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:: 2010 5 December :: 8.49am

I turned 23 years old yesterday. It's hard to imagine that I've had this journal for about a decade. Almost more than half of my life.

I didn't really do anything 'special' for my birthday. It's the weekend before finals and I'm entrenched in some tough paper and exam writing--but I know that I'll get through it. I just keep chugging along and crossing things off my list and eventually it will be Saturday.

Oh yeah. I graduate from college on Saturday. I'm going to walk across the stage and everything. I'm graduating Magna Cum Laude (I think, whatever the second best one is). I get to wear a big metal, but not as big as the highest honors people get to wear.

Last week was a week of lasts: last undergraduate classes, last Kappa Kappa Psi meeting as an active Brother, my last band concert at CMU, last week of being 22 years old. I thought I was going to be a mess, but I'm actually quite zen about it. I will miss it, but I have the feeling it's just time for me to go--to move on, to do other things.

I will be a graduate student in January and I think being a graduate student is going to be easier than the last few years of undergraduate work. I'm only taking 6 credits, and they are both literature seminars. I'm waiting to take more until I get full funding at a graduate assistant. That is, if I'm still at CMU.

I'm almost done with my application for the joint PhD program (English and Women's Studies) at the University of Michigan. I'm scared to move away, scared that this could be a real possibility, but at the same time, it feels so good that I've come this far. They only accept 3 people per year, and that would mean that I would beat out out over 100 other applicants, most probably with Masters degrees already. We'll have to see. It would mean that Rueben and I would be apart for a semester, so that would be tough, but fuck, it's a PhD program with complete funding.

Exciting, exciting things happening. I can't wait until Christmas break when I can sit around in my owl pajamas and eat bon bons (well, okay, popcorn).

:: 2010 4 December :: 12.44am

We manufacture synthetic reasonings to justify our existence.

I don't need something else to validate why I'm here.

3 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 3 December :: 3.53pm

so,
there is this local bar that mike and i love to go to... they have the best variety of tea mixes (30+ flavors of long islands) and pretty awesome (and super sized portions of) food.
Obviously we will be eating there... but I am annoyed that now when I try to be social and ask my younger friends to go out they assume that it is for food. I asked them out to have a drink... NOT FOOD! so why is it that they want to tell me they don't want to eat there? That is totally irrelevant.
Stupid 21/ 22 yr olds. ugh.

Don't tell me i am antisocial-- I try to be social and you always reject my offers, so bite me. you are all ridiculous!

:: 2010 30 November :: 12.45pm
:: Music: Rufus Wainwright- Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

Take a lot of sentimental valiums...
Cigarettes and chocolate milk
These are just a couple of my cravings
Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger
A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me

If I should buy jellybeans
Have to eat them all in just one sitting
Everything it seems I like's a little bit sweeter
A little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

And then there's those other things
Which for several reasons we won't mention
Everything about 'em is a little bit stranger, a little bit harder
A little bit deadly

It isn't very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted

Sitting here remembering me
Always been a shoe made for the city
Go ahead accuse me of just singing about places
With scrappy boys faces have general run of the town

Playing with prodigal sons
Take a lot of sentimental valiums
Can't expect the world to be your Raggedy Andy
While running on empty you little old doll with a frown

You got to keep in the game
Retaining mystique while facing forward
I suggest a reading of Lessoon in Tightropes
Or surfing your high hopes or adios Kansas

It isn't very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted

Still there's not a show on my back
Holes or a friendly intervention
I'm just a little bit heiress, a little bit Irish
A little bit Tower of Pisa
Whenever I see ya
So please be kind if I'm a mess

Cigarettes and chocolate milk
Cigarettes and chocolate milk

:: 2010 30 November :: 1.38am

outing myself

yes, i'm on zoosk. sorry. i'm still not entirely sure why. but it intrigues me to see who's out there. at the same time, it's depressing to realize that everyone (who uses a dating service) is stupid.

attention zooskers (it's a word now. noah webster is rolling in his grave):

just because you graduated from high school does not mean that you have a graduate degree. if this many 22 year olds actually had a masters, i would not be so disappointed in humanity. instead, my sadness is deepened further by the fact that they don't understand the difference. if you're 22, divorced, with kids at home, you do not have a graduate degree. please stop claiming anything to the contrary. i apologise that i smoke and drink on a regular basis. beyond all that, i'm not such a bad guy. even still, i'm probably not the best one to help raise your intellectually challenged spawn from that asshole that dumped you. if for no other reason than the fact that i lack the financial wherewithal to do so. and i can probably come up with a few other reasons to boot. namely, i don't want to.

8 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 28 November :: 11.07pm

Missed a stop sign and crashed my truck, this blows.

10 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

jes	:: 2010 29 November :: 10.41pm Getting nervous.......anxious....excited.....mostly, nervous! I think he's coming VERY soon! We shall see. ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 27 November :: 3.54am

Stinger hasn't even finished scanning yet and I can tell mom's lappy is pretty fucked. Not because of viruses so much as because she never deletes ANYTHING, and there are a gajillion processes running in the background. I can't see them for some reason, but I can tell they are there, just by the way it's running.

4 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 22 November :: 5.09pm

this is the point in time where I usually pack it in and say fuck it.

but fuck that.... not this time bitches.

the question is is it really worth the effort its going to take? and on top of that, the amount of emotional energy its going to consume?

I really dont understand the situation at all, but clearly somethings going to have to give.

its so easy to give up when its two ways, but its so difficult to capitulate when its one sided.... why is that? I dont really have anything to prove, and theoretically speaking, Im sitting pretty otherwise. Its like Im 18 again... I dont like me at 18...

1 ::..So what? | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 18 November :: 12.36pm

soo... life has been life
up until about 2:30 yesterday it totally sucked... but then I found out I didn't have class for the next 2 days (like today and tomorrow) and my life got better.

As usual mike and I are a toss up. I get sick of him being inconsiderate, and him constantly swearing (you don't realize how stupid swearing is until you hear it being used as every other word when someone is talking). I am sure he is sick of me "being a bitch" but I have always been a bitch so what are you to do? All I want is to be able to pay the bills and do my homework and get them both where they need to go on time. I mean is that too much to ask?

So thankfully I don't ave school again for like a week and a half, which totally rocks. I do have a bunch of stuff to get finished for classes still but nothing new to add to them, which is wonderful!
Leaving for MI sometime in the next few days, and doing lots of work at Dad's store but I enjoy actually getting to have the time to design and finish everything.

Sooo, if you are in MI and read this... I have the same number I have always had, If you want to hang out just call.
PS. I would love to visit east town and maybe drink, have some coffee or hookah... so if you want to do that you should definitely call.

:: 2010 28 October :: 9.27pm

Shoot
I could use a steak and a good beer right about now.

3 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 27 October :: 12.56pm

In the light of the sun
Is there anyone?
Oh, it has begun
Oh dear, you look so lost
Eyes are red and tears are shed
Some world you must have crossed .

You said, You don't know me
You don't even care
She said, you don't know me
You don't wear my chains

The essential yet appealed
Carry all your thoughts cross an open field
When flowers gaze at you
They're not the only ones
Who cry when they see you

You said, You don't know me
You don't even care
She said, you don't know me
You don't wear my chains

She said, I think I'm going to Boston
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
No one knows my name
I'll get out of California
I'm tired of the weather
I think I'll get a lover
I'll fly 'em out to Spain

I think I'm going to Boston
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town
To leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of the sunset
Here it's nice in the summer
Some snow would be nice

2 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 26 October :: 9.32am

of course it is my fault. it's always my fault.

if that's how you feel, i hope you enjoy the feeling of loneliness you will be feeling until I am able to split for good. I'm done.

:: 2010 21 October :: 1.10am

feels so alone. with nobody to comfort me or show me love or affection, i'm here, alone, trying to fight through this on my own. i need him to comfort me and tell me it will all be ok, but that will never happen. i can't "change" him. god forbid i ask for love and compassion, or at least a little bit of sympathy. i need him to hold me and tell me it'll all be ok. but he's too fucking cold hearted. and the one person i could go to to pull me through any emotional crisis is off with someone new and it kills me.

jordanmackenzie7

:: 2010 19 October :: 7.25pm

I am happy.

I am content.

It feels so good to say that.

<3

2 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 18 October :: 3.59pm
:: Mood: pensive

is that why they say people 'fall' for each other?
journal is going to be 9 years old this winter.

way to be fucking old, journal. you should try harder.

--------------------------------------

i keep seeing all these people getting together. i suppose it's all part of the annual cycle. as gunnie said, it's the time of year when i really start wanting a girlfriend.

it seems like summer's all about being single, and going out and playing the field. but now that it's fall, people are all getting ready to settle down and prepare for the winter hibernation. plus i think there's just something romantic about the leaves and the harvest and all that. it's a nice time of year to appreciate the coziness and warmth that can be had in a relationship - especially a fresh one.

the more i see people shacking up (and for the first time ever, my sister is one of them... don't think i haven't noticed that she's been hiding him from the family), the more left out i feel. not that i want to be a part of the herd necessarily, but i like the coziness and the warm fuzzies. and it's really hard to get that by yourself. after all, i should know.

speaking of The Herd; chuck and i have begun writing our Cultural Revolution Manifesto, or CRM. it's currently a very rough first draft. once we do some editing, augmentation, and revisions, i will start posting up the revised copies as we finish them. neither of us is very motivated, so who knows how long it will be. but at least we're getting started.

peace out, mr. j. it's been a pleasure, as always.

p.s. went to visit mike yesterday. he's doing incredibly well, considering that 3 weeks ago he was as good as dead. seems to know what's going on for the most part, but still gets confused occasionally. at least his nurses are cute. that should make things more tolerable.

5 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 10 October :: 12.16am

Still alive.

3 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 8 October :: 7.14pm
:: Mood: despondent
:: Music: Metric- Help, I'm Alive

I am in desperate need of sanity.
All i seem to do anymore is pull you down, make you miserable
I am nothing but a path of destruction and i don't think I can change.

:: 2010 7 October :: 2.39pm

I'm on music obsession kick.
I think I have gotten almost 150 new songs... with another 100 or so to go.
Things are so much better when I am home alone. I think before I start the next batch of music though I am going to clean more in case anyone comes over this weekend. I know, not likely- but i am crazy about having a spotless apt when people visit now, so i better do it or I'll be pissed if they do.

And bonus, all new music to listen to while I clean.

:: 2010 6 October :: 2.44am

i ought to be working on homework and I seem to be addicted to updating my facebook status tonight... So in an effort not to update it again, I am on here to bitch about my lack of motivation and constant distraction from my husband sleeping next to me... and rolling onto me, ect.

i hate writing intensive classes!

2 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 1 October :: 9.38pm

I took the GRE today. The testing center is in the basement of one of the old dormitories at Central. It was weird. And dark.

I earned a 550 on the verbal section and a 480 on the quantitative section. I'm going to take it again in a year if I don't get admitted to University of Michigan's joint PhD program in English and Women's Studies.

1 ::..So what? | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 30 September :: 4.58pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: The Eels

Just a quickie...
Been busting my ass lately. doing lots of digging, building, chainsawing, etc. at the boss's house. cut down a pine tree with the neighbor here at the house last weekend. busy busy busy.

but i have tomorrow off. i am sleeping in, goddammit.

it feels good to have been accomplishing stuff. and my muscles are really sore, but that should be a good thing, right? right.

last weekend our friend mike was in an accident. he was drunk, supposedly driving home, which doesn't explain what he was doing out on lincoln lake rd. when he was in GR, and lives in Grant. he hit a firetruck, which then rolled down an embankment. but at least he had prompt first aid. he's still unconscious in intensive care, but he seems to have stabilized a bit, and is even improving in some regards. it was pretty touch and go for awhile, and there's still the likelihood of paralysis, and a slight risk of brain damage. i guess at least he didn't kill anyone. it's weird, because mike has always driven drunk. i'm not sure if it's more surprising that it happened at all, or that it took this long. but, if you pray, he and his family really need it. i have been, in my own way.

sorry if that brought you down. just the facts of whats going on.

otherwise, it's life as usual. i actually have a bit of money in the bank, which blows my mind. and it's not a lot. so, i'm just waiting for something expensive to happen. but in the meantime, it feels good to have a little cushion. and gas in the truck.

now, to work on whittling away at some of that money and starting off my long weekend properly....

2 ::..So what?..:: | ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 19 September :: 4.40pm

In case anyone still reads this, and hasn't already heard, I'm running for Congress this year.

www.PickShick.org

:: 2010 9 September :: 11.45am

so i have not been here in a long time, some updates... going to college finally for music ED>>> had a son on valentines day his name is zander currently 6 months old...

latley i have been finding no time for myself and it rather makes me angry. the worst is that no one cares to help. while yes i am 23 married and have a kid i could use some one else to think about me for once....OH WELL

life is good other then that i miss my dad like crazy, he has been gone for almost a year and i still can not get over it

:: 2010 3 September :: 7.40am

i don't want life handed to me on a platter, but i sure do wish things would go smoothly for once.

:: 2010 2 September :: 12.12pm

I really can't do this.

:: 2010 27 August :: 11.53am

�What does love look like?� is the question I�ve been pondering
�What does love look like?�
�What does love look like?� is the question I�ve been asking of You

I once believed that love was romance, just a chance
I even thought that love was for the lucky and the beautiful
I once believed that love was a momentary bliss
But love is more than this
All You ever wanted was my attention
All You ever wanted was love from me
All You ever wanted was my affections, to sit here at Your feet

Then I sat down, a little frustrated and confused
If all of life comes down to love
Then love has to be more than sentiment
More than selfishness and selfish gain

And then I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
He was looking at me, looking at Him, staring through me
I could not escape those beautiful eyes
And I began to weep and weep

He had arms wide open, a heart exposed
Arms wide open; He was bleeding, bleeding

Love�s definition, love�s definition was looking at me
Looking at Him, hanging on a tree
I began to weep and weep and weep and weep

This is how I know what love is, this is how I know what love is

And as I sat there weeping, crying
Those beautiful eyes, full of desire and love

He said to me, �You shall love Me, You shall love Me
You shall love Me, You shall love Me�

With arms wide open, a heart exposed
With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding

If anybody�s looking for love in all the wrong places
If you�ve been searching for love, come to Me, come to Me
Take up your cross, deny yourself
Forget your father�s house and run, run with Me
You were made for abandonment, wholeheartedness
You were made for someone greater, someone bigger, so follow Me
And You�ll come alive when you learn to die

:: 2010 24 August :: 11.06am

life is a whirlwind right now. so many good things, and so many that i am freaking out about.
I just got back to WI and now I feel like I need to turn around and head right back to michigan.
f*ing pain.

jes	:: 2010 23 August :: 8.36pm You give my life more meaning than I could of ever imagined. I already am in love with you. I cannot wait to look into those eyes...see that smile...give you all my love...and have my life complete. ::Yessa..::

:: 2010 21 August :: 11.10pm
:: Mood: calm

It's the end of the week, but only the beginning of the end. This is the Saturday before I start my last semester as an undergraduate college student. This was also the first week that I have been on educational leave from The Company since my freshman year of college.

I spent the entire week devoted to volunteering at CMU's band camp: meal set up, instrument sorting, wind suit dissemination, water cooler wrangling, to name a few of the tasks. Tonight, I and several of my Brothers went to see Jeff Daniels perform a concert in the streets of downtown Mt. Pleasant as volunteers for the Red Cross. They were raising money specifically for their infant pantry and I was able to collect the largest single donation: a $100 check.

Standing in the middle of the barricaded road with my Red Cross Volunteer Vest made me think about what I am doing. I intend to apply for a joint PhD program in English and Women's Studies at the University of Michigan this fall (for fall 2011 admittance). I want this degree because I think it will allow me to have a job in the eventual downfall of the University English Department; but the real reason I want it is so that I can understand. I want to KNOW. I want to examine those socio-economic hetero-patriarchal hegemonic power structures so that I KNOW how to turn them in on themselves. I want to expose them and say "AHA! I've got you now!" I want to understand why things happen the way they do so that I can make others understand. I want them to be empowered so they have a chance to make a choice for themselves; to be able to have some semblance of freedom (I know there are several hundred theorists which would, at this point, as if freedom is even possible; Janis Joplin would tell me it happens when there's nothing left to lose).

But, at this point in time, an academic has just so much hold. There is so much to do and not every woman (or man that cares about these power structures-yes, men can be feminists, too) is going to be going through a university class which others like me will teach. What to do? Why aren't there more of us helping organizations like the infant's pantry? Why didn't I know that the Women's Shelter probably needed volunteers? That's how I can start to make a difference.

I was thinking this as I stood there under the street light as the sun began to go down and about one hundred people crowded around the small stage to meet Jeff Daniels. I stood there, holding my donation bucket, smiling as everyone walked past me, guiltily looking away because they did not want or could not afford a donation. I didn't donate any money simply because I don't have any to give; but I have my time. I gave my time and my thoughts and stood there, smiling, hoping that at least each person walking by thought about what it might be like to be a woman or a man going into that pantry, how he or she got there, and why.

Why?

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