<center>pathos

pathos

:: 2008 23 January :: 10.29pm

I think I'm a bad friend.

Every time I talk to somebody from LC since dropping out, they're always saying they miss me, everyone's talking about how they miss me, and everyone else misses me, it's like a giant "we miss nathan"-fest in the japanese room during lunch these days apparently.

And deep down I really don't care, to be honest the only person I've even noticed the absence of in my life is chen chen, I feel sad I don't get to see her every morning, she always brightened my day, but everyone else just doesn't really matter I guess.

Maybe I'm just finally becoming detached like I've always wanted to be.

godessalthena

:: 2008 22 January :: 6.25pm

first pay day today! hella!
yay!

but i added up my debt...
and it makes me depressed..... :(
seriously, never get into debt.
it's no good.

aerii

:: 2008 15 January :: 5.34am

its always nice when your friends ditch you, ignore you, then replace you.

1 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2008 14 January :: 5.56pm

sorry i've been freaking out so much.
to be honest i have no idea why i'm such a wreck.

maybe it's because i'm lonely.
or because i'll never be happy with what i've got.
or because this town is a shit hole.

whatever the reason, i just have been really on edge lately.
and this weekend was an emotional breakdown...

which i hate. and i don't want to have them.
but it's horrible when you're all alone all the time...
it gets hard to deal with shit.

1 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2008 12 January :: 8.05pm

WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT?

I'M SO FUCKING BORING.
I'M SO FUCKING DULL.
I'M SO FUCKING STUPID.
WHY WOULD ANYONE FUCKING WANT TO SPEND ANY FUCKING TIME WITH ME?

I'M SO WORTHLESS.I ALWAYS WONDERED WHY I DIDN'T HACE ANY FRIENDS.
BUT NOW I KNOW.

and it isn't fucking nothing. it hurts that you never want to spend any time with me. if you stayed home with my you would be bored out of your fucking mind and then i'd go to bed and waste your time. i have to lie about it so you can have a good time.

and it fucking sucks.

i'm suck a fucking drag.
i'm such a fucking loser.
i'm such a bitch...

i honestly see it now. i'm just so stupid to think that there is nothing wrong with me.

but don't worry about me. it's always been like this. ever since i can remember and i was a fool to think that it would ever be anything different.

i wish i could just die.
because then i'd probably be a hella lot more exciting.

or at least people would want to spend time with me once i was dead.

fuck.

4 = | +

poisonedheart

:: 2008 10 January :: 6.08pm

I'll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentlemen
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgment's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as you're lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)
The sun will heat the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change...

godessalthena

:: 2008 3 January :: 2.34pm

i apologize for freaking out yesterday.
it's because i didn't think i got the job.

but i did!!!
hellz yes.

6 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2008 2 January :: 4.38pm

i hate this i hate this i hate this.

i haven't felt this stupid in a long time...

fuck

[e d i t ]

the more i think about it, the less and less i want to go back to school. i really don't even want to do anything right now. how stupid will i look? i had/have a free ride to UW... and i gave that up. digipen is expensive and i don't really even feel that strongly about it. what college/university would/should i go to?

i don't even want to go. it's so expensive and i feel like it's pointless. i feel like i won't ever succeed. why should i? i'm not worth it. no one thinks i'm worth it. so why try?

i feel like such a failure. i haven't even tried yet and i've failed. i feel like the people who should be supporting me and helping me are just wagging their fingers at me and laughing. i feel so fucking alone in my life right now.

i hate it when the world catches up to me. and i realize that it's really a huge pile of shit run by money. no one cares, no one feels. it's just all dollars and cents and drugs and alcohol.

i wish i could choose to not be a part of it. but that isn't how things work anywhere in the world. i feel like i'm dead now. the world killed me. i don't care about anything, i don't feel like i'm ever going to go anywhere or do the things i want to do. whatever i do, people will be disappointed in me. or think i'm disappointed in myself.

the worst part is everyone's lives are the same. everyone is the same.

god damned personal struggles.

godessalthena

:: 2008 1 January :: 4.41pm

Tomorrow is my interview... I'm nervous, but excited too. I really need to get this job... I'm usually very confident when it comes to getting work, but for some reason I'm very worried that they won't like me and won't want me to join them... It's probably just anxiety over not having a job or a back up plan....

I really need to start planning my life better. What sucks the most is I have no idea what I want out of my life... It's like... I've never given any thought to t, and now that it's here I don't know what I want... I mean, I know what I want, but I can't really have that. I need more before I can have the perfect life...

But with this job... It would help me so much. I would be able to pay off my debt, it would allow me money and time to spend with loved ones... that is... If my loved ones want to spend time with me...

:(

life sucks. And growing up sucks too.

3 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2007 31 December :: 8.35am

is it wrong to feel unwanted where you are welcomed?

godessalthena

:: 2007 27 December :: 8.24pm

"i'll love you when you're dead...
until i die."

i don't think i've been this scared for a long time. i don't want to die. i don't ever want to die. i don't ever want him to die. i don't want either of them to ever die. what would i do? what would be left for me? i don't want the world to end... i don't want to face that great unknown alone... i can't help but feel i will be alone... and that is so terrifying...

i feel so stupid.
and i wish i could talk to someone about this. but i can't because there is no one.

and crying any longer is out of the question...

i hate this.

godessalthena

:: 2007 27 December :: 7.38pm

i can't wait to get home...
to see bazooka...
to sleep with kirk...
to actually sleep...
i can't wait to be able to breathe..
to not sneeze...

........
i really want to cry.
i need a friend here.
i need a friend who i can count on.
who will be here for me...

blah.

godessalthena

:: 2007 25 December :: 7.50am

i loved you, too.
and i'll always miss that.
you have such a power over me.
which is why i forgive you every time.

i don't know what it is, but it's sad that things always turn out this way.

godessalthena

:: 2007 24 December :: 7.47am

I'm so sleepy.
Spokane is the only place where I have the urge to wake up at 7:30 am.
It's Christmas eve! Which is very exciting because...
I'm not really sure...

I haven't really gotten to see Kirk at all. Which sucks. I don't want to go over to his house because I don't want to see his family at all. It's so awkward between us in my head and I don't want them to think I want to mend our 'relationship' because I'm not interested at all in that. I just want to be with Kirk. I could give a crap about his mom and dad. They have to respect me first before I can remotely consider respecting them. They take respect for granted. Just because they are older doesn't mean they deserve my respect... Or anyone else's....

hm...

<3

poisonedheart

:: 2007 20 December :: 12.49am

Sometimes I wish I could fastforward my life.

Skip past all the bullshit of the rest of high school and college, skip right to the part where I leave this town behind forever.

godessalthena

:: 2007 19 December :: 11.42am

i hate how difficult the easy decisions are.

like going back to school...

because i know that's where i belong. there's where i'm happy. but there is so much fear in going back, here's so much... anxiety.

what if it happens again? what will i do?
what if he leaves? what if i suck?

there's just so much that i can't... i can't figure out right now.

but it should be easy.
and my mind should be made up.

... and i'm so nervous about today. i have an interview. and gawd i hate interviews... i just hope i don't get lost and i don't freak out and i just... i don't want to do poorly.

sigh...

when will this stress end?

1 = | +

poisonedheart

:: 2007 13 December :: 9.50pm

A poem about woohu, written after reading people's old entries

These old journal entries

They read like a back catalogue
of our sorrows

Looking back on so much pain, it hurts

Yet we go on
And live each of our days

So much anguish we have felt, it hurts

Day by day we forget past torments
but if we look back, the pain still haunts us

Our lives are ever changing
Ever constant, ever painful, ever blissful

And the pain we feel each of our days

It gets swallowed up
With the joy of a new dawn

Yet the pain remains
These pages remain

We still hurt
We still heal

godessalthena

:: 2007 12 December :: 9.04pm

I really want to stay in Spokane long enough to see Brooke. I don't know if I can though. It's like... I know I have to work, but I also haven't seen her for like... two years. which is much to long to not see your best friend. but seeing her would mean not seeing kirk for at least a week, which would feel like forever...

it's a hard desicion.. and at least i don't have to make it quite yet.. :(

godessalthena

:: 2007 10 December :: 7.02pm

i bought some girly shoes finally!
now to buy clothes to go with them... haha!
i hate working, but i need the money this month.
fucking money...

i'm super excited to go home!
I'm going to bake cookies with my mommy
and we're going to decorate the house
and i want to go ice skating
and i'm going to go to all the places i love there
and i'm going to get a tattoo with my friend
and it's going to be so great!

yay!

2 = | +

poisonedheart

:: 2007 26 November :: 8.57pm

Life is changing lately, and I think I'm happy about it.

Jen's stopped being so emotionally dependent on me, which is really good, hell, I've barely even talked to her in the last few weeks, been spending most of my free time hanging out with Chen Chen or Jason.

I've become more confident in myself lately, something I've always been bad about, I always used to think I couldn't do anything right, but that's all changing.

Still a little depressed due to my total lack of any sort of love-life, but meh, I'm used to that.

Overall though, life is looking up.

godessalthena

:: 2007 25 November :: 1.19pm

i never want to go back.
after every break it gets harder and harder to go back..
i hate that place. and i can't tell anyone.
because no one cares.
because they are all fuckers.

grr.

godessalthena

:: 2007 20 November :: 11.20am

just when i thought humanity had a chance...
i meet people like them.

godessalthena

:: 2007 17 November :: 1.25pm

2 = | +

-nightsloth-

:: 2007 16 November :: 9.49pm

back with a vengence
My second new post as a different person on this website. And i'm already coming to see the difference between this and other places i woulld log my thought.

here, nobody sees. nobody at all, save maybe a few. I dont have to stress my likes and dislikes, i dont need an image. i dont have to choose my words.

from my mind to the screen.

and i jump back here with welcoming arms. I've thought a lot lately, but not nearly enough. and i log it. i cannot grow as such.

Here my thoughts can live. So that i may drop by now and again, and do some catching up with them. We'll have a cup of tea.

And this way, i will not forget.

Im not a fan of the screen name of this old thing, my screen name from middle school for various video games. but hey, who gives a shit. this siite is long abandoned, its members probably only in the thousands.

so welcome. first thoughts logged. more to come. I think they'll like it here.

2 = | +

aerii

:: 2007 15 November :: 8.03pm

So some girl in Liberty Lake is drawing a picture of Nicole, but it's kind of weird because they've never met, and she never asked Nicole if it was okay. It's really freaking good though, and I want to buy it.
So imma find out how much she's selling in for in January, but it's even weirder because she's selling it at the Empyrean.
:D

Read more..

I'm stoked. I get to see Nicole on Wednesday. :D:D
It has been far too long since I've seen that girl. It's going to be amazing.

1 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2007 15 November :: 10.51am

maybe i'm bi polar?

i've been talking to brooke again.
and it's amazing.
and i makes my day better just to know she still loves me.
and the little things that annoy me around here
don't bother me as much.

work is still shitty.
i hate chris. he's a douche.
and i really don't like anyone there anymore.
they are all just people.
they arent' extraordinary.
they are just plain old people.
which is fine, i don't hate them.
but none of them are really... what i need.
i just.. i feel so apart from them.
or at odds with them.
and i need a new job.

i need something.
to bend,
to break,
to mend...
to change.

-nightsloth-

:: 2007 12 November :: 9.15pm

starting anew
well, im coming back to this website.

and im making a new profile. But im not deleting this one. Im going to keep every sing post.

back when i used to use this thing. . . i was almost a different person. It was the age of reform for me. Knowledge was flowing into me faster than i could handle, i was thinking faster than i could move.

I became depressed.

I came out of it. Smarter, stronger. And as i look back. . . how much further have I come?

4 = | +

poisonedheart

:: 2007 9 November :: 9.00pm

I was blonde as a child.

2 = | +

poisonedheart

:: 2007 8 November :: 10.02pm

I wish she'd get out of that relationship, no matter how much she says it makes her happy, it's making her worse day by day, and she's just being used, and deep down she knows that.

1 = | +

aerii

:: 2007 8 November :: 4.06pm

thanks for ruining my day.