theedgeofyouratmosphere
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2007 13 August :: 7.11pm
:: Mood: worried
I'm fucking depressed.
i just don't know what to do.
better yet i don't how to feel.
i just don't want to feel this, of what i'm feeling.
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theedgeofyouratmosphere
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2007 10 August :: 9.55pm
:: Mood: okie
:: Music: 'through glass' is on right now lol
went to the doctors for my sonogram, we couldn't see between the legs. but i got to see my baby move about. and gave me a wave lol! :)
everythings going okay, i'm going fishing tomorrow, hopefully i catch something HUGEE hah. i want to win some money, :p
cleaned the other day, and had to do it again today, gheesh and we don't do nothing! haha, i've had energy.. so i guess that's good cause shit gets done.
eee i'm blabbing..
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butterfly
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2007 9 August :: 3.24pm
:: Mood: sleepy
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Words fail me here.
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butterfly
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2007 7 August :: 10.28pm
"Life is getting harder day by day and I don't know what to do, what to think"
That's a clip from a song, a very good song, mind you, that perfectly fits my life atm.
Everything looks fine from anothers point of view apparently, Ashley and I were talking and she seemed shocked that I was close to having a break down, swearing she thought I had everything under control.
That's a problem I've become aware that I have. I don't like help, I like to keep things to myself. My whole life I've pretended to be stronger than I was because that's what my life required. My parents were too demanding and I didn't have friends to talk to, so I just kept everything inside and delt with it accordingly in ways I'm not too proud of.
But anyway, the main point here, is that everything seems to be unraveling before my eyes and it's scary. Mom and I's new relationship, one in which she isn't terrorizing my every moment of life, has already started to fail. She's become condescending and shrewd yet again, and that's put more strain on me than anything else, but I don't want to show her that she's getting to me because that's exactly what she wants to do, so it's kind of an endless loop of disaster waiting to explode.
Anyway, I lost my thought process on that one, so the main point of this is that holy fuck, I need to start packing. I was preparred to do it about 2 months ago, but now that the time actually requires it, I'm way too preoccupied with other things. No good. It's got to be done and soon so that I don't forget things that I need because mom will nag at me forever if I need them to mail me something.
Blah.
I got the name of my roommate, which reminds me that if I refer to my Residence Hall as anything but a Residence Hall, (ie dorm) I shall apparently get my fingers twisted off as in the movie Sniper starring Tom Berenger. They had this huge article on how it was NOT a dorm, for those were things of the past, and not what a Residence Hall is today. It was a "<.< >.>" moment while reading it, I assure you.
Anyway, I didn't get my roommate's phone number, and I'll assume she didn't get mine either, nor did we get each other's email addresses, so it looks like I'm writing a letter to her. Gotta figure out if I'm going to be killed in my sleep. Her name's Emily, which makes her seem normal, but you can never tell with these things.
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butterfly
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2007 1 August :: 11.09pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Promise - Eve 6
I'm finally home after a stressful week of house sitting.
I got paid $320 for it though, so no complaining.
I've got a $2,151.00 payment to make by August 15. Ball suckage.
Leaving here the 16th with my parents to drive up to Michigan. Mom want's to rent a vehicle. Her logic is that if it breaks down, they get us a new one asap, as opposed to us driving one of our vehicles up there and it breaking down and being stranded until it gets fixed which could take who knows how long.
Makes sense.
Kelly and I are good, nothing really new there. We should have a huge fight that way I can cry over it in here. That would be fun. I don't know what we would fight over though. I'll give it some thought. I can't wait to be up there and see him again though, I miss him. It was so unfair to be with him and then have to come back home for two months.
This September it will have been one year that we're together (knock on wood). It doesn't really seem like it, mainly because he was there and I was here I suppose, but still, that's big. Not quite "huge" yet, but exciting nonetheless.
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butterfly
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2007 27 July :: 11.48pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
I was checking my Ferris email, and they said that a change in my Financial Aid had been made, and I was kind of like "oh shit... I've lost money and now I'm going to be screwed."
However, I was given another scholarship for $750 which... I don't know why I was given. I am Soooo not complaining, but still, I honestly don't know why I got my birthday present so late.
I wonder if it's an annual thing... hope so.
Alright, so, I was here today, at the Price's and heard a commotion out in the goat field, grabbed the shot gun and a few shells, and ran outside. A coyote had one of the kids up at the top of the hill, so I shot up into the air, and then took off running up to it, and by the time I got there it's belly had been ripped up and it was just like... ugh, whatever, so I had to put it down. After church there was either the same one or another one out there, and I shot it. So, hopefully that'll be the end of that.
Speaking of church, tonight was the last night of Vacation Bible School. What a wonderful day it was. I was definitly tired of chasing kids around.
Anyway, that's all. I'm tired, I'm going to bed, and I've got that 'Girlfriend' song stuck in my head.
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butterfly
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2007 24 July :: 5.49pm
My neighbors, the Prices, have a goat farm. They called Sunday night and wanted to know if the kids and I would mind going up there and helping them, only they did not consult any of us, they bypassed and communicated with Teh Parentals. Of course they were more than willing to make us go do back breaking work all day.
They have been renovating a house on their property to move into it, and are atm living in a trailer. So we had to unload a trailor full of stuff for the house, and then clean out a shed, shovel goat crap out of it, and then I had to start weed eating. I honestly did it for almost 5 hours straight, and then we had to quit and go home.
Anyway, today we had to go back. Their goats have some hoof disease so I had to hold them still while they got their hooves clipped. I had to sit on a bucket and put their head over my leg and my arm behind their head so their heads were trapped, and they would get pissed and start stabbing me with their effing horns and just UGH. I'm fucking sore as hell and have tiny circular bruises all over my back from the bitch heads.
Anyway, the Prices' leave tomorrow around noon for a cruise they're going on, and I have to stay up there and fucking tend to goats and their cattle and their dogs and weed eat for the rest of my god forsaken life.
/dies.
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theedgeofyouratmosphere
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2007 23 July :: 9.06pm
:: Mood: hmm.
life is changing.
sometimes i don't know if it's for the worst or the best.
everyday life is a struggle; everythings a struggle anymore.
i remember back when nothing mattered and i didn't have a care in the world except for me playing by myself or sitting with my mom. to hanging out with friends; home every night. to being 18 and pregnant and living on my own. Now don't get me wrong it's a good change but scary. I still have some mending to do and some patching up on my life. I'm trying my damnest here.
I don't have many friends just a short few and it's like i'm not close to any of them, and i understand everyone got there own thing going on and what not and i'm happy for them all. I Just miss back when, ya know?
from late night eating to driving around or walking around, drinking and just having fun to making sure my electric doesn't get shut off and having to pay a phone bill & what not. I sure do miss them days, but without them days i wouldn't of met the greatest people i know. and ONCE AGAIN that's a select few. and i wouldn't of met the man of my life. i'm happy now.. sometimes i think i made out okay so far. and if not everyone falls but gets back up, right? lol
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butterfly
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2007 19 July :: 7.46am
:: Music: The Story - Brandi Carlile
We found out last night that Dad starts classes on the 20th of August. The same day we were going to leave and drive up there because I have to check into my dorm on the 23rd.
A big "What the hell are we going to do?" seems to have popped up.
Dad's talking about skipping the first week of school, as though that's an intelligent option.
He's really set on coming up and seeing the campus though.
Can't wait to see how this one's going to work itself out.
In other news, I seem to have screwed up my ankle. A cow got out yesterday afternoon and wound up in our yard, so Trevor, Taylor, and I chased it back up to the field (all the cattle are in grandma and grandpa's field). I don't know if I managed to twist it without realizing, but I have bad ankles and usually I'd know if I screwed it up the second it happened. It kind of hurt a little before bed which I didn't think a thing about because the weather's been iffy, and worthy of an old person's, my body is a bitch when it comes to weather. Anyway, I woke up this morning practically unable to walk. It's swollen to hell and bruised just the same.
Seriously though, it's a mystery.
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butterfly
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2007 18 July :: 6.53pm
:: Mood: hyper
:: Music: We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister
Um... blah?
Two of my friends, Julie and Tabitha, are pregnant and they both found out today that they're having boys, so that was cool. I thought Tab was having a girl, but whatever.
I bought Premonition and I still can't decide if I like it or not. I think tonight I'll watch the alternate ending and see if it turns out better with that one.
I also watched The Hills Have Eyes 2... fucking creepy as hell. I didn't want to watch it, but yet again was bullied into it by my dear and charming friends, just as I was bullied into watching the first one.
That shits creepy because you don't know if it could really happen or not. Of course it's all scary. I hate scary movies.
I'd swear them off all together if I could convience myself it would hold once another one came out... but no. Not likely. I cave too easily.
Silly push over me.
Anyway, Kelly's gone to go smell paper. idk what's up with that.
Ashley want's to hang out tonight, but she's currently not here, out on a dog selling adventure with father. So... seems I'll be shuffling off to my room to listen to music and read when I think what I actually want to do is go out and do something tonight.
I've been getting these really intense headaches lately. I think it's because I quit reading for awhile and now I've picked it back up and read well into the night, only to wake up fairly early. I should put a halt to this.
Not likely though. <3 reading.
Once again... Blah.
Edit: I watched the alternate ending on Premonition... didn't like it much either, so I don't know. It's a great movie and all though, it just comes at the price of an 'eh' ending.
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butterfly
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2007 16 July :: 9.11pm
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: Smells Like Teen Spirit - Tori Amos
Ashley drug me to the lake yesterday with her friends. It wasn't really all that bad, I only creeped my self out a few times and had to swim for the bank and stare at the water to make sure nothing surfaced, preparing itself to gorge upon my limbs. No such surfacing so I stuck it out for a few hours.
Then a storm hit and we packed it up.
Ash and I decided to rent a couple movies -A Little Trip To Heaven, and Freedom Writers- and buy some junk food and headed home and straight to my room.
Today sucked. My head hurt so bad, I guess from having my glasses off for such a long time and straining to see. I don't know, just an assumption, but on top of that I had to pick green beans and snip them all day.
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theedgeofyouratmosphere
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2007 12 July :: 10.07pm
i feel bloated today, just like lastnight.
and the feeling has yet to go away,.
i've been pretty emotional.
and all i did today was sit around and earlier i watched Gab for alittle bit. (my friend Jena's daughter) shes precious.
other than that giant eagle and i just drank koolaide and watched re-runs of greys anatomy. i just don't feel well today. i feel like complete shit.
=(
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butterfly
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2007 11 July :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: Desperately Wanting - Better Than Ezra
Class Schedule
Monday
Algebra - 9:00-9:50
Public Speaking - 10:00-10:50
Intro to Business - 12:00-12:50
English 1 - 3:00-4:15
Algebra (Mandatory tutoring class I think...) - 4:30-5:45
Tuesday
Algebra - 9:00-9:50
Literature - 3:00-4:15
Wednesday
Algebra - 9:00-9:50
Public Speaking - 10:00-10:50
Intro to Business - 12:00-12:50
English 1 - 3:00-4:15
Algebra - 4:30-5:45
Thursday
Algebra - 9:00-9:50
Literature - 3:00-4:15
Friday
Public Speaking - 10:00-10:50
Intro to Business - 12:00-12:50
Hopefully Monday and Wednesday will be the only "harder" days, and I'll be able to make my homework up on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. I'm going to be working on campus -hopefully- and Kelly's sister said that they work really well with your schedual so that should be alright.
I talked to Kelly earlier and I don't know, he kind of seemed preoccupied so I just left. He was working at Eden and I always feel bad talking to him while he's there anyway so oh well. We'll probably just talk tomorrow.
I need to call Ferris and see when my scholarship money will be put into my bank account so that I can go ahead and order my text books. I called the bank today and they said I still hadn't recieved it so I should do that tomorrow if I've got time.
We're adding on to two of the existing buildings we have, so mom and dad have Taylor and I outside all day doing random work to prepare for that. Plus we're finally getting rid of the kennel because everyone's just done with it and so we're cleaning up all that junk. We've sold a lot of the dogs and so we have to tear down the pens on the ground, and clean out the one building we still have left. There's just always busy work so I never have time to get on here during the day anymore it seems, which isn't fair to Kelly because then I want to stay up late at night so that we can talk, but of course he doesn't want to stay up until one or later every single night so... I don't know, hopefully things will get back to normal here pretty soon.
I think Ashley's going to move back home when I leave, since dad will be starting school too -he's going to college to become a teacher since the carpentry business is just tearing up his body too much, plus my uncle, who's the co-owner with dad, is retiring pretty soon, so there's really no point in keeping it up. Mom's never been one to get along with her children too well, so it's always been Dad, Ashley, or I that had to be here for a buffer between her and the kids, so that's probably why Ash would move back in, also to help around the house.
Things are just crazy and stressful right now.
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butterfly
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2007 10 July :: 11.58pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Something's Always Wrong - Toad The Wet Sprocket
I was outside with Taylor for like... probably a long time, idk, and Kelly went to bedzorz so like le sigh and stuff.
I was like "oh I'm nauseous... Taylor come outside with me so I can get some fresh air plz /sad face" and so we went and sat outside and talked and then I come back in and Kelly was like "I'm going to bed... love ya" and so now I'm NOT tired and have no one to talk to and it's midnight and so I guess movie ftw.
Blah.
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theedgeofyouratmosphere
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2007 7 July :: 8.28am
:: Mood: sad&pissed
i'm honestly hurting inside.
lastnight was awful. its just ripping me apart.
i never do anything wrong.
and then this morning. it just doesn't get better.
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butterfly
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2007 6 July :: 10.38pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Sorry - Buck Cherry
Talking to Kelly...
He always makes me feel good.
I love him, and I love being mushy.
Ok so I was in my room piddling around, going through stuff that I'd kept from high school and was throwing things away, and then the phone was like "oh watch me ring" and I was like "Oh? well watch me answer you"
and then there was my old boss from Country N. He was like "ugh the waitress broke her arm and you're the only one I know so ... come in" and I was like "bitch, you better pay me better than you did last time I worked, or I'll mess you up so good" and he was like "um... okay??" and then ... that was all. I got ready and went in and worked.
It was freaking dead though, I only made like $25 in tips. Blah.
Anyway, tomorrow I shall spend the day at the gross park because of the annual Wheaton BBQ and my parents part in it. Blah.
Oh and then my parents get in a fight and mom forces everyone to sleep. Imagine the hostility I feel for her atm.
/Shooting her with my laser eyes.
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lisa3019
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2007 5 July :: 5.35pm
This journal is now Friends Only.
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butterfly
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2007 4 July :: 7.37pm
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: Looking Glass - Stone Cold
Working outside sucks. I always end up with poison oak or poison ivy, yet my parents are always like "outside, now!" and then freak out with when I get either of the aforementioned things.
Stupid heads.
/eye roll
Anyway, my parents are like "zomg fireworks" and idk they kind of bore me. Yeah, you get a cool one every now and then, but for the most part they're boring and reduntant.
Kelly's going to leave and either go hang out with PJ or watch Transformers.
It's times like this when I wish I were still in Michigan. I had such a good time up there, and we didn't really do anything. Good company is how to explain it I suppose.
Blah
Watch me have an emo moment.
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butterfly
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2007 3 July :: 10.47pm
:: Mood: cranky
Church social thing was tonight.
Ate, had wheel-barrow races, and then sat and talked until it was dark enough to do fireworks.
It sucked.
I got ice cream dumped on my headby a dumbass , and ditched by Renkoski for cowboys because he was horny.
Plus, I now have enough bug bites to like name them and divide them into families.
Kelly's still on though, so I'm not near as mad as pre-Kelly conversation.
<3 him.
/itches
/sighs
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butterfly
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2007 1 July :: 9.03pm
Something as perfect as the trip is hard to put into words.
I got delayed 7 hours on the way up there, so that was less time to spend with Kell which sucked.
He's so perfect. I love him.
Ooh watch me go all starry eyed.
Seriously though, I had the best time ever.
<3 cuddling.
I didn't want to leave, I don't want to be at home right now. I want to be with mah baby :(
He smells amazing too.
Seriously, if no one has noticed how awesome Kelly smells, go smell him. asap.
If anything it'll creep him out and make everyone lawl.
/goes on forever about Kelly.
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theedgeofyouratmosphere
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2007 30 June :: 10.09am
lastnight was cool i guess.
we finally got alittle bit of money so that took tension off the bills being payed and what not. and a little extra for whatever. its nice. i hate being so poor :(
he bought himself a case of beer (my boyfriend) and basically got drunk and smoked. we had some company, doug and hoagie came twice. then ben and some crackwhore came to buy some green off Lance. ben smoked alittle with me.
i know i should stop but i smoked all day yesterday; i kinda needed it i've just been so down and stressed and everything, just needed something for my nerves. cause trust me if i could drink i would LoL.
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lisa3019
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2007 30 June :: 1.32am
if my boyfriend had a myspace or facebook i would have the most embarassing pictures
We got our printer the other day and I already printed out probably close to 2million pictures. There are pictures all over our refrigerator and some sitting on the kitchen table that i have to buy frames for.
What does Justin print out as soon as he sees it?
He wastes about 10 photo papers to print stupid pcitures of me out that we can't even hang up or anything. haha.
i don't know why he likes those pictures.
i'm flicking him off in one and in the other one, i am in the middle of flicking him off and my fingers look like a sped hand.
Ahh I have been so BORED lately.
How about the other day Justin goes to the wave pool with my friends and I couldn't go because I had plans to get my consultation at the gym!!
I was so mad!!!!
Well, not mad--jealous.. I really wanted to go!!
Haha oh well though he was the only guy and had to swim by himself!!
I feel like a fat cow lately.
I mean, I guess I'm not trying to watch my weight at all.. but.. I wish I was because I feel like a moose.
I start back to work on Monday and I've come to DREAD it!!
I, no way, want to leave my babe AT ALLL!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't know how i'm going to do it.
i was crying and i told justin that one day i am going to marry someone rich for my babe.
he said, "...go for it."
hhaha,
anywyas.
i'm super tired because i am never up this late and i was at tracy's playing Jeopardy! on Nitendo until 12:30.
She took me out to eat tonight at Wing'n It, her and Chriss.
I was supposed to go over there and chill with her, chriss, and evan but i had to take liz to joey's and drop shawn's friends off so i got there after evan left.
it's okay cause me and tracy played a million games on jeopardy.
i'd say we're both pretty kick ass.
anywyas, i'm going to bed.
night!!
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theedgeofyouratmosphere
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2007 27 June :: 6.36pm
:: Mood: i don't know how i feel.
it's never ending..
its a never ending cycle.
i just want one day where nothing goes wrong.
i spill my heart of for this man. and it hurts so much when he talks down to me, i never ask for anything but him to chill out or just love me. and sometimes i don't think he loves me by the way he acts, he'll respond to me all meanly even if i was being a sweetheart to him. and then if we argue i feel so small and i'm always fit out to be wrong. why can't we be fine? he says from day one i supposively fucked shit up. like for him and his friends, girls and whatever else. well you did this to me, i'm pregnant with your kid, and all i want is for you to be considerate for my feelings and be there for the new life form.
i love lance with all my heart, i just wish everything would be okay and i'm so emotional anymore it just makes it worse and i sicken myself so bad, i'm gettin fat i'm getting insecure i'm getting sick of myself. all i want to do is massive amount of drugs, i wish i could have my medicines because it seems like this shit is taking over; and i can't take any of them i just want to feel okay and be happy. and if thats impossible i atleast don't wanna feel anything... no pain... i mean is it so wrong to ask of favors from the one you love? and they aren't really favors just things to make our family go well and be happy. my dad was never there and i don't want my child to have to go through all the bullshit and despair that i had to endure, its the worst thing in the world and i always felt bad for my mother who was a great mom and had to do everything on her own just to make sure i had food, clothes and a roof over my head. it hurts to just think about it.. i just hate all this fighting its starting to go down and i don't want that to happen, i love Lance more than anything and everything and i would do fucking absolutley EVERYTHING/ANYTHING for him. he's my world. i'd seriously be lost without him. i'm just scared sometimes that when the baby comes i'll be all alone, cause thats what it feels like now.. i don't have friends, i dont have anybody to talk to really and i'm just so depressed and i'm breaking down so badly. i have nowhere to turn besides my mom, and i already know shes there for me but not always when i need her, she has her own life too now, i was the one who moved out and got my life situated and i understand;; i just want a friend. a good friend i can trust, sure i can talk to lance but i just feel so small sometimes because you can tell he gets mad or i make him mad.. and i never mean to do that,.. i'm so fucking upset right now.. i honestly don't know how to put anything.. i feel so wrong. am in the wrong? for wanting everything to be peachy and have a great family? a loving one? IS IT SO FUCKING WRONG? i have a doctors apt tomorrow to hear the babys heartbeat.. and i don't have anyone to go, i'm just about to cancel it because this whole thing is scary but exciting at the same time.
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2007 26 June :: 2.13pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: Dead Skin - Crossfade
I went to bed at 3 something and got up at 7 and did a million errands and now my head hurts and I leave in like 7 hours.
It doesn't seem like I'm even leaving because usually you leave for trips in the morning, not at 9 effing 15 at night.
--Editzorz--
My dad went to the bank with me because he had to talk to this guy that had to sign my check that I was getting cashed, and on the way to Cassville he told me he was proud of me, and I started crying because it was the first time he'd ever said that. I and my amazing powers pulled it off as eyes watering because they do that a lot, but... I don't know. It made me sad.
But anyway, now I'm off to sleep. Hopefully this headache will go away because it is very unwanted and unneeded.
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lisa3019
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2007 25 June :: 11.37am
:: Mood: freaking tired!!
:: Music: we have to take our clothes off, we have to party all night
My legs going up for keeping my phone on vibrate to hide the fact your boyfriend keeps textin' me
Yesterday.. I can't really remember much of what I did after I updated.
That usually results in a big NOTHING!
My dad brought me a plate of food up because I hardly ate anything all day and I was starving but I was too sick to make anything.
I got ready to take a shower and the babe woke up so we had to scratch that one. I was too sick to leave the house anywyas because as soon as I stood up it hit me again.
cops is like cancer
I can't remember much else.
Today I didn't do much either.
I took a shower the first chance I got because I was so yucky from the day before but I had to get dressed quickly because the babe was crying before I even got out of it, let alone get dried off.
My name is Lisee and I'm pretty much a big deal
Oh, you've never heard of me
That sounds absurd to me
The way you stole my attention was flat out burglary
The doctor called and said I was allowed to participate at the Center for Fitness and Health so I stopped at my mom's and dropepd Jayce off and then went up to the health plex and talked to the girl about it.
She gave me a tour and scheduled my consultation with the trainer for wednesday at 2:00.
It's really nice up there.
She asked me if I was interested in getting started today and I was but I didn't know much about the machines. I've never exercised in my life, so she had this guy give me a quick overview of the treadmills, elipticals, bikes, and all three stair things.
he was really ncie, but.. i feel bad i forget his name.
i was trying to remember everything!!!
Anywyas.. I sat in the locker rooms for a lottle bit in the lounge and then i got my things and checked out after i ran on the treadmill for 10 mintues and the eliptical for another 10.
If I go tomorrow maybe I'll do more. I might even take my bathing suit to swim..
After that I went back to my mom's and chilled for a little bit.
Justin asked me to pick him up so I drove out to Chatleroi and just as I was getting off the Charleroi Allenport exit he tells me he is going to get a ride out in a few minutes because he is helping Cam and JJ.
I was like uhh asshole, i'm here...
I was PISSED. So now he owes me gas money for making me drive out there for nothing.
I went back to my house and sat for a little.
Justin and Cam came over to burn shit and then left and I wnt to my mom's.
Anywyas..I'm about beat. It's almost 2am so I'm taking the babes to bed..
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