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:: 2007 9 October :: 1.08pm

Today is nice and calm and blue and a little cloudy, and not at all evil and sticky and gross like the past few days.

I have a feeling, somewhere in me, that I can't put a finger on, but I know it's there. I hate that, not being able to identify what I feel.

I signed my major today. I am officially an English major going for a Bachelor of Science in Education, Secondary Certification degree...thing. I'm going to sign my minor in a few days, I think. I need to get this stuff done, especially since the new bill came out for Higher Education that has some stuff in it about tuition assistance for to-be teachers. I need that! ME! Right here!!

I feel _____ .

What is that blank? I feel....straight line? I feel, underscore? I feel.....blank? White? Spacey? Wiped out?

No. Not really. Sometimes I hate that I only have seventyish years on this planet, and I've already used up about one third of them. What have I done in my one third of a life time? Prepared for the second third, I guess. Is that a waste? I'm not sure. What if the second third ends up being about preparing for the third third...and what if the third third is preparing for death...then am I just living my whole life to die? Always preparing for a moment that will never come. What am I trying to achieve? What is the goal? Yes, to have a job, a car, a house, a family maybe....but...why? To have a stable life for the future? What future? I'm afraid that I will have lived my life constantly trying to over achieve in a world that doesn't notice me.

I have poured my emotions into this text box so many times...

just an observation.

I don't understand how I function. I don't believe that there is an afterlife in the Christian sense of the word. I don't believe in a heaven or a hell...maybe a little waiting room with Cosmo and National Geographic magazines from 1988.

What keeps me from being totally depressed about living a whole life, and then just dying, like i was never here in the first place? How do i not be upset when I waste days doing things that I hate, because I know that I will never get those days back?

I know what the meaning of life is: ______________ .

I am feeling rushed.

:: 2007 9 October :: 12.06am

I am very angry and bitchy.

Last theology class tomorrow.

Tired.

:: 2007 7 October :: 5.27am

My brother called me earlier to tell me one of their new cats had died. The little cute one that would just chill on your shoulder.

I thought I was okay after I cried it out once but apparently I'm not. She was not gaining weight and Mom thinks she died of respiratory failure because she had a cold. My sister was at a friend's house and it was homecoming so they didn't tell her. And they haven't told her yet. Mom said she buried the cat, Hero, and will tell her on Sunday when she gets home.

Hannah had a rough time when we had to put McHenry to sleep and she loved this cat so I'll be up in Rockford tomorrow.

:: 2007 6 October :: 12.59pm

Pushing Daisies is a show you should watch if:
you have ovaries
you like Gilmore Girls
you like laughing
you like style
you need something to watch on Wednesdays because every other day is booked
you are worried about watching a new show too late (you can watch episodes you missed on abc.com)
you like Big Fish, Amelie, Edward Scissorhands, Wonderfalls or Wes Anderson
you are awesome
you are lame

Watch it, fools. Catch it on rerun

1010101

:: 2007 6 October :: 5.01am

I currently have a programming project that is due at midnight on sunday. I have been working on it all week. It is worth 10% of my grade. It currently totals well over 1,000 lines. I thought I'd be able to finish it by tonight. I was wrong.

As I see it, I have either written a complete mess that I will need to scrap and completely redo, or I have written acceptable code, but the compiler I am using is glitching on me and I will need to re-enter it anyways.

Either way, I still have a diagram that I am required to make.

Either way, I still need to make a file to compile this bastard in a linux environment.

Either way, I probably won't get to go swimming with my friends on Sunday.

Either way, I am MASSIVELY pissed...

...at this project for being absurdly large...

...at my professor for assigning the project and assuming we would be able to complete it after listening to his broken english and meandering powerpoint slides...

...at my TA's for not being available to help on weekends...

...at MSU for allowing such an unnecessarily difficult class to exist...

...at whoever the hell developed class inheritence in C++...

...at whoever the hell designed Microsoft Visual Studio in all it's glitchy glory, with all it's vague error messages that half the writers of the program probably couldn't decypher...

...and at Charles Babbage for originally proposing the concept of the computer.

In essence, I am so pissed that I could probably rip, not merely one, nor two nor three, nor even 50, but rather 100 kittens in half... ...lengthwise... ...with my bare hands.

Well, wish me luck I suppose.

And if I suffer a complete mental breakdown and wind up either dead or in a permenant coma, well, it was great knowing you all.

Adios

1 Coded Line | Submit New Line of Code

:: 2007 5 October :: 12.24am

I have a communication theory exam tomorrow morning that I'm not prepared for. I have a speech to give on monday that I'm not prepared for. I need to start doing some preparation!

Oh man.

So...I got the brother of the month award, which is pretty awesome, but not so awesome because it doesn't mean anything to anybody but me.

whatever.

I need to go study: relational dialectics! proxemics! symbolic interactionism! oh the horror...

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:: 2007 4 October :: 8.47pm

For those of you who want to join my NaNoWriMo quest, go to the website (nanowrimo.org), sign up and add me (Angel_Bob). You'll get an adorable email and then we can make a party and start this thing.

I've decided I'm going to write my romance novel because it does not need to be very good.

I'm planning already. 50,000 words in 30 days is 1,666.66667 words a day. I've decided to plan it out the first two days so 50,000 words in 28 days is 1,785.71429 words a day. So if I start in on it the first day, I'll need about 1667 words a day but if I wait, I'll need 1786 words a day. For comparison, MLK's I have a dream speech has 1,601 words. And that's not that long at all.

We can do it.

:: 2007 3 October :: 11.53pm

I have decided to try NaNoWriMo this year. We shall see how it goes.. I don't get on the computer much but I guess I could hand write it like the olden days.

I am sadly excited to do it. It's like motivation.

Oh, in case you don't know, November is National Novel Writing Month. A bunch of people all sign up and pledge to write a novel from November 1-30. A novel being a 175-page/50,000-word piece of work.

It's always sounded fun but I've never been inspired to do it until now. Or wanted to. This semester is easy and I can always get rid of a few hours at work if need be.

This is exciting. I am stoked.

P.S. If anyone else wants to do it (Katti, Jessa) that would be awesome. Then we can all motivate each other.

5 Coded Lines | Submit New Line of Code

:: 2007 3 October :: 9.54pm

Andy, I noticed a change in the saying. It is not cool. I loved you first. That bitch don't know shit.

In other news, I will not be able to go to Red Flannel for the first time in two years. Nick has to work which means Nick has the car. It wouldn't be the same without him anyway. This makes me sad. Red Flannel is the start of fall and I'd get to see Nick's parents.

And play bingo.

:: 2007 3 October :: 1.54pm

"Everything will exist, move, separate in a river of change which in that instant will dissolve it, age, and corrupt everything without a single voice to sound the alarm...The sun is burning itself alive, iron is crumbling into dust, aimless energy is dissipating in space, masses are wearing out in radiation, the earth is cooling into death...And you will wait for a mulatto and an animal, to cross the mountain and begin to live, to fill time, execute the steps and gestures of a macabre game in which life will advance as life dies; a dance of madness in which time will devour time and no one alive can halt, the irreversible course of death...The boy, the earth, the universe: in those three, someday there will be no light, no heat, no life...There will be only total, forgotten oneness, nameless, without a man to give it a name: space and time, matter and energy all fused into one....And all things will have the same name...None"

From The Death of Artemio Cruz
by Carlos Fuentes

1 Coded Line | Submit New Line of Code

:: 2007 2 October :: 10.52am

So, I woke up extra early to read the rest of my novel and write my paper. I read for an hour, all grumpy that I'm up, and I finally decide I'm going to skip my first class so i can go to the library to write my paper. I get to the library, check my email, and the class that I had to write the paper for was canceled.

I had a feeling.

Oh, and I was walking back from class, and there were these two people standing at one of the main intersection side walks with big signs about signing a petition for a ballet initiative for medical marijuana, so i signed it.

This has been a good morning.

3 Coded Lines | Submit New Line of Code

:: 2007 1 October :: 3.09pm

IT IS OCTOBURR YAY!

In other news, I wish I didn't procrastinate. But I am doing it right now and it is fun.

Also, my cold is magically gone. I have a little cough but nothing else.

My teeth hurt. I miss people.

OCTOBER IST HIRR! THAT MEANS FALL! AND LEAVES! CHANGING! COLORS!

:: 2007 1 October :: 2.25pm

They are demolishing the building next door. It's the twin of the apartment building that we live in. They took a crane and started scraping and raking at it, and it came down, foot by foot, in a cloud of dust.

It makes me upset by the destructive nature of our culture. I honestly don't think there was anything wrong with that building, other than it was forty years old. They just want to put up something new that they can charge three times as much for.

Thus, the downfall of our capitalist society, we destroy things that are perfectly fine in search of the almighty dollar.

Except that dollar is quickly losing value.

I don't know what my point is. I get so depressed when I think about money.

That reminds me, the new Meijer contract is out. I should go read it and find out how much more they're screwing me over. Honestly.

:: 2007 1 October :: 11.25am

I hate the girl that sits next to me in communication theory. She always comes in, much more loud than she should, sits down, sprawls out, and reeks of cigarette smoke. That's when she is feeling well enough to show up.

It's a lecture hall and the seats are really small and close together, and she insists on sitting sidesway in the chair, so not only does she take up all of her space, but half of mine as well. I hate that I have to sit there for fifty minutes with her leg touching mine, knowing that she is looking at my notes and always saying the wrong answer when she gets called on.

I would move, but I'm not giving up my first row seat. Never.

It just irks me.

My public speaking class was canceled today, but I still have to stick around campus to meet with my acting partner so we can practice. Boo.

Tonight, fundraising meeting, and I have to put together my new folder that I bought. It's pink. I finally decided that I'm going to make this position my own, and I'm not going to use the previous Chair's folder anymore. It's a step toward empowering myself and building up the fundraising committee in the fraternity. It's a step, no matter if it's just a symbolic one.

It was raining and cold when I woke up this morning, and the government wasn't shut down. I was enthused by the first, disappointed by the second.

Looks like it's going to rain all day.

Michelle