One night to you
Lasted six weeks for me
Just a bitter little pill now
Just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocence
Say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you years ago
I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy
Left my childhood behind
In a roll away bed
Everything was so damn simple
Now I'm losing my head
Trying to cover up the damage
And pad out all the bruises
too young to know i had it
So it didn't hurt to lose it
Didn't hurt to lose it
No but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way
Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottom of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart yeah yeah
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long, long, long, long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
'cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy
so, obviously the goal of one post per week was achieved for approximately one week.
part if it was simply the hustle and bustle of the holidays. and the other part was me trying to get my life in some semblance of order, failing, and burying myself in fantasy fiction instead. i'm indulgent like that.
so, i'm still here, and i'd still like to keep posting more relevant/interesting stuff, but it's going to take me time to gather the material and compose the entries. i've got plenty of fodder, so it's just a matter of taking the time to assemble it.
sure i could post some bullshit once a week and stick to my deadline, but i'd rather go for quality than quantity, so i'll post whenever i damn well feel like it, and you fuckers will just have to deal with that. just know that when i DO post, it will be what i consider to be at least passable, since i rarely think any of my writing is particularly excellent, and never perfect.
in the meantime, i hope everyone is making the most of their holidays! eat, drink, and be merry! god knows i am.
That's why they call it dope.
Alright kids, gather 'round and listen up, because it's - story time!
This story in particular has all of the qualities that any great story has: drug use, police involvement, and general stupidity. I trust now, that your interest is adequately piqued, and you have all you can do to keep from salivating. No, seriously. Go get a napkin or something. That shit is grossing me out.
That's better.
Now, this was a few years ago, back when I was in college still, and had even fewer responsibilities than I do now. I also had a girlfriend. Said girlfriend - we'll call her Lady - lived in an apartment on campus with 3 other girls. This was the end of exam week, so 2 of the gals had already left and gone home to regale their parents with all these stories of how we were all very responsible and had gotten loads smarter over the last 9 months. So that leaves Lady, other roommate - we'll call her Kay - and myself with this apartment to ourselves, and we were appropriately celebrating the end of the semester. Kay was the drinker out of the group. I may have had a couple, but was for all intents and purposes, sober. I can't honestly recall if Lady had been drinking or not. Doesn't much matter either way. So, anyway, we're all happy that the bullshit is over, and are very much looking forward to a summer of well-mannered frivolity. By lucky happenstance, I had recently acquired about a quarter ounce of pot that was in desperate need of smoking. However, they were getting ready to vacate the apartment, and didn't want it to smell like weed when the people came through for final inspection, so obviously we couldn't smoke there.... (we totally could've. It's a wonder what a bathroom fan and fabreeze can do. But what happened happened.)
After a few minutes of weighing our options and debating with one another about the best course of action, Kay suggests that we go and smoke in her car. Beautiful! So, we gather up the necessaries, and go out to the car in the unfortunately well-lit parking lot outside the building. Well, that just wouldn't do. Kay doesn't want to drive, as she'd been drinking, and Lady doesn't want to drive because ... well, because she's a puss. That's how yours truly got landed with driving duties. Even still, so far, so good. We hop in Biffy, the affectionate epithet Kay had chosen for the vehicle, and I'm speeding us off into the night. I don't want to smoke while I'm driving, so I set the girls to the task of finding us a place to park. We see a bunch of cars parked along the road outside of a house off-campus. It's like 2 in the morning. Guess we're not the only ones celebrating the end of the semester, eh? Well, cool, we'll just park on the side of the road with these other cars and blend in with the crowd. Great idea! So, we park, and I have to pack the bowl, because the other two are utterly worthless and I am their slave, apparently. So we spark it up, and pass it around until it's gone. I say "okay, I'm good, let's go back now." Kay wants to smoke some more. Lady decides to join in. I make them pack their own damn bowl this time. It's starting to hit, so I'm a little edgy, and am increasingly more eager to get back to the homestead and sit down with a movie and a bag of doritos. Is that really so much to ask?
Right as they're about ready to light round 2, we see our friendly neighborhood campus security officer cruise by, obviously scoping out the party. They can't break it up because it's not in their jurisdiction, but they can call in the county sheriffs if anything seems amiss. So far, they're just cruising. So, Kay and Lady finish the job, and we see the campus police make yet another loop around the block. At which point I say screw this, let's get out of here. Unfortunately, neither I, nor any of the other occupants of the vehicle had noticed the droves of people now stumbling their way from the house to all of their parked vehicles on the road. FUCK. Party's over. So, now it looks like we're also leaving the party, even though we were never there in the first place. And then I remember that Biffy has a bum headlight and a taillight housing that Kay had destroyed by backing into a parked car. Fanfuckingtastic. And in my infinite wisdom (that's why they call it dope), I pull out directly behind the cop car, which then turns left, down the same road that I need to use to get back to the apartment, and rather than just go straight and figure out an alternate route, I continue to follow them. They notice the headlight, or lack thereof, pull off to the side and allow me to pass, and then begin to tail me. It's right around this time that the faintest notion of winding up in jail begins to surface in my brain. But still, they're not doing anything, just following me. Not wanting to speed, I'm pretty sure I went 25-30 the whole way. Longest half-mile of my life - or, at least, it felt that way. As some of you may know, marijuana affects the way you perceive time. We finally make it to the parking lot outside the apartment building - woohu! I signal my turn, hit the brakes to slow down, and pull into the lot, at which point the damn blue and red lights rear their ugly head. Abandoning its fairly benign beginnings as a fuzzy notion, jail is suddenly becoming a very real concern. We do the whole pep talk with each other before the cop has time to get to the door. If you've ever been pulled over, you know the drill. Stashed the weed? License and registration? Seatbelts on? Everybody has their IDs? Fuck. I left my wallet upstairs.... not like I was planning on getting pulled over or anything. And we have a quarter sitting under the passenger seat that is technically mine, and I doubt the other 2 would have too much hesitation in throwing me under the bus.
So to recap; we're in Kay's car, which has a bad headlight and a bad taillight. I'm driving. And Lady is the only one who had enough sense to bring her identification. Bloody fucking brilliant. I can already smell the soap on a rope. Officer knocks and I roll down the window. I hand him the registration and insurance info, along with Lady's ID. He asks for the other IDs and I kindly explain that Kay and I forgot ours. He asks for my name so he can go look it up on the computer. Christopher is a really long name, and is difficult to spell when you're stoned - even though I've had it my whole life. Even still, it's pretty common, and I use the normal spelling. My last name is easy, but people tend to overthink it. I don't know how many times I've given someone my name, and they're like "best? How do you spell that?" The same way Noah fucking Webster spells it, you dumbass! Stop making it more difficult than is has to be. It's the worst over the phone. Anyway, he goes and checks his fancy-pants computer for me. He comes back and says he can't find me on the system (probably because my name is so difficult to spell). He asks if I've been drinking tonight. I say nope, haven't had anything to drink. He does the finger test. You know the one (no, not that one). "Keep your eyes on my finger and don't move your head. My head remains stationary as my eyes attempt to burn holes into the most fascinating moving finger I've ever seen. (I was very high at this point. I couldn't not stare at it.) He's like, "well, there's the smell of intoxicants coming from the vehicle." Thankfully Kay pipes up at this point and explains that she'd been drinking, which is why they had me drive. Nice save! I owe you one! After I get done giving Kay mental high fives and having him commend us for being responsible, he lets us off with a warning and gives Kay a repair and report for being lazy in her vehicle maintenance.
I'm still in shock from the whole thing and have so much adrenaline going, I can barely park Biffy and walk inside. We all agree that we can't just go to sleep yet, even though it's 3:30 in the morning at this point. So we decide to watch Finding Nemo. It was a nice comforting familiar sort of movie, which helped calm us down, but every time I've tried watching it since, it's just not the same anymore. Thanks guys for ruining a perfectly good pixar movie and nearly landing me in jail for my efforts.
Next time, we're just smoking in the bathroom. F'realz.
P.S. I wound up having to take a drug test for my summer job like 3 days later. I think I drank about a gallon of water that day. Somehow, I passed.
You seemed like a really great guy. You were sweet, funny, charming, you did things for me that no one has ever done before. I was really looking forward to you coming back to Michigan. I was looking forward to "us" again. I was really look forward to everything.
But, its funny how things can change so much within a few days. It's no wonder you never called me when you got back. Your girlfriend probably wouldn't like that. I just cannot believe how you raised my hopes so high, you sounded just as happy as me, then I find out you're dating some chick named Leslie. You have no idea how bad this hurts. I have not cried over a guy in such a long time, and yet I find myself doing just that right now. This is why I don't like to let my wall down, for anyone. It never fails. I end up alone, crying, hurt, angry, etc.
And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall...
Pour real life down on me....
Cause I can't hold on, to anything this good....
Enough. Am I good enough for you, to love me too?
So I just want to thank you. Thank you for wasting my time, my emotions, thanks for making me feel hurt and unwanted. Thanks for humiliating me.
::
2010 7 December :: 1.41am
:: Mood: reflective
:: Music: plain white Ts (it's okay to judge me)
what the fuck is a weblog anyway?
it has recently come to light in christopher-world that i pretty much treat this like a diary, only other people can read it. which is fine. suits my purposes nicely. but at the same time, it could be so much more than that.
a couple of the guys that make me feel like such a slacker are simple dude, who lives in a complex world, and jeff over at content unrelated.
simple dude is basically what i could one day aspire to be (and i think it's interesting that he always talks about his "lady friend" and "sexy times", because that's the exact terminology i always used with shannon), and jeff is pretty much what i would be now, if i was actually really funny, and lived someplace warm.
i mean, it's too fucking late to start working on any content of value tonight, but i'm thinking that in the future, i might start trying to be a bit more professional - and consistent - about what i'm doing with this thing and when i update. i think one a week is a good goal to have, but it is me we're talking about, after all. regardless, i could stand to benefit from changing the way i approach blogging in general, and actually writing as if i have an audience to entertain. it seems like a fun challenge.
so, is there any shit going on in the world today that you want to hear my spin on? if so, leave a comment.
now, let's go see if there's any inspiration left in that tequila bottle upstairs....
You're back, and that makes me happy. Now, I just have to see you. And you best know, I am giving you the biggest hug ever. :) I miss you. Hurry up and get down here :)
It's amazing how much everything changes so drastically from year to year. Different places, different people, but always hoping things are going to get better. This is the year! This is my year!
And 4 months in, I'm all "fuck this year."
After 21 years one would think you'd get used to the swing of it all. But no. Not me. I still let my days revolve around everyone else and put myself in the back of my own mind until they get tired of me and move on.
And I'm always so shocked when it happens. I always cry like it's the first time. But the only reason is because it always hurts like the first time.
And there's a little miniature me sitting on my shoulder, rolling her eyes.
I'd give about anything for someone to explain to me how I manage to ignore all the red flags and drive myself into the eye of the storm.
Explain to me how I always find the experts at sorry, and how I always fall for the same act every single time.
Explain to me how I manage to fall into this cleverly disguised hole - when I dug it myself.
Don't really explain it to me. I won't listen..
I've ignored the anger and the lies and the fake smiles, and instead of getting out before it all comes crashing down on me (again!?) I hid my own anger with fake smiles and lie to myself about his lies. Vicious, vicious hamster wheel of a life.
It's such science, really.
It never fails and always plays out the same way to a T.
More accurate and timely than a clock.
I could write a book and start my own Self-Induced Relationship Psychosis program. Chase away your loved ones in RECORD TIME! Here's my guide!
Somehow I feel like there's a bigger market for that than anyone would care to admit.
Crazy or not, that's the reality of it all: tumultuous, explosive relationships are more common than the happy ones with the white fences.
Why?
Because we all love to play mad scientist, especially with our own hearts (because that little river runs into the Self Loathing delta, and if you're like me, you're always looking to step it up.) There isn't a more volatile, explosive, hazardous compound in existence than the human heart. Truth.
And if you can get multiple hearts involved? Russia can eat their frozen little hearts out. Nuclear warfare has got NOTHING on love and other related disaster products. Absolutely nothing.
Not to mention, it's cheaper.
Wayyyy cheaper.
Because almost every person on this planet will give their heart willingly. FOR FREE! I love free shit! As long as they don't know it's for free. What I mean is, play your cards right. Eyes up front, asshole. Listen good. Fill them up with flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep. Swear by fake I Love Yous and Forevers. Empty intentions also work, too. Spray that cologne on that teddy bear to cover up the deceit! Mmm, Abercrombie & Lies, my fav.
More than likely, they'll give it up and you're free to do whatever your crazy little mind wants. Love them, hate them, mind-fuck them. Run over their heart with a metaphorical steamroller. (1) Their heart is your oyster!
The beauty of the heart and consequential breaking of said heart is that - although it is almost ALWAYS MESSY - the human heart (2) is self-medicating and self-healing. Give it time (and a collection of Journey/Cher and some cheap wine) and wait it out. They always forget about it. The pain fades with the excitement of something new. Until it happens again. This, boys and girls, is how the head-to-desk slam came to be. And also, suicide.
When you're all done, you move on. They move on. More heartbreak, more pain, thanks for the memories and the cheap dinner dates! (3)
The only thing that ever changes is whether you're the one getting your heart pulverized, or you're the evil heartbreaker. Sometimes people get their heart stepped on so many times, they finally wise-up and turn the tables. Also, some people get beaten at their own game and wind up crying into a bowl of spaghetti-o's while drowning their sorrows in Tyra re-runs.
In that lame movie "The Happening," that crazy lady had it right. She said something along the lines of, "there ain't never two people standing in one place lovin' each other exactly the same." I'm not going to research the exact quote because like I said, the movie was lame. But the crazy lady? she knew what she was talking about. So she didn't have electricity, she collected weird dolls, she slapped a little girl for reaching for a dinner roll, and ultimately she killed herself on her own broken windows; yes.. but SHE KNEW HER SHIT.
I'm not trying to come across as pessimistic (what, you were getting that vibe too?) and I'm not saying everyone should give up on love, so put your pitchforks and torches and "fuck you, Love!" signs down for a second and finish this.
It's not about avoiding pain. No matter where you are or what kind of life you're living, there will be pain. So maybe you haven't given anyone the chance to cheat on you, lie to you, promise you forever then take it away? Doesn't mean you're safe. You're, in fact, more vulnerable than anyone. You will have friends that betray you. Your car could collide with an oncoming truck and take away your dreams of being an Olympic gymnast. And guess what, your grandma is going to die.
...
Here's a tissue. You had to hear it at some point.
Life IS pain. Life is knocking you down and seeing how many times you can get back up on your feet before your clock runs out. Life is ugly and it is devastating, but it's the most beautiful gift you'll ever receive.
My point: break the cycle. Break the cynicism. Ditch your preconceptions and trade them in for acceptance. Stop wasting your time punishing every new person in your life for all the wrong the old one's did.
It's too short. We only have so many grains of sand in that glass and this isn't Verizon, there's no roll-over.
No do-overs.
No bank in the world can give you a loan for more time.
So take off that fake smile and put a real one on someone else's face.
Help them clean up the mess someone made of their heart.
Try keeping those promises. You'll be surprised when people around you start keeping theirs.
Give those flowers and chocolates, and when someone finally returns the favor, share with your friends (after you've gone through and eaten your favorites already. They can have the coconut ones.)
Tomorrow is my 21st birthday.
And after 21 years of pain and hardship, I can tell you why I'm still optimistic.
Because I've also had 21 years of stomach cramps from laughing so hard at the funniest jokes told to me by the most beautiful people.
I've had 21 years of being free to make these mistakes.
I'm grateful for being hurt because if I hadn't, I wouldn't appreciate how it feels to be loved.
I'm grateful for losing people in my life because otherwise, I wouldn't know how to appreciate the ones still in it.
I'm grateful for having my heart broken so now I know who I can really trust with it.
Yeah. It may have taken me 21 years to figure all of this out.
But I know some people never do.
And I want you to know that, whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you've done - I love you. With all my heart.
(1) Metaphorical steamroller. Like, cheating or lying. Running over their heart with an ACTUAL steamroller won't get you anything but a cozy prison cell and a new best friend who will come to know you better than your mom. Inside and out. Think about it.
(2) Not sure about any other type of heart. Cats may hold forever grudges.
I know mine does.
(3) Every time I have diarrhea, I'll think of you.
yes, i'm on zoosk. sorry. i'm still not entirely sure why. but it intrigues me to see who's out there. at the same time, it's depressing to realize that everyone (who uses a dating service) is stupid.
attention zooskers (it's a word now. noah webster is rolling in his grave):
just because you graduated from high school does not mean that you have a graduate degree. if this many 22 year olds actually had a masters, i would not be so disappointed in humanity. instead, my sadness is deepened further by the fact that they don't understand the difference. if you're 22, divorced, with kids at home, you do not have a graduate degree. please stop claiming anything to the contrary. i apologise that i smoke and drink on a regular basis. beyond all that, i'm not such a bad guy. even still, i'm probably not the best one to help raise your intellectually challenged spawn from that asshole that dumped you. if for no other reason than the fact that i lack the financial wherewithal to do so. and i can probably come up with a few other reasons to boot. namely, i don't want to.
For the last 9 months, I thought that my whole life had changed when I found out I was pregnant on March 7th.
Clearly I was wrong.
On June 16th, when I found out I was having a baby girl, and cried because I was scared she was going to be just like me, an emotional wreck her whole life, and blame her mom for everything, I thought my whole world had changed.
But again, I was wrong.
It wasn't until November 8th, that my whole life had changed. This time I wasn't wrong.
Welcoming my baby girl into this world, was the most amazing thing.
It is so unbelievably amazing how you think your life can be complete with everything you have in it, until you have a child. Then you know your life is complete.
Part of me believes that I could go the rest of my life without accomplishing another thing, and be okay, because I know that I have created a life, that will keep me going.
I can't wait to watch her grow up.
I am terrified that she will resent me the way I resent my mom.
I am absolutely terrified I will turn out to be like my mom.
But I know that if I do the best I can, and do everything I can not to be like her, I will be okay.
Stinger hasn't even finished scanning yet and I can tell mom's lappy is pretty fucked. Not because of viruses so much as because she never deletes ANYTHING, and there are a gajillion processes running in the background. I can't see them for some reason, but I can tell they are there, just by the way it's running.
Why'd you call me today.. with nothing new to say?
You pretend it's just hello,
but you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone.
Now tell me, what do you want?
What do you want? What do you want from me?
Are you trying to bring back the tears, or just the memories?
You keep taking me back, taking me back where I've already been.
When we hang up it's almost like I'm losing you again.
Can't you see?
So what do you want?
What do you want from me?
I get so tired of living like this.
I don't have the time, neither do my friends,
to stay up at night to pull me through..
and to find the things to keep my mind off of you.
So, now tell me, what do you want?
What do you want? What do you want from me?
Did you call to say you've found someone and I'm a used-to-be?
You keep taking me back,
taking me back where I've already been.
If you've moved on why does it feel like I'm losing you again?
Can't you see?
So what do you want?
What do you want from me?
What do you want me to say?
That I'm content?
That I'm on the fence?
That I wish you would've stayed?
is that why they say people 'fall' for each other?
journal is going to be 9 years old this winter.
way to be fucking old, journal. you should try harder.
--------------------------------------
i keep seeing all these people getting together. i suppose it's all part of the annual cycle. as gunnie said, it's the time of year when i really start wanting a girlfriend.
it seems like summer's all about being single, and going out and playing the field. but now that it's fall, people are all getting ready to settle down and prepare for the winter hibernation. plus i think there's just something romantic about the leaves and the harvest and all that. it's a nice time of year to appreciate the coziness and warmth that can be had in a relationship - especially a fresh one.
the more i see people shacking up (and for the first time ever, my sister is one of them... don't think i haven't noticed that she's been hiding him from the family), the more left out i feel. not that i want to be a part of the herd necessarily, but i like the coziness and the warm fuzzies. and it's really hard to get that by yourself. after all, i should know.
speaking of The Herd; chuck and i have begun writing our Cultural Revolution Manifesto, or CRM. it's currently a very rough first draft. once we do some editing, augmentation, and revisions, i will start posting up the revised copies as we finish them. neither of us is very motivated, so who knows how long it will be. but at least we're getting started.
peace out, mr. j. it's been a pleasure, as always.
p.s. went to visit mike yesterday. he's doing incredibly well, considering that 3 weeks ago he was as good as dead. seems to know what's going on for the most part, but still gets confused occasionally. at least his nurses are cute. that should make things more tolerable.
If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Oh oh Oh oh
Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There's a boy here in town says he'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts, oh no I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when your dead how people start listenin'
If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Oh oh
The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them oh
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
::
2010 30 September :: 4.58pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: The Eels
Just a quickie...
Been busting my ass lately. doing lots of digging, building, chainsawing, etc. at the boss's house. cut down a pine tree with the neighbor here at the house last weekend. busy busy busy.
but i have tomorrow off. i am sleeping in, goddammit.
it feels good to have been accomplishing stuff. and my muscles are really sore, but that should be a good thing, right? right.
last weekend our friend mike was in an accident. he was drunk, supposedly driving home, which doesn't explain what he was doing out on lincoln lake rd. when he was in GR, and lives in Grant. he hit a firetruck, which then rolled down an embankment. but at least he had prompt first aid. he's still unconscious in intensive care, but he seems to have stabilized a bit, and is even improving in some regards. it was pretty touch and go for awhile, and there's still the likelihood of paralysis, and a slight risk of brain damage. i guess at least he didn't kill anyone. it's weird, because mike has always driven drunk. i'm not sure if it's more surprising that it happened at all, or that it took this long. but, if you pray, he and his family really need it. i have been, in my own way.
sorry if that brought you down. just the facts of whats going on.
otherwise, it's life as usual. i actually have a bit of money in the bank, which blows my mind. and it's not a lot. so, i'm just waiting for something expensive to happen. but in the meantime, it feels good to have a little cushion. and gas in the truck.
now, to work on whittling away at some of that money and starting off my long weekend properly....