godessalthena
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2013 18 September :: 10.33pm
Dude.... It's almost January...!!!!!!
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godessalthena
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2013 18 September :: 7.24pm
8 more weeks of school and I will be done with my AA degree! I feel so proud of myself. It's been difficult working and doing school at the same time - mostly just getting the gumption to do homework after I get done with work.
But soon I'll have more doors open for me because I'll have a degree under my belt. It's disappointing that anymore an AA degree is like having a High School Diploma, but at least it's better than nothing at all.
Now to decide what my next steps are.. Which school to go to..
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godessalthena
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2013 9 September :: 12.03pm
Pin up is a type of pornography.. That's why they started taking your photos. And that's why you're in your underwear or posing implied nude. And when you are looking full into the camera, it's hard to buy that it's an "artistic" photo.
3 = |
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godessalthena
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2013 7 September :: 9.47pm
I went to the most beautiful wedding today. One that would make anyone believe in love again, at least a little bit. Knowing both of them, and hearing all the testimony, and seeing all the expressions on their faces, listening to them tearfully say their vows. It was just so, so moving.
Most people don't find that. Even if they are looking, they just don't find anything. They met in a mattress store, he stole her number from a form she filled out, and then three years later they are married. I want that for myself. I want that for everyone.
It was just so humbling and awe inspiring. They are want all the love poems are written about.
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godessalthena
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2013 6 September :: 6.21am
:: Mood: loved
The mornings where Bjorne sits on my lap are always the best mornings <3
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godessalthena
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2013 5 September :: 9.03pm
watching people do e, makes me want to do it SO BAD.
but in all honesty, i'll probably never do it again. my meds cancel out any effects they may have, and i can't function without them so.. give up a temporary awesomeness for sustainable ok-ness.
the anniversary party is a very depressing movie. i'm having a hard time believing that relationships are worth it. but i also miss having one. but it was shitty too.
meh. more sex is the answer. it always is.
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godessalthena
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2013 4 September :: 6.11am
On day 3 of this horrid sore throat. I'm not even sure how I caught it. No one else has it, and I haven't given it to anyone yet, but fuck it hurts.
This weekend was awesome! I swam in a lake, hiked around, floated down the river, shotgunned my first beer, went to Pig Out for the first time, and lost 3 lbs while doing all that jazz!
It was a very good final weekend to summer. Now I'm so ready for things to cool off and I get to wear layers again.
I think I'm going to dye my hair my natural color and just let it grow. As much as I hate conforming to gender stereotypes, I also hate people thinking I'm a lesbian because of my hair. I'm also jealous of my sister's gorgeous hair. So here's to attempt #2 in growing it out.
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godessalthena
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2013 31 August :: 11.27am
I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.
Can I just be stoned for the rest of my life?
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godessalthena
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2013 29 August :: 12.03am
I think.. I need another update, because my last one lacked substance..
I'm drunk and I love it. I went to pig out intoxicated. and i met people. not super met people, but I shook hands with someone and sat there and listened to a conversation. and it was fantastic. I smiled at a bunch of people and they all reacted really well.
if only I could be like that all the time.. rather than scared, hurt and hateful of myself.
shit is shitty. fuck poop shit fuck.
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godessalthena
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2013 19 August :: 12.26am
Sex is the BEST fucking thing ever. Period. Fuck.
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godessalthena
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2013 16 August :: 2.49pm
What do you call a girl who has lots of sex?
Her name.
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godessalthena
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2013 12 August :: 5.42pm
"There is nothing more beautiful than seeing a person being themselves. Imagine going through your day being unapologetically you."
— Steve Maraboli
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godessalthena
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2013 12 August :: 6.01am
I'm trying hard not to feel depressed. But it seems like every day it gets a little worse. I need to call that counselor my doctor recommended. I just feel so confused, and lost. And alone.
I just want things that I know I can never have. And I want things to have gone differently. But there's no use crying over misspelt silk.
I just.. I have so radically changed everything about myself. I think it's causing me to be confused. But where do I start unraveling myself?
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godessalthena
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2013 9 August :: 6.20am
I think the reason why I hold on so ferociously to my physical appearance (brightly colored, funky cut, blonde hair) is because it is often the closest ideal to knowing who I am. It's so real and tangible, there's a great deal of comfort having an external identity. Maybe building myself from the outside in isn't the best way to go about it, maybe it is, but I feel like the way I look is a compass for my heart.
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godessalthena
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2013 8 August :: 7.11am
Yesterday I hung out with Lauren. Laying on my bed talking about a boy. And it was a moment that made my life.
I want more moments like that. Where I feel good, happy, loved and interesting.
On my drive to work today all I wanted to do is punch Samie in the face. I'm exhausted from how we just fucking fight all the time about the most petty things. I can't even fucking talk to her without feeling diminished and belittled.
I need an out.
2 = |
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godessalthena
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2013 7 August :: 7.13am
Our 5 year anniversary would be around now and while it's for the best it ended, it's still hard to lose your best friend and whole world.
I am a jumble of emotions, I'm not really sure what I should be feeling. I hate feeling so confused.
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godessalthena
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2013 6 August :: 1.47pm
I feel like I'm going to explode. WTF is wrong with me..?
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godessalthena
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2013 5 August :: 11.26am
Too much coffee + twiterpation over new cute guy = super amped up Amelia.
I feel like I'm going to explode!! I love happy distractions!
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godessalthena
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2013 3 August :: 4.03pm
Every day that goes by is a day that I go further down this hole.
Desolation. I feel like a baby in the middle of the Sahara, naked and alone. It is only a matter of time until I expire, and no one will know the difference. My body will be desiccated, my memory will slip away like the dunes, and that will be it. Nothing I did will have mattered, and nothing I thought or cared about will matter.
Nothing matters. This concept just eats away at my psyche. I don't matter. My job doesn't matter. My relationships, dreams, hopes, fears. None of it has any meaning. There is no reason for all of this. This is all there is, and there will never be anything more. Maybe I could get by with it. That's not the most terrible thought in my life.
What destroys me is how unimportant I am. At work I am just another face. No one cares what I do, what my name is. And every day I get another claim on my desk where someone died in a horrible manner. Or someone wants more money because they already spent all their money on drugs and they need more. And I'm just a tool, a means to an end for those people. They hang up the phone and forget I exist. They forget my name. My bosses don't know what to do with me. My coworkers can't relate to me. And so they ignore me, dismiss me, hope that I'll just keep to myself.
And I hate it. I dread going to work every day. I dread how long the day will be. I hate the weekend because I know it will end and then it will be work again. I feel like my only escape are intoxicants. I look forward to numbing my brain until I just forget how much I hate everything, and how much I wish I could disappear.
This can't be all there is. I used to believe so strongly in the "American dream". I longed to be a part of it. But the older I become, the more I realize it's a lie for our generation, and for all future generations. I don't want babies. I don't want to stop having fun. I just want to party until I die. But I don't.. because I know people will be disappointed in me, and ultimately abandon me. And I cling to what I have so tightly, I don't want to throw it away.
Who I am is so beyond lost on me. And I don't think I'll ever find her. And even if I did, what would it matter? I'm afraid I'll be just another cookie cutter person. I will be plain, normal and worthless. Just another drop in the bucket.. Like I am already.
I need a drink...
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godessalthena
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2013 1 August :: 1.07pm
Being the only single person who is also not a mother makes me feel like a complete loser.
I hate how I let people's feeling affect my happiness.. But it's so difficult to just say "fuck you" and be happy anyway.
I just want to find somewhere I feel I belong.
4 = |
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godessalthena
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2013 28 July :: 10.51am
My whole life experience can be summed up in 3 words...
WHAT THE FUCK.
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godessalthena
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2013 24 July :: 9.31am
I have a date today :) I'm not sure if it's a super cereal date, but it's a little date for sure!
I'm really excited, and pretty nervous. I also have no idea what to wear... Blah.
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godessalthena
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2013 16 July :: 6.51pm
I just want to take a moment and say fuck you to all the dudes who can't just be honest.
And fuck you to all the ladies that do the same.
On second thought, fuck every human being alive. Maybe if they were all getting some, they wouldn't be such assholes.
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godessalthena
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2013 8 July :: 9.44pm
In denial about who I am.
Keep finding out I'm nowhere close to as wonderful as I think I am.
I'm just a weird dork. Bland, lifeless , 9-to-5er. Old bones, fat body, no sense of purpose or direction.
I'm the zombie I never wanted to become.
And I don't know how to escape.
2 = |
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godessalthena
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2013 2 July :: 12.18pm
You never ask me what's wrong when we are alone, and will be alone for a while.
You seem to think I'm only upset and depressed when I'm at work.
But you hardly ever talk to me outside of work unless I start the conversation.
My world could be crumbling all around me, and you only care to ask me what's going on when we are surrounded by all of our fellow employees and bosses. Like I'm going to just burst it out and tell you what's been going on.
Not that anything in particular is going on. Other than almost all of my friends turning out to be complete ass holes. And that I am chemically imbalanced. And that I started a new medication. Which are all things I've told you but you never care to remember. You're head is too full of stupid celebrity bullshit and pictures of half naked women.
Honestly I wouldn't care if you didn't make such a huge point of being "best friends". Really it's best fair weather friends. You already have a friend who needs constant emotional support.
I'm just fucking tired of spending every second we're here in that stupid room working on ever single project you get your hands on, and then hearing you complain about how busy you are and how you'll never get it all done, but you refuse to delegate any of it because you want to be the only one who gets recognized for how great you are at playing the corporate game.
I'm just tired. So tired. And I just need a vacation from feelings. Just a tiny one.
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godessalthena
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2013 30 June :: 7.12pm
Mmmm... Gary Cooper <3
Watching Mr. Deeds Goes To Town, which is the original to Mr. Deeds. And I think both of these movies are fantastic.
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godessalthena
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2013 28 June :: 3.23pm
Downside to carpooling: not being able to run the fuck away from people when the workday is over.
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godessalthena
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2013 27 June :: 3.05pm
Maybe I'm just imagining everything.. Maybe I'm not really depressed? The last two times I saw my doctor he asked me how my therapy was going. And I tell him I did one session and the counselor told me everything I was feeling was normal, and that everything I was going through was typical and she made me feel like there wasn't actually anything wrong, nothing to be fixed, my feelings are simply the product of my 25 year old mind and that things get better when I'm 50 and I have things figured out. And he seems deflated and makes a cringe and tells me that what I feel isn't normal. This time he recommended a different therapist, so I will contemplate seeing him.
I just don't know who to believe. I mean.. Maybe I'm just a sensitive person who happens to cry a lot and often feels that life is pointless and empty. That's pretty typical I guess? Some people I know feel those things too. So is it normal? Is this what normal feels like?
I'm very torn. Should I keep paying all this money to be on pills that might just be a placebo? And just put up with the annoying side effects of not being on the pills to save money? Should I try therapy again for the millionth time? Maybe this new doctor can fix me so I can have meaningful relationships again.
I have been single for almost 6 months now. And I have really been enjoying my time... But doubt and fear is starting to crawl into my mind. I'm starting to worry ill be alone forever, a spinster. Already I know my friends have outside lives, and sometimes itself like I any even talk with my friends anymore. Two in particular - Zoe and Samie. They both seem to have gone off a deep end and sometimes I just wish I could get away from them. Take a vacation from them and forget they exist for a while.
My sister gave me some good advice the other day.. To start sticking up for myself. She said when she started gaining most of her closest friends was at the time she started saying no and not being a door mat. I spend so much of my time, energy, and money on my friends, and a majority of them hardly ever reciprocate. I think I'm just so afraid of being alone and abandoned that I take what little love I can.
I'm hoping losing this weight will solve some of my problems.. My confidence, my chronic pain, my lethargy, some mood issues, maybe even help my sleep patterns. I just need to be dedicated. And that's the hardest part.
2 = |
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godessalthena
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2013 26 June :: 12.18pm
All I can do is hope.
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godessalthena
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2013 23 June :: 1.17am
It gets better.. It gets better.. It will get better. Things will get better.. Please let things get better..
Because I honestly don't think I can hold on much longer.
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