godessalthena
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2011 2 October :: 8.07pm
Can I just crawl into a hole and die now..? Fuck.
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godessalthena
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2011 2 October :: 3.02pm
Requested info from WSU's BA of Social Services degree program. My parents suggested I look into it, since I work, can't drive long distances and need a degree. I originally was going to do an AA in Communications from SCC, but I think this will be a better idea. It's a better degree from a better school. Plus I want to go into the HR field and from what I researched, Social Services degree is a lot more geared to HR, while communications is more for VP's and what not.
I really need a degree to get anywhere in this company. I really want to get away from customer service. I am at my wit's end with this fucking people.
This job makes me feel so fucking shitty. I am probably the only one who isn't a new hire who hasn't earned a bravo award. My boss hates me or highly disapproves of me. I'm the only one who isn't married/has children or a college degree. I feel like an outcast here. I feel looked down on. Coming to work makes me feel like I'm the most pathetic waste of life here.
I want out. I want to do something else. I love my benefits. I love my pay. I just want to feel like I'm valued. Which I'm not.
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godessalthena
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2011 27 September :: 3.09pm
I'm exhausted after having nightmares all night. This stress is getting to be too much for me.
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godessalthena
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2011 21 September :: 6.05pm
I try. I try hard to be responsible. I always make sure bills are paid, I make sure they are paid on time. I try to balance that with stress relief, food, and paying off debt. But honestly I cannot get ahead. It's like at every turn I'm sent to collections, or a get a stupid moronic fee. I'm not a bad person, I'm not someone who isn't dependable. But these companies don't give a fuck about the individual, they just care about their profit margins. Times are difficult and I'm supporting more than my fair share. Rent's too expensive, but I can't afford to break the lease. I didn't have the support I needed from my family when I was bed ridden, so I accrued massive debt, on top of the debt I got when I made the mistake of moving here under false pretenses.
I am so exhausted. I never get a good night of sleep. I never feel safe and comfortable. I feel like a complete waste, I feel like an irresponsible dumb fuck. I don't know what to do.
Dad told me he's proud of me.. The more I think about it the more I feel like he's just saying it because he loves me and he knows I'm struggling. I know he thinks I've made a series of bad choices.. I know I'm the disappointment in the family. I just want to say honestly I'm trying the best I can and trying to fix all my juvenile mistakes.
World.. I'm sorry. I am a failure, but I'm trying to change that so please be patient.
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godessalthena
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2011 12 September :: 2.17pm
Half way thru my week already. I love working four tens!
Tho sadness that I don't have money for any vodka this weekend.. :/ but I guess it's not horrible since I don't really have any friend plans this weekend.
I've become enthralled with Star Trek Voyager. I find myself holding my breath and clutching my couch while I watch it. I'm so silly, but honestly after a long day at work it feels good to escape into the future with good people who I feel would accept me for my differences. I wouldn't be the weirdo there. Unlike here.
I am getting very disappointed with all my "friends" in Spokane. They are all too far away, flakey or busy being adults. Or "antisocial" which, I'm pretty sure, is Spokanese for "Amelia is too weird/offense so fuck that shit." Whatever.
Lots of important birthdays coming up! Yay the birth of my favorite people!
1 = |
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godessalthena
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2011 11 September :: 7.05pm
I find it amusing when, at work, when I'm obviously fucking around on my cell phone, people will start talking to me from their desk across the cubicle wall. They'll ask an extremely long winded question and then say my at the end. We havent made eye contact before my name has been said. Once I hear my name I look up and ask them what I can help them with and they respond with a sigh and angry laughter.
Seriously? I obviously wasn't paying attention to you. Why are you mad at me? It's so ridiculous.
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godessalthena
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2011 10 September :: 2.20pm
It's nice to know that he's proud of me.. Even if I'm not following the quickest path to wealth.. I feel like the struggles I'm going through are a really good learning experience.
Now if only I felt like I was succeeding in my life. I hung out with my sister yesterday.. She's growing up to be a gorgeous young lady and I have to admit I'm very jealous.
I feel so boring.. Fat.. Ugly.. I feel like one of the masses. Unremarkable and forgettable. Replaceable. I have no spark left. I have no passions, drive. I do what needs to be done to continue existence, but I'm no longer really living my life..
Though that raises the question if I was ever really living in the first place.
I just don't know what I should be doing. I see my sister with this group of friends who love her and enjoy hanging out with her.. I have nothing like that. I have Emily.. But we're both too busy to ever see each other.
I wish I could be someone people would want to be around. And honestly I don't see what I'm lacking.. Sigh.
I'm tired..
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godessalthena
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2011 8 September :: 3.37pm
I can't fucking win.
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godessalthena
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2011 6 September :: 2.17am
Amelia: n. Failure. n. Waste of time. n. Unending disappointment.
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godessalthena
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2011 5 September :: 12.56am
I look back on my life and I wish so desperately that I had a period I could look back on fondly and say, "I was happy once" but.. Throughout my whole life I've always managed to get fucked over or do the fucking up myself..
I feel as though I'm destined to have nothing but bad memories. Failed attempts to make something more out of my life than suffering. I want to have just an extended period of time where, even if I wasn't exceptionally happy, at least I wasn't miserable either.
I feel like trying is a futile effort. And I want to give up so badly.. But if this is all there is, miserable is better than nothing.
I'm only human. I'm doing the best I can with what is given to me. Is it really too much to just ask for a hand once in a while?
Apparently it honestly is.
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godessalthena
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2011 4 September :: 6.13pm
Fuck California. They can all rot in Hell.
1 = |
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godessalthena
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2011 26 August :: 4.37pm
All necessary bills caught up.. Rent paid a week early (WITH a motherfucking receipt, learned my lesson).. And enough left over to go out on a much needed date!
Now to decide if we want a movie or a strip club.. Or Irv's. Descisions, descisions! :)
But def getting some sushi! X3 Nom, nom, omnomnom!
Haha also this girl made a HUGE effort to apologize about being a flake and came over, kept talking about how she just wanted to have angry make up sex with whoever she could, and how much her ex hated us, and when we didn't take advantage of her, started completely ignoring us and then removed us from her facebook friends. WTF? this is how I view EVERY Spokane resident. Batshit crazy.
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godessalthena
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2011 23 August :: 3.12pm
Haha I am "the weird chick" at work. I'm pretty sure people are nice to me so I don't kill them when I go postal.
disclaimer: I probably will never go postal since I dont hate anything about my job. Except for the woman who talks about NOTHING BUT her 2 year-old.. A topic I have absolute 0 interest in.
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godessalthena
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2011 20 August :: 11.06pm
Jeff Jag
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godessalthena
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2011 19 August :: 6.13pm
Why is it I can't find anyone to hang out with Wednesday and Thursday, but come Friday everyone and their dog wants to come over??
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godessalthena
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2011 18 August :: 3.49pm
I'm stupid.
1 = |
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godessalthena
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2011 16 August :: 2.02pm
New apartment manager at Village on Broadway.. Amanda Cuntzilla.
I can't begin to say how angry I am.
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godessalthena
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2011 14 August :: 6.48pm
At work.. Got caught up on all my bills :) in a decently happy mood..
Well.. Was.
I hate living here.
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godessalthena
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2011 13 August :: 8.17pm
Grumbly tummy.
Long day is long.
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shalee
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2011 12 August :: 5.01pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: Radical Face
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay it's not the end.
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godessalthena
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2011 11 August :: 4.44pm
I don't understand the motivation to make others feel like shit to make oneself feel better.
I'm not having a good weekend.
I just want to sleep until Saturday so I have work as a distraction.
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godessalthena
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2011 10 August :: 5.42pm
My puppy has discovered the outside.. And now I'm worried he's going to run away :( but he gets SO FREAKING EXCITED about getting his collar and leash put on it's so so cute. I love my little baby boy. He's the apple of my eye.
My girlfriend dumped me yesterday. It seems like a lot of relationships are ending. Which is sad but good. Change is an important feature of a healthy life.
But yesterday my friend Laura texted me. And we started talking again. I really love my friendship with her. She's always so supportive and full of compliments. She's a really feel good friend, and low maintenance. It's just what I need right now.
Ryan keeps looking at my OkCupid profile. It kinda creeps me out.. :(
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godessalthena
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2011 9 August :: 10.26pm
Today just keeps getting better and better.
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redefinedgrace
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2011 9 August :: 8.14pm
:: Music: E.T. // Katy Perry
In one of my dreams, I told a man I would be his Princess Leia.
I have to forget all the jerks I've met and save myself for that man.
1 = |
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godessalthena
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2011 9 August :: 4.52am
Dear diary,
I have resolved to start taking hard drugs. I will fuck up my life beyond recognition. I know I will never feel the love I need or want ever in my life. I know for a fact that everyone I have ever loved has lied to me. I know no one I have ever loved has listened to me when I've told them I cannot handle something the way it is. I know for a fact no one has ever loved me enough to really fight for me. And I know for a fact that it is due to some shortcoming of my own. I do not deserve the life I have. I deserve NOTHING.
8 = |
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godessalthena
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2011 8 August :: 8.38pm
:: Music: blink 182
I read a very interesting article today. It was 5 reasons why your idea of happiness is wrong. It really put whole "happiness" thing in perspective... It talked aboutthe history of what happiness was perceived as and how it's changed radically only recently. Happiness isn't something that we can achieve and maintain. Our brains don't let us.
In the past people thought they'd only achieve happiness when they died and went to heaven. Greeks thought it was something you gained by living a virtuous life. Now we feel like its an inalienable right that's been bestowed upon us.
There are studies showing people who buy materialgoods to make themselves happy are by far less happy in the long run as their investments lose value through wear and tear. They find the people who spend their money on making memories like vacations and whatnot are happier in the long run and their memories only get better with time. Food for thought huh?
They also found that we are happier when we have a happy thingto anticipate. People who go on many little mini vacations are happier because they just sit in happy anticipation of the vacation.
I need more vacations. Haha
After reading this I've come to the conclusion that my life isnt a miserable sesspool of pain and suffering. I think I have a decently happy life as for the most part I laugh a lot more often than I cry. I mainly have happy memories of my life. I know I've been sad, but I cant remember specific times in the past where I've been particularly sad.
This doesn't mean I'm going to start being an optimist. It just really gives me a valuable insight into what I really should be expecting out of life. Happiness isn't a perpetual state I need to strive for. Happiness is moments where I can truly be happy. It's not a destination or a goal we can achieve.
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godessalthena
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2011 8 August :: 3.33pm
Who do you turn to when everyone else turns you away?
I'm so tired of feeling unrevokably alone in the universe.
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godessalthena
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2011 6 August :: 8.23pm
I don't believe love is an emotion worthy of being desired.
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godessalthena
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2011 6 August :: 2.09pm
Feeling particularly homesick today..
I woke up from a nightmare. I was a judge and I was listening to a case that was really all about politics so I was learning about keeping blonde hair healthy. Then this man runs in and yells "atomic anthrax" and explodes. Everyone is running to get out, but all the marble pillars are toppling and no one can escape. Then these terrorists dressed like white ninjas and other forms of eastern warriors come out with swords blazing. I fight some off and make my way to a hidden projection room where we are trying to think of a way to escape. Then my alarm goes off and I wake up.
I'm filled with rage this morning. I miss Seattle and I'm so angry with myself for moving back to Spokane. I miss everything about it. What makes it worse is I know it's such a long way away and I know that I may not ever get back there, especially of the economy gets worse. I feel so alone and abandoned. I feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. I'm stuck with all these overwhelming bills, bad credit and this apartment I can't afford on my own. I just fell so drowned. I have too much responsiblity. I feel like I'm 45.. Both physically and mentally.
For once I'd just like to catch a break. To get something positive to come my way and let me be happy for at least a little while. I feel like that's askin too much. I feel like nothing will ever be easy for me. Nothing will ever just come to me. I will have to work hard every day for my entire life just to get a step closer to happiness. It isn't fair. It's never going to fucking be fair.
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shalee
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2011 6 August :: 11.29am
:: Mood: accepting
It's good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.
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