Vonderschnickel

:: 2008 30 September :: 1.51am

the situation has changed and the way backward is shut.

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:: 2008 29 September :: 1.32am

in the driver's seat at 1:30 in the morning and flying down the highway with that sad sad song penetrating my ears and heart i realized that i am finally in the place where i have always wanted to be and am still so very out of place in my world.

perception is everything.

but there i was perceiving nothing and so here i am, behold. there behind the wheel with tears rolling down my cheeks and joe asking "what's wrong," and me not sure how to answer him but to ask him to please light me a cigarette.

and another thing, i hate smoking but i do it anyway because it makes me unapproachable and gives me something less awkward to do with my hands.

and another thing, i hate video games because i love them so much, because they give my brain a place to rest when people like ben goldstein do not think it worthy for them.

:: 2008 16 September :: 7.33pm

Woohu has decided to stop me from posting comments. I'm not sure if this is due to the Jacksonville server or Woohu's severe and long-awaited downfall. more later.

:: 2008 15 September :: 12.46am

the cafeteria is nice, but sometimes i want a hunk of chocolate.

:: 2008 13 September :: 6.46pm

despite random and sparse outbursts of elation, i am often struck by the level of cruelty I seem to possess. upon looking through old photos or journals, i realize that most of the close friendships i have ever had have ended on a sour, rotting, despicable note-- this is nearly always my doing and the result of some terrible fight that I was always to cowardly to address after it happened. I miss the closest friends I ever had. These are the the intelligent and pure people who I abandoned because of my own selfishness.

You don't have to talk to me and I'm sure you are laughing quite hysterically at this, but anyway.

:: 2008 25 August :: 1.18am

old feelings are nice to have but horrible to bathe in.

college is also nice to have but horrible to bathe in.

forget hot water, i don't need it

:: 2008 18 July :: 4.02am

here's a present for you.

http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?docId=-8604596739848246425&hl=en&autoplay=1

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:: 2008 17 July :: 10.12pm

i was laying in a red and orange tent in the field on the very top of a cliff. there were fields and grass and mountains everywhere. i was waiting for someone to meet me there, but they never came.

so i walked to paris and found myself in a group of children waiting to tour a large and dark cathedral. i saw my childhood friend danny chamberlain and became nervous, so i ran away. while i was running a woman chastised me for the clothing i had on, and i turned around and yelled at her. i kept running, but this time i was only searching for joe and lyle, who i was sure were lost somewhere in paris.

it was all very strange, although i have to admit this is probably my most "normal" dream ever.

:: 2008 28 June :: 12.53am

i lost my best friend and

pretty much everything, and i realized that i have learned a few very important things in virginia.

one, that the people who are there for me unconditionally have proven to be my family and to be patrick. patrick who i treated like the worst shit you could step on. and there they are through every storm.

two, that patrick is only there for me because he is in love with me. or rather, the darling boy is in love with who i used to be, and who HE used to be with me. (as it is there isn't much of me to love, and i'm definitely not in any shape to get there. say i'm a flowerpot looking to hold some kind of marvellous species of fauna-- i would be at the point at which the soil requires moisture and fertilization, sans seed. a dry hunk of mass in the receeded shape of the pot around me.)

three, that i am exactly like every other human being, "SCARRED BY LOVE, OHMEOHMY" and can now barely think of the idea withought a shreak of fright and a bought of nausea. oh how surprised a young piscean becomes upon learning that their mental and emotional capacity does not actually exceed that of her fellow humans.

normally i would have expressed all of these ideas in a form much more beautiful than that presented above. as it is, i find myself a flower pot filled with a kind of disgusting dry soil. as dry soil is not a substance one will to draw energy from, you will have to imagine that I am tilting my head to the side and that dirt is pouring out of my inner ear and nose.

as in, i am a skin-sack of dramatic tearful evenings and nothing more.

goodnight moon.

:: 2008 26 June :: 12.16pm

when sharapova serves, she bounces the ball a few times, lifts her raquet hand, fixes her hair on one side, then the other, bounces the ball with her hand exactly twice, and serves with a disgusting grunt.

i'm jealous as fuck and it's rather, no, completely infuriating. what's wrong with me.

and what's wrong with me that i'm nothing. i guess i'm reaping reaping reaping what i sow sow sow.

:: 2008 25 June :: 11.33am

sir, you know what i wanted to say.

i went out in the rain suddenly everything changed, they're spreading blankets on the beach.

life in virginia is swell so far. i do a lot of cooking, a lot of sitting, a lot of talking, and a lot of wine-drinking. i am wearing a certain something that my grandmother noticed. it baffled her the same way that it baffles me, but it is a great comfort to look down and see it there, as beautiful as ever. to reduce the entire situation to a core, the sentiment behind the item is enough to remind me that

this is the first day of my life.

:: 2008 23 June :: 11.18pm

please miss me. please care even after the dust has settled.

what a happy surprise to learn that under all of these cumbersome layers i am still myself and you are still you.

:: 2008 22 June :: 11.50pm

i always think i'm changing when really i'm just exactly exact. i'm exactly the same.

:: 2008 6 June :: 5.40pm

I'm staying with my cousins in NH and their 3 dogs and 9 pistols.

NINE PISTOLS.

Here I thought NH was a good place to not die in.