godessalthena
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2010 28 July :: 8.18pm
I'm scared.
Today I cried. It's the first time in a long time.
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godessalthena
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2010 28 July :: 11.22am
:: Music: NIN - I Ghost - 3
I don't know why but this song is srsly an orgasim for my ears.
Oh Trent, there is a small place in my heart just for you.
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godessalthena
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2010 27 July :: 6.51pm
I hate how much time and experience changes a person..
It makes me feel so helpless to stop this spiral I see you on.
We never talk anymore and when we do it's always defensive manuvers..
We're like two fighter pilots with something to prove as we crash into this ocean.
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godessalthena
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2010 26 July :: 7.24am
<3 love is putting 6 1/2 days of music on my iPhone <3
I love you Sus!
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godessalthena
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2010 25 July :: 6.06pm
bleh..
I need a change or I'll go crazy.
Blue hair soon :)
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godessalthena
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2010 23 July :: 7.26am
Hello, exhaustion, my constant companion.
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godessalthena
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2010 23 July :: 12.59am
Tonight: HELLA FUN and serious possible new bff in the mix
Tomorrow: looks to be HELLA FUN with parents and Emily :3
Sometime this weekend: fabulous sister of wonderful doom!!
this weekend is looking to be fan-FUCKING-tastic :3
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godessalthena
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2010 19 July :: 6.43am
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: "missed the boat" by modest mouse
something that's been nagging for a looooong time
We're all just trying to figure shit out. Why do we have to make it so god damned hard for each other?
I can't help but think most people are pieces of shit because they'd rather focus on how fucked up everyone else is rather than fixing their own internal issues.
If you don't like who I am or what I do: a. it's none of your business b. I probably don't care your opinion if I didn't ask for it and c. think about it - you're probably just jealous because I can make radical changes in a day that you will never be able to do in your whole life time.
So just jog on and worry about your shit and I'll worry about mine.
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godessalthena
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2010 18 July :: 9.37pm
Congrats on finally admitting it............
4 years later.........
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godessalthena
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2010 18 July :: 2.53pm
Drinks + cute girl + me + Sus + joy = one helluva fantastic night
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godessalthena
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2010 16 July :: 6.19am
Eeeee! I've lost 3 lbs this week!!!
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godessalthena
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2010 14 July :: 7.21pm
:: Mood: happy
happy belated birthday to me!
I just got home from a truely WONDERFUL FANTASTIC MAGICAL dinner with my mom, dad and Zuzu!
We went to Scratch and had drinks and food and talked about silly things and funny things and there was a whole lot of laughing and it felt just like i've always wanted.
I felt like I was finally part of the family again and it felt like they all really wanted to be around me. I felt happy and loved and myself.
I really can't express how happy I was at that dinner. And how excited I am for the future.
I feel like taking a nap and having sweet dreams finally.
ahh! :D best birthday dinner ever!
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godessalthena
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2010 13 July :: 1.02pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
finally change is coming...
Ahhh! :D
I love things.. And stuff.. And things :)
[ e d i t ]
the last few days have made me very happy.
happiest i have been since i lived in everett.
i finally get to have my family back..
i finally get to move on past all the trauma and bad feelings..
all the things in my life that have been difficult or fucked up are now on the mend. and while its only taken me forever to finally do something about it, i'm so glad i waited and the way it happened (for me) couldn't have been better for my mental health.
I feel like i may acutally have a chance at getting better. at being off my pills, at feeling like i'm worth something. i can't wait for the future.
i'm going back to school, i'm starting a fantastic career with a fantastic company, i'm getting out of debt on my own, sus is going back to school and starting a fantastic career. we're starting a beautiful life and i'll have two families who love me.
i can finally believe i'll be successful. i can finally believe i'm loved. i can finally know that there is something to wake up for and the sun is just as beautiful as it was so long ago.
i'm just SO fucking excited.
and SO fucking ready to get my life on track.
and compared to the road that i've been on, everything in my future feels like it's going to be a cake walk.
i love life.
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godessalthena
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2010 10 July :: 7.26pm
There goes my pain there goes my chains - did you see them falling?
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godessalthena
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2010 8 July :: 8.51am
Ahhh I love happy visiting time with friends :)
finally having some company over tonight! And tomorrow! And going out Saturday :D
lunch with my lover today!
Lunch with Emily tomorrow!
Evening with Janelle Saturday!
Things should be entertaining!
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poisonedheart
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2010 7 July :: 1.34pm
Back started to act up pretty badly while I was helping Jen and Harry clear out that house.
Today the real heavy lifting starts, hopefully I won't get another herniated disc.
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godessalthena
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2010 5 July :: 9.10pm
Sometimes you just can't fight the sorrow.
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godessalthena
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2010 2 July :: 6.50am
Lost 1% body fat in the last week :) which makes me feel really really goodabout myself :D
I want to be at around 16% to have a nice plush figure for my frame. Weight-wise that'd be 154 lbs-ish if I maintain my current muscle density (which won't happen since I'm starting anaerobic strength training soon).
I feel this goal is completely obtainable over the course of several months :)
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godessalthena
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2010 1 July :: 7.22am
I feel bad that she likes me.. But it's so nice being persued by an intelligent and cute woman.
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godessalthena
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2010 30 June :: 7.53pm
I hate you. I hate you SO much. I hate you more than I've hated anyone in a long time.
You're butt-fucking-ugly. You're balding. You work a dead-end job and have no future. You fucking wreek. You're irresponsible trailer trash with one brain cell to your whole family and you have bad teeth.
Fuck you. And I can't wait until you are out of my life for good.
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godessalthena
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2010 30 June :: 5.09am
The way I see it either we have free will or god has a plan. You can't have both.
Either it was god's plan to have my brother sexually molest and rape me for a good portion of my formative years or god just sat back and watched because my brother has free will.
Either way that's fucked.
Amd then god planned for my parents not to see the signs of the abuse or to ignore them.. Or he just sat back and let them do that of their own free will.
Either way that's fucked up too.
I am done with religion.
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godessalthena
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2010 29 June :: 5.29pm
Just worked off 515 calories :D feeling AWESOME
not even exhausted!
And I was told I'm a superstar by my superiors! Hell fucking yeah!
Now if only roomie situations were better... :/
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godessalthena
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2010 28 June :: 5.40pm
I love being asked questions like: "what's your favorite movie?" or "if your life was a movie what would it be?"
I always say "the fountian" and the response I always get is: " now that's a movie I dont understand!" (nervous chuckle)
I love it! I love the look on their faces. It's so satisfying. Especially when they've been married for 10+ years and/or have kids. Ahhh
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godessalthena
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2010 27 June :: 12.40am
Goth night @ A Club = love
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godessalthena
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2010 22 June :: 6.02pm
Being in Spokane is a bummer..
But we bought some awesome clothes for Sus! And I got a cute skirt! The plans kinda fell through, but it was SO much fun going to the Metropolatin Grill with Sus and his dad for father's day :D that is the ritziest resturants I've been to in two years! The calamari were so cute and tiny :D and delicious.. Everything was delicious! And fun. And it made me feel really.. Happy inside :)
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godessalthena
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2010 18 June :: 11.14am
Soooo it turns out since I work a late shift I get a 10% bonus to my total yearly salary. What that means:
I'll be making $21.45 an hour rather than $19.50. Seriously.
I will be out of debt so fast. I will be buying a new car. I will be able to afford the help to get the body I want. I'll be able to be completely finacially independant in under 6 months.
And you know what? If I had stayed in college I would have NEVER been presented this opportunity. So to all of you that told me I couldn't be successful without a college education:
FUCK YOU.
Hahaha I feel so fucking good about myself. I'm so happy. I'm so excited! And I'm so confident I'm going to get to where I want in life.
:D
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godessalthena
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2010 16 June :: 8.44am
Ahhh 2 more days until payday! And Seattle! And happiness!!
New clothes! Caught up in bills!
I also found ot my debt is down to $8,400 ish :D pretty fucking rad!!
Now if only Spokane didn't suck so damn much
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godessalthena
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2010 5 June :: 10.15am
Yesterday Sus's mom told me that she loves me and that the whole family loves me and that I'm part of their family :) and the best part was how sincere she was..
It's nice to know I have somewhere to turn if things get hard where I'll be met with warmth and understanding. Sus told me that if he and I break up Corky would still take care of me :) it makes me really happy!
I love being here! But the sun never truely sets this time of hear and it's trippy. The sun went behind the mountians at midnight and then started coming up again.. Trippy!
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godessalthena
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2010 2 June :: 7.22am
Driving to work this morning, I almost forget I wasn't in Seattle. Beautiful.
I'm really happy with where I am in life right now. Amazing love. Great job. A career path. A nice apartment. I can finally see my goals as obtainable!
Occasionally I'll wish we had friends, but things are seeming to work out with Amora.. And if Sus starts school he'll make friends there for sure! I don't really think I can be friends with anyone at work.. They are all so.. Spokane. Plus in my experience making friends from work rarely works out. Sus is the only work-turned-something-else that's worked haha
But it's nice to be happy. And have health benefits. :D
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godessalthena
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2010 30 May :: 6.46pm
So I just found out today I'll be making $19.50 an hour at my new job.
And that's without an AA degree. That's without the support of my family. That's without any number of friends in my physical realm.
That is my being extremely talented, intelligent, hard working and suffienct on my own. With the support and love of my wonderfully hot, caring and intelligent boyfriend.
I'm so thankful for everything I do have. And at this point I find it so pointless to be controlled by the negativity of others. I have a couple people who love the hell out of me and I have the skills and the potential to be successful at anything I try.
I feel so good about myself. I'm so happy with where I am. And I'm extremely excited about my future!
GO ME!
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