I've gotten into this weird habit where I'll write and write and write on here, and then when I'm finished I delete it.
It makes me feel better without letting everyone know how fucked up my life has become.
In high school I was forced to be the peppy girl that kept everyone elses spirts up.
When I am happy, holy shit, I am happy. And usually it's accompanied by extreme hyperness, but I'm not happy a lot.
I'm more often than not in a stuck feeling of what I like to call "blah."
I don't like it here anymore. I've associated my home as a place that's keeping me from where I want to be. My family as people doing their best to hold me back. My friends... they're pretty much non-existant anymore. That just plays right into the hands of the cliche "you find out who your friends are."
Jacob... there will always be Jacob. That's a given. He and Kelly are my best friends and I don't see that ever changing.
I think there is also going to always be a Tessi, though that I'm less thrilled about. I hate that I pretended to like her. Everything about her drives me insane, but we have mutual acquantinces so I can't just be like "wow, hey, I actually didn't like you in high school, and I sure as hell don't like you now, so ... goodbye."
That's mean.
I like to think of myself as, though not entirely a nice person, but a fair person.
I'll be rude to someone if they're being rude to me, but I don't tend to go up and start shit. That's just irresponsible to me.
There's also Kandace. She's great. She drinks a lot though, and so when I hang out with her, that's what we do. And we drink until we're passed out drunk.
Now, that's my problem 100% that I go along with it and drink with her, but I don't understand why I do; I don't even enjoy being in that state. She does it all the time, and it works for her, so whatever. I'm glad she enjoys herself. I just hate that we never hang out and do anything else. School was great, we made up stories all the time.
Kelly, you think I'm weird alone, wait until we hang out with Kandace present.
I have fun while drinking with her though, I do. I enjoy drinking. Just not to the point where I wake up and wonder where I am and how I got there.
Johanna... You know the movies where two friends meet up after 20 years and it's like nothing even changed? That's Jo and I. She's my oldest friend, but she's so wrapped up in her boyfriend Matt that we never hang out anymore.
Not that I help that, I never demand a girls night out, I'd rather sit in my pajamas and talk to Kelly.... So I understand completely, and we're still great friends so it works.

I feel like I'm going to be severely punished for taking for granted all the good things in my life, and merely focusing on the bad.
It's hard to be thankful though, when nothing's working out like you planned and you're scared everything that is good is going to come crashing down around you.

Maybe that's what's wrong with me lately. I'm so afraid that I'm going to lose the one thing that's keeping me going that I try to flood my mind with all the shit that's messed up and it's just depressing.
I don't know. I need to knock it off.

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