YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT

YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT

:: 2005 25 April :: 9.32pm
:: Mood: hurt
:: Music: Third Eye Blind - The Background

I just can't make up my mind about how I feel. I'm just angry. This is probably going to be the last post about this because I'm not going to get caught up in this. But today I was so happy and I was just pissed off and didn't care about him. But then people bring to my attention how much time and energy I've wasted. That I've gotten nothing out of this. And he's not concerned at all. That's what bothers me the most. He doesn't need to run away from me. That's about the wimpiest thing a guy has ever done. I'm not trying to beg for you back. I mean what do you think? I wanted to say I wanted to be his friend, and be there for him and shit. But.. I don't know now if he doesn't want to even look at me. Like.. I didn't do anything. It pisses me off. I'm done with worrying about this because I've got the greatest friends on earth. So that's about it. Well here's the song I told Ben I'd put in here. It doesn't really relate to anything. I'm just learning it on the guitar sort of.

Third Eye Blind - The Background Lyrics
Read more..

Are You a Hater?

mle

:: 2005 24 April :: 3.03pm
:: Mood: . introverted .
:: Music: . matchbox romance . my eyes burn .

. taking the good with the bad .

shitty weekend. in general. snow doesn't help, especially when i was supposed to get to paint the rock for our little rally thing for sfl. i was stoked.
and the rally went well, aside from the crazy protesters who ended up getting misdemeanors for the same old bs they always pull... there was an awesome band who played, and their guitarist ran up and started flirting w/ me mid-song. :)
i love those sfl kids. the guys are nice and the girls are so kickass. like, i'm always comfortable w/ them. my mentor even showed up, whom i totally adore. and mint mocha frappucino? receives a 9 in my book. needed more of a coffee taste, for sure, though.

but i wanted marcus to leave as soon as he got here friday night. yesterday morning i was counting down till he left. i just.. feel so lazy, so cornered, so leashed up with him. like i cant get anything done, nor can i go out or party.
and i tried to go out last night with the girls. failed because they're all fucking bitches and i seriously hate the way they treat me.
especially because of their late-night drunken antics.

so i was totally bummed out, just sitting online and being a total loser after they left, and nicholas calls me. yes, nicholas-the-love-of-my-life (if he were not gay, that is) who never calls anyone back. totally made my night. then stephy and michelle started talking to me. yay-ness. and ken came down to hang out. we've never hung out outside of sfl, so i thought it was going to be uber-awkward. not at all. he stayed until 530am, just sitting around talking. of course, interrupted several times by the girls, who came back in a few waves, just trashed out of their minds.
there's something about him. i can't put my finger on it. he's so nice, and so easy to open up to. i mean, i feel like he knows more about me after one night than all of the girls combined do, including sarah. craziness. and he talked a lot about his love life and his family. things i never would have expected out of him. i mean, this kid has never been further west than minnesota, but he's studying abroad in israel and bangladesh for his senior year. we joked that i should go to bangladesh when he does, because i had originally wanted to go on that internship program (until i decided that going to 6 continents during undergrad was an important goal, and that thailand > bangladesh). (oh yea - and i calculated today: my 4 study abroads will run me $21,000 plus airfare and some meals - holy crap, huh?)
and he convinced me to swap my racquetball class so that we can be in the same class. that's going to be a total blast. at 8am, apparently (yuck).
but i'm excited to be vp under him, well as of yesterday. i know - me be excited about being #2? craziness.

sometimes, i feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
and i can't help but ask myself how much i let the fear
take the wheel and steer
it's driven me before...
but lately i am beginning to find that
i should be the one behind the wheel
. incubus . drive .

and as much as i tried to avoid it, the marcus deal came up when ken and i were talking. every time i talk to someone else about him, i come to realizations. marcus would yell at me for letting others mess with my mind, but in reality, it's just the fact that hearing yourself be honest out loud not only gets things off your chest, it helps you to analyze them. like riding back to state with a family friend on friday. me and her had never really talked directly about stuff because, well, she's my mom's best friend.
but the reactions i get from people about the situation... they all realize instantly that i'm being controlled by a boyfriend that i broken up with 6 months ago.
i mean, this kid didn't want me to hang out w/ one of my best friends from high school when i went home on thursday night. um, his girlfriend just died from a coma from a car accident... and marcus didn't want me to see him (and made me call him as soon as i got home to tell him nothing happened and was pissed that we went to jimmy's house and a party) because we've had something in the past that never quite went anywhere. marcus's going to italy has completely depended upon whether or not i had feelings or hooked up with other guys. he asks me every week if he is still going to italy, because he refuses to if i have done something with anyone or felt any inclinations with any boys. now, obviously, in the past 6 months this has been broken a few times.. but when it does, he gets pissed as hell at me and acts like i cheated on him and blames his choice not to go to italy on me (when he was the one who placed the "no-boy" stipulation)

and this weekend made me realize
that i can never have a relationship with this child ever again.

because he ruined it for the both of us.

Are You a Hater?

shannonw55

:: 2005 22 April :: 4.06pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: Third Eye Blind

So I guess he just couldn't commit. He's not the right guy for me. But I will miss it.
I think I'm okay now. I'm kinda mad though, cuz I made this big long list on woohu that I was gonna privitize anyway of all the stupid reasons I didn't like him anymore. It ended up being kinda funny. Andrea and I would have a good laugh if it hadn't gotten DELETED! arrg. whatever.
This really isn't explaining how I feel.
It would have been cool if he had told me what was bugging him.
I'm sorry I'm not "fun" and that I'm "happy in the morning". I bet you had a field day when I cried this morning. I'm glad I've finally made you smile. We really could have talked this out. You're missing out, Josh. You're not a good breaker-upper. Way to let me down really hard a week after I thought it was going really well.
I know you'll never read this, but I still care about you. And if you ever need somebody, I'm still here.
I'm completely pathetic. I'm going to go puke. I was wondering if I should jump out my window. That would be fun. Straight into the pool. I wonder which would kill me first? Impact or suffocation? I'm sorry I said that. I wouldn't do it. I'm just being emotional.
But ya know what bugs me? I left 1st hour because I was upset and didn't wanna be all upset in front of the whole world. So I came back 4th hour in time for lunch so that I could talk to Josh about it. I was telling myself that I was so tough for coming back. So, so tough. But really, I'm a wimp. I'm a stupid wimp for caring that much to talk to him. I still want to talk to him, but I'm not gonna go beg for him back. I guess there just had to be one time in my life that I have to learn that I can't love hard. I loved too much and he was just looking for a damn fling. I'll definetly be okay in time. I refuse to get myself sick over this. I'm drinking orange juice. lol. Whenever I get upset I get ill. But this isn't gonna do it. Sigh..-hence the reason I haven't been sick all that time I was going out with Josh. I wasn't upset.- ugg. And he doesn't care. So. I need to shut up. One day he's gonna look back and wonder why he ditched such a good girl. I'm a good girl. Maybe that's just not what he's into. So I guess he'll never regret it. Nevermind.
I hope we can still be friends and this isn't gonna be some "oh-crap-i-see-you-in-the-hallway-must-avert-eyes" kinda deal. I still care about him.
I'm an idiot. I really hate myself. I must be a damn moron for him to only last 2 months w/ me. I'm being dumb. I'm done with this entry.

5 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

shannonw55

:: 2005 20 April :: 7.32pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Blink 182 - Stockholm Syndrome

This is making me completely sick to my stomach. It's sad I still don't know exactly what's going on, and I act like it's nothing.

Andrea, I don't know where you are right now, but I tried calling you like 5 times. I kinda need somebody to talk to...

1 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

shannonw55

:: 2005 19 April :: 5.38pm
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: Seether/Amy Lee - Broken

I have a problem with over-analyzing things.

1 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

mle

:: 2005 19 April :: 6.29pm
:: Mood: . resentful .
:: Music: . death cab for cutie . tiny vessels .

. spring has the highest suicide rate .

that's always an odd thought - that most people make it through the cold, dark, yucky winter in order to throw in the towel in the rejuvenating spring.

right?

not through my eyes, no.
give me winter over spring any damned day.
spring not only means i've wasted another school year being a failure, but it means i am forced to shed
i get a kick out of being positive and upbeat while everyone else is gloomy and miserable. but once they're happier than me, then it becomes an uphill struggle just to get out of bed in the morning.
the courtyard turns into a beach when the temperature hits 60, i've found out. today was terrible - i didnt leave the building at all until i went to get food next door. i couldn't even walk the 100 ft w/o getting attacked by several frisbees and nearly stepping on one of the 80 million naked girls lying on the grass. i will never understand the obsession with laying out. sure, i like to have color in my skin, and i enjoy the sun/outdoors. but the sweat and the brightness and the inability to sleep and the long hours.. eww.
but i've been miserable lately. with the lack of productivity, high-stress level, and, above all else, the onset of warm weather. i feel as though every cute girl, decked out in her glamorous shades, long shiny hair, tiny vintage tee, and low-slung mini skirt, is personally ripping a strip of my heart out with her god-damned fake nails. ever since the spring rush thing that i convinced myself i was totally okay with, i have been obsessed with everything greek. not kidding. on face book i look up sorority girls all the time, admiring the 400 gorgeous friends they have and the snotty suburb they grew up in and their glamorous party picture. it's so stupid, but i bleed green with envy over it. and when i catch myself, i think "emily, do you really think you would have fit in with them?" and i know the answer. i know it would have only made me more upset... but it's so hard to think about where i could be right now if i had pledged or if i could rush in the fall.
and all i want is to dress the style i want to. because i have good taste, dammit. but i can't because i'm fat and currently my entire body is peeling from that weekend excursion to jacksonville/gainesville florida 2 weeks ago. all i want is to look like them... to have their body, their face...
i am intensely superficial, i've decided. if i could change 3 thing about myself, they would be: weight/body type, skin, inability to reach my goals/standards. well, i would also make myself ethnic of some sort, but that is a little far-fetched.

and the marcus ordeal returns to its pre-fight status: trying desperately not to call him too much or hang out w/ him too much, yet feeling as though he is all i have anymore. he is the only person in the world who understands me. and, to be quite honest, the only one i feel like i can tell anything anymore. i'm incapable of opening up, even when people ask me to (ken). i don't know where the line is of curiosity and annoyance, so i just don't even try.
which means i typically end up unexpectedly breaking down to either my mom or marcus. or my pillow. whenever i get the luxury of no roomie in the room, that is.

my heart aches.
but what/whom for... that is the mystery.

5 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

shannonw55

:: 2005 8 April :: 7.32pm
:: Mood: shocked
:: Music: John Mayer

Who else is disgusted?

www.bonsaikitten.com

...kittiessssss..... :'(

3 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

shannonw55

:: 2005 3 April :: 6.29pm
:: Mood: refreshed
:: Music: Greenwheel - Breathe

So I'm in Florida. We got here 4 hours late because of a four hour traffic jam in Cordelle, Georgia. It was crazy. There were people getting out of their cars and talking to other people and getting out to pee in the bushes and such. It was gross. So we got here at midnight. Now my dad's gone so im online but i probably have to get off soon. My sentences suck in this journal. It is warm. I think I got sunburned. :) It's nice. I miss you guys. Me and Josh's 2 month is tomorrow. It will be cool... cept i won't be there... :( See ya'll soon.

"And home is a feeling I've buried in you."
-Greenwheel

1 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

shannonw55

:: 2005 31 March :: 3.49pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: Third Eye Blind - I Want You

So I'm going to Florida tomorrow.
There's no mailbox. It sucks. I'm gonna miss everybody. I hope we have fun.
The talent show was disappointing. There were good singers but it wasn't as much fun as Middle School. I'm gonna try out for it next year. Play my acoustic. It will be bomb. I can't bring my guitar w/ me to Florida. I will miss Jasmine. :( And Andrea. And Josh.
I don't think I'm prepared to go. I know that I'm forgetting a lot of stuff, but I can't think of what it is. Pretty much all I've packed so far are clothes.
So send me emails because I'll probably be bored with nothing but my clothes. What can you do w/ clothes? Maybe I'll go streaking. ahaha.. No. I'll see you when I get back. I'm determined to have fun...

1 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

shannonw55

:: 2005 22 March :: 4.20pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Maria Mena - You're The Only One

Ok yeah. I feel really dumb now. But I don't think it's my fault... right?

Are You a Hater?

shannonw55

:: 2005 21 March :: 7.39pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: The Killers - Mr. Brightside

How do you do the "read more" link thing?

6 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

mle

:: 2005 20 March :: 1.22pm
:: Mood: . thoughtful .
:: Music: . marcus mix .

. bad news, bad news .

yea, that title seems more depressing in text. when sarah says it, it's humorous. like scandalousness is unavoidable.
anyways

today i have this odd calming feeling. like i figured something out, but if i have, i don't know it yet. i know- makes no sense at all. the bad news is that i keep thinking that i want marcus back.. maybe after "living" for a few months, i can handle having him as my one and only.
i doubt it's an option with what's been going on (you all missed out on the spring break drama - let's just say marcus and i are supposedly not talking).
i don't know, kiddos. i miss him. and i love him. and i'm uncertain if i like the way my life has been unfolding as of late. i keep thinking that i should really experience other guys, and i feel drawn to other guys... but i always think of marcus. so am i just searching for a rebound, or am i really ready for an entire lifetime without marcus?
i wish i could call him and beg for him to come out here like i used to. he'd pick me up outside the library and we'd cruise around campus listening to coheed. we'd go get hummus from woody's and sit on the couch watching comedy central. then climb up into bed at a ridiculously early hour and fall asleep curled up together, with my carebear in between us, of course.

more later - back to studying

Are You a Hater?

shannonw55

:: 2005 19 March :: 1.54pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: The Killers - Andy, You're a Star