godessalthena
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2011 20 January :: 10.49am
2 more pounds down! 7 total! Go me!
And all I had to do is workout everyday and not eat anything! Go super restrictive diets! ;)
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godessalthena
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2011 18 January :: 11.44am
:/ is it Feb 3 yet?
4 = |
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godessalthena
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2011 17 January :: 8.09pm
I will play DDR again. I will play DDR again. I will play DDR again.
I'm ready to move on with my life, but we'll be stuck here at least 2 more years.. Until 2013.. Summertime. I think we'll both go nucking futs. I don't think we even know what happiness is anymore. It's like forcing a cat to live underwater here. And we are both drowning. It's hard, too, as we feed of each other's unhappiness and that just makes everything that much worse.
I hope I get this new position. I hope I get it so I can get out of debt and star saving for the move and rebuilding my credit. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck anymore. I'm ready to get ahead in my life. I'm ready to fulfill my potential and show everyone just how amazing I am. I know money can't buy happiness but it most certainly helps greatly.
I just hate waiting in purgatory for something to happen.
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godessalthena
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2011 16 January :: 7.46pm
Lots of bad feelings. I'm done with today.
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godessalthena
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2011 16 January :: 11.21am
I really hope I get this new position. 51k is way better than 31k.
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godessalthena
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2011 12 January :: 10.10am
I've lost 5 lbs since Monday!!!!!
I'm so happy I could scream!!!
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godessalthena
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2011 9 January :: 9.45pm
:: Music: NIN - we're in this together now
"Awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin
They pick and they pull
Trying to get their fingers in
Well they've got to kill what we've found
Well they've got to hate what we fear
Well they've got to make it go away
Well they've got to make it disappear"
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godessalthena
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2011 7 January :: 3.50pm
Medifast got here today and I got my hair done :D I look uber sexy! My hair is platinum with a purple shadow. It's very nice!
I'm really hoping Medifast works for me. It's helped a shit ton of people and as long as I stay strict I know I can't at least succeed a little. My starting weight is a little embarrassing so it's not going up here. But hopefully within 10 months I'll get down to 165 and be fit. Diet and exercise, school and work. It's going to be a real struggle balancing everything along with working on the relationship. How do people do it?
I know I can succeed because I have the support I need. Now I just need to see the first bit of results for motivation. I will succeed and I will DDR again.
Plus once this is all said and done I'm totally getting an augmentation. Nothing big, just up to a solid D on both sides. For celebration and self confidence.
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godessalthena
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2011 2 January :: 3.58am
Do you ever feel ridiculously ugly and unwanted...?
I hate feeling like this.
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godessalthena
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2010 28 December :: 6.34pm
I miss expressing myself.
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godessalthena
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2010 22 December :: 7.43pm
Alaska at last :)
Landed safe in Alaska :) hanging out at home with Danielle and Sus :3
Corky's a little under the weather haha but it's self-inflicted..
When shopping at Freddy's and surprisingly found a bunch of great shirts for Sus's Christmas presents :3 and no big taxes! Yay! Now all he needs is pants and he's all ready for college fashion-wise haha I'm really excited for him :)
It's nice to be on vacation away from all the stress and darkness that is Spokane. I feel happier now that we're getting a break and I can focus on trying to fix what I've broken. It's a good opportunity for me.
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godessalthena
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2010 12 December :: 12.14am
Driving on the freeway, fogged windows and the rain coming down in soft sheets, like bed clothes for my heart.. Beautiful echoing in my heart and mind. The music gently carrying me
I have to remind myself we are far from home.. And yet I still allow myself one blissful moment where I forget.
I am complete. I am home in my heart.
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godessalthena
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2010 11 December :: 1.43pm
I feel like poo... And I have to go to work.. :(
today is a blah day. I really want to just go to Alaska. I need a vacation from Spokane.
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godessalthena
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2010 3 December :: 6.57am
I'm so fat. And hideous. Perfectly um-fucking-touchable.
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godessalthena
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2010 1 December :: 12.32pm
I miss abilify.. But not the hunger that comes with it.
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godessalthena
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2010 28 November :: 1.03pm
Day 1 without Abilify.. Wish me luck!
1 = |
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godessalthena
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2010 25 November :: 1.22am
Sigh.
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godessalthena
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2010 19 November :: 8.55am
Damn erratic sleep needs. Now I'm up at 8 :/
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poisonedheart
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2010 16 November :: 12.13am
I hurt myself today.
The razor's kiss.
I don't even know why I did it.
Just so full of pills I wanted to see what would happen.
The sting was unbelievable, the blood oozing from the fresh slit.
She wanted to kiss my wound, put a band-aid on it.
But all I could think about was more pain.
A lit cigarette, lit no more. A brilliant new burn.
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-nightsloth-
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2010 14 November :: 9.50pm
:: Music: crime in stereo
Remembering that this page existed and subsequently finding it and reading it was pretty surreal at first.
Nothing is really surprising though. I browsed through my nerdy eccentricities and my occasional gripe at the universe. I was definitely twelve. And I guess the main source of my confusion was a general disconnect from reality, and the main source of my depression was endless cyclic expostulation regarding the confusion and the emotion that I was faced with. . .
I never thought that I would smoke cigarettes or smoke weed, I probably never thought that I would scream into a microphone about social reform.
I still use apathy as a crutch for my sanity. I hope I'm learning. . .
Anyway, the purpose of continuing to post here is vague, but I feel compelled to do it anyway. I mean, now I write in actual notebooks. There's not really an audience for this place.
So here it is. I guess I'll see if I actually post more or not.
2 = |
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godessalthena
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2010 14 November :: 9.34am
I'm sitting on the couch with my little bazooka. I just fed her some fancy feast, let her lick my hand, purring, and pet her cute little face. It's her birthday month. I've had her for 3 years.. And these are probably the last few hours I'll get with her.
I love my baby. I am torn to see her go. There's a heaviness in my heart, but I know it's for the best. She'll be happier in her new home, more space, a better catbox, more money to have nice things and a perpetually clean litter box.
I'll miss her. :(
1 = |
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godessalthena
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2010 10 November :: 12.56pm
I'm suck a LAZY FAT FUCK.
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godessalthena
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2010 9 November :: 10.52am
I'm so freaked out I can't sleep..
My car..
My cat..
My weight..
My debt..
My credit..
Christmas..
Ugh. I just want to sleep
1 = |
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godessalthena
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2010 8 November :: 1.41pm
There's a heavy pain in my heart.. And I hate it.
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aerii
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2010 4 November :: 2.09pm
Thanks for coming to my birthday Mamelia and Sus!
1 = |
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godessalthena
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2010 3 November :: 2.07pm
Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it..
And usually the anwser is no. But that doesn't change it.
I'm getting tired. And I can bring myself to get loud and fix it.
I'm just getting to be exhausted.. Every second is a battle to stay awake.
I could have slept all day today.
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godessalthena
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2010 3 November :: 2.49am
Big warm fuzzy secret heart..
I need like 14 more drinks and maybe I'd be ok.
But right now... Oh no.
:/
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godessalthena
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2010 30 October :: 6.47pm
First thanksgiving where I'm running the show!! I'm so excited!!
Alixz is helping with some exciting smashed Parmesan potatoes!
I'm making a salted lemon-oregano roasted turkey, mushroom strudel, some salad and the obligatory cranberry sauce in a can!
I'm really super stoked to be cooking this year! And I'm really excited to make the day after turkey pot pue which I missed out on last year!
I just have to decide if I want to work a shift on thanksgiving or not.. It's my normal day off.. Hmmm...
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godessalthena
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2010 30 October :: 1.49pm
So I've decided I'm going to try the diet Corky is on.. I'm hoping that I'll be successful.
I'm struggling with self esteem issues and my appetite is out of control even with prescription diet pills. I just want to lose the weight, feel attractive, relieve my back pain and feel healthy and happy. Everyday I look at myself and see my pretty face and hair and I like that, but I see my fatty chin and big pot belly and just feel replusive. I want to look as pretty as I know I am. I want to look like I used to.
I really want to play DDR again. I want that happiness back.
So, this is my plan;
step one is pay back my dad
step two is pay off my bestbuy card
step three is pay off my Bowflex card
step four is buy Medifast
step five is pay off student loan
step five is pay off Wellsfargo
step one will take 2 paychecks
step two will take 2 more
step three will take 6 paychecks
step four is going to push everything 1 paycheck out
step five will take 16 months (but it's good for my credit so I don't mind that taking forever)
step six will take 13 paychecks
I think the two year plan will make it just barely :)
and with Medifast hopefully I'll move back to Seattle one hot bitch.
1 = |
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godessalthena
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2010 29 October :: 11.23am
Last night was theraputic. :)
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