<center>pathos

home | profile | guestbook

pathos

recent entries | past entries

:: 2010 8 January :: 11.10pm

I know it's a proven fact but I still have a hard time with the idea that depression is a disease. And I have it. And right now it feels like there is no cure.

I loved how I felt when I first started Cymbalta. Now I'm afraid I've fucked it up because of New Year's... I don't feel the same. I feel a milder form of my depression, but it is still there while before it was all but completely gone..

It's really frustrating and disappointing. I just want to be happy and not feel like I'm a shitty person or that all the bad things in my life happen because I somehow deserve it.. I just want to feel comfortable todo the things I wantto do. I want to feel like I can be myself without looking over my shoulder..

What I reallywant is to undo all the damage my brother caused and forget about how fucked up it's made me.. I am so fucked up and I am so fucking tired of it..

:: 2010 6 January :: 8.12pm

I feel a little broken.. And it's not good..

I want to stay home tomorrow.. And just cook.
But we don't have any money to buy food to cook :(
but last night I cooked some amazing stir fry with zucchini and chicken and mushrooms! It was all healthy and SUPER fast and easy!

Ah good times

:: 2010 3 January :: 2.20am
:: Mood: disappointed

tomorrow will be sunny...

right...?

:: 2010 2 January :: 4.39pm

Blech blech blech.. Feeling like poo.. But it was worth it!

I love my wok! I am so excited for all the delicious food I get to make!

Re-dying my hair finally! Gonna look soooo sexy!
Totally cemented the friendship between us and Kaila! Step one finished.. Now the only obstacle is her family being unaccepting buttheads..

And we are going to have a girls day :) go out to do stuff and hopefully some sushi! :3

and the new tv came1!1!!!1 soooooo HUGE and amazing!! <3

:: 2010 1 January :: 12.52am

Happy new years!!

This year is going to be 100 times better than last year!!

:: 2009 31 December :: 8.56pm

Best new years eve ever!!!!!

:: 2009 30 December :: 9.19pm

At work.. Sitting alone.. Not really missed.. My back hurts.

I got a wok and accessories from my family! Which I'm really excited about! I've been wanting a wok for a really long time! Yay!

:: 2009 28 December :: 10.06am

It sucks running out of these. I'm excited for tomorrow so I can get more. It's a nice thing to finally hate feeling bad. Granted my pessimism is still strong and I really doubt it'll ever go away, at least I'm happy a lot more than I have ever been and I'm so much less volitile than I used to be in stressful situations. And when I talk down on myself I don't believe it. It's really nice :)

anyway!!!! It is the 29th! Which means........ Only 2 more days until new year's eve!! Where a beautiul and wonderful girl will come into our home and we will have the best new year's ever!! I am SO excited! And the possiblilty of a really amazig girl in our lives. Ahhh it'll be great!

:D and a new tv! And I'm just so excited!

:: 2009 28 December :: 12.05am

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

:: 2009 25 December :: 9.18am

(I have to admit.. I am excited to get lots of presents.. But it's a secret)

merry christmas <3

:: 2009 22 December :: 10.46pm

I really, really love how my life is right now.

honestly I haven't been this happy since my first date with sus. i really just......

after she kissed me i got in my car and i couldn't stop smiling. i had a thin hoodie on (and its like 32 F right now) and i wasn't cold. And when she walked away i screamed.

I didn't really ever think I could feel this way for two people at the same time. But I do. And I have to really stop myself from falling in head first. I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to fall in love right off the bat, but seriously it's like having a happy version of me around all the time who has soft hands and thinks i'm cute and is good at kissing.

i sound like such a girl (hehe I am tho!)

AHHHH I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY

:: 2009 22 December :: 12.36am

I am so freaking HAPPY

I seriously think if I'm not careful I could explode. Cuz this happiness is about to light a short fuse!!!

:: 2009 20 December :: 10.59pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: C89.5

best night ever in recent memory
so last week i won some free movie tickets at work.. two. so we bought 3 tickets to avatar.. in 3D... and we treated kaila to a movie since it was basically free.

so we are driving over there and its raining.. and outside smells like home.. it smells like a rainy day in seattle and it was dark and exciting.

we wait in line for a while since it was opening night.. and i sit in the middle and sus and kaila are on either side of me. i got a big tub of popcorn :3 YUM

so... sus steals the popcorn bucket.. and kaila is sitting with her hand kind of on my leg.. just laying there.. and she didn't move it when i accidentally touched it. so... my heart starts pounding and i'm getting all nervous... and i slowly inch my hand closer and closer to her's and then i'm touching it.. and she isn't moving it.. so i grab it and she holds my hand! I was blushing SO brightly. and i had a stupid goofey smile on my face.. :3

In addition to having a great time holding an adorable and wonderful girl's hand and having a wonderful and handsome man holding my other hand the movie is probably the best movie i have seen since the watchmen. and i honestly believe ALL movies should be made in 3D from now on. It was AMAZINGLY AWESOME in almost every way. plus i hate humanity so it was great to see us get our asses handed to us! plus the indigenous people of Pandora are SO HUGE and it was wonderful!

so we get done with the movie and i didn't have the horrible need to go pee.. and we drive home listening to C89.5.. and it was still raining.. and dark.. and for just those moments driving home from the movie i felt like i was home.. in seattle... doing what i was supposed to and feeling like everything was right in the world. i was profoundly happy on that drive home.. and that feeling was only intensified by knowing that both the people in the car were feeling the exact same way as me.

it honestly was the best night i've had since i moved back here. i am so incredibly happy i got kaila's number and that she lives so close and.. everything is going to well.

:) life is good.

:: 2009 19 December :: 1.59pm

Weight loss so far: 10 pounds
Weight left to lose: 41 pounds

Then I can sign up for the USMC delayed entry program.

:: 2009 16 December :: 9.50pm

I am so ready for today to be done..

I just want to go home and cuddle with my catboi and watch some heroes and eat delicious food! Only 9 mins left!!

<3

:: 2009 14 December :: 6.54pm

Blah... I feel not awesome..

But I have a lot saved for the tv!!

So I'm excited :D

:: 2009 13 December :: 12.14am

I can't believe my weekend is over already..

:: 2009 11 December :: 3.05pm

I really want another tattoo.. Last one was march.. :(((

:: 2009 10 December :: 1.47am

Being happy = wants more drinks to be happier :)

today was a good day. Finally saw a dr. Got a good sale! It's almost my Friday so get drunk time is so. Fricken. Close.

Plus cute girl sexing up is the day after tomorrow! Getting laid Friday night! Hell ya!

Anyway.. Life is good.. Things are wonderful and I'm finally starting to honestly feel that. I can't wait til Xmas!! Seattle here I come!

:D aaahhhhh I love life!

:: 2009 9 December :: 12.30am

New game rocks!

But SO frustrating.

Mostly likely cuz I'm slightly drunk haha.

New cute girl visiting on Friday. Apparently expecting to pay for platinum with sex haha so cute.. She thinks I'm so cute I'm intimidating! Ah inexperienced girls are so adorable :) (tbh girls who are really cute still intimidate me too hehe)

is it sad to say that I've done more girls than guys? Hehe idk but it makes me smile. :D

Anyway things are good. Can't wait til Xmas and I love our ps3 :3
good times (honestly ps3 pwns the wii I'm so glad we exchanged!!)

:)

:: 2009 3 December :: 10.53pm

Today I found out that I won yet another thing for being a top performer a work :) there's an award ceremony tomorrow at 3 but I'm not going since it's my day off and I'm getting sushi instead! Hella!

But it's kinda nice being recognized for doing well at my job.. And I doubt I'll ever need to worry about my job. Plus it's a lot of fun being a winner :)

I'm excited for Christmas! I know I'm probably not getting anything but I'm still excited cuz I get to spend it with Sus's family :) I get to see his mom!! Yay!!

Things are really great right now. I even found a group for friends who aren't complete basket cases!

:: 2009 3 December :: 12.53pm

SO!
Guess who won an iPod Touch from her work?
Here's a hint: she's an amazing sales woman!

That's right! Amelia did! Cuz she rocks at selling things people don't really need! Unlike some other people in this fine state!

I'm also at 400% of my weekly goal still. And I finished November with 187% of my goal :D

Yes. I rock.

:: 2009 1 December :: 11.26pm

Diet is crashing and burning. I hate winter..

I have a dr appt on the 9th. Hopefully it will help. I really need a way to cope with all these unjustified feelings of immense guilt. I just want to forgive and forget and be happy I learned from the experience.

I just never really learned how.. I never really learned to cope with anything.. And now 20 years later all my not coping is finally fucking my psyche up (hopefully not irrevocably).. We'll see how things go.

I'm kicking ass again at work. Seriously I am at 400% of my sales goal :D take that all you not amazing sales people of the world!

:: 2009 29 November :: 11.59pm

It kinda sucks..
I just got over a massive hangover..
And all I want is a drink..
Damn you, spokane! Damn you!

:: 2009 28 November :: 4.05am

Life is good :)

:: 2009 25 November :: 11.38pm

I want to watch paprika

:: 2009 24 November :: 6.34pm

I won a wii!!! Cuz I am a kick-ass saleswoman!

:: 2009 20 November :: 6.43pm

I hate humanity. Why did I ever think that could change..?

:: 2009 18 November :: 11.48am

I am so ridiculously tired today! Driving was actually scary.. I could barely pay attention to what I was doing.. I bought a mountian dew and I'm hoping it will help..

I'm working some OT at work cuz I made 21 gross adds this week and I think I have a bitchin accessory take rate and good TEP % so I'm making extra on my check.. I would work mass OT like others on my team but honestly I can't take the boredom and frustration of this place any longer than necesssary haha

good news is we have a fairly full weekend so Sus will be happy :) and I'm excited to hang out with most of my favorite people! And we get to meet sara's boyfriend which hopefully will be awesome!

Now I just need to wake up and we'll be all good

:: 2009 15 November :: 6.53pm

staring down an empty highway with a million possibilities.

Woohu.com | Random Journal