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2007 23 November :: 2.39pm
:: Mood: nostalgic, as ever.
:: Music: Billy Mack - Christmas is all around me
"I feel it in my fingers,
I feel it in my toes,
Christmas is all around me,
and so the feeling grows
It's written in the wind,
It's everywhere I go,
So if you really love Christmas,
C'mon and let it snow
You know I love Christmas
I always will
My mind's made up
The way that I feel
There's no beginning
There'll be no end
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend
You gave your presents to me
And I gave mine to you
I need Santa beside me
In everything I do
You know I love Christmas
I always will
My mind's made up
The way that I feel
There's no beginning
There'll be no end
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend
It's written on the wind
It's everywhere I go
So if you really love me
C'mon and let it snow
C'mon and let it snow
So if you really love
C'mon and let it
If you really love me
C'mon and let it
Now if you really love me
C'mon and let it snow"
yup. fingers AND toes.
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justadreamer
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2007 21 November :: 12.19am
Quote from Grey's Anatomy.
A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say.
I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo?
The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day.
Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beats the hell out of never trying.
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spud
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2007 17 November :: 4.19pm
"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."
- Katharine Hepburn
true that.
and also, i'm kind of stupid sometimes. i know this comes as a great shock to everyone.
hanging out with kevin tonight. i'm excited.
got to go ice skating yesterday, and partied last night. it was a very good time.
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spud
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2007 12 November :: 6.32pm
some things never change.
home sweet home.
baltimore was fun, as always.
concerts make me want to perform, as always.
and german club is showing lord of the rings in half an hour.
which means i'll be skipping my homework, as always.
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spud
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2007 8 November :: 12.33am
:: Music: the voices (they're everywhere)
going to maryland. leaving tomorrow. should be fun.
jessica is super-cool. and awesome. and having to tolerate me. which sucks. and so is everyone else, but they're just not faring as well in their tolerance as she is. which is unfortunate, although not entirely unexpected.
i'm fucking tired. and i haven't done shit this week.
oh well. maybe at the end of this tunnel i'll find myself. or at least someone else who can find me for me.
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spud
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2007 6 November :: 4.07pm
:: Mood: disoriented
cardiopulmonary recussitation
"Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever.
All I know can be shown by your acceptance of the facts; they're shown before you.
Take what I say in a different way and it's easy to say that this is all confusion.
As I see a new day in me, I can also show if you - and you may - follow.
Speak to me of summer, long winters - longer than time can remember,
The setting up of other roads, to travel on in old, accustomed ways.
I still remember the talks by the water; the proud sons and daughters
That knew the knowledge of the land spoke to me in sweet accustomed ways."
and stuff and things.
all in all, though, feeling good. just very lost. and my concept of time is completely out the window.
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spud
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2007 3 November :: 4.23am
:: Music: kevin and jessica
i think i'm a good person.
it's amazing how i can be so alone, and yet so complexly together with so many people.
i wrote this earlier. i had an idea about reincarnation, which seemed poetic at the time:
My soul is an old man swimming.
Am I his final foray into the waters?
Or does he have life left in him yet?
At times he is very adept,
So well used to his aquatic occupation.
At other times he is old and tired,
Barely floundering on the surface.
Despite his age he has a spryness about him.
But is that enough to carry us through?
--------
all questions, no answers. oh - how the mighty fall.
it's so disjointed. primarily due to how i have fallen. or at least that is how i feel at this particular epoch. different times will give rise to different emotions.
fucking A.
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spud
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2007 1 November :: 3.10am
as much as i feel like a lot just happened, i also feel like nothing's going to change. which is both good and bad.
and i just never know what the fuck i'm supposed to do with it all. it's like god's cruel joke.
puts all the fucking pieces in my hand, and just expects me to figure it out. the only flaw being that sometimes i have extra parts that i made myself, and sometimes i'm missing a few parts that slid under the couch. but i can't just give up on the puzzle because the parts sometimes come alive and bash me upside the head, until i put them together. and then the next shipment arrives, the moment i torque down the last bolt.
it's bullshit, i'm telling you.
and also, i have to remember that, while social relationships are like atomic bonds, once the bond is separated, sometimes they take an electron with. and sometimes they give you one. and sometimes you just trade a few. i think it works. too bad nobody else understands it.
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spud
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2007 31 October :: 2.17am
i carved a pumpkin tonight. it turned out well.
i also baked the seeds, which also turned out well, considering i forgot them in the oven for over half an hour.
and i got a sharpie tattoo of a skeleton from lindsay. nice work, linz. looks badass. oven mitt and all.
now time to sleep, so i can sort of act normal tomorrow-ish. although i don't have any plans for the evening. i may wind up studying, or something ridiculous like that. but c'mon, it's fucking halloween. i can do better than that. what'd i do last year? i don't remember. and the year before that i hung out with gunnie.
i always wind up being pretty boring on halloween. like the time i read harry potter while i was giving out candy. i enjoyed it, but it was very solitary and slow. which i guess i need sometimes.
i really want to play again. it's seriously beginning to hurt me inside. i just want it. so fucking bad. maybe this thing with robby is an answer.
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spud
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2007 30 October :: 5.41am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Cake
Paper
Wood pulp; sometimes I despise you.
Now how the hell do I finish it? Dammit. Maybe after a couple hours of sleep this will fix itself.
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spud
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2007 26 October :: 2.17am
:: Mood: winding down
:: Music: billy hirt - a time for reflection
we could make sweet music together...
i had fun at lindsay's tonight. i feel like there was some good conversation. although, i'm not sure how much of it she'll recall. but that's okay. fun times were had by all.
i want to play again. lately i've had the itch so badly it hurts.
interestingly enough, tonight i didn't have the ache. i had honestly not thought about the ache until katie brought it up as i was walking her home. i didn't know how to respond at first when she said it. i take it as a sign that things are beginning to be right again. at least for us, if nothing else, which is good.
but i still feel like, in spite of that, there's still so much that isn't right for me. but i can't tell what it is or how to fix it.
'til some producer with computers fixes all my shitty tracks.
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justadreamer
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2007 25 October :: 2.18pm
for the record
being told that I'm
obsessive
and that
I should stop thinking about things
does not help.
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spud
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2007 25 October :: 2.25am
it's cold outside. and now my nipples are tender. i guess that's what i get.
maybe tomorrow i'll just go topless.
this deodorant smells awful.
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spud
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2007 25 October :: 1.03am
retrospective
"maybe i just don't want a relationship at all. i like being single and flirting with everyone. i don't know... when ever i start to get close to some one it is ok at first and i am all for it and then they start doing things that just freak me out. and then i run away. hmmm.... i need to find someone perfect for me, my personality needs to match their's, i can't be in a relationship where i feel like there is so much that i just can't live up to. why is it so hard for me to meet people i am actually attracted to. this sucks. i feel like i need to have someone, but i just don't want anyone i know. i need to meet someone new. which is hard. i'll try."
at least she's always known what she needs.
i have no idea what i need. or what i want. or what i have.
i'm a menace to society and myself.
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spud
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2007 22 October :: 12.34pm
:: Mood: not good
it's funny how quickly things change sometimes.
it's not funny how slowly i adapt to them. because just about the time i get settled in (if at all), it changes again anyway, and i'm just that much less interested in attempting to change for the next time.
funnier yet is how even when i don't feel like trying, i wind up changing anyway. it just seems like it should be more advertent and thought out.
this all adds up to me being listless and worthless, and me feeling all the emotions appropriate to those qualifications.
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