And be a simple kind of man...

:: 2004 14 February :: 9.38pm
:: Mood: depressed

my pap died today.

..happy valentines day

3 freebirds | Fly high...

:: 2004 12 February :: 8.26pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: finding nemo on dvd

i didn't go to school today, i felt/feel like shit. i stayed up my aunts came down the house around 6:00 a.m. i went back to sleep until 6:30 [i catch the bus at 6:45] and then i woke up and just told me mom that i wanted to stay home. so she let me.. and i didn't do anything all day except go on the computer and eat soup. blah.

my aunt bettys being layed out tonight and tomorrow. my mom wanted me to go tonight- but i told her i didn't want to because i'm sick, and just don't feel like doing anything. so i'm going probably tomorrow night. i don't know, i hate those things.. :(

my paps heart rate was only 27 today.. but my aunt said it goes up and down all the time, but this is the lowest it's ever been. my gram called her son [my uncle dave] he lives in flordia. she told him that he better come up to see him.. which means he's not doing well at all. it's kinda scary to sit and watch him like that, and not be able to do anything. everyones always crying- and so am i. i know everyone has to die sometime, but it's too soon. it's too soon.

i don't think i'm going to go to amys, jims or rochelles this weekend. i don't know yet- i guess i'll see how things go with everything. i don't want to leave my pap right now.

i wish jim was here with me. i need someones shoulder to cry on..

:: 2004 11 February :: 7.16pm
:: Mood: upset

my aunt betty died a couple days ago. her funeral is tomorrow and the next day i think.

my pap isn't doing well. he got back from the hospital last night- they put him on morphine pills to help him breath. his heart is so weak that it's hurting him to breath.. and they're only giving him a couple days i guess. but we'll see how things go..

todays my sister annas birthday. happy birthday anna. we're going up my aunts to have a little party for her so my gram and pap don't have to come down here. it's to hard for them.

no school friday. inservice day.

the staind concert was good, i had fun. i called jim and talked to him for about 5 minutes. and what people get mad over these days. i just laugh cause it's so trivial. amy and i didn't really even sit by each other. her mom sat between us so she could lean back. amy was talking to some guy anyways. we got home fairly early, and i went to bed cause i was a little sick and really tired. i called rochelle like 5 times and left her messages of staind playing on stage.

the guy from try again homes came to get an update from me again. he said "your attendance is good, but it looks like your grades went down in a lot of your classes." i was just like "yeah, i'm trying harder now" stupid people- stay out of my life. i'm fine.

everytime i call jim it's either busy, or no one answers. he said he'd come to annas party- but no- of course not.

thursday after school i'm going to amys to do our history project and staying til friday. later friday i'm going to jims and staying if his moms home, then saturday i'm going to rochelles, and coming home sunday night probably. valentines day is saturday. :) i got jim something cute.. i love his card i got him to.

my sister sams been sick, she went to the doctors the other day. now i'm getting sick. i think i have strep throat.. but i don't know if i really do or not. all i know is that i feel like shit.

oh, i was talking to doug [my cousin] up aunt loraines, and he said that he might be able to get a job for jim working with him in pittsburgh. that'd be great. buuuuuuuut- georges son matt and his friend dusty [doug got them a job there to] didn't come to work half the time, and didn't actually work when they were there.. so dougs boss might not want someone else that doug recommends. but i really hope they need someone else, and do hire jim. that'd be great for him.

thats all i can think of. that was a long entry.

xx.jena

:: 2004 9 February :: 10.57am
:: Mood: bouncy

yeah, i'm in school. jim went home last night, and i went to amys. right now i'm talking to nichole and becky. nothing is really going on, it's quite boring anymore.

1st period was boring, so was 2nd, 3rd we didn't even do anything.. and this period i actually did my work. and i'm almost done. yeah thats good.

going to history next..

later tonight is the staind & three days grace concert with amy! woohoo. can't wait.

:: 2004 6 February :: 5.44pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: staind - outside

"all the times that i felt insecure, for you. and i leave the burdens at the door. but i'm on the outside, and i'm looking in. i can see through you, see your true colors. inside you're ugly.. ugly like me."

i haven't been doing anything really, going to school coming home being with jim. [he's been at my house for about 2 weeks] going on the internet less and less. i dunno why, i guess cause jim's here and he keeps me occupied.

i got my report card.. english-74%, global studies-60% u.s. history-70% science-83% algebra-88%, advanced word processing-88%, child development-97%, health-65%. hip hip hooray?

anyways, i've been going up my aunt loraines a lot to visit them and my gram/pap. my pap still isn't doing well. i think my aunt said his pulse is only 32, and usually people don't live when it's under 50 or something along that lines. i forget what she said exactly. her and my uncle went to lancaster for their anniversary. they'll be home late tomorrow.

i think jim's going home tonight- i'm staying here til sunday then going to amys. we're going to school monday and her mom is picking us up and taking us to a Staind concert. [[i promise you jim that i won't do that. i swear on your life, and mine.]] so i'll tell everyone how that went after i come back.

i'm "getting involved" in school.. oh joy.

thats all i have for now.

xx.jena

:: 2004 27 January :: 8.24pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: some stupid shit

my birthday
todays my birthday. :)

2 freebirds | Fly high...

lilkristen

:: 2004 24 January :: 1.37pm

AAAH!!! OMG I ACTUALLY MADE MY SCHOOLS!!! CRAP!!! ME AND MY TWINN... "IM NOT GUNNA LIVE ON THE STREETS!" LOLOL I WAS FLIPPIN OUT IN SCHOOL TODAY BEFORE I GOT THE MAIL LOL!!! woww soo happyy... and people i really care about were really proud of me!!! like my lil friend who has not been named! lolol... ummm... well... lets see wuts new... hahah cherries returns lol yes, i know suprise suprise... well anyway... hmm... crapp i feel so shitty right now i really need a hug...

TheBandRoom
[ BunnyBlonde ]

:: 2004 23 January :: 4.07pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: none

Hey everybody...I GOT 3rd chair!!! Out of 14...I'm so stoked!! HEHE

x0x
)*Aubrey*(

TheBandRoom
[ BunnyBlonde ]

:: 2004 22 January :: 6.49pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: none

MY CHIR TEST IS TOMORROW...WISH ME LUCK!!!!

x0x
)*Aubrey*(

:: 2004 20 January :: 8.38pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: fingereleven - bones and joints

people can go shit themselves.

:: 2004 18 January :: 11.10am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: nickleback - figure you out.

..i think thats the name of the song. who cares.

i sat here for about 20 minutes staring at the wall thinking about stuff. everythings always so dramatized. always.

examples:
-my birthday party last year when amy said that jim tried to hit her
-car accidents.. *cough*
-things in school
-people being "pregnant"
-me yelling at jim for nothing

and i also thought about how i love being in drama, i live for it. when nothing is going on, i make something go on.

i think i need to stop that.
but-- if i stop that, what will i do?

lilkristen

:: 2004 16 January :: 7.52pm
:: Mood: depressed...
:: Music: no brains, sum41<3

what ive been doing for the past four days...

a place deep inside me
empty and hollow
being eaten away by dark secrets
my heart sinks lower and lower
with no one there to pick it up
i need someone to lift my heart
and never drop it,
for the slightest crack
could mean eternal darkness

sadness washing over me
a lack of self control
a single tear runs down my face
and i dont know why...

my head begins to spin,
becoming blinded by my tears,
the glue holding my sanity,
slowly disappears...

im being deceived
my whole world full of lies
truth is a stranger,
friendships seem to die.

and now im stuck here in this world
with no purpose at all
the only thing left for me to wait for
is when i finally fall...

shadows hold me down
try to hold me back
im losing grip
afraid of falling too far
the pain gets too intense
and everything turns to a blur

cant see what pushes me over the edge,
what makes me stumble into nothingness
cries for help seem to get stuck in my throat
until all my senses seem to evaporate
im losing my grip on the edge...
ready to fall
waiting for someone to pull me back up...

i realize no ones there
i fall

its a feeling that cant be explained...
you're empty and hopeless
lost in this mess of a world
and there nothing left to do but watch

and as the wind slowly brushes past your face
you realize that you cant always see what you feel...
its like lacking something
that you will never find

but no one seems to understand how you feel
and things dont look good...
the sun's gone down, gone to sleep
and so must i

all these days wasted in my altered state of mind
with nothing to do but lay here
in this desolate world.
frustrated by all this tension
lack of passion surrounds me
im sinking slowly

The blood runs through my veins
like cold air through hollow branches
emptiness is all that's there

A presence you can feel
thats invisible to all but one...
the one who caused the emptiness

it watches the tranquil light pass through me
only for it to turn dark and miserable at my touch

becoming immobilized by my fears
a voice telling me not to turn away...
but i have no choice

its like a walk along the beach
leaving footprints in the sand
like leaving an effect on the earth
but the water always washes the footprints away
and the effect you made is forgotten
and what you've done, no longer exists

:: 2004 15 January :: 7.28pm
:: Mood: poop
:: Music: switchfoot - ment to live

i guess my sister anna took my money. i got it back, and yeah.. it took us like an hour to get sam & anna to tell who took it. anna made sam not tell, but in the end "annd needed to talk to sam".. anna came out and confessed that she took it. yeah- i'm still missing a couple dollars though. my mom told me she'd just give it to me.

we got our algebra report grades back, we got a 99%. or in points we got 129/130. whoa, i really didn't expect to get that good of a grade, but i'm happy with it.

i also got Alex [the baby in child development] today, i got 100%, or in points a 50/50. oh yeah- i'm such a good mother. i have it with me right now, taking it home for 10 bonus points.. but i don't think i'll get them, because my cousins boyfriend hit the baby in the head.. err. dumby. i almost started crying though, i was so upset.

jim still hasn't called me.. i don't understand. i tried to call his dads and no one answers. if he is at home [since his fone is disconnected] why can't he walk to someones house and call me? i don't understand..

:: 2004 14 January :: 9.58pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: announcments on the radio

nichole & i presented our algebra project today- it was crap. we worked hard on it, and it still turns out like junk. what the hell. somethings wrong with that picture. i don't even know anymore..

in child development i get the baby tomorrow! i'm actually excited, but scared because what if i drop it or something? i don't know what i'll do. it'll hurt my grade :( and i have at least a 98% in there. damn. i know i'll do a good job. i'm bringing it home for the night for 10 bonus points. hell yeah.

i guess jim's home phone is disconnected- which really pisses me off. he should have called me- he has friends houses to go to. he can call me from other places. all i have to say is he better call me, or see hell raised.

[edit:] i have $55.00 for jims birthday present, only a couple hundred more to go.

:: 2004 12 January :: 11.19pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: staind - so far away

nichole & i have to present our algebra project tomorrow. i went over her house tonight for about an 1 1/2 hours. we made the rest of the signs we needed, and practiced our skit we made up. [it's actually neat.] i do have to say- i did a good job on my poster i made for it. jim helped too.

jim went home tonight.. i miss him already though. it's hard having him over here for almost 2 weeks straight and then him just leaving like that. i got used to him being here everyday when i got home from school. it sucks.

in child development we get to carry around the fake-babies. yay. [sarcasm] i chose to bring it home and take care of it for a full 24 hours. so jim's gonna come over and help. in case it cries in the middle of the night or something he'll be up, so he'll take care of him.

nothing is really going on in my life. it doesn't suck as much as i used to think it did though- but i don't know, it's jims fault. he makes me happy :-D