godessalthena
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2013 18 June :: 9.48pm
All I want to do is take shots of tequila while listen to favorite songs overlooking something beautiful. Feel the cold air on my skin, feel the exhilaration of sharing an experience and emotions. Feeling alive and vital and that my existence is shared in a passionate and meaningful way.
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godessalthena
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2013 18 June :: 6.38pm
I need to learn how to just shut the fuck up.
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godessalthena
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2013 16 June :: 3.15pm
I hate parties.
I've been really negative lately. I need to fix that.
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godessalthena
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2013 14 June :: 9.38am
I JUST WANT TO FUCKING BREAK BEAUTIFUL AND FRAGILE OBJECTS
FUCK I HAVE SO MUCH RAGE INSIDE ME
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godessalthena
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2013 14 June :: 6.10am
Friday.. Friday..
It is FINALLY Friday. I hate working 5 8's. The weeks go by soooooo slow and the weekends to much too fast.
I'm going to try and get some crochet stuff done. I've been slacking big time, and I need some stress relief.
I slept in the attic last night, which isn't scary like it used to be, just uncomfortable. I kept waking up hoping it was 6am haha
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godessalthena
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2013 10 June :: 1.59pm
Resisting the urge to scream "fuck you" to everyone I interact with today.
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godessalthena
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2013 6 June :: 11.00am
:: Music: displaced
So, been on the methylated folate for maybe 4 days, which I'm not sure is long enough to notice a change, but the past few days I've felt worse than normal...
Last night was the worst. I had all these horrible, negative, disgusting thoughts racing through my head. And nothing helped to turn them off. I haven't been sleeping very well lately, and the past few days I've been feeling foggy, dizzy and completely out of it. I've been more irritable lately too.
I'm excited for the future and I'm proud of where my life is going, but I just feel wrong. I can't help but look at all the people I love, see their problems and know that all I really can do is be there and that's it... It's hard. I probably interfere more than I should, but its next to impossible to just watch...
In my life I'm still fighting the good fight, but knowing that ultimately I will lose. It wears me down and all I want to do is find means to escape.
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godessalthena
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2013 1 June :: 1.59pm
i'm pretty sure my anti-depressant is merely a placebo. taking it 4 hours late should affect me this much. i just want to bury myself in my blankets and cry myself to sleep.
everything hurts, everything feels so painful. i feel so unloved and unknown. i feel like a fleeting afterthought and a bitter memory.
i just want someone to take a second and make me feel like i'm important. and the worst part is i know my friends do take time to make me feel important.. but it's never enough.
i'm just hopelessly ridiculous.
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godessalthena
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2013 29 May :: 6.28am
:: Mood: excited
Final payment date on my debt plan: June 3
Start shopping for a new car a month later
Then it's Emily's birthday
And starting today I'm taking back my willpower and changing myself
I will do this.
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godessalthena
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2013 25 May :: 4.29pm
Feel like an empty husk. Tears on the edge of my ducts. A knot building in the back of my throat.
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godessalthena
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2013 12 May :: 7.25pm
I hate always being right about people.
Every day is a new eye opening experience at how much people fucking suck.
I just want to cuddle with my puppy and cry my eyes out.
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godessalthena
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2013 9 May :: 7.07am
:: Mood: insecure
i am feeling extremely vulnerable right now.
so many doubts keep repeating in my head, so much negative self talk.
i don't know how i feel anymore about this, or about my life in general.
i feel lost and angry and hurt and confused, and nothing has even happened yet. i just have this nagging doubt that he's going to turn out to be like everyone else. because every time i let myself believe that someone isn't going to be just another asshole, they prove me wrong.
i hate to be so negative about it, but this has been what i've noticed over the last several years. people in general are so shallow, harsh, rude, ignorant, selfish and disgusting. we are all hypocrites, and a majority doesn't have any redeeming qualities to balance it out.
i'm trying not to psych myself out, but its challenging. i need to just keep telling myself that even if it does turn out he's like everyone else, at least i got to have fun in san fran.
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godessalthena
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2013 6 May :: 6.28am
:: Mood: determined
Today is the first day on my new shift as well as the first day of working out at Physzique again. I'm feeling good about where I'm at today, but I am worried that my motivation will fade in the next few weeks. It's hard to keep caring about anything.
Friday I fly down to San Francisco to see Kirk. I'm extremely nervous and excited. I haven't seen him in almost five years. It's crazy how long it's been. Hopefully it goes awesome.
I want to say more, but I can't find the words. So much goes on, but I don't know how to record it.
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