i have consumed mucho el smoko to help me feel like i can't feel
i like joints because they remind me of cigarettes i miss those little
motherfuckers
what i miss is knowing i'll die sooner
because this world makes me so loathe to be here
i just miss you. more than i thought i would. but i'm working in trying to stifle my emotions and act like a strong independent woman, as much as i don't want to.
When I was a kid
My whole reality split
I was living a lie
I was a killing machine
I was a war lord
When I closed my eyes
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop
When I was a kid
I was a total dick
To inanimate objects
The world beat the hell from me
I took it out on a tree
Great Illustrated Classics
I took it out on a fig tree
Out on the lawn
I took it out in the backyard (backyard!)
And behind Rite Aid
I took it out on the crates
And on the shopping carts
We were on another plane
I was the king of pain
In unspeakable cruelty
I set the mommy on fire
I set the baby on fire
Not even Jesus could stop me
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop
Stop, stop
every year i try harder and harder to love my birthday
and every year it gets harder and harder to enjoy it
it's just a reminder of how many people i've had to leave behind how many people i loved deeply who hurt me people who i trusted people i shouldn't have trusted dreams set on false pretenses and a deep desperate desire to be needed
all my self doubt and fear about the future
my shame and regrets
my failures
then combine with hanging out with people who i only talk to through text who all hate each other the futile attempts to have everyone have fun and get along and then becoming the DD because i can't trust anyone else
i just am a fucking wet blanket and i hate it but i feel powerless to change it
my chest contains a heavy stone, where my heart used to be.
some days feel like heavy clouds trying to choke any semblance of joy out of me.
i always have been and always will be worthless.
life is pain. we are all alone. no one will every really understand us. nothing really matters in the end. when your flesh is burned or buried. to be eaten by worms or breathed in by animals. but you will be dead.
women are a commodity not people
women are a natural resource, a status symbol, a toy
women owe men for everything men do for them
they are only worth the sex they give freely
and if they try to take some power back by charging for sex they are vilified
women aren't people
women are tools to use in the gratifications nd fulfillment of men
if you treat us nicely, we owe you sex
if you buy us dinner, we owe you sex
if we are nice and friendly to you, we owe you sex
if we smile in your general direction, we owe you sex
if you rape us and ruin our lives, you shouldn't be punished because you have your whole life ahead of you
if you rape us and make us pregnant, we have to keep the baby with no support from you because we should have made better decisions with our bodies
if you rape us and we speak out, we are the whores who asked for it
but yeah, women have it pretty good. we have the power. we are in control.
but of what?
we are brainwashed from an early age that we aren't anything but bitches and hoes.
we are told we can achieve anything, but we are never treated equally
we are looked down upon
we are too emotional
we aren't strong enough
we are too shy
we are too outspoken
we are told to blaze our own trail, but if it isn't in high heels and full make up, you don't want it
we are told to shoot for the stars, while we are locked in cages
we are told to be ourselves and unique, but are shamed and scorned if we do not conform to the status quo
everything is quid pro quo for us
of all the jobs i've had, the one i stayed at the longest is the only one i haven't been sexually harassed at. it is one of the main reason i have stayed here this long.
but all of this means little or nothing to a majority of men. they don't see the problems because they don't have to wake up and hope they aren't assaulted, discounted or ridiculed because of their gender. ignorance is bliss. and no one wants to walk a mile in stilettos.
because i already am half deaf i don't need help the rest of the way
sometimes the guitar teacher comes. she hasn't really played electric before but her and juanholio are pretty fairly matched when it comes to general skill and knowledge
he gets a special glimmer in his eye when she comes over it's cute
i hate how hopelessly hermity i am. but making friends is hard and talking to strangers that could turn into friends is the terrifying.
im tired and i am filled with sadness and disappointment with myself
i wish i could erase what happened
i wish i could have been smarter sooner
i wish i hadn't been such a shitty person
being with him makes me feel like i need to forget my past and pretend i was just born yesterday. i don't like hurting him, but i don't like being silent forever.
i just want to give up. it was easier when i wasn't loved.
we presented our solution and options for moving forward today to all the big wigs
despite our dry run the hour before hand being really rough, we really pulled through at the end
while we were derailed a few times by the attendees that were not the intended audience, the top 2 executives for our department were very impressed and happy with what was presented
it feels so fucking good to have this milestone done
in just 30 days we solved a problem that's been plaguing the boss man for 4 years.