godessalthena
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2014 12 July :: 1.32am
:: Mood: depressed
who would want to be such an asshole?
in the sun and in the rain
and in the day and in the night
pain is a flower
pain is flowers
blooming all the time.
- charles bukowski
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godessalthena
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2014 8 July :: 9.43pm
Negative comments. Insult on my weight and lack of conventional physical traits our society deems attractive. Plain, boring declaration of how much self-loathing I feel. Egocentric focus on mundane problems.
With the hope that tomorrow I will feel better.
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godessalthena
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2014 6 July :: 3.20am
It's that random message at 3 am that simply says "I love you".. That never comes.
And you are left waiting your whole life to be saved.
And you know you are the only one to save yourself.. And even after you saved yourself.. You still wait..
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godessalthena
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2014 29 June :: 1.09am
I hope those feelings are dead enough not to be resurrected.
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godessalthena
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2014 26 June :: 8.16pm
:: Mood: accomplished
First day and night in the new apartment. It has a breath taking view, so much space and storage, a nice neighborhood, quiet neighbors... I feel so at home here. I feel so good.
Maybe moving out was an over reaction.. But I did to want to get yelled at anymore and that was the second time she had done it.. And I don't think she was going to stop. I just felt so uncomfortable and unwanted, and I'm sure she felt the same way. I think her and I have a lot of negative personality traits in common, or it's the Taurus in her and the Aries in me that just mix like oil and water. I have been really depressed over the loss of a friend, because Laura an I did get along really well when we didn't hate each other. But I don't feel like she respects me and she feels like I don't respect her and it was just a toxic atmosphere.
What makes me even more upset is how she feels the need to take every opportunity she can to insult me and hate on me via face book. I fucking hate all the FB drama. It's so completely ridiculous. I do to want to smear Laura's reputation, I don't want to spread vicious ideas. I just want to move on and forget this happened. Just take the lessons I learned and move forward. And she wants to be as mean as she can, like she has some kind of personal vendetta against me. I have done so much and given her so much, trying to make her happy and help her feel better and get healthier and she just hates me for it.
And I know I can be thoughtless sometimes. I know that I have a problem with that because Sus used to get mad at me all the time. And I apologize when it happens and I try to do better the next time, but that doesn't matter. I can never repent for my sins. I just need to be torn down loud enough for everyone around to hear and in front of people I care about. Maybe I really am I horrible person like I've always thought. Or maybe I'm not. I have no fucking idea haha.
Anyway, I am completely enamored with this apartment. A few touches and some deep cleaning and it will be awesome! I am so fucking excited!! XD Lauren needs to come home and help me decorate :3
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godessalthena
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2014 25 June :: 9.37pm
Tomorrow is the big day :D
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godessalthena
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2014 20 June :: 10.07am
Today is just a sad day.
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godessalthena
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2014 19 June :: 9.14pm
How did the word "pram face" come into existence? Do you know, Jamie?
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godessalthena
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2014 19 June :: 2.44pm
Signing my new lease on the 27th :) planning on moving my stuff that weekend! I can't wait to have a place that is all mine.
I feel like now I am really becoming an adult. I'm completely self reliant, single, in school and holding down a full time job with the same company for 4 years! (I just had my anniversary!!)
I'm going to get organized, get on top of my spending habits.
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godessalthena
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2014 17 June :: 12.44pm
I find the "no make-up" look, involving make up, completely absurd.
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godessalthena
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2014 16 June :: 2.22pm
Dropping off my application at a new apartment! It is so retro adorable. I love all the space, and everything will be new, and my bathroom is like 2x's bigger, so is the kitchen. It's just so cute and well laid out. :)
Plus.. Indoor heated pool. WTFFFF HELL YES haha
Sorry, john herer brings out the crazy girl in me. Haha.
I'm so excited XD
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godessalthena
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2014 12 June :: 6.58am
I never want to go to that apartment ever again. The remainder of the lease is 4 months. Samie had a great idea tho..
Pay Laura the next 4 months of rent, or maybe even pay it to the management company, and then get off the lease and leave. I can't stay there. I don't feel safe.
And 4 months is a VERY long time.
Fuck that ass hole.
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godessalthena
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2014 10 June :: 6.28am
I saw Rosie and Lauren's mom out for a walk on my way to work this morning :)
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godessalthena
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2014 8 June :: 8.11pm
I finally got up the guts to tell Laura I'm moving out when the lease is up.
It's going to suck paying all my bills on my own.. Oh well. I think the freedom will really be the reward.
Bleh
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godessalthena
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2014 7 June :: 10.56am
i use the same voice for every impersonation i do
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godessalthena
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2014 6 June :: 3.12pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Brand New
JESUS CHRIST
Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone I could save
If they don't put me away
Well, it'll be a miracle
Do you believe you're missin' out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night's hard to get through
And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won't know anyone
Well, Jesus Christ, I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
'cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.
Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die,
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?
Do I divide and fall apart?
'cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
And the ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates, does Thomas ask to see my hands?
I know you're coming in the night like a thief
But I've had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up (everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you're coming for the people like me
We all got wood and nails
And tongue-tied at hate factories
We all got wood and nails
And tongue-tied at hate factories
We all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine
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godessalthena
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2014 5 June :: 10.13pm
Continuously using me is one thing.. Stealing my shit is quite another.
I wish it wasn't so late. I want to stay up and pour out my emotions. But I don't want to be dead tomorrow either :( fuck being an adult. Ugh.
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godessalthena
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2014 3 June :: 7.48pm
I adore all these sweet, perfectly romantic moments. Where I accomplish life goals, and remember the innocence of my first real love.
I am so delighted. Not even stress from others can bring me down for long! I even doodled a little... I drew a monster. No fucking shit.
It's nice to be complimented, doted on, to easily spread joy and happiness on another's face as easily as breathing. It just brings me such an excitement.
I'm trying not to let negativity and doubt take over my headspace. I am so suseptible to those thoughts, I have to be very aware of myself. It's hard to go blind down this exciting path when I have to keep my eyes open to make sure I don't trip on the way down.
ya kno wat im sayin ?
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godessalthena
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2014 30 May :: 10.51am
I'm so proud of myself for getting my homework done on time this week :) hopefully it's a trend I can keep up on bahahaha I need to be more serious
It's finally motherfucking Friday!! Even though this was a short week, it still has felt like it dragged on forever. Every day felt like one day ahead, so it should be Saturday! I almost didn't come in to work today, since bed was just so nice. Haha
But I've been so on task this week! I've gotten all my work done, I've been on top of things. I just feel good. Other than assholes at work haha
I want some sushi god damnit.
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godessalthena
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2014 28 May :: 5.15pm
Everything is so small here.
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godessalthena
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2014 23 May :: 6.38am
I'm getting really fucking sick of being treated like a child and being taken advantage of.
I'm really fucking tired of people treating me like shit and then expecting me to continue being nice and like them.
I'm tired of people doing fucked up shit and not expect damage to happen.
I AM SO FUCKING TIRED.
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godessalthena
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2014 22 May :: 9.53pm
Do I say things in an extremely condescending manner? If yes, how frequently would you say I'm condescending?
Would you say I'm supercilious towards my friends?
Please be honest.
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godessalthena
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2014 19 May :: 11.14am
I love getting a clean bill of health :)
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godessalthena
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2014 16 May :: 3.16pm
I've decided I love growing plants. Every morning I am so sxcited to see how all of my plantlings are growing, seeing their real leaves star growing, watching their little bodies gracefully arch up through the soil. I love how green they are, and how they respond to my love and care.
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godessalthena
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2014 9 May :: 7.24am
"When she thinks she's pretty..."
"Why do I have to find the people I sleep with attractive?"
"Do you think she's prettier than me?" "I think it's a personality thing."
Why should I even care anymore?
I realize being pretty isn't the most important thing, and I know there are a few people who do think I am, but my self esteem is so far in the shitter right now I don't even want to try and look nice anymore. Apparently all people can see me for is my fat disgusting tummy and that is the deciding factor in my attractiveness.
/end pity party
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godessalthena
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2014 8 May :: 7.24am
The last few months I've been living with this couple
Yeah, you know the kind who buy everything in doubles
Yeah, they fit together like a puzzle
I love their love, and I am thankful
That someone actually receives the prize that was promised
By all those fairy tales that drugged us
And still do me, I'm sick, lonely
No laurel tree, just green envy
Will my number come up eventually?
Like love's some kind of lottery
Where you scratch and see what's underneath
It's sorry, just one cherry
I'll play again, get lucky
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It's easy to fall in love
It's easy to be alone
It's easy to hate yourself
when all your love is inside someone else
It's easy to take it all
It's easy to give it to
when there's more people out there to love
than people who love you
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godessalthena
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2014 6 May :: 5.56am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: The Fear - Lily Allen
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
My desk at work has gotten so out of control, I'm stressing out about it just a little bit. I don't normally think about claims after I've left, and I haven't really been thinking too much about this, but when I get to work I just feel so overwhelmed. It's officially been a year since I started in the No Fault department, since my training class became the first adjusters in our department, but it feels like it's only been a few weeks. I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel like I'm an ineffective claims handler, but my quality and stats are good, so I can't be that terrible. I'll unbury myself soon, I know, but damn there's a lot of work to be done!
I need to find a therapist I can trust. I think I've finally uncovered some issues I'd love to start working on. Namely how my relationship with Sus destroyed any chance for a healthy relationship with anyone else. I have major trust issues now when it comes to my heart. I sabotage myself before any real deep feelings develop, or if the sabotage doesn't succeed and I develop feelings, I typically start to over analyze and get clingy, destroying the relationship that way. I don't want to be used like that again. I don't want to give anyone that power over me. So where do I draw the line between love/respect and control? I feel like this line has been distorted for me and I have a challenging time figuring it out.
While I can see what my problems are, and the root causes of them, I feel powerless to change these things on my own. I don't even know how to start. Maybe it's too soon, maybe I should just wait longer, but what if the longer I wait, the more engrained this damage will become before it's irreversible and I end up a spinster.
Maybe that wouldn't be so bad.. Adopting a baby and taking care of it by myself in a few years.. Who needs other people?
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godessalthena
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2014 5 May :: 6.07am
This weekend was pretty successful. Laura's birthday was pretty awesome. I made some bomb ass steaks with my new smokey joe. There were two rainbows. And a new GoT.
I'm so sleepy today though. Workout, then home to hang out and do homework. Then bed.
I love spring :)
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godessalthena
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2014 3 May :: 8.49am
Today I fucking hate everyone. I don't want to deal with a god damn thing today.
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