Every living creature dies alone

:: 2012 5 November :: 8.16pm
:: Mood: giddy

XD
Today so far has been pretty amazing!

Hung out in the morning, had a fucking blast!!

Did some homework in my new classes. Feeling pretty motivated and on top of things.

Did 30 minutes on my new exercise bike! Then did some bench presses on the Bowflex haha

Watched some shows with Sus, now going to head to the store to buy some booze for happy party time!

Then watching Eden of the East, which is a fucking amazing anime. So in love <3 also maybe some Sapranos XD

things are good. I'm happy.

:: 2012 4 November :: 12.07am
:: Music: Angels and Airwaves

And did you ever feel like you're alone?

Tears spilling out across deadened streets..
A star, bright in loud, is in dire need of the fear.. The fear that's inside you.

Pick me up now.. I need you so bad.

:: 2012 2 November :: 1.21am

Is it bad in the same day I've believed, whole-heartedly two things:

I couldn't be happier with my life

-and-

I hate my life

I feel these two thoughts are mutually exclusive..

2 gone up in flamess | light a match

:: 2012 23 October :: 1.27pm

I need to shower. But I don't want to. Grr...

It's FRIDAY!! And I have a jam-packed weekend in the mix! I'm going to see my parents and see Danielle and plan a Halloween party and and and.. I don't really have much more planned than that.

Oh.. and pay my parking tickets and get my emissions test and renew my tabs :( stupid adult responsibilities..

I'm just happy it's Friday. I need a break from work, that place just gets to me sometimes! But I still love it.

2 gone up in flamess | light a match

:: 2012 15 October :: 3.03pm

staying home sick from work, but that doesn't mean i'm going to slack off.

I completed my budget for when my disbursement for school comes in. I am really excited to get my financial life in order :)

I'm also hopefully going to do all my homework, but I'm not super worried about that just because I have all week to do it.

Last night Samie really made me feel terrible about myself, but more so she just made me extremely mad at her. I won't go into details, but the way I live my private life is not wrong, and she has no room to talk when it comes to making good choices in life. I love Samie, and she's am amazing woman, but sometimes she only sees things in black and white and it makes me angry because the world has so many different shades and hues it's not even funny.

I just really want to forget we had that conversation, but it just made me so insanely upset.

:: 2012 10 October :: 5.46am

Totally re-purchasing Battle Royale..

Watching Hunger Games.. And thinking.. WTF REALLY?!?

Ugh

:: 2012 6 October :: 5.27pm

Too much drinking :(

:: 2012 1 October :: 10.43pm

What would you do if somebody stopped you? What would you say to the world?

:: 2012 30 September :: 12.09pm

I'm hoping the up-coming weekend will make out to be some much-needed therapy.

I have been taking my temperature everyday at the same time per Dr.'s orders to see if I "run cold" especially during my "girly times" if you catch my drift.. The hard part of it though, is with Mirena, I don't really have anything besides spotting.. On average I'm about a 98.1, on my one spotting day I was at a 97.1.. Is that just a fluke or what? I need to set up another appointment with him. He was saying that having a low temperature, especially when your period happens can be a sign of hypothyroidism, which is something every Dr. I've seen in the last 6 years has thought and had me tested for.

So I guess we'll see what happens there..

I just need a distraction right now.. I'm already doing full-time work, full-time school and I'm still just feeling like I have no wind-down time. I don't feel like I get to have a little mental vacation every weekend. I just need something fun to make me forget about this ugly patch.

15 gone up in flamess | light a match

:: 2012 29 September :: 5.28pm
:: Mood: pessimistic

This hollow feeling won't go away. I feel it deep inside my heart, and it's terrible. I feel so depressed and hopeless.. I'd say numb but I think that sounds fucking stupid. I am in a transitional state and I'm just scared.

What if I make the wrong decision?
What if I never make it up to baseline?
What if what if what if...

I hate being grown up. All I want to do right now is dye my hair black, put on my armor for sleep hoodie and listen to angels and airwaves until I pass out. Then wake up and have to deal with stupid high school drama, because that was so much easier than this.

I just want to retreat into somewhere else and pretend none of the last 6 years ever happened. I'm just trying to find something to hold onto before my ego is permanently washed away.

:: 2012 28 September :: 10.34pm

I am so confused right now. And I need some guidence. But I don't want it from anyone I know.

Idk sometimes I wish I could believe in a higher power, and was crazy enough to feel like they are talking to me.

I feel like such a ninny.

:: 2012 23 September :: 5.48am

Happy days are here again

:: 2012 13 September :: 7.22pm

existential crisis
i need out.

none of this has any meaning anymore.

i have no room for errors now.

nothing i do is right.

nothing i do is good enough.

i'm just a pathetic waste of time and space and i am not worth anything at all.

i just want to take a vacation.

i just want to forget i exist.

nothing seems to matter anymore.

:: 2012 12 September :: 6.33am

I hate being so fucking broken.