear on your life, and mine.]] so i'll tell everyone how that went after i come back.

i'm "getting involved" in school.. oh joy.

thats all i have for now.

xx.jena

my birthday
todays my birthday. :)

people can go shit themselves.

..i think thats the name of the song. who cares.

i sat here for about 20 minutes staring at the wall thinking about stuff. everythings always so dramatized. always.

examples:
-my birthday party last year when amy said that jim tried to hit her
-car accidents.. *cough*
-things in school
-people being "pregnant"
-me yelling at jim for nothing

and i also thought about how i love being in drama, i live for it. when nothing is going on, i make something go on.

i think i need to stop that.
but-- if i stop that, what will i do?

i guess my sister anna took my money. i got it back, and yeah.. it took us like an hour to get sam & anna to tell who took it. anna made sam not tell, but in the end "annd needed to talk to sam".. anna came out and confessed that she took it. yeah- i'm still missing a couple dollars though. my mom told me she'd just give it to me.

we got our algebra report grades back, we got a 99%. or in points we got 129/130. whoa, i really didn't expect to get that good of a grade, but i'm happy with it.

i also got Alex [the baby in child development] today, i got 100%, or in points a 50/50. oh yeah- i'm such a good mother. i have it with me right now, taking it home for 10 bonus points.. but i don't think i'll get them, because my cousins boyfriend hit the baby in the head.. err. dumby. i almost started crying though, i was so upset.

jim still hasn't called me.. i don't understand. i tried to call his dads and no one answers. if he is at home [since his fone is disconnected] why can't he walk to someones house and call me? i don't understand..

nichole & i presented our algebra project today- it was crap. we worked hard on it, and it still turns out like junk. what the hell. somethings wrong with that picture. i don't even know anymore..

in child development i get the baby tomorrow! i'm actually excited, but scared because what if i drop it or something? i don't know what i'll do. it'll hurt my grade :( and i have at least a 98% in there. damn. i know i'll do a good job. i'm bringing it home for the night for 10 bonus points. hell yeah.

i guess jim's home phone is disconnected- which really pisses me off. he should have called me- he has friends houses to go to. he can call me from other places. all i have to say is he better call me, or see hell raised.

[edit:] i have $55.00 for jims birthday present, only a couple hundred more to go.

nichole & i have to present our algebra project tomorrow. i went over her house tonight for about an 1 1/2 hours. we made the rest of the signs we needed, and practiced our skit we made up. [it's actually neat.] i do have to say- i did a good job on my poster i made for it. jim helped too.

jim went home tonight.. i miss him already though. it's hard having him over here for almost 2 weeks straight and then him just leaving like that. i got used to him being here everyday when i got home from school. it sucks.

in child development we get to carry around the fake-babies. yay. [sarcasm] i chose to bring it home and take care of it for a full 24 hours. so jim's gonna come over and help. in case it cries in the middle of the night or something he'll be up, so he'll take care of him.

nothing is really going on in my life. it doesn't suck as much as i used to think it did though- but i don't know, it's jims fault. he makes me happy :-D

immaturity
i slept in this morning, woke up at 6:30, and i catch the bus at 6:45.. hmm lets just say that i rushed. i didn't miss the bus, so i wasn't late for school or anything.

i'm sitting here in my pajamas, jim is playing his playstation game again for about the 5th time. i don't know how he plays over and over again. the same game. but he's weird. thats why i love him so much.

so many people are immature in my school- it makes the whole school look bad. and it just makes their peers look even worse to some people. today i was sitting in 8th period english, and we're reading shakespeare. one of our vocabulary words was "blunt" yeah all of the pot-heads in our class were like "hahahaha it says blunt, i know what THAT means!" ... can you be anymore stupid or immature? yeah it's okay to joke around about that, i wouldn't care.. but they kept going on and on about it. what the hell? i kept thinking about how i'll be out of that school in a little bit, then i can be away from people like them then i realized there are people like them everywhere, and no matter where i go, or what i do.. i'll never get away. that is scary to think about.

my mom made a good dinner tonight, some sorta mac&cheese thing with different kinds of cheese, ham, carrots & broccoli. it was good.

i dread school tomorrow.

xx.jena

some plans
so for my 16th birthday party i'm having a little party or whatever. my mom & i made out a list of people. we have exactly 46 friends/family that i'm going to invite- unless we think of more or whatever.. since my birthday is on jan. 27th, we're going to have the party on the 31. (the last day of jan.. how exciting! haha) so yeah, it'll be fun. i'll get some great pictures from it.

it's back to school tomorrow. damn.

nothing new
nichole came over today around 2, we did our algebra report due on monday.. i didn't think we'd get it done; because i'm a huge procrastinator.. but we did. and i'm glad. i think we're still going to make hand outs and/or crossword puzzles. we took her home at 7, came back then jim plugged in his playstation for me i beat the resident evil 2 (Leon Disk 1) then we talked for a bit, and now he's playing test drive 6.

school starts back on monday, and i'm used to going to bed at around 5 in the morning.. errr- that sucks. i'm having my mom get me up at 9:30. if i will actually get up.. i'll try.

mario came home (from over-seas) on new years eve. i'm so happy.

nothing else to say.

xx.jena

oh yeah, my new years resolution: LOSE WEIGHT!!!!!

wtf
okay, the littlest things piss me off anymore.

jim finially called me last night for the first time in 2 days. so i was really pissed off at him. all we did practicly was fight the whole time we were on the fone. --and we haven't fought for a long time-- and i told him that i thought we needed time off; and he said okay. and i said okay, then hung up. he called back probably 5 times, i didn't answer. he didn't call back again for about 5-6 minutes or so.. and i answered. i was crying, blah blah blah, no one cares. now we're okay.

i'm glad to.

so far my break has been nothing but shit. no one has come over, i really haven't gone anywhere; and jim hasn't even stayed over. which pisses me off even more. i guess he's coming over tonight [*i'll update later, to tell if he does actually come over*]

i've been sitting around the house all day doing jack shit. watched my dvd's like 50 times each. i'm just bored out of my skull. so i went out into the kitchen my mom was making a pizza or whatever- and she had peperoni sitting out and i went to pick it up [I WASN'T GOING TO EAT IT] and my mom like grabbed it off me, and i was like "i'm not going to eat it" and shes like "i know" and continues to grab it off me. wtf? that pissed me off so bad.

so basicly right now i'm pretty pissed off, bored, and lonely. but my loneliness overcomes it all.

xx.jena

merry christmas
i'm just sittin here, messin' around with my digital camera i got for christmas. aww- everyone go to my photo album.

i'll be updating my album a lot, so keep checking.

merry christmas everyone.
hope it was a good one.

<3 jena

i'm just sitting here, eating a candy cane; listening to jim. he's playing driver 2 on playstation. i'm just sittin here watchin' and talking to him. i have to go back to school on monday, that sucks. but christmas vacation starts on thursday.. thank goodness.

my pap is home from the hospital [since yesterday] which is a good thing. let's hope he stays home for a while.

5 days til christmas.
and i still have to christmas shop.

xx.jena

wishing jim was here
school was hell; as always. i came home went directly to the bank with my mom to cash a check, went home picked up the girls from the bus and my brother from down the house, we all went to see my pap in the hospital. i was supposed to go shopping with jim.. but plans changed so i called jim told him i couldn't come..

the doctor told my gram that my pap wouldn't make it out of the hospital this time. his heart is giving out. ..right before christmas.

i really don't consider myself "depressed" i just think that sometimes i get sad; like everyone else does.

but right now i am truely upset, mad, depressed and every other word there is. i just really need to be with jim to fuckin' cry on his shoulder for a while. it helps when i do that.. it really helps.

is it never ending?
i haven't been doing much lately. didn't go to school friday or today..

my pap went back into the hospital again around 7:00 tonight..

i'm almost done with christmas shopping, just a few more things.

10 days til christmas. wow.. that's not very far away.

i think i'm gonna get a shower tonight and just go to school in my pj's tomorrow.

xx.jena

"i want to be remembered as the girl who always smiled, the one who could brighten up your day, even if i couldn’t brighten my own"

stressed.
-my pap is still in the hospital
-my mom is being stupid lately, we've been "fighting" about everything
-jim sometimes forgets to call me, i get upset
-i keep pasing out (..not joking.)
-i have a whole week ahead of me with assignments due, tests etc;; and it's really stressin' me out

now for the good news..



xx.jena

everybody knows..
my pap is in the hospital again.

he's not doing well. everbody in my family knows that, but no one will openly talk about it.

why is it so hard to talk about someone dying? ..it seems to be a simple question, but it's hard to answer.

..it's just to hard to face, so we cover it up and pretend like nothing is happening; when really we're losing a huge part of ourselves.

everything's just getting worse
jim and i were supposed to go to the mall today, but his fone was busy busy busy- and i couldn't get through, so we didn't go. once again jim, thanks for basicly ditching me. 3rd day in a row.



You are the crying eye. You think nothing out
theres worth it an u just want to be alone. You
know uve been hurt 2 much wen u open ur eyes n
all u see are tears.


The type of pain ur eyes behold
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