YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT

2 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

:: 2004 12 December :: 11.50am
:: Mood: . pissed . (pronouced pest)
:: Music: . papa roach . walking thru barbed wire .

i would just like to state the fact that i FUCKING HATE people. namely, stupid girls who get all pissy from my meaningless side banter. find some fucking patience or a sense of humor or die.
seriously. i wish i could slit her throat for being so ridiculous.
go ahead an pout in your pissy "i'm so fucking emo" way. i hope you die, bitch.

:: 2004 11 December :: 11.28pm
:: Mood: . procrastinating .
:: Music: . brand new . sic transit gloria (glory fades) .

. yea so i should be tackling the bitch of EC 251H.. but i'm not. so i'm going to waste more time :) .

i stole this survey off some hot guy that lives in 2 south that i stalked on facebook. hah. facebook is hilarious...

Have you ever...
[x] drank.
[x] kissed a member of the opposite sex.
[x] rode in a taxi.
[x] been dumped.
[x] shoplifted.
[ ] been fired. (i'm just too spectacular of an employee)

[ ] been in a fist fight.
[x] had a threesome - kissing or otherwise
[x] snuck out of your parent's house.
[ ] been arrested.
[x] made out with a stranger.
[ ] stole something from your job .
[ ] celebrated new years in times square.
[ ] went on a blind date .
[x] lied to a friend.
[x] had a crush on a teacher.
[ ] celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans.
[x] been to europe.
[x] skipped school.
[x] thrown up from drinking.
[ ] lost your sibling
[x] played 'clue'
[x] had a sleepover party.
[x] went ice skating.
[x] cheated on a bf/gf.
[x] been cheated on. (well, i have good reason to beleive...)
[x] had a sweet sixteen.
[x] had a car.
[x] drove.
Do you...
[ ] have a bf.
[ ] have a gf.
[x] have a crush.
[x] feel loved.
[x] feel lonely.
[x] feel happy.
[x] hate yourself.
[ ] think you are attractive.
[ ] have a dog.
[x] have your own room.(at home)
[x] listen to rap. (sometimes)
[x] listen to rock.
[ ] listen to soul.
[x] listen to techno.
[x] listen to reggae.
[x] paint your nails.
[x] have more than 1 best friend.
[x] play an instrument.
[ ] have slippers.
[ ] wear boxers.
[x] wear black eyeliner.
[x] like the color blue.
[x] like the color yellow.
[ ] cyber.
[x] like to read.
[x] like to write.
[ ] have long hair.
[x] have short hair.
[x] have a cell phone.
[x] have a laptop.
[ ] have a pager.
Are you...
[x] ugly.
[ ] pretty.
[x] ok.
[x] bored.
[x] happy.
[x] bilingual. (i try)
[x] white.
[ ] black.
[ ] mexican.
[ ] asian.
[x] short.
[ ] tall.
[ ] grounded.
[x] sick.
[x] lazy.
[x] single.
[ ] taken.
[x] looking.
[ ] not looking.
[x] talking to someone.
[x] IMing someone.
[x] scared to die.
[x] tired.
[x] sleepy.
[ ] annoyed.
[ ] hungry.
[x] thirsty.
[ ] on the phone.
[x] in your room.
[x] drinking something.
[ ] eating something.
[x] in your pjs. (well, pj pants and nice top)
[x] ticklish.
[x] listening to music.

ok. that was overrated. but he wasnt. too bad he was taken. stupid slut.
anyways :) i'll catch you fools later - either in a super-stressed post during finals week or during ultra-boredom of christmas break. can't wait. :)

:: 2004 8 December :: 10.01am
:: Mood: . school-girl giddy .
:: Music: . nofx . the decline .

. here's an upbeat post :) enjoy, kiddos .

yup. i am the biggest geek ever. ever. it's quite amusing and almost pathetic: boys bring me out of my dark stage. i feel like a little middle school girl passing notes with "the cutest boy on the face of the earth!" except, in reality, even sillier than that.
i have a strong tendancy to get a crush on any guy who talks to me. or, in this case, come home with me after a party, gets blazed in his room, then spends the night on my futon, cuddling and watching ocean's 11 till 5am.
yup, that's right - i finally went out with katherine and lindsey and those girls. i wasn't looking forward to the awkardness of house parties in which i know basically no one. but hey, get a glass of wine and a few non-chased shots in me and i'll be the life of the party anywhere. it was craziness. and i loved it :) (even waking up drunk to go home and work a 5-hour shift the next morning)
so this boy. larry. don't know anything about him. it's kinda funny...
anywho. i'm stilly giddy from talking to him last night, plus add on bryant-ness.

hah. bryant. let's just say there is no person more opposite than me, but yet we still have a lot in common. it's bizarre. but yea - i don't think i've talked about him before. quick recap: he worked at the pools this summer. ghetto-est person alive. from st. louis (spent the summer "kickin' it with my homeboy" aka visiting his dad). we talked a lot because he wanted me, and this kid is amazing underneath those plaitnum teeth and baggy-ass clothes. we did go see a movie and hung out at a party once, but i always felt really awkward around him because hmm, let's see - he's as ghetto and bad-life-situation as you can get. me? oh yea, the only black guy i've ever spent considerable time with is my uncle. and he's technically latino. let's just say half the time i didnt understand what he was saying. silly me :)
ok, but back to the point. i haven't talked to him since the pools closed because, well, i've been out here and i didn't know where he was. this weekend, i thought about him and i was like "hm, i wonder whatever happened to that kid" but didnt call because i only had his gr number. ironically, the next morning i have an email from his new cell being all like "hey baby girl, hows yer life goin?" etc. cutest thing ever. so i call him. awkward. didnt last long. then, last night, as i'm talking to katherine about larry, he text msgs me. so cute. we do that back and forth for a while, then he gives up and calls me. we talked for like a half hour about where his life is going and how i made him want a better life and etc etc etc. i have never met anyone like him.
hah- example: we were talking about how he missed seeing me and talking to me everyday, being all sweet and non-ghetto. all of a sudden he's like "hold up - HEY BITCHES! GET YA ASS DOWN HERR NIGGAZ. I NEED A FUCKIN CIG!" and that's my non-ghetto translation and shortened version. two different people in one body, i swear.

anyways... i miss that kid. and of course, he's going into the army next month, so i wont even get to talk to him for forever. stupid war.

but those are my boy-stories and the reasoning behind my giddy-ness. i love boys :)
and i love playing the field :)

:: 2004 7 December :: 12.25pm
:: Music: "idaho" new ams

she knows something i don't. i have this feeling. but its over. good fucking bye.

:: 2004 29 November :: 6.50pm
:: Mood: .
:: Music: . the december drive . this side you've never seen .

. "every day is the worst day of my life. that means that every time you see me, that's on the worst day of my life."
- office space (roughly quoted) .
that's right, kiddos. every day gets worse and worse. i feel like such a broken record. maybe this shit needs to turn around.

i'm homesick.
what the flip? i have never been homesick in my life, even with all of the traveling i did as a kid.
no, this is different.
this is me being invisible. no one knows i exist here. oo, mysterious you say. no. heart-shattering.
i'm decomposing inside. at an alarming rate. first to go was my appearance. second was my scholastic ambition. next up: lung capacity.
i just don't understand this world. what did i ever do that was so horrific to deserve this? all i want is for someone to show even the slightest recognition that i'm bleeding, or at least, breathing. but they won't. why am i unable of living a moderate, content life like the swarms of people who walk this god damned earth? what did i do to erase my happily ever after? i'm i really that worthless and subordinate that i'm incapable of a modest life with modest friends, modest fun, modest success?

i'm very seriously contemplating transferring. or dropping out. but let's be real: who would want to take me in? and what good would it do? i've had this problem since holy spirit... this is my third school since then (fourth if you count those handful of classes at grcc). clearly, it's not the people around me.
therefore, it must be me.

so if i want to eradicate the problem...

be strong, be strong now
too many, too many problems
don't know where she belongs, where she belongs...
her feelings she hides, the truth she can't find
she's losing her mind, she's falling behind
she can't find her place, she's losing her faith
she's fallen from grace, she's all over the place
she wants to go home but nobody's home
that's where she lies broken inside
there's no place to go, no place to go
to dry her eyes, broken inside
. avril . nobody's home .

will i survive to see the sun rise?

:: 2004 28 November :: 3.52am

i miss you.
and i wish you'd miss me too...

1 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

:: 2004 22 November :: 12.34am
:: Mood: . sleepy .
:: Music: . three days grace . wake up.

. i need a navigator or i just might drive in circles forever .

anytime i feel like i'm getting somewhere, something happens that makes me question everything. and i'm back to square one. and the sudden onset of sarah-and-nicole-but-not-emily-ness is definitely not helping any. i feel like i have no one. well, there's always marcus, but that's another ridiculous entry in itself...

hardly breathing on my own
don't have the words to say to you...
in time i'll know enough to know better
. the december drive . this side you've never seen .

god i love that song. it is the story of my life. highly recommend downloading it off of their website.

i moved out 3 months ago, and i've been 18 for a month. why don't i feel any different? i still go home almost every weekend, and i still think about my parents when i make more than half of my daily decisions and all of my major ones. am i the only adult who feels more and more like a child every day?

this whole thing with marcus is just tieing me up in circles. seriously- why can't i just choose yes or no? we've been on a break for a full 3 weeks... and i still see him 1-3 days a week. he still sleeps in my bed, and he's coming to the g.parents' for thanksgiving. he is such a comfort and i need him in my life, but at the same time, i am always searching for independence. i keep a definite lookout for guys to distract myself with. i'm hoping for a couple good flings before the end of the semester ;)

and i thought high school was for "finding yourself" or whatever that bullshit theme of adolescence is. man, senior year, i had it all worked out. i was going places, with or without a solid friend base. now... i just suck. i don't quite fit in with my ultra-liberal slacker friends, but i don't feel comfortable with katherine and lindsey and all of those pretty, typical college girls. i don't think there is a place for me in life.

pull the trigger and the nightmare stops
. coheed and cambria . three evils .

what did i ever do to deserve such perpetual disappointment?

:: 2004 8 November :: 12.24am

regardless of what she thinks or what i say we all know the truth. we all know why i don't want to stay here. we know why i've been miserable and why everything i've wanted has changed. i know deep down that nothing would be different and hell it might even be worse... but stupid girls will be stupid girls and i am one of those. and i can't give up hope.

xoxo <3
miss u

:: 2004 20 October :: 2.38am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: "new american classic"

its never been like this. of all the times i thought i was feeling down, its never been like this. i'm just literally so confused and unhappy that i can't even sleep anymore. its 1:33 central standard time. i have class at 8:30. it might kill me. to put on this facade every day as if things are just fine and i am so content with going to a big 10 school with the other 35000 people who roam the sidewalks. but i don't know how long i can do it. i've broken down to too many people already and i've let down even more. i wish things were easy again. i wish it was january of last year, when i was the happiest i've ever been, and at this point, maybe the happiest i will ever be. i miss everything about how things used to be. they will never be the same, and its too late to go back. that alone is enough to give up. i'm giving up. so long...

:: 2004 19 October :: 12.34am
:: Mood: . weepy .
:: Music: . wallflowers . bleeders. (that's right, old-schooling it up)

. first real letter home to mommy .

i feel like a big kid now. i just wrote my first real letter (err, email) to mom. like, about real stuff. i have never really told her anything of my real life.

"It's been really really tough for me the past couple weeks. I really hate MC201: it's my lowest grade, most boring/difficult class, and the most time-consuming, by far. I keep thinking that it's just a bad week and that the next one will be fine, and then I can get back to handling situations the way I should and want to. But in reality, each week just gets worse. It sucks to know in the back of my mind that the only real reason I'm in Madison is in case I decide to go to law school (which I really don't know if I'll do or not.) It's extremely difficult for me to know that I would be pulling an easy 4.0 in any other program. It's even harder to have suitemates who are in that position (and whom I hang out with a lot.)
I've been overwhelmingly disappointed in just about everything (except the 4.0 I got on my Spanish paper today.) I feel like the whole world is out to drag me down; I just can't win."

should be interesting to see how she responds to it...

that's pretty honest between me and her. i'd never be able to say that to her in person. probably because i'm the biggest crier on the face of the earth, and tonight just proved that sickeningly true. maybe i'll get my tear ducts removed when i'm some hotshot lawyer. that'd be pimp. no more teary breakdowns at completely inappropriate times. dulce.

i'm due for a miracle
i'm waiting for a sign
i'll stare straight into the sun
and i won't close my eyes
'till i understand or go blind
. thrice . stare at the sun .

god, i can't believe it's only monday.

1 People Hate Dashboard | Are You a Hater?

:: 2004 13 October :: 2.29pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: acoustic-ness

. yup, worst day of my life... two days in a row.

all those things left undiscovered
leave me empty and left to wonder
i need you, i need you, yea...
there's a million reasons why i cry
hold my covers tight and close my eyes
cause i don't want to be alone
. undiscovered . ashlee simpson .

words just aren't coming easily anymore.

who decided i just wasn't cut out for the life i want to live? who decided i was supposed to deteriorate like this? who decided i would spent my days sitting in the lounge, crying on the phone?

high school was so sheltered. i wasn't the smartest, the most athletic. i wasn't the prettiest, the most popular. i wasn't the richest, the most respected.
but i was somebody. i had a name.

here, i'm just another anonymous face in the crowd. on my way to classes, i see faces i will never see again in my four years on campus. i don't even recognize people in my econ class of 40 students.
no one knows my name. no one knows me.
no one loves me.

back in high school, not a single person dropped out in my grade until senior year... and none of those 4 people dropped out... they were kicked out.
here... people drop out more often than i shower. (and i shower twice a day most days.) there have been 2 girls from my floor who dropped out, katherine's pre-med-genius friend... a handful from the james madison freshman class. i don't think i can handle the stench of failure on this campus. (or is that just beer and puke?) jesus christ - i live on the honors floor, why are these people dropping out? with each name i hear of people who have dropped out, i keep thinking to myself: "that could be me... why isn't that me? that should be me."

i've gone home twice in the past 4 days... each time i go home, i get smacked with reality. everyone expects the most out of me. i was the anal-retentive type-A overachiever in grade school and high school. my siblings didn't emerge until college. therefore, i should bypass them.
and i want to. dammit, i want to graduate with high honor from the honors college and james madison college. i want a masters in social work and a law degree from nothing less than notre dame or u of m. i want to study abroad as many times as i (and my parents) can afford.

but i can't.
every day that is engraved deeper and deeper into my mind.
i think every week is just a tough week.. it will get better.

it doesn't.

will i ever escape this horrible, horrible place?

and who actually gets the flu from the flu shot? seriously, now. anyone want a semi-infected, gently-worn body? sell, lease, or trade. cash and paypal gladly accepted.

:: 2004 10 October :: 11.47pm
:: Music: "valentine" - the get up kids

sorry... so sorry.
so i messed up again. i don't want to talk about it or think about it ever again. i hope it never comes up. nothing happened and now i refuse to let anything like that happen again. thats seriously the last time... i can't even forgive myself for this. i wish it had never happened. i just want things to be like in february... i miss you andrew, i miss you so bad.

:: 2004 9 October :: 11.20pm

i was wrong. he did. and now i love him x infinity + 1 more again.

:: 2004 8 October :: 10.57pm
:: Mood: . detached .
:: Music: . sugarcult . memory (acoustic) .

. god, why can't this election just be over with already? .

life here in james madison college is crazy with all of this campaigning going on. it's like.. who the hell thought it'd be a good idea to shove all of the pre-law, pre-politician students into one dorm? it makes me sick.
i'm caught between: most of my friends are crazy-liberals, but the awesome people in students for life so crazy-conservatives. sure, i'm pretty liberal, but once that sore spot comes up in a heated political debate (which is everything here in madison), i can't even look at the person without feeling hatred for their selfish and short-term views.

my advice, kiddies:
don't ever attempt to be a pro-life democrat.
people don't understand what it means to be compassionate anymore.

this week sucked. today sucked even more. except that i spent the morning in lisa's 1st grade classroom over at red cedar school. god, i love those children. i want to scoop them all up and bring them back to my dorm with me. they'd be the best roomies ever.
oh, speaking of roomies, i'm getting a new one as of sunday. girls had problems on our floor, so i offered up my roomie for a switch. i'm so nice :)

sitting here, listening to old-school, chill-out third eye blind makes me really think...
i really hate it here. not here as in michigan, msu, james madison.... here as in on earth, in my body. i hate it here. all i want is to curl up in a ball in my bed and never, ever, ever see the light of day again. everytime i lie down, i try to stay conscious as long as possible before i fall asleep because there's a little part of me that hopes it will be the last few shocks shooting across my brain.
maybe i should drop out and move to california. clearly, coming here wasn't enough of a fresh start. i see my past every day, i think about it every minute. the ghosts won't move on.

i don't even know what to do with myself anymore.