:: 2006 7 February :: 9.42 pm

yeah.
blah blah blah.

i am but words writ in water.

blah blah blah.

*sigh*

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 7 February :: 11.20 am

omg. i seriously cannot even take 5 more days of this...

i am so serious!

i haven't seen roman in 3 weeks

THREE WEEKS

i am freaking out times a million.

and what's more ... i got hired at QUIZNOs where i dont even want to work. it MIGHT be good because i'll be getting a lot of hours. 18-20 to start. and i can keep my lazer skate job. BUT who wants to work that many hours anyway.

i'd rather work less hours for more money so if this job really turns out to suck, i'll just go back to ever-lovin' Rosie's

ughghgh

i'm so frusterated i cannot take it.

and 3 tests in one day. what more can suck?

and it's my first test in my class at CC.... Rueben if you read this tell me what it was like PLEASE!

2 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 1 February :: 8.54 pm

ugh i am constantly annoyed aren't i?

27 / 4/4747474747 24/7

all.
the.
time.

i am annoyed and stressed. UGAHHHHHHHHHLSKD


everything is wrong.

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 31 January :: 2.09 pm

lyke omg. i totally hate high skool

gahhahahahhahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 31 January :: 10.59 am

on the outside.

whatever

4 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 30 January :: 11.11 am

for me
http://myfreedomdeals.com/library/newspaper-ad.pdf

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 28 January :: 1.34 pm

UGHGHGHGHGHGHG I HATE PEOPLE!!!

and i'm getting so sick of YOU!

stop assuming things and actually do something. gawd you drive me up the wall in the worst ways sometimes. actually fucking just do something


and nothign is gona get better.

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 27 January :: 6.17 pm
:: Mood: crappy

well i guess that's the end for us!!

it's been hard and i guess it wasnt worth it afterall


and please note all of this is entirely untrue and i'm saying it out of extreme spite.

and look who just called

see. what'd i tell you? i'm totally just saying it cuz i'm mad. after we fight

and there he goes calling me to talk. right in the middle of the entry i'm writing purely because i'm mad at him and we say we're going to end it. see there he goes messing up my entry. now none of it's relevant.


and look he wants to be with me

and i'm all smiley because this is dumb.

uggggggggggggggggggggh take me home with you.

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 26 January :: 10.14 pm

ughghghhghg right

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 25 January :: 10.45 am

people astonish me in the absolute worst way possible.

i hate it here.

and i hate you

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 25 January :: 7.15 am

ughghhghgghhghghghhgh alll you stupid people ughghghghhghgh
i'm never taking it for granted anymore. way too many stupid people do. ughghghgh
sdgas
dglksadg
sldkgj;sldkfsd;f

i can tell today everything is going to piss me off.

i miss roman and for real this time i wont see him for... let see: not this week not next week not the next week after that but the next WEEKEND after that i will see him.

fuck this.

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 24 January :: 2.48 pm

i begged you not to go i begged i pleaded

no new years day. to celebrate . no chocolate covered candy hearts to give away

lalalalala

i just called to say i love you


i just called to say how much i cared

i just callded to say i love you
and i mean it from the bottom of my heart

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

i hate school i'm gonna bust some mofos up.

.Noferreal.

1 ::..So what? | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 20 January :: 9.26 pm

i am in a really bad mood right now...

i have to go to lazer skate in like 5 minutes and work the entire night at all nighter and for what? ... to earn about 50 fucking bucks.

i swear i should just become a prostitute i'd make so much more money. seriously i can't even believe myself that i'm staying up an entire night working for only 50 or 60 dollars.

and then.. tomorrow , i have to babysit. can you believe it. right

and then Sunday to top it all off......................... the day i'm supposed to see roman ONCE A FRICKEN WEEK



we're not even seeing each other this week

oh but next week


well next week



we wont see each other either


and probably not the fucking week after that until he gets his first paycheck at his new job down there

god i'm gonna fucking cry i know i'm trying to be freaking strong or WHATEVER but hey it's not working when i dont see him for more than a fucking week.

So yeah i guess what i'm saying is i HATE lack of money and i HATE not seeing roman so dont take seeing your loved one for granted okay.

ughasdlgkjasdl;gkjsdgl;kasjdgl;jasdgl;jl; jwhat a fucking shitty day.

1 ::..So what? | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 18 January :: 6.54 pm

so i figured out what i hate so incredibly much

and i would never do that to any of you so i really hope karma comes back to you to get you what you deserve.

ughghghghg

1 ::..So what? | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 17 January :: 10.14 pm

lol hahaha omg. jess i have something to tell you. omg............. rarr.

2 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 16 January :: 9.10 pm

okay, is this odd?

"It's no exaggeration to say that the pain and desperation of cluster headaches have actually led to suicides."

...orrrrr what? lol. i'm dumb sorry.

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 16 January :: 11.20 am

oh my gawd. lol....

i love you and i dont care who knows it :0)




jeez louise. i'm in love with you.

(Jess you know i'll really really miss you. But) I can't wait for everything to start.
Love,
Jess

5 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 15 January :: 9.50 pm

today was so hectic but everything turned out great. i love roman so much. i am so lucky.

we are so lucky.

and jess i totally freakin love you. we both do lol

1 ::..So what? | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 14 January :: 5.19 pm

no not really. i'm already eating a sandwich. i'm done pretending thanks

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 13 January :: 4.02 pm

ughghghhghg i think i hate myself. maybe i should stop being a bitch to everyone. well you dont know anyway

4 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 13 January :: 1.46 pm

yeah i knew it'd be kind of like this. it's not that bad but i am not that strong... or something

ugh. i love you despite everything and anything. and yeah sorry but i could never deny that.

2 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 11 January :: 6.45 pm

ughghgh this afternoon is not going well..

the search for a new job is not going at all. and everything sucks and i'm sick of driving everywhere and i am REALLY sick of writing the same thing a THOUSAND times. about where i worked and who i am and where i live. omg. and i'm sick of hearing i need to be 18.

i have 41 unread messages in my email. and i just haven't checked it for only 2 days. so that means its probably massive amount of junk that despite my blocking is never going to stop getting to me

i saw some girl lying dead or hurt or something in the middle of fricken alpine as i was leaving. ugh just not a good image and not a good thing

my headlight is out.

i hate peopl.e

i have a headache like every day of my life i swear.

and yeah i forgot my psych book so there goes my huge assignment. i KNEW i 'd forget it. ughghg i swear i can't remember anything at ALL EVER!!

i ..roman. i mis s him so much.

2 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 9 January :: 12.25 am

welll i love roman and i can't wait for everything to begin i guess heh.

my little nephew allan




my little "poonta" "Rrrroman, I LOWWWW YOU"


hheahahaaaaaaa.

4 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 8 January :: 3.57 am

omg. seriously so this is what it's gonna be like for the next 5 months of my life. 4 am will quickly become my friend i suppose... grarrr. bleh.

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 7 January :: 6.52 pm

i love jess...

and SERIOUSLY i wish those people were my parents. honestly.

1 ::..So what? | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 6 January :: 1.57 pm

i am seriously and completely totaly 100% fed up and i am fu cking done i fucking swear. so here i go. you fucking bitches. god damn i am so fucking sick of stupid school. there's no way i am going to gain any useful knowledge in this next semester. i want to quit so bad i can't stand people at all. fucking stupid assholes i swear i thought i had friends in these people and i dont even fucking care i'm just going to out them on here right now.

for one- jessie g. god damn i thought we were like best friends. we got in that fucking fight and whatever. wwe talked and i thought everything was solved from what we said. you told me you believed me and him and it was fine. later i heard from someone that you said you "basically had to lie to get [me] to forgive you" well even after i heard that, i just brushed it off because i figured our fucking friendship was more important but i fucking guess not. i guess i can throw away all those portrait pictures of us cuz i have way too many to do anything with. what is the point. god even after that i still just wanted to repair our friendship. i can't even believe it . jess i missed you and everything and so i just decided to put the past behind us and fix it. but no. so what happens. i fucking think that we are finally getting back to normal and so i invite you over. you say you can't that night but you will tomrorow. time passes and you dont show up. i call and you say you'll call me back and then come over in just a little bit . more time passes and you dont fucking call. i call and your sister says hold on. she picks back up and says can she call you right back. you dont fucking call me back and when i call you to see what the hells going on you dont even fucking pick up your phone. dont be a fucking coward about it. and i am going to confront you about it cuz that's bullshit. so you can just look forward to the day i do. i'm getting around to it i just have too much on my plate right now. dont be a fucking coward. if you dont want to hang out with me or fucking be my friend than fucking tell me so . and sure as hell dont smile at me in the hallway like nothing is wrong. that is bullshit jess. wow i cant believe i thought i was one of the people you DIDNT talk bad about. well looks like i was wrong. and if you've been wondering, yes i have gained 10 pounds so you can rejoice in the fact that you look better than me so have fun with that. i just wanted to reassure you in case you'd beenwondering. i'm so sick of fucking fake people and fucking cowards. step up to your shit.

what next...

everyone in roman's family. i swear. i liked them all so much to start. and now i am the evil villian in every situation. they think i snatched him up and stole him away. well believe it or not he made every decision by himself. i didn't tell him to move out by any means. the thought alone scared me. i ddin't even know he did it until he called me or i got a hold of him one way or another and he told me that away. and by no means was i like YES score roman! good move! hooray. i mean come the fuck on. are you crazy. do you really think i was saying .. 'roman you should move out, come on it'd be good for us and it would be fun' like what do people think honestly? when i found out he moved out i was scared. scared for him and for us. and this was a year ago. you guys seem to be fine after the whole not lviing at home thing so leave me out of it. do you really think he's pack his stuff and live with his friend just because i suggested it or something? and he's 18 now so he is his own man. he went to college and now he's moved again. not under my influence. so stop giving me shit about it. maybe if you hadnt given him the ultamatum of choosing me or college, he'd live with you. well you saw how far that got you. 4 days and then he realized whats more important to him. how horrible of you. honestly. i cant BELIEVE i tried to reason with you and talk everything out and help you to understand me and get to know me and you coaxed me like a little lamb. making me think you finally were respecting me and our choices. i played by your little FUCKED up rules and even after he decided to come back to me, you tried to put in another twist. calling and telling lies so i wouldn't want him back. telling me i probably want to get pregnant to make him stay with. god that is the biggest load of bullshit i have ever been told. i would never put my child in such a horrible position. so stop thinking i'm like that. i know one day you'll see that i am a good person. and i am. maybe if you backed off of us and just let us be together he'd be happy to come home. maybe if you stopped saying how horrible i am. you know.. maybe that's a thought. secondly, i'm not a bad influence. roman of course is a brilliant and responsible guy on his own but i am the one who says be careful and dont get in trouble. yeah we made some stupid moves but we did that together and i think that's what part of being a teenager involves. i think most teenagers 'run away' at least once in their life and teenagers just generally fuck up. but we sure as hell didnt do anything terrible. and i am not to blame for his moving out. so stop being so against me because nothing is going to change and obviously we've stuck it out this long and your COMPLETE RUDENESS isn't going to change our relationship so you can stop trying and maybe fucking try being civil. you think i'm a psycho? take a look at yourself first. i like you people but dont hate me for no reason. it's unfair. and whatever. go ahead and dont like me , i can't stop that but dont be fucking rude as hell when i say something and what? act like you are deaf? you can't hear me? am i not in the room? you cna't look me in the fucking eyes? FUCKING COWARDS is what i say. stand up and just face a problem. i am on the verge of deciding if i should come up and try to be a bigger person about it and ask if we can get over it together. But for what? to be denied? i dont want to. it will come eventually but meanwhile i will see if maybe you just have enough guts to do it first. there was a time where i thought we were fine.

i am so stressed with roman's moving and school and workBULLSHIT and PEOPLE for sure and my car and money and this college class i'm taking. i cannot take one more thing. i can't. and i have to quit band so i can work because i can't do pep band and he wont let up on it. it's all just taking a toll on me. i can't fucking stand people and i cant stand school.

i dont htink anyone knows how badly i am ready for this change and to get away. sorry but i think i'm going to leave some loose ends. oh well i guess.

next, i honestly dont know who to trust anymore. i really think the only people i can are Roman and jess. there are a few people i trust mostly but who am i kidding. honestly i think i have friends and then i realize they want nothing to do with me. well sorry whatever fine with me i suppose.

logan you're an asshole and dont pretend to be my friend. you're only a friend when i'm the only one around. you are just like andy. i can't believe you turned into a clone of him. i thought we were really friends to each other but i guess not. god seriously dont act like we are. and dont act like i'm not good enough because guess what, i am good enough but you're not good enough for me . and would you like to know why? because of how you treat me. i'm sick of it. i would never ignore you like you do me. You're a fucking Sischo Jr. Congratulations you fucking bastard. You probably wanted to be him all along.

And to you, no i'm sorry i dont have enough guts to say your name. I dont feel like dealing with because i already have once. You're a fucking liar. Dont smile to my face and decieve me to my back. i really wanted to be your friend. i thought you were funny and nice and smart. but i guess not . you're just like your friend. except worse because you dont leave roman alone. Fuck you. oh and just in case you ddin't catch on, the reason Roman completely ignored you was because he doesn't like you. At all.

What is a "good" person anymore? Maybe i'm not good enough for any of you. Good riddance.

I want my prozac back and where's my beuy? that'd be nice........

5 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2006 6 January :: 1.18 pm

this is going to f ucking suck

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 4 January :: 11.03 pm

okay well that was funny but not really. jess come on. funny but not when you change every single when i had that whole quote copied from a movie and sat there and wrote every word from it and then you just erased it all and i had other shit listed to so i duno i'm just kinda pissed especially when you know i've had a horrible day. it was funny when i saw you changed the picture but ithink you went to far .... cuz now all that info is just lost and i relaly dont feel like typing it again. al;ksdjfl;asdkfjasdl;fjksdl;fjl;kdj;asjkdf whatever

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 3 January :: 10.23 pm

we fit so fucking good together nothing could compare and no one will ever take his place in my heart, in my life, ever... and i swear i'm not giving up.

but i do know that these next few months are gonna be total hell. or very close to it. but all for a wonderful pay off after that.

love you babe

::Yessa..::

:: 2006 3 January :: 5.34 pm

okay..

I love roman. And it seems like every week there are obstacles thrown at us left and right. Like everyone except God is wanting us to give up.

But ya know what we say? We say fuck you! And we're never giving up.

It's gonna be a challenge but it's gonna be so worth it. And I can't wait for a few more months. So excited.

And now: I am going to go celebrate Stef and Paul's Engaaaagement.

P.S. (I love Roman)

8 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::