moana
|
::
2004 3 August :: 3.04pm
:: Music: deftones - teenager
big ranting post on good things and bad
there's got to be some more change in my life.
i climbed your arm, but you pulled away. a new cavity moved into my heart today. the more i scream, the more it seems, now i'm through.
cheers! i am going to rot in this pit-fall, this crack in the sidewalk we call our world, this weed in the pretty park of global politics. i suppose i should be upset. i suppose i'm a little upset. but i'm also kinda happy.
i'm not happy because i'm staying here. not at all. hell, i've said it before and i'll say it again. i deserve better than this. i'm gonna get better than this. but i'll just have to wait, oh about 5 years, give or take. i figure, maybe i can make my mom happy, and take every single course i can while i'm here. after graduation, i'll start with fall semester, winter semester, spring semester, summer semester, any semester at whatever season they offer, and i might graduate early. if i graduate by the time i'm say 20, no way in hell my mom's gonna force me to stay here on my thumbs, right? she wants me close, i know because she loves me, and i love her too.
i'm not entirely sure what i'm so happy about. it might be the fact that i'm through with the meds, or the fact that morrow morning's my final drip session for a while. maybe it has something to do with the idea that i'm mentally capable of doing this, and no matter what my mother or anyone says, i'm more mature than i should be. i feel old. but happy. like a little old lady, happy because she doesn't have any worries, and no reason to be sad. i have worries, but they're decreasing instead of increasing.
i like to think i learned how to prioritize. the hard way. i still learned. i also like to think i can manage my life pretty well, considering i'm a "mentally and emotionally unstable 16 year old", and that diagnosis is by all teenage standards, not adult standards. more so, i like to think i'm not a teenage drama queen, not seriously at least. jokingly, i'm the mistress, but seriously, i think i can be pretty rational and reasonable. maybe i cry at the drop of a hat, maybe i pity small helpless animals, and maybe i complain more than anyone really should, but none of that matters, none of it should matter so long as, under pressure, when it counts, i can keep a cool head and my wits about me. my mother does not believe it. it's funny to me. how am i ever gonna be responsible and learn to take care of myself when i live with her and can't even be home alone. it's funny to me. i'm still happy.
there's a point to this blabbering, i swear, and kudos for getting this far and managing to stay awake. in case you skimmed, get this.
THIS IS WHERE THE RAMBLING ENDS AND THE MORAL STARTS!
moral is, you don't need to be sad just because you have a whole list of reasons to be sad. there's always, always one good reason to be happy: you're alive.
so live. every day you do live is another day you get to hear, see, smell, touch, say, learn, feel, give, receive, something new. the list goes on, there's so much we don't know, so much we haven't expereienced or learned, there's so much we want to do, so few of us are willing to die today, because there's always something left for us to do. so it's just that wonderful, that fantastic, so great that words can never be able to describe it, it's that great to be alive.
5 mabidees |
something to say?
|
|
moana
|
::
2004 2 August :: 2.03pm
:: Music: my mother talking to herself about the winter catalogs
last night i dreamt you went away
and this morning i felt like hell for you. it crossed my mind how many times that i missed you so much in that space of life between the moment i woke up and the moment i opened my eyes to see your head on the pillow next to mine.
i had a fight with my brother. he dreams of growing up and becoming some big shot in a big shot office with a big shot car and a big shot wife. he says he wants to be successful. and to him, that's successful. the way he put it was, he wanted to go to work in a blue suit and have his secretary buzz him to tell him his wife is on line 2.
i don't want that life.
something to say?
|
|
moana
|
::
2004 30 July :: 8.00am
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: smashing pumpkins - soothe
andy: i've made you a pumpkin! bibbidy bobbidy boo!
this is my song. from the very first line, it's just my favourite word over n over n over again. wheee!
Hungry, hungry again
Hungry, hungry again
When will it start to sway
When will it start to almost break you
Hungry, hungry again
Hungry, hungry again
I'll miss you
And I wish you luck
Well, I forgive you
And I don't wish you away, away, away
It'll almost break you
Almost take you
Almost break you
Almost break you up
7 mabidees |
something to say?
|
cowboy67
|
::
2004 29 July :: 8.56pm
this is what i want to see when i reach those pearly gates
10 mabidees |
something to say?
|
|
moana
|
::
2004 29 July :: 4.10pm
:: Music: interpol - obstacle 2
hey remember that time we had offspring downstairs?
me: i'm gonna go blog about the offspring episode downstairs.
andy: the offspring episode?
me: yeah, just now.
andy: we never had offspring together downstairs...
anyway...
you know that song, offspring - the kids aren't alright?
we butchered it.
i wish i could post the mutilated lyrics here, but we didn't mutilate the lyrics. we just sang them a little... differently.
picture this. snapping your fingers, doing the snake, a huge goofy grin on your face. now picture us both doing that. singing, "jay committed suicide; brandon ODed and died!" also, andy would supply the "whoa!"s between each line. at one point, i snap my fingers, big goofy grin on face, and shoot my neck out as far to the right as i can reach. i wait for the "woah!" but it doesn't COME. there's a split second of silence as i stay in that position, then finally pull my neck back in and carry on with my little dance. during the chorus, we performed snake-like dances with our arms. nagama got a kick out of that... we're sitting/standing there, doing our dances, laughing insanely. i pose, arms up in the air, hip thrust out and holler, "i am not a stalker!"
poor danielle, the first words i say to her: "i am not a stalker." first impressions. gotta love em.
after we stopped laughing long enough to take a deep breath, i go, "you just totally killed all the syrianness of the song."
i'd meant to say "seriousness". wow. we laughed too much. *shakes head*
and that's the story of how andy n i made offspring downstairs.
2 mabidees |
something to say?
|
|
moana
|
::
2004 29 July :: 4.08pm
:: Music: smashing pumpkins - mayonnaise
jess's gone. i'm such a dork, i was the first one to start crying. i'll miss her. i wonder if i'll ever see her again...
something to say?
|
|
moana
|
::
2004 29 July :: 2.38pm
:: Music: smashing pumpkins - whir
Andy has cold feet. Literally.
something to say?
|
|
cowboy67
|
::
2004 29 July :: 3.04am
:: Music: morrissey
head in the clouds and a mouthful of pie
after megan somehow managed to convince danielle to go out tonight (i don't know what kind of LSD she slipped in danielle's sushi, but wow, it worked!) i was appointed the designated driver to take the girls to canada. oh my.
we got there at midnight.
after walking around and going into empty bars, we settled in at voodoo. *shakes head* it was packed like pickles [looks to joe for a chuckle]. it really wasn't fun.
i saw a waitress there that i'd talked to the last time we went. at that time, i'd inquired about the shots she was serving. they looked like chemistry test tubes. so i made a joke about it and she thought it was funny or whatever. so tonight when i saw her, i was like, "hey! chemistry test tubes!" and she was like, "hey, i remember you! i haven't seen you in a while, how are you?" danielle was standing there in shock. the waitress told me that there was a dress-up night at the bar, and she used my joke as inspiration for her costume - she was a chemist or something. so i said, "hey, do i get a free shot for that, then?" and she was like, "sure!" and gave me one. danielle was astonished at my smoothing talking. so i got a free test tube of red stuff.
megan and nicole were hit on by some weird dork. nicole got hoo-hah. bah.
the only other thing worth mentioning came at the end of the night. i walked over to an empty spot to lean against the wall, which just happened to be next to 3 girls. so this guy comes over to me and says, "hey - those girls are mine." and i'm like, "haha, okay man, i won't go near them!" then we're both standing there in silence with our arms crossed, and he says, "hey bro, got a cig?"
3 mabidees |
something to say?
|
|
moana
|
::
2004 28 July :: 8.43pm
:: Music: apocalyptica - mastar of puppits!
it needs work...
Read more..
4 mabidees |
something to say?
|
|
moana
|
::
2004 27 July :: 2.05pm
lunch with mary.
the end.
no more.
i hate france.
5 mabidees |
something to say?
|
|
moana
|
::
2004 26 July :: 6.56pm
ways of the world
i think i can safely say: there are good guys and there are bad guys. i'm not talking about books or movies either. i think this is the real world. there are good guys. they're more common than one would expect. there's a lot of them in my life. barney, fara7, andy, laurence, ozy... good guys. the bad guys are a different story.
it's not that someone is instantly evil just because they're a bad guy. bad guys, people like me, just have a difference in the most basic of tendencies. i'm willing to look someone down and be brutal with them if i don't like them. a good guy would just plaster a phony grin on his/her face and deal with it. the most basic of differences.
it's about the will to hurt someone. some people would never hurt anyone at any cost. some people are willing to make sacrifices for selfish gains. maybe that's the most fundamental difference between good guys and bad guys. but it's still not all of it.
sometimes, the ones with the bad tendencies, the selfish people, sometimes they don't carry them out. sometimes they've hurt a lot of people without a second thought. sometimes they've made the sacrifices, willingly, completely aware of waht they're doing. i think that's what makes them the bad guys, what seals the deal, what makes it final. once you've made the sacrifice, you can't go abck to being a "good guy". you're bad for life.
sure, bad guys may want to make ammends. sure, bad guys may feel remorse and guilt. sure, bad guys may want to go back with all their cold little hearts and bad little souls. but it's too late. bad for life.
bad guys and good guys can mix. they can be friends, good friends, especially the "reformed" bad guys, the ones that wanna be good again. but they're fundamentaly different, and one day that ugly past is gonna catch up and they'll lose their heads and the big bad end is gonna show its head. and things are gonna fall apart. that's why good guys and bad guys will always stay different. that's why they shouldn't get involved. that's why i sholdn't get involved.
3 mabidees |
something to say?
|
|
moana
|
::
2004 26 July :: 5.40pm
:: Music: frasier
fingerboard!
ozy gave me a fingerboard! then we had a poking war and a tickle war and a thumb war. fara7 kept making inappropriate comments. her favourite, i think, was "get a room!" *shakes head* i had fun, and it wasn't that kinda fun either, we were just having childish and immature fun.
3 mabidees |
something to say?
|
|
moana
|
::
2004 26 July :: 10.27am
:: Music: milkshake
AC kuwaitified it with some help from me
my mashya brings all the boys to fanar
they're like
it's better than yours
ayshay!
it's better than yours
i could neech you
but i have to charge
Read more..
2 mabidees |
something to say?
|
|
moana
|
::
2004 25 July :: 6.26pm
:: Music: interpol - PDA
props to laurence for making the pimpsista black n white
SPNirvana67: do i get props?
laurence is sex: sure?
SPNirvana67: "thanks to laurence for being a hot rockstar. oh, and for making my avatar."
laurence is sex: "fee wa7ed isma laurence.... 5oosh rayal!"
4 mabidees |
something to say?
|
|
moana
|
::
2004 25 July :: 5.08pm
:: Mood: stand up and respect the original kookee
:: Music: interpol - obstacle 1
pow wow, pow wow, pow wow...
to my sister, and my best friend, and a big part of my world.
fara7 a7mad bshara, this is for you!
for all the times we spent crying our eyes out over d*cks, for all the hours, well, not wasted, just badly spent, driving around the country in search of someone who wasn't even worth it in the end. all those lonely ramadan nights. all those laughs over everybody! i still have trouble comprehending how YOU broke up with karal for me! how many times did i talk to zach as you? and how many days did i spend at your house up on your bed? probably more days than i spent on my own bed at home. good times, every last minute of it. this is for you, because i know you have to go, and it's for the best. i'm just gonna miss you so damn much. and i'll see you again soon! you'll see, you'll have the time of your life. think of me in new york, babe!
i lurve you, kookee, my sexy bolivian friend.
2 mabidees |
something to say?
|
|
moana
|
::
2004 24 July :: 6.11pm
:: Music: franz ferdinand - van tango
mhmm
i am pimpsista jasmine
there's a little boner in all of us (and AC's n mine are exactly the same!)
everyone wants the pimpsista jasmine love
i eat a lot (AC discovered this tonight)
"we're the same."
"but we're different."
"but deep down, we're the same."
"deep down."
"deep deep deep down."
"and it's small."
"it's really deep down and it's small."
"like a goldfish boner."
"yes. deep deep down my small goldfish boner is just like yours."
7 mabidees |
something to say?
|
|
moana
|
::
2004 23 July :: 2.44pm
:: Music: apocalyptica - coma
if i were a month i would be: january. cold.
if i were a day of the week i would be: thursday. weekend! party! whoooo!
if i were a time of day i would be: sunrise. there's a reason my parents named me that.
if i were a planet i would be: uranus. strange with an ugly name.
if i were a sea animal i would be: committing suicide. ew.
if i were a direction i would be: north. straightforward, i am.
if i were a piece of furniture i would be: a beanie chair! wheee!
if i were a sin i would be: gluttony. that's the one where you eat too much right?
if i were a historical figure i would be: joan of arc. crazy, but passionate.
if i were a liquid i would be: blood. thick, bold and beautiful
if i were a tree i would be: redwood
if i were a flower i would be: black rose. with thorns. the most beautifu flowers in the world.
if i were a kind of weather i would be: rainy. pouring rain. showers. the kind that makes you want to throw your arms out to the side and scream at the sky. with thunder and lightning and everything.
if i were a musical instrument i would be: an electric violin. small, light, but "ranchy" *giggle*
if i were an animal i would be: black street cat.
if i were a color i would be: awrinj!
if i were a vegetable i would be: nasty
if i were a sound i would be: a giggle
if i were an element i would be: fire
if i were a car i would be: a chevy SSR
if i were a song i would be: deftones - knife party. beautiful, sexy, sick, only...
if i were a movie i would be directed by: tim burton
if i were a book i would be written & illustrated by: robert munsch
if i were a food i would be: something spicy. for flavour.
if i were a place i would be: new york city
if i were a taste i would be: bittersweet
if i were a scent i would be: fruits and berries
if i were a word i would be: hoo-hah
if i were an object i would be: a door?
if i were a body part i would be: eyes
if i were a facial expression i would be: blank
if i were a cartoon character i would be: ariel from the little mermaid! beautiful red head
if i were a shape i would be a: sphere. 3 dimentional and infinite
it's a sign concubine! come home to me!
1 mabidee |
something to say?
|
|
moana
|
::
2004 22 July :: 7.01pm
:: Music: apocalyptica (cult on repeat)
wheeeee!
i got a skirt! and a new shirt! and apocalyptica - cult. and and and....
FRIJOLE! my guitar! yay!
also, i made a promise for andy. no hoo-hah starting july 28th 2004 until senior graduation. almost a year.
7 mabidees |
something to say?
|
|
