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2005 12 October :: 10.41pm
I don't want you to go anymore.
And that didn't help.
I'm freaking out.
I don't know what can make me not.
It's as if I feel like it's impossible for nothing bad to happen.
I hate this.
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2005 9 October :: 7.31am
The dance was cool.
I had fun.
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2005 7 October :: 6.35am
:: Music: BOB DYLAN
Well, the 40 days of purpose res life group meetings started last night. As you can tell, I have no idea what to call it. Anyway..it went very well. There are 7 groups of couples, Brad and I are the youngest. Not by much though, all of them are in their early 20's. It was nice because I was expecting it to be really dull and everyone to be uber churchy, but they weren't like that at all. We all just talked and laughed the entire time. I guess it's every Monday for the next six weeks. It was supposed to be Thursday, but people had problems with that I guess. So, sorry Erika and especially Keegan. ;) Laguna night must be rescheduled!
Today is black day and I'm having fun with it. Even though my stinky boyfriend is being a shmuck. =) Hehehe..
I'm an emo kid, non-conforming as can be!
You'd be non-conforming too if you look just like me!
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2005 5 October :: 6.34am
:: Music: BOB DYLAN
Things are good in the hood.
Who's all going to Homecoming? I'm just wondering..
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2005 1 October :: 9.26am
I am in the play. I get to be a Citizen of Oz. I know, I know.. it's a very minor part and I probably have no lines that I say individually, but I'm just excited to be a part of the play. I didn't try hard at auditions and my heart was never really into this play, but I'll put my all into it now.
Red flannel day is today. How exciting. I get to do fucking everything because everyone in yearbook is a lazy ass. No one can just offer to do anything if they don't benefit from it. It drives me crazy how everyone can take that class and yet not want to do anything for it. Whatever.
Hopefully today goes well. I need to shower, later.
Edit>>
I got my Homecoming dress, it's brown. And brown is the best, so I am happy. Erika and Keegan your couple is back!
10 Gold digger |
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2005 30 September :: 6.22am
He made me smile.
I need to just stop caring, worrying, getting so worked up, etc.
Last night was perfect. We argued a little, but it didn't end in us yelling, storming off, or me crying. It ended in him saying, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you." And that was that.
Then we talked about a lot of things for an hour or so.
And I just want this all to last, because if I had this huge part of my life good and fixed again I don't know what could bring me down.
I love you. And always remember every word you said last night.
You can go.
I trust you.
And you know me saying that is a huge step.
Just don't make me regret these words.
Tony's a good friend.
Continue in the good direction you are going in now.
4 Gold digger |
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2005 29 September :: 4.20pm
I am so pissed right now.
Here I am, sitting alone.. once again.
Every day I either sleep or watch tv. What a fucking life.
Auditions went terrible. If I do get a part I don't even deserve it, even though I know for sure it'll be a small role with no lines, if I get one at all. I'm just not a good actress. Bah.
Anyway, you'd think after we don't talk for a day, and fight the ones before he'd want to spend time with me, but nooo. I'm not someone to miss. I'm just a bitch who's always pissed off. Someone he can't have fun with or be himself around. I just have to accept that I can't make him happy and let him be happy somewhere else.
I don't have a car, all my friends have jobs and lifes!
But do I? Of course not.
My whole family is STUPID. Seriously.. what I am dealing with at home right now is bullshit. Complete bullshit.
I know I've said this a million times and over and over, but..
I. Just. Want. To. Be. Happy.
Is that ever going to happen?
I doubt it.
Not here, not now.
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2005 29 September :: 6.21am
:: Music: Death Cab for Cutie
Perfect fit.
Holding on to your grudge.
Oh, it's so hard to have someone to love,
and keeping quiet is hard
'cause you can't keep a secret
if it never was a secret to start.
We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now we're throwing the fights.
I just want to believe...I just want to believe..I just want to believe..in us.
You're holding on to your grudge,
Oh, it hurts to always have to be honest with the one that you love.
Brand New - Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't
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2005 28 September :: 6.42am
Give me one good day before I disappear.
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2005 27 September :: 3.55pm
Why do I even fucking bother?
It's always about you.
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2005 26 September :: 6.18am
:: Music: Death Cab for Cutie
I have the most insane boyfriend in the world..
but, I love him.
I know he's made a lot of mistakes and I hope I can say there will be no more (big ones at least) and actually be right this time.
He has a huge heart and I need it to be mine.
We got our rings. They are nice and simple.
They simply signify we won't do anything to hurt one another in a big way.
Sorry, I'm just rambling about things none of you care to hear.
I hate school.
But, I love hot chocolate. Mmmm.
>>Edit
Oh, and if you're a BOB DYLAN fan like I and have been waiting pathetically the 'No Direction Home' movie is on tonight at 9pm on PBS.
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2005 24 September :: 10.31am
:: Music: Death Cab for Cutie
Most of you don't need to read this so fuck off.
Oh my God. The new Death Cab for Cutie CD is so amazing.
You were right Matt, it's very close to Transatlanticism. I don't know which is better. Never thought I'd say that..
New layout!
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2005 24 September :: 9.10am
Who is going to the pageant tonight?
I need to shower somewhere, haha. My dad is working on the shower and failed to tell me I can't take one until this morning. Laaaame.
Oh and Mishy..Tomato! Pickle! Apple! Let's play that little crackle!
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2005 23 September :: 6.25am
I'm sick.
I think I am allergic to school.. no wait ECON!
Burn in hell you bitch.
This sums it up..
So sick, so sick of being tired and oh, so tired of being sick.-TBS
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2005 22 September :: 5.51pm
MISHY:
Are you free tomorrow after school? I'd like to work on drama and glorify Hitler!
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2005 22 September :: 6.43am
I can't go to the pageant. I am very dissapointed about it. I like watching those kind've things. *sigh* Ah well, I hope someone at least records it.
Anyway, things were going good. Keep in mind were.
I don't understand it.
I don't like it.
And I really don't know what to do.
But, whatever. I guess I'm just not perfect enough.
Well, I better finish getting ready. Three weeks in and I all ready want the year to end.
2 Gold digger |
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2005 19 September :: 6.16am
Ruined anniversarys.
Either way I lose.
Why can't you ever help me?
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2005 17 September :: 9.18pm
I went to some strong man show at the Ressurection Life Church in Rockford. Saw some big, sweaty guys break bricks and rip phone books in half, haha. It was pretty cool though, better than sitting at home like usual.
Dan proposed to Molly before the show on the stage. It was soo cute and I'm glad I was there to see it. Her ring is beautiful.
Things are good lately.
That's all.
Night.
8 Gold digger |
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2005 13 September :: 3.54pm
I don't know what's wrong with me lately.
Everything in school is really hard. I don't understand anything and I never can just get my homework done. It never makes any sense to me. And I'm not even in difficult classes with tons of homework.
I'm not happy. I don't know why. As soon as I am it only lasts a day or so. I'm not trying to be negative, it's just..this year seems way too hard for me to handle.
Everytime I try to do my homework or just understand what a teacher is saying I'm on the brink of tears because I feel so lost and stupid.
Everyone around me gets it and if I ask for help I am treated like a complete dolt. I'm just stressed out. Nothing makes me happy anymore, I wish I knew what could do it.
I hate being at school and I hate being here.
I don't know what to do.
Oh, and I fucking hate Econ.
In other news I am very dissapointed about something going on. It frustrates me so much. Erika, Mishy.. you know what I'm talking about. I don't know what to do, it goes in one ear and out the other. It's like I'm just a broken record..
I guess I am.
Nothing ever comes easy, I should get used to that.
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2005 11 September :: 7.49am
The bonfire was fun.
Not a lot of people showed up, but it didn't even matter.
The main group was hilarious and I enjoyed it.
I like smaller groups better.
Though it is sad that none of my "closest" friends even showed up.
Whatever, just don't expect me to bother anymore.
Other than that I feel sick and I needed a lot more sleep than this.
I get today to write an essay then tomorrow it's..school.
I hate saying that.
7 Gold digger |
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