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| lynds4090 (profile) wrote, on 1-1-2005 at 1:46am | |
| this day has sucked. i don't ever want to re live this day. i hate this day. waking up early to go to a funeral isn't my favorite thing to do. i was strong. i was strong until my aunt started crying on my shoulder. i was fine until then but i looked away and tried to think of somthing else. i was fine after.. i got teary eyed when they caried the casket out. i cried. i cried when uncle eddie came in from carrying it out to the car and grabed my grandma and just started bawiling. in all my life i have never seen my ed cry. so i don't approve of the way his life went and the everyday choices he makes but he cried like he was 5. today ed was different. i don't knwo why. maybe it was because he didn't get his buz before.. idk. he just seemed different. it was as if we were on the same page. we related to somthing. when he grabed me and gave me a hug.. i didn't know what to do. i didn't want to cry but when a grown man is crying on.. what do you do? this is my uncle eddie who has done so much stuff.. illeagal stuff and he is bawling right now. everyone was crying... my mom, pitts, aunt jane, and eddie... all crying on my grandma... my grandma just hugged them all. it was sad but at the same time soothing. how can my grandma still have the strength to not cry but have all 4 of he grown children cry on her? how? it is kinda sad that right now i am just relizing how strong some people are. how great some people are. why was i so blind? why did it have to take a death in order for me to see this. being a mother is a huge responsibility. and i'm just now relizing it. i knew it would be hard and you would have to have a lot of strength to pay the bills and raise the children right but to love them with all that. i'm now talking bout my g. grandma. 18 kids.. 3 of which were biologically her own but yet she considered all to be hers. you have to have a gift to walk in a marriage w/ a guy who is 20 years older than you w/ 8 kids.. raging 5 to 19. you only be 22.. one of your childeren only being 3 years younger than you. and have them actrually be able to accept you as a mother? wow. just think about it.. that is absolulty nuts. well i don't wanna keep ranting on this. i've just cried as much as i wanted to. my great grandma was an awesome lady... now she is in heaven. a great glourious place. she is happy. so yeah now back to high school life. um thanks a lot guys. you guys arn't my friends... i'm stupid. i shouldn't of wasted my time on you... on any of you.. because you don't take a chance to even talk to me anymore. it kinda hurts when you think you have this huge group of friends and not one of them call. its not so much i wanted to go its the fact that you didn't think to call me and wish me a happy new year or anything! you guys just upset me. i need to move on. who cares about being around you. you are just stupid guys who just want sex. you guys are so shallow its sad. absolutly sad. i can't wait to get out of cedar. you know.. i'm to the point in my life where i don't really give a fuck where i go anymore. as long as it is far away from here. far away from this place. i've come to the conclusion that i'm not going to care so much about social life and concentrate on the things that really matter. school and singing.. those things are important to me in life and clearly i'm not on your list so why should you be on mine? i could care less if you are jealous... get use to it. ah i proally sound like the biggest bitch right there but i wish i could print that out and give to all those fucking losers... i'm sure it won't even leave a dent in their hearts and just keep going on w/ life. oh well. it would give me some satisfaction. but tongiht i had some fun. the high light of the night was running over andy's foot. lol....... i don't think i have laughed so hard in my life. that really just made this whole break better... i just hope it isn't broken. and i love hanging out w/ brandee. today was kinda fun hanging out w/ my brothers too... when jon came over it was like having a third brother.. although he doesn't really gang up on me lol. but yeah. today was beautiful!!! i would be in such a worse mood if outside wasn't so warm and spring like... too bad it wasn't spring but it is fun to pretend for awhile. well thats really all... hopefully i'm done crying and hopefully something great will happen soon... it doesn't have to be great.. just somthing better than what has been going on. anything little would make my day. like when i waslittle my grandma would give me little surprises.. it would range from a barbie outfit to a choc. muffin. anything thoughtful would mean so much. well if anyone wants to do anything tomorrow i'm up for it!!! ttyl bye!!! *muah! lindsey ooh happy new year! 2005 |
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lilschaub | 01-01-05 11:03am Linds I am so sorry about your Great Grandma. They just took the feeding tube out of my Great Grandma and she could live a couple days to a week so I know what your going though. I love you give me a call if you need to talk or just wanna hang out. |
tare | 01-01-05 2:49pm i love you lindsey dear, no matter what yousay. |
| lynds4090 | Re:, 01-01-05 7:39pm aww thanks guys.. it really does mean a lot |