achoo's Journal

:: 2007 13 January :: 11.53pm

is something wrong with me? i dont even know. i dont know what it is . everyone is imperfect but what is it? do i make people run away? do i deter people from being near me. what is it. do i give off this poison or something. i'm not that bad. i'm certainly not as negative as i used to be. i now i am reclusive and kind of a loner but i'm not that bad.

i dont get it.

i'm missing this SOMETHING. i'm missing something. every time i walk there my eyes fill up with tears. my heart is telling me that that is what i am missing but i can't take the first step and i fear i never will be able to. it was that thing that pushed me away about 2 years ago and i still dont understand. if that is what i am missing and i was trying then why was i pushed away. why do i feel like i dont belong there if it is the thing i need the most. sometimes i feel like i have hit it and i'm finally there but then a week passes and the feeling is gone. sometimes i feel liek its not real. sometimes i feel like feeling that is wrong. what is faith?

i dont want to be preached to but i dont want to be told i'm wrong. and at the same time i want advice.

i'll never understand it. i know i am missing the joy of playing music. i know that that is something i miss dearly but what else is it.

i am stuck in a rut and at the same time never been happier. how does that happen? i just dont want to miss anything. why can't i just be that kind of person. almost a freeloader.

why do i feel that precious time is being wasted. with every day. with every hour. i know it is. god i know it is. what am i missing and how can i get it. i just want to be told. i just want someone to have all the answers. im so scared when you ask me that but i dont know if i'm scared because i dont think i'd be okay or if i'm scared because i'm just confused. probably both . but i dont feel wrong in what i believe. the world is too skewed for it to be straight black and white by the book. the people that live that way are being nonsensical. i'm not trying to adjust it so that i can get away with everything , it's just i am trying to make sense out of something that makes none.

why do you just roll over and go to sleep when i need you the most. what i need out of you, i have no idea. i just know that i need you.

please young ones- do not get caught up. dont do it. love and be loved but just ........................

why do i do the things i do. i can't even do things anymore without thinking about how i am not supposed to be doing them.

i didn't used to feel that. and that is why i know what i'm missing.

i know what im missing but i'm so afraid of it that i dont think i will ever get it. someone please please please help me. plesae help me please. please. i dont want to be like this anymore. i want to be happy like you. i dont want to be scared anymore.

and even saying all that i know i wont put forth any effort and i will be living like this tomorrow and the next day and the next. goodbye

i was going to drink tonight but then i thought i shouldn't since you were coming and all. Now i wish i had for an hour straight. i should have..............ugh

:: 2007 13 January :: 11.51pm

why is it that things are the way they are?

:: 2007 13 January :: 2.56pm

i dont have any food in my house.

right now there is:

cheese slices
milk
stale animal crackers
stale cereal
peanut butter crackers
a frozen dinner that i will never eat
canned veggies
some macaroni
jello mix
candy canes

.....i think i'm gonna see how long i can go until i buy groceries. or at least see how long we can go before roman breaks down and says lets go grocery shopping.

i'm hungry though.... i'm really hungry!!!

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:: 2007 11 January :: 10.35pm

ahhhhh it was so stupid of me to take an accelerated online class. i have not started any homework. i have something due tomorrow and something due monday. in fact, i think i'm supposed to have a topic picked for my research paper and a short essay thing saying what it's going to be due by like next wk or something. ugh how dumb!! and you're supposed to participate by replying to other people's comments but their comments are too advanced for me... i dont even know what to say... like what iam i supposed to say "hey, nice answer to the question Mary....good job!" ...no you're supposed engage and advance discussion ... i dont even know anything about this crap. well maybe i should start by reading the book.

ugh i suck i have no motivation and no self discipline so needless to say this was a stupid idea to take a class where i just like get to pick when i want to do stuff and push myself to do it. yeah.

i'm an idiot.

i'mgonna lose my scholarship i just know it.

1 comment | leave a comment

:: 2007 9 January :: 2.12pm

okay so i got a job at Beaners coffee hooray. who wants a carmel marvel?!?!?!

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:: 2007 1 January :: 2.21pm

so yeah i'm really sick and didn't even get to have any fun last night because i was lying on the couch in absolute pain and had to have roman get me medicine and yeah i had a fever and ahhh it just sucked!! i feel a little better right now finally but once the drugs wear off i'll probably feel crappy again. man!

4 comments | leave a comment

:: 2006 25 December :: 8.53pm

this is NOT to incinuate (sp) anything but i'm honestly just CURIOUS

::::how young do you think is TOO young to get married???:::::

again, i'm just curious what people think.

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:: 2006 23 December :: 3.46pm

i dyed my hair darker last night.

yay

thanks to jess for helping me.

:: 2006 21 December :: 10.36pm

so yeah i got a bad grade in my math class even though i worked my ass off in that class and now i'll probably never keep my scholarship unless i get all a's next semester which iwont and i will fail at life

...as predicted.

i hate davenport university it is horrible and should die.

goodnight .

:: 2006 14 December :: 10.00pm

do you ever wonder if everyone is just lieing to you?

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:: 2006 10 December :: 11.31am

omg look at my journal. isn't it awesome

okay so i can't really read the words but i dont really care. i need to figure out how to change the font cuz i can't do it the normal way but ohe well.

i'm obsessed.

:: 2006 8 December :: 8.31pm

My boyfriend is wonderful.

do you know why?

because he bought us tickets to go to the Nutcracker Ballet. I went there once when I was in 4th grade. it was so fun. I can't wait.

it's gonna be great. hooray hoorah oh happy day.

:: 2006 8 December :: 6.59pm

you would not believe what i just did.

so i'm not even gonna tell you.

it's for your own good. or rather, mine. totally mine.

:: 2006 7 December :: 12.12pm

i cannot take this anymore.

i was just emailed by my professor letting me know that the legal memo i handed in , our biggest project that takes forever to do... is wrong. i did the wrong case. i DID THE WRONG CASE.

which means i have to do it all over again. he handed us two different cases i must have somehow picked the wrong one even though right on the front page it says YOUR ASSIGNMENT and talks aobut all the requirements and everything you need when you hand it in.

this is terrific. and i have to work all weekend.

i will never finish everything.